Chapter 26 More Childish Games #3
He was sure if she just gave him a chance, he could set things right in one conversation. Maybe she was just being stubborn. Maybe she was unwilling to forgive. Either way, the situation was beginning to look very hopeless. It was three weeks into December and he’d made no progress.
Getting through each day was becoming cumbersome.
There was a boulder attached to his leg, one that grew heavier every time he spoke to her.
A boulder of regret and shame, anger and annoyance, hurt and helplessness.
He had to slog that around every day, drag it from pillar to post, and now he just felt weak.
Heart, mind and body completely weakened by Jordan Shepard.
He heard a knock on the door and dragged the boulder down the stairs to answer it. Unfortunately, the person on the other side wasn’t the brunette he’d been hoping to see.
He shut his eyes and lightly hit his forehead against the door. “What are you doing here, Trisha?”
“There are some things we still need to discuss. I just want to talk.”
He gritted his teeth. “The last time we talked, I lost my girlfriend, so forgive me if I’m inclined to not give a shit.”
Her eyebrows creased a little. She’d never heard him speak like that before. A lot had changed in a few months. “I don’t want to interfere. Five minutes, I promise.”
He breathed in deep and breathed out slow. “Five minutes.”
He allowed her to enter and they walked to the kitchen, the most neutral place in the penthouse.
She sat down on one of the stools and dropped her handbag on the island counter.
She noticed a tray of chocolate balls from Margo’s bakery and looked up at him curiously.
“No cream donuts? I thought you didn’t like chocolate. ”
And with that mundane observation, more weight was added to the boulder. “I tried something new,” he responded softly, “and I found a new favorite.”
She saw right through the ambiguity of that statement and gave a sad smile. “I’m glad.”
He walked to the fridge and leaned against it with his arms crossed. “You’re getting married in two days. I really don’t see what’s the point of this.”
“We need closure, Tyler.”
“I don’t need closure. I’m perfectly happy…well, at least I was.”
She pulled her face, seemingly a little annoyed with his rudeness.
“Okay. Let me rephrase. I need closure. I love Oliver. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but there’s a part of me that’s not letting go.
In order to fully embrace the future, I need to close the door to the past. I want to move forward and I can’t do that until we talk about a few things.
” She hesitated for a short while. “Firstly…I’m sorry for what I did.
I left without a word, because with you, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
You don’t talk about the things that matter.
I didn’t take your calls because I knew one conversation with and I would’ve come back…
and I would’ve spent the rest of my life wanting more from our relationship.
That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, but it was still very wrong.
It was cold and heartless and I’m sorry. ”
“I forgive you. Are we done?”
Her shoulders sagged and her expression drooped with disappointment.
His behavior was really bothering her. She was trying to talk to him, mend the bridge, and maybe if it had been another day, he would have listened.
But today this boulder was so goddamn heavy and her feelings were his last concern.
“No,” she answered. “I want to know what went wrong with us.”
He threw his arms up. “You. Left!”
“I’m talking about before then. For our entire three years together. Was it me? Was I not enough? I mean…I see you with Jordan—”
“Trisha.” It was a soft warning. He was a little ill-tempered today and if she said one bad thing about Jordan, he was going to snap.
“I just want to know. How come you never danced in the rain with me?”
He didn’t answer.
“How come you were never affectionate with me? Whether in public or behind closed doors. You two are always holding…and kissing.”
“Trisha.”
“You were always so serious. You never laughed when—”
“We’re not having this discussion.”
“I did everything to make you happy.” She was sobbing now, but she was doing it to herself. “And I’ve never seen you laugh like that.”
“Stop comparing,” he said curtly. He pushed himself away from the fridge and headed out of the kitchen. She followed behind him, still continuing this unnecessary argument.
“How come you never looked at me the way you look at her?”
He was becoming more volatile with every passing second. “I think five minutes are up.”
“How come you do all these things with her that you never did with me?”
He snapped, just lost it. “Because you’re not her!
” he shouted. “Dammit! You’re. Not. Her.
” There was silence for a few seconds, both of them absorbing those words.
He allowed himself to calm down before he spoke again.
“You don’t dance in the rain because that would ruin your hair.
I was never affectionate because I kinda got into the habit of not messing up your make-up.
You always needed to be perfect, but that stuff never mattered to me.
Now I can take responsibility for not being all that you wanted.
And while I don’t agree with how you did it, I can accept that you needed to leave to be happy.
I can own up to that, but at some point you need to acknowledge your part in us failing.
” He waited a while and let that sink in too.
She took in every word without complaint.
It was what she needed to hear. “You and Jordan are two very different woman. It’s two completely different relationships, so don’t compare.
You never tried to change me and I never tried to change you…
but looking at it now, change was the best thing that happened to us.
We’ve both moved on, Trisha. We had three great years together, but now it’s over.
Whether you have closure or not, I don’t care.
We’ve reached the end of this discussion. ”
“Okay.” She nodded and slowly wiped her eyes. “Tyler…I’m sorry if I caused any trouble…between you and Jordan. I just—”
He cut her off with a quick shake of his head. “Don’t.”
Simply hearing it reminded him of the unconquerable battle he was up against. He was sort of mad at Trisha, but mostly he was mad at the whole situation he’d put himself in and right now he just wanted to be alone.
“If you want to take a few minutes and clean yourself up, feel free, but I’m leaving.” He grabbed his keys and headed for the door. “And when I get back, I don’t want you here.”
“Alright,” she agreed with half a smile. “Where are you going?”
“To the park,” he whispered, “to feed the ducks.”
* * * * *
Jordan nervously made her way up the sidewalk.
Tyler was right. This was becoming ridiculous.
She couldn’t keep ostracizing him. She still didn’t feel ready to have this talk, but it needed to happen.
Two dates were insignificant when she looked at the last six months as a whole.
He’d lied to her a few times, but if he was willing to lay all his cards on the table, she would be willing to forgive.
Regardless of the outcome, it was a way to move on.
She’d seen a different side of him yesterday.
She’d seen a slight flicker of vulnerability that made her doubt her doubt.
He wouldn’t have been there, wouldn’t have said all those things if he was still in love in with Trisha… right?
She walked into his apartment building and nodded at the doorman. “Hi, Walt.”
“Hello, Miss Shepard,” he greeted with his usual friendly smile.
“Is Tyler in?”
“I think I saw him leave. Let me just buzz him to make sure.” He pressed a button on the central intercom and when there was no response, he buzzed again.
“Hello.”
Jordan’s heart sank at the sound of the other woman’s voice.
“Oh, hi, Miss Parker,” Walt said. “Is Mister—”
“Forget it,” Jordan said quietly, already backing away. “It’s not important.”
She pushed the glass door open and walked out, taking shaky steps as she tried to keep herself together.
Well, that was hard. Her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was at his place while he wasn’t there. She didn’t even know what to make of that. Were they talking about getting back together? Were they already back together?
That didn’t make any sense considering Tyler had her pressed up against a door just yesterday.
But her mind couldn’t think of one other reason to explain that situation.
This was a lesson she needed to take heed of in the future.
Don’t ever date a guy who just got out of a serious relationship. Chances are he never really got out.
A heart could only truly love one person at a time and even though he was obviously torn between two women, Tyler had never moved on from his first love.
Jordan adjusted the thick scarf around her neck and took a long stroll through the suburbs, trying to clear head.
She was leaving to Montana in a few days to spend Christmas with her family and she would need a few days to pull herself towards herself.
She didn’t want to be an emotional mess when she got home.
Her brothers would be on the next flight to Seattle with a pair of shears.
She rounded the corner and saw Tyler leaning against the front door of his car. She halted for a split second, but then sucked up the fragments of pride she had left and headed towards her gate.
“Walt told me you came by,” he said from behind her.
She didn’t answer and walked down the pathway.
“It isn’t what you think, Jordan.”
“I’m past the point of caring,” she responded, reaching into her purse for her keys.
“Just let me explain.” He spoke a little louder as the distance between them grew wider. “I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me.”
She stopped and took a deep breath. It was time to put on her big girl panties and confront this head-on. He was already halfway up the path when she turned to face him.
“How do you feel about me, Tyler?”
He hadn’t been expecting that question. It completely threw him off. He froze. His shoulders tensed and he became a bit edgy. “You know how I feel about you.”
She slowly shook her head. “I don’t. You’ve never told me.”
He didn’t say anything. He just kept his eyes fixed on her, staring at her as if she could read his mind. She couldn’t.
“I seem to be in a bit of a predicament,” she said softly.
“I was trying to avoid this, but now it’s here, so let me tell you the problem I have.
I…” She took another deep breath and chewed her lower lip as she debated whether she should say it or not.
Big girl panties, she told herself. “I’m in love with you…
No games…No pretenses…I love you. That’s where I’m at…
but you…you’re stuck on a step above fond…
because you’re still hung up on your ex-girlfriend. ”
He gritted his teeth and sneered. “That’s not true and you know it.”
“I don’t.” She slowly shook her head. “You’ve never told me.”
“Jordan, would I be out here, stalking you almost every day if I still had feelings for Trisha?”
He was doing it again. Answering with a question. He was growing more irritable, more nervous. She’d never seen him look so distressed before. She took a step towards him and he took a step back.
“Just tell me,” she said, her voice shaking with anxious expectation. “Tell me what’s really going on here. I need to know.”
One step forward.
One step back.
His breathing became heavier. He was panicked and she didn’t know if it was because he didn’t want to admit what he felt…or what he didn’t feel.
“Matt was right.” She shrugged. “You need history so that mistakes are not repeated. You forget I’ve been down this road before. I was with a guy who didn’t know what he really wanted from me and I ended up being the other woman. I’m not doing that again.”
“You’re not the other woman, Jordan.” It was a low, unsteady whisper, but she heard him.
“Then what am I?” Tears filled her eyes. “How do you feel about me, Tyler?”
He ran his hand over his face. He couldn’t even keep eye contact anymore.
One step forward.
One step back.
She took one more deep breath to keep herself from crumbling. “Are you ready to talk to me?”
His jaw clenched and he stared at the ground.
“I didn’t think so.” She turned away and headed back towards the door.
“Jordan.”
She ignored the rather desperate sounding plea and walked inside, slumping against the door because she could barely keep herself up. Yeah, she could have gone through life without ever knowing that. It was confirmation she didn’t need, but now she had it.
See, this was the problem with declaring her love for Tyler.
Every body part had opened up, made themselves vulnerable to him and after that less than mild rejection, it seemed like they were all trying to punish her for being so fucking stupid.
Eyes produced so many tears, she choked on them.
Throat closed up so tight, she was having trouble breathing.
And her poor heart, the most wounded casualty.
It felt like it collapsed, like it was trying to coil inside itself to escape all that hurt.
“Okay, Heart,” she blubbered through her tears, comforting it with a soft there, there tap against her chest. “Stop breaking. I’m gonna allow you one good cry over Tyler Evans…and then we’re gonna zip that shit up and move the fuck along.”