Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
ATTICUS
The instant the world explodes around me, I feel the touch of the sun. It’s still dawn and I’m slightly shaded by the remains of a wall or I could have died. But it seems like I’m one of the lucky ones. I hear screaming as vampires meet their cruel fate.
But my mind is wrapped up in Yorick.
He was right beside me. Why did he step away a moment before the explosion? It forced me to push him back to keep Niles away from him. Why would he have moved away from me when he knew he was safest with me?
He wanted to protect them. He wanted to keep the others safe, even if it cost him his life.
The entire time I’ve known him, he’s seemed to place some sort of distance between himself and others, like he doesn’t know who he can trust and who he can’t, but at the end of the day, he’s always cared most about protecting those around him.
“Yorick? Yorick!” I yell as the dust and debris settle.
The vampires who were standing along the walls were hit hard by the bombs, and while that might not have killed them, it left them in a state that allowed the sun to destroy them. There are dead all around me, and I’m protected only by a small portion of the wall that still stands.
“Yorick!” I shout, unable to pinpoint where he is.
The poison is still in his body, his healing still slowed. Did he—
That’s when I see him. He’s lying on the ground, pinned down by part of the ceiling, his legs reddening as the sun threatens to reach out for him. I need to get to him, and I’m aware I’ll have to go through the sun to do so.
I pull my jacket off and throw it over my head before I dash across without a second thought. I can feel the sun through the jacket. I know the fabric is not enough, and anytime an inch of me is exposed, the sun eats through my flesh, burning it away.
My hands ache while I take hold of the large piece of the ceiling that’s pinning him to the ground.
I have to hoist it up and rest it on my shoulder as I grab Yorick, dragging him into my arms. The sun is rising and this spot will only be safe for a few minutes.
I need to bring him back to where I was.
Quickly, I pull off the jacket shielding me and drape it over him, covering him completely before racing back to where I was when the building exploded.
Pain stabs through me, and blisters form on my face and arms. If I were any younger, even Casimir’s or Yorick’s age, it would have killed me instantly.
Carefully, I draw Yorick in and check his legs that are covered in blistering burns.
I bite into my arm and press it against his lips as I try to force him to drink.
“Yorick, you need to wake up,” I beg while my wounds slowly heal. Burns from the sun always take the longest to heal, especially without a fresh supply of blood on hand, but I’m healing because of my age. I know many here won’t be that fortunate.
The sun is creeping higher, and I have to pull him closer.
He groans and tries to shift in my arms, but I have to watch his every movement to keep him away from the sun.
“Yorick, wake up. Come on, wake up!” I gently tap his face.
He jerks back, and I have to fight to keep him still. There’s blood running down his forehead, so I have to assume his head was hit, making him even more disoriented.
“Yorick, wake up.”
His eyes snap open, and the second he sees that it’s me pinning him down so he doesn’t stray into the sun, the tension in his body disappears.
“It’s okay, you’re okay,” I assure him.
“You’re hurt,” he whispers as he reaches out to me.
“I’m fine, it’ll heal,” I say, but his hands hover around me, like he wants to touch me but is afraid of hurting me. “Are you okay?” I guide him up until he’s sitting but keep him pinned on my lap so he can’t get burned. “Don’t move too much. The sun is right there.”
He glances over his shoulder before uneasily moving in closer. “What do we do? It’s going to get worse as the sun rises.”
“Let’s hope that Julian is okay. He can get us out of here.”
Yorick carefully wraps his arms around me. “This is all my fault.”
“How could you possibly think any part of this is your fault?” I ask.
“You really fucked up latching on to me, you know that? That’s the only part that’s your fault.
With all of the people in the world, why would you ever choose me?
I have given you so many chances to latch on to someone else.
I’ve done everything I can to push you away, yet you keep coming back. Why the fuck do you keep coming back?”
“Because through all of these years, I’ve only ever loved you,” he whispers, holding me close as my eyes are trained on the trail of blood running down his face.
“You know there is nothing for you on this path but death. Morpheus will use you against me until he throws you away. I can’t love you back, Yorick. You know I can’t. You know what he does to everyone I care for. Everything in my life is destroyed by that man.”
His grip tightens, like he’s afraid I’m going to pull away from him the way I have every time we’ve gotten to this point, but I refuse to let him go. I don’t want to let him go.
“It’s been five hundred years! He hasn’t killed me yet. Instead, we’ve just wasted—”
“It’s not a waste because he’s let you live. So please, just focus on living. You have all of these people in your life now; you’re not alone.”
Yorick tucks his head against my neck, and I want to peel him off because he makes it so hard to fight against what I want, against these desires that have run through me for years. He makes it so difficult to push him away. “I would have died so many times if it weren’t for you. Please?”
“Do you know how impossible what you’re asking me is?” I demand. “How unfair it is? You want me to draw you into my life just so I can watch him take you from me? It’s better to have never had you at all. You know this. You just don’t want to face it.”
He’s quiet, and I wonder if I’ve finally gotten through to him. He’s smart. He’s known this since the day he watched me bury one of the many who walked into my life. It’s why I live in solitude with a man who wants to kill me.
“I’m so tired of being alone,” he whispers.
“You’re not alone. You’re alive and you have all of them. And you can come pester me every few years as we play this game until we grow old.”
His voice breaks when he says, “I’m done playing it. He can take me as long as you love me back.”
Anger is building up inside of me. Why can’t he listen?
Why does he insist on risking his life? “Why do you want me to have to bury another body?” I snap.
“I can’t bury you, Yorick. Every time you come back into my life, all I do is question how long before I’m left burying you. Why must you keep doing this?”
“Because I’m selfish.”
“No, you’re reckless,” I say as I close my eyes. I can feel his body pressed tight against mine, something I’ve only ever had the freedom to enjoy in dreams… the only place where I can live a life I want… until the monster started invading them as well.
I can smell the blood on him and am reminded that every time he gets hurt, it’s because of me. It’s because Morpheus wants absolute control over me.
I will lose him if I give in to these desires.
I could fight for him, but Morpheus has proven again and again that I’m weak.
I fought for him mere days ago and he nearly killed me.
There is no stopping the man; there’s only the option of appeasing him.
And if I die… what happens to Yorick then?
Will Morpheus let him go or will he haunt him like he’s done to me?
There’s no way I can let myself love him.
How could I forgive myself if I lost him too?
All my life, I’ve had little patience for anyone, yet I always had it for him.
It didn’t matter how much he took from me.
It never mattered how long he was gone or how he used me, I always let him back into my life.
I had no excuse for it beyond the simple fact that he had the freedom to do as he pleased, something I’d never been given, even now.
But he has to know the real reason I let him do all of that shit: that I cared for him more than I’ve ever cared for anyone in my life.
And Yorick cared about nothing… besides me.
I wasn’t instantly in love with him, no, but he kept my attention, and that’s more than anyone else in my life has done.
And now…
After all these years…
I don’t know how I could live without him. But I have to. I have to push him away again and again.
“Yorick, I don’t love you,” I whisper.
I want to tell him the truth… that I can’t love him. But if I said those words, he’d still have hope. He’d latch on to it and try to prove that I could.
He’s silent, and I wonder if maybe now wasn’t the best time to declare this, especially when we’re so vulnerable to the sun, when I have no choice but to hold him close to keep him safe.
Yorick doesn’t move from me, though. He doesn’t loosen his grip on me.
He only squeezes me close.
“Julian is going to come and take you somewhere safe,” I say.
“I would rather stay right here with you.”
“I know you would, but you can’t. You can’t stay with me.”
“Do you know how stubborn I am?”
“I’m well aware.”
“If you’re pushing me away, then give me one kiss. Hell, we might die right here,” he says.
“I won’t let you die,” I promise him, tugging my jacket up higher on his shoulders so his neck isn’t exposed. “If I kiss you, it’ll only hurt you more.”
And me.
“I’m used to a bit of pain,” he says as he pulls his head off my shoulder to look at me.
My arm is wrapped around his waist, the other holding his back so he’s tucked as close to me as he can be.
The sunlight is mere inches from us at this point.
If I strip all of my clothes off and cover him beneath every layer, maybe he’ll be safe until Julian can help.
I’ll cover him with my body… I’ll keep him safe.