14. Chapter 14
Talmage
I can still feel the way her lips felt on mine, even as I’m sitting in church on Sunday.
All I’ve been able to think about all weekend is how perfect our first kiss was and how I can’t wait to do it again. For the rest of our lives.
I feel bad because I can’t tell my mom about what happened, when all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops. She doesn’t seem to like Mack all that much, though I can’t figure out why. So if I told her I had the perfect kiss with the girl I’m in love with, I think she’d be mad.
Saying those three words out loud filled me with so much happiness, I swear I thought I was going to burst. Something like peace settled inside me, and I finally get when people say “when you know, you know.”
Because I know.
One day, Mackenzie Thorpe is going to be my wife.
Mackenzie Thorpe is my fiancée.
That’s the first thought I had when I woke up.
Covered in… stuff from a wet dream.
A dream that feels wrong to have about my fiancée because she didn’t give me consent to think about her like that. But I swear I didn’t mean to. It’s just…
I’m almost thirty, a virgin, and have only kissed five people in my entire life.
I’ve never masturbated—ever. And that may be unbelievable to some, but it’s been drilled into me forever that it’s wrong.
I was told masturbation could lead to damnation, so I’ve just…
never done it. I’ve barely been tempted to.
Well, at least not since I was a teenager going through puberty. There were times my ex would try to initiate more, but I would shut it down fast. We were going to be married in the temple! I wasn’t about to risk it just to get off.
Maybe that’s another reason she ended things, now that I think about it.
But—and I hate to admit it because it makes me feel bad—I wasn’t nearly as attracted to her as I am to Mack. Just remembering our simple kiss is making me a little bothered.
After we shared the best crème brulee I’ve ever had, I drove her home and walked her to her door. She didn’t ask me to come inside, and we didn’t kiss again, but it’s okay. It was still one of the best nights of my life. A step towards the future with her as my wife.
I wish our first kiss after thirteen years wasn’t in a crowded restaurant, but it felt right in the moment, and I wouldn’t change it. Fitting, since our first kiss back then was also in a crowded space. A restaurant is much better than a gym full of sweaty teenagers, though.
I didn’t want to pull back from our kiss. The feeling of her luxurious lips against mine made my brain melt and my blood boil in a way it hasn’t before, and I wanted to keep kissing her forever.
It was probably a good thing she pulled away when she did, though, because we were in a crowded restaurant.
Am I a little disappointed I didn’t get to kiss her goodnight at her door? Yes. But do I also know she probably only kissed me because we were in public, and it was the natural thing after a proposal? Also yes.
I still have a bit of work to do before she fully understands—comprehends, accepts—I’m serious about her. About us.
As soon as I woke up—and took care of the mess—I texted Mack.
I changed my lock screen to the picture the waitress took last night, and I grinned when I saw it first thing this morning.
Mack’s hand is on my chest, and her smile is wider than I’ve ever seen it.
The best part is it doesn’t look forced.
She looks genuinely happy, and it makes warmth spread through my limbs.
We look amazing together.
TAL: Good morning, Mack! sunshine emoji I hope you slept well. I’m telling my family about us today. Can I come see you after? smiley face
It’s been two hours, and she hasn’t responded. I’ve walked Siren, played fetch until my shoulder got tired and she was ready for a nap. Now I’m just sitting on my couch sketching until it’s time to leave for dinner at my parents’.
I already knew I’d be skipping church today, and I feel like a rebel doing it without a legitimate reason.
I don’t feel as guilty as I usually do, so that’s progress. Maybe Mack is rubbing off on me already.
I’m so lost in my drawing of a dragon flying over a field of wildflowers that my phone buzzing startles me, and I snap the lead of my pencil.
I groan, not looking forward to sharpening it. But it’s all worth it when I see who texted me back.
MACK: Hey, I slept okay, thanks. You? What time did you want to stop by?
TAL: I slept wonderfully, thanks. heart I was thinking 7, probably. Is that okay?
MACK: That’s fine. I took Kinsley and Harper out to breakfast today and told them we’re getting married.
TAL: How did it go? peeking emoji
MACK: About as well as I expected. Lots of questions. Be prepared for them to do the same to you.
TAL: I’ll come prepared, promise. winky face
MACK: Good luck telling your family. I’ll see you later.
TAL: Looking forward to it. kissy face heart
She doesn’t respond, and part of me wonders if the kissing emoji was too much.
Dang it, now I’m thinking about kissing her again.
Smudge-proof lipstick.
Needing a distraction, I get off the couch and put my art supplies back in the drawer before taking a quick shower and putting on some nicer clothes than the sweats and Springville FD shirt I had on.
Why am I more nervous to tell my parents I’m getting married than I was to ask Mack to marry me? Maybe because my mom hasn’t liked Mack in the past, and this is really sudden. But I’m an adult. I can make my own choices. They don’t have to like them, but they do have to respect them.
I get Siren buckled into the car and drive to my parents’ house. Time to face the music.
The clink of utensils hitting ceramic fills the air as we all dig into our food. I’m next in the lineup of updates on my life, and I think I’m sweating with how nervous I am.
Lauren is just finishing telling us about a guy in her master’s program, a world-famous cellist who can no longer play to the same caliber because of a broken arm.
He wants to teach now, and they’re in a study group together.
She doesn’t say it with the cadence of someone who’s interested in him romantically, but it doesn’t stop my mom from pouncing on the information.
“Well, he sounds like a nice boy. Maybe you two can… study together,” Mom says, and Lauren groans.
“Anyway, Talmage, you’re up. What’s new with you?” Dad asks, moving the conversation along.
I set down my fork and rub my hands on my thighs. “Well, I actually have some really big news. I’m getting married on February fifteenth. ”
A few forks drop, everyone’s eyes turn to me, and my mom gasps.
“What do you mean you’re getting married? To whom?” Mom sounds outraged and maybe a little hurt.
“Mackenzie Thorpe—”
“WHAT?” she yells. “That—that… girl who made you do things against your will as a teenager? The one who made you stray from the path? Talmage, please tell me you’re joking!” Mom spits out the word “girl” like it’s an insult, and feelings I’m not used to swell in my chest.
Anger. Defensiveness.
I’m angry my mom is already insulting my future wife, angry she’s holding a grudge with a teenager . I didn’t think she’d be singing Mack’s praises or making plans to take her wedding dress shopping, but I also didn’t expect her to be so mad, so hurtful.
I try to keep myself calm, even though I want to snap at her. “You’re acting like I wasn’t a willing participant in my relationship with her when we were teenagers, Mom, and that’s not fair to her. Mackenzie didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do, but you’ve always thought she did.”
Mom shakes her head. “She’s bad news, Talmage.
She doesn’t go to church, she’s got those tattoos, and not to mention the trauma she’s been through.
Who knows what kind of mental issues she has!
Besides, I didn’t know you two were even talking again!
Now you’re telling me you’re getting married? It’s just unbelievable.”
“Well, believe it. It may be fast, but you’re always telling me ‘when you know, you know,’ and I know. Mackenzie isn’t bad news. She’s the woman I’m going to marry. The best thing to ever happen to me. I love her.”
The weight of the truth of those words settles the anger in me, just a little.
It’s soon. It’s crazy. But I don’t really care.
They’re true regardless of the timing. I only wish I would have told Mack I love her before I told my mom, but I don’t know how receptive Mack would be to those words right now.
She’s still a little closed off, and I know I need to give her time to be prepared to hear them.
I’ll wait until she trusts me explicitly to tell her.
“Well, I can’t support you not getting married in the temple, and I’m assuming you’re not. This is the wrong choice, Talmage.” Mom looks to my dad for support, and he just sits there with his arms crossed and shakes his head in disappointment.
My siblings all have their heads down now, avoiding eye contact with me or my mom, not wanting to get in the middle of this. I don’t blame them. My mom can be scary.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you, and I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can support me.
” I take a deep breath. It's time to go big or go home. “I guess I might as well rip off the Band-Aid and add that I’m leaving the church. And before you blame Mackenzie for it, you should know this has been a long time coming—before I even reconnected with her. She’s just given me the courage to finally do it. ”
Mom’s eyes fill with tears, and she covers her mouth like she’s holding in a scream.
“I knew you going to California—being around sin and hanging out with Emma—was a bad idea. But you wanted to spread your wings and try something different, so I didn’t say anything.
I hoped you’d be stronger than your cousins, but I guess Satan is stronger. ”
The anger comes back with a blazing vengeance, this time on behalf of my cousins.
“Emma, Elli, and Hannah are some of the strongest people I know. You don’t know half of what they’ve been through.
I hoped you’d be more accepting of my decision, but I understand this is hard and you’ll need time.
I hope you’ll change your mind because I’d like you to be there on my wedding day, but only if you’re going to be happy for me. ”
I stand and take my half-eaten food to the sink, then whistle for Siren to come in from the backyard and get her in the car. All the while my mom’s sporadic sobs and Dad’s hushed words of comfort act as a soundtrack to my departure. No one tries to stop me, and it stings more than I anticipated.
Unfortunately, the dinner didn’t go the way I wanted it to. But I still have a sliver of hope they’ll come around.
At least the silver lining is I get to see Mack tonight. I just… won’t tell her my mom’s still holding a grudge with the teenage version of her. Mom will have to get over it if she wants to be part of my life.
Mackenzie is the most important person in my life now. My family—at least for now.
Forever if I can help it.