9. Chapter 9
Mackenzie
“ Y ou guys have been going out for months Mack, and all he’s done is hold your hand. Are you sure he’s not gay?” Tessa bites into her apple, and I scowl at her.
“He made a promise to not kiss anyone until his wedding day.” Do I wish he would break that for me? Yeah. But I know it’s important to him.
“That’s freaking weird!”
“I know.” I sigh. “But I’m not going to be the one who pushes. It would be mean. Besides, we’re going to get married. I just have to wait like… seven years. I can go seven years without kissing.” I wince, realizing how long that actually is.
This is going to be torture.
Tessa rolls her eyes. “You know Kyle likes you, right? You should be kissing him instead of waiting seven years for Talmage.”
“I thought you wanted to date Kyle? ”
Tessa shrugs. “We’re too similar. Besides, he’s Austin’s cousin, and I’m not dating my ex’s cousin.” She shudders like it’s the worst idea ever.
“I don’t know why you don’t like Talmage.”
Tessa’s face softens. “I don’t want you to get hurt again. After everything that went down with—”
“Please don’t bring him up,” I grumble. “He was a mistake, but Tal is different. He would never do anything to hurt me.”
She sighs. “I hope you’re right.” After a beat, she leans forward and whispers, “Did you hear about what happened with Amber?”
Lizzie barrels through the front door, arms laden with more takeout containers than necessary considering it’s only us tonight.
Kinsley and Harper are at a sleepover party for one of the girls in the musical Harper’s in.
I know they’re old enough to take care of themselves, but my stomach still swirls with anxiety every time I let them spend the night somewhere.
I have Harper’s glucose monitoring app notifications set at an extra high volume so I can be alerted in case she needs me to come get her.
“GIRL, you’ll never believe who walked into the studio today!” Lizzie sets the bags on the counter and pulls out a pack of the fancy cream soda. She knows I don’t like to drink when the girls are out in case there’s an emergency, so I appreciate her thoughtfulness.
“Who?” I help her unload the takeout containers, my kitchen filling with the scent of kung pao chicken and sesame noodles.
“Amber Clements!”
I gasp. “No!”
Lizzie nods rapidly. “I swear. I don’t know what she wanted because Alexi is the one who took her information, but I was flabbergasted.
Pure, goody two-shoes Amber Clements walking into a tattoo shop?
Now that’s some gossip.” Lizzie is a co-owner of a tattoo and piercing shop in Provo that’s woman and LGBTQ+ owned and operated.
There was a lot of controversy when Medusa Tattoos opened, but they’ve been rated the best in the state the last two years.
They do a fundraiser every year for victims of domestic violence and rape, and they offer free coverups for scars caused by DV, self-harm, or rape, and for victims of human trafficking.
“Are you sure she didn’t just want another piercing or something? I know they changed the rules recently, and Mormons can have multiple piercings again.”
“I wish they’d just stay consistent.” Lizzie scoffs. “But no, her request was for a custom tattoo. I think I heard somewhere fine-line tattoos are okay now, too, but I don’t know. People change. I mean, look at us.” She waves a hand between us.
I chuckle. Yeah, we’ve changed a lot since high school.
Lizzie didn’t grow up Mormon, but all of her friends were Mormon.
We say we’re twins because we both have green eyes and a similar body type as well as birthdays two days apart.
Now we have similar body types and bodies covered in tattoos and piercings.
While my hair is back to my natural auburn and down past my shoulders, Lizzie’s is chopped into a bob and dyed pink.
Lizzie hasn’t left my side since we bonded in high school. She’s more like a sister than my actual sisters—only because they’re so much younger. I literally owe this feisty woman my life.
“Yeah, people change,” I say, my mind immediately going to Tal.
It’s been almost a week since he asked me to marry him, and I still don’t know what to do.
It’s why I asked Lizzie to come over. I need her to be my voice of reason—to confirm it’s a bad idea and doing this would be stupid.
Once we dish up our respective plates, we settle in on the couch.
“Alright, lady, spill. You have something on your mind, and I want to know what it is,” Lizzie demands, pointing her fork at me.
I roll my eyes. “I always have something on my mind, Lizzie.”
“True, but your vibes are different. Whatever’s on your mind has your aura piss yellow when normally you’re like a murky blue.”
What a lovely visual. I don’t understand what she means when she says she can see someone’s aura, but I go with it because I love her, and she’s never steered me wrong.
I take a long sip of my soda and then a deep breath. “Talmage asked me to marry him—”
Lizzie chokes on a piece of chicken, slapping the leather couch as she coughs and tries to swallow it.
“WHAT?” she gasps when she finally swallows, her face turning scarlet. “Are you fucking with me? Please say you’re fucking with me! I didn’t know you guys were even dating!”
“We aren’t. We’ve gone to lunch one time and text occasionally, but you know that already. He showed up at the bar on Sunday and asked me to marry him so Harper can have full insurance coverage for her insulin.”
Lizzie’s mouth purses, and she tilts her head, processing the information.
“I know it’s crazy.”
“Definitely crazy,” she agrees. “Especially considering you haven’t talked to each other in over a decade. He just waltzes in and asks you to marry him after a singular lunch date? What’s in it for him?”
“He says he wants to get his family off his back about getting married, and he wants someone to teach him how to leave the church.”
“That’s it? That’s his only reason?”
I shrug. “It’s the only reason he gave.”
“That doesn’t seem like a red flag to you?”
“I don’t know,” I grumble. “You know how I feel about him. My mind’s not exactly in the best headspace when it comes to Talmage.”
Lizzie nods, and I swear I see the wheels turning in her head. After a few minutes of silence she shrugs. “I think you should do it.”
Now it’s my turn to be shocked. “ What?! Lizzie, you’re supposed to be the voice of reason! You’re supposed to say, ‘Yeah, Mack, that’s crazy and stupid. Don’t do it.’”
Lizzie shrugs again and picks up a spring roll.
“I mean, is it a little crazy? Sure. But think about it, Mack. You get coverage for Harper’s insulin without having to find a new job, and you don't have to keep working yourself so hard. You could take a break, have an actual life. Plus,” she gives me a sinister grin, “you can’t tell me you’re not at least a little excited for the chance to be married to Talmage. This is literally your teenage dream.”
I shoot her a glare. “Key word being teenage . I’m an adult now, Lizzie. My dreams have changed.”
“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me you’re not at least a little curious about the muscles underneath that uniform.
Not to mention, if he’s still in the church, it stands to reason he’s a virgin, so you could teach him a few things.
” She waggles her eyebrows suggestively, and my face heats a million degrees.
“We would not be doing anything remotely sexual. We probably wouldn’t even kiss. I’m not going to be accused of corrupting him—again.”
“But you’ve thought about it!”
“I’m a woman who appreciates a man in uniform and hasn’t had sex in over five years. Of course I’ve thought about it. But we wouldn’t stay married forever. I wouldn’t want to do anything to risk my already fragile heart.”
Lizzie’s face softens. “Marrying him would risk your heart, babe. I hate to say it, but we both know that—”
“I know, I know,” I cut her off. I don’t need a reminder that I’ve been harboring feelings for him for over a decade .
Fucking feelings.
I wish I could just turn them off. Shove them in a box and toss them into the ocean. Or set them on fire.
“You really think I should do it, though?”
“Hell yeah. Let him help you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll rekindle the old flame.”
“Not happening. I’m keeping my heart locked in a vault, thank you very much.”
“Okay, keep your heart locked away but take the boy to Pound Town. Let him get his dick wet, and show him a good time.”
“Elizabeth Marie Mikkelson!” I scold, but Lizzie is unaffected by it. She just cackles.
The conversation—thankfully—shifts to other things, but as the night goes on, my anxiety grows.
When Lizzie leaves and I’m left alone with my thoughts, I spiral. I should give him an answer soon.
But does the benefit of having Harper’s insulin paid for outweigh the potential damage to my already barely hanging on heart? Is it selfish of me to say no simply because I don’t want to give my heart another reason to get attached to him?
I’ve had over ten years to get over him, but for whatever reason, my heart’s kept him close.
I don’t know if I can handle another devastation when our marriage inevitably ends.
But this would be for Harper. To make sure she can get the best care possible and not worry that I won’t be able to afford enough insulin next month.
I already know what I’m going to do, I just have to remember to keep my heart in check.
I open the front door, expecting a pizza delivery, but it’s not a delivery driver. It’s Talmage, soaked from head to toe because of the rain. His chest is heaving like he’s been running.
“Talmage?” I whisper. “What are you doing here?”
He steps forward, close enough for me to see the lighter hues of blue in his eyes. “I’m here to tell you I love you, Mackenzie Thorpe. My heart has always been yours.”
“Wh-what are you talking about? You’re engaged.”
He shakes his head. “I broke it off with her. I never should have been with her in the first place, it’s always been you. ”
“I’ve been waiting so long, Tal,” I admit through a sob. “How do I know you won’t leave me again?”
“I’m sorry, Firefly. I promise, my heart is yours. I’m yours forever. Please, Mack, I need you.”
“Kiss me, Talmage. Show me.”
Talmage steps forward, his hands cupping my face and leaning in, his breath fanning across my lips as—
I jolt awake, my eyes shooting open. I glance at the clock and see it’s almost 4 a.m., the normal time my brain comes back to reality after my dreams.
They always end before I can kiss Talmage.
Frustrated tears burn behind my eyes like usual after a dream where he’s confessed his feelings. Where he swoops in like a knight to save me.
Before he came back into my life, my dreams left me sad and angry. Angry that my brain would betray me and give me a glimpse of a future I could have.
Now, it feels like a sick form of torture because he’s back and offering a future where he’s in it but not in the way I want.
If I say yes to him, he has the ability to crush my heart into a million tiny pieces.
If I say no, I’ll most likely lose him again, and I’ll have to keep working myself to the bone in order to keep me and the twins afloat.
Either way, my heart is at risk, and I don’t have the strength to handle another heartbreak.