31. Chapter 31
Mackenzie
I ’ll forever be grateful for finding Lizzie as a friend. Without her, there’s no way I would have survived sophomore and junior year. She’s distracted me with movie nights and held my hand while I’ve cried.
I would be lost without her.
I’ve had to watch Tal date the other girls in choir. I’ve had to dance with him in the musical. I’ve had to sit and listen to his melodic tenor voice and watch him give his golden smile to everyone but me.
It’s been terrible.
I thought I could erase the hurt by kissing more people, going on more dates. Out of sight, out of mind. Moving on.
Every date, every “hang out” with someone who wasn’t him ended up enhancing the fact Talmage is the best I’ll ever get, and being with anyone else is settling.
Which is rude of me, I know, because I’ve had two boyfriends since he broke up with me.
But neither of them felt like home the way Talmage did. Neither of them looked at me like I was something special and precious.
So I’ll keep trying to find someone else, even as my heart holds on to the hope that one day, Tal will change his mind.
I’m embarrassed to admit the amount of letters I’ve written to him, begging him to come back to me. I’m pathetic.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Just like Brock used to say.
I shudder just thinking his name, and tears well in my eyes.
Another mistake in the long line of them on my list.
Tal’s been acting weird for the last week. He’s been wearing basketball shorts to bed instead of just his boxers, and part of me wonders if it’s because of his… sticky situation.
Does an extra layer make it less likely for a wet dream to happen? I don’t really know how it works.
All I know is I can’t stop thinking about that morning. What I saw, the overwhelming heat that sizzled through my body. The way I wanted to pull away his boxers and clean up the mess he’d made .
I only saw the outline through his soiled underwear, but from what I could tell, Tal is well endowed.
I can’t stop imagining what it would feel like. I want to know what he tastes like. How the weight of him would feel in my hand—in my mouth, in me .
But I think my blatant staring scared him because he’s been careful not to touch me, especially during the night. We’ve had surface level conversations but haven’t ventured into anything deeper.
Or maybe I’m just projecting because I scared myself.
My feelings are too strong. My desire for him is becoming overwhelming, I find myself zoning out at work and playing out “what if” scenarios. I try to read, but all I can picture is Tal and me in the place of the main characters.
And not just during the spicy scenes.
During the big gestures and love confessions, all I can picture is Talmage saying those things to me.
I can’t take much more of this. It’s our one-month anniversary, and every day that passes, the tension ramps up higher.
It’s almost two o’clock in the morning, and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, trying to find a justifiable reason to give in to the pull between us. I feel like I need a plausible excuse to fuck my husband, and I can’t think of a single one.
Logically, I know it would just cause me more pain. It would hurt to have him in such an intimate way and then have to end things, but Goddammit, I don’t think I’ve ever been so needy in my life.
On Monday, Tal let me know he had an appointment after work and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. The girls had their clubs in the afternoon, so I took some time to myself. I got in the bath, read a spicy scene, and brought my trusty rose with me.
I was able to come, so I thought I was good and could handle seeing my husband without wanting to jump his bones, but nope.
The minute he came downstairs and hit me with his golden smile, my vagina perked up, acting like we haven’t been touched in years—which isn’t wrong.
I shift, ready to roll out of bed and make a cup of tea, when Tal mumbles something in his sleep. I pause, not wanting to wake him. I haven’t heard him talk in his sleep before, but I’ve been sleeping much deeper since we started sharing a bed, so maybe I’ve just missed it.
“Mack,” he mumbles, rolling onto his side to face me.
“What?” I whisper, still unsure if he’s actually awake.
“Need you to touch me.” He moves his hips in a thrusting motion. “Please, Firefly.”
My entire body freezes. His eyes are closed, so I don’t think he’s awake. I don’t want to wake him up and ruin the dream but…
Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lie here and listen to him moan my name. I don’t want him to wake up embarrassed again.
I reach over and poke his shoulder. “Talmage. Tal. Bear. Wake up.”
Tal jolts and blinks awake, the whites of his eyes barely visible in the dark room. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Everything’s fine. You um… you were having a dream. Talking in your sleep. ”
“Oh.” He’s completely silent for a second, and I think he’s fallen back to sleep until he says, “Sorry if I woke you up.”
“You didn’t. I was awake.”
“Have you slept at all?” I hear the worried frown in his voice.
“Not really,” I admit softly. “But it’s okay. I don’t have any plans tomorrow, so I can sleep in… if I ever fall asleep.”
Tal shifts and sits up in the bed. “How can I help you? Can I get you some tea or something?”
I’m glad he can’t see me because I’m sure my face is beet red with the thoughts of how he can help me. All of them are rated R.
“Can you just hold me? Maybe?”
“Of course. You don’t have to ask me to snuggle. Come here.”
I lie down and scoot towards him, my back to his front, regretting this suggestion immediately when his clean scent and warmth envelop me.
He tosses an arm over my hip while I lay my head on his bicep, but I notice his body is arched in what’s probably an uncomfortable position.
“Why are you arched like that?” I ask, but as soon as the words are out, I realize why.
He’s trying to make it so I don’t feel… it.
God, I want to feel him.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he murmurs.
“I’m fine, Tal. Don’t worry about me.”
Talmage makes a pained sound but shuffles until the front of his thighs meet the back of mine, and—
There it is.
Hot and hard against the curve of my ass, and I swear I feel it twitch. My instincts are telling me to grind back, but I fight them with everything in me.
Not hard enough, apparently, because I move back, just a little bit and press myself against him harder.
“ Mack, ” Tal groans, gripping my hip to stop me from moving. The heat from his palm sears my skin through my clothes, and I just barely hold back a whimper.
“I’m just trying to get comfortable,” I feign innocence, but I don’t believe myself with the way my voice comes out breathy and thick with need.
“I get that, and you should be comfortable, but please. You’re killing me here. I’m trying really hard not to cross any lines.”
Maybe it’s the exhaustion from keeping my emotions in check, or maybe it’s the blanket of darkness making me feel brave, but I find myself asking, “Do you want to cross them?”
I feel more than I hear the deep breath Tal takes. “Yes.”
Bless his blatant honesty. I don’t know why I find his restraint so attractive—probably because of my past—but it only makes me want him more.
I’m tired of fighting the pull I feel towards him, and he seems to want me just as much, so what’s the harm in finding some mutual satisfaction with each other?
“What if I told you I want you to cross them?” I whisper, shifting my hips back again.
“I would ask if you’re sure. I would tell you I’ll follow your lead, do whatever you want. I would say I don’t know what I’m doing, Mack, but I’m willing to learn. Anything you want, anything you need. I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you everything. ”
Goddammit. His eagerness is so hot. Hotter than it should be.
“What do you want to learn first, Tal?” I flip over so I’m facing him. I can barely make out his features in the dark, but I think his eyes are pinched shut.
“I want to taste you,” he whimpers. “Teach me how to make you feel good. Please.”
I sit up and lean over to turn on the lamp, blinking rapidly while my eyes adjust.
“Are you sure this is something you want?” I look him directly in the eyes. I need to be sure.
“Yes,” he answers immediately, determination in his tone.
I lie back down on the bed and take off my shorts, discarding them on the floor. “Have you ever seen a pussy in real life before?”
Tal shakes his head, his eyes planted firmly on my face, like he’s scared to look down.
“Well, you’ll have to look in order to taste, Tal.
” I don’t know where this confidence is coming from.
My need for my husband is overpowering any insecurities or hesitancy I may have.
Maybe it’s because he’s inexperienced, and I need to take the lead.
Maybe it’s the way his eyes are greedily taking me in, making me feel more beautiful than anything else ever has. Whatever it is, I don’t hate it.
His eyes get stuck on a tattoo on my hip. One that hasn’t been visible until now.
One of the few Lizzie didn’t do because I knew she’d refuse .
It’s a simple line drawing of a teddy bear with hearts on the bottom of its feet. To anyone else, it wouldn’t seem like anything special, but Tal’s eyes whip up to mine, swirling with questions.
He must sense my apprehension to talk about it because instead of asking, he lies down on the bed, his face inches from my pussy. I let out a breath of relief.
“Wow,” he whispers reverently, his stare locked on my exposed cunt.
I don’t wax, just give myself a bit of a trim every so often, and while I should feel self-conscious, it’s hard to be when he’s looking at it like it’s a rare piece of art.
After a moment, he looks up at me over the swell of my stomach.
“Can I touch you?” His voice is huskier than I’ve ever heard it, and my pussy clenches greedily.
“Yes.”
“Will you tell me if what I’m doing doesn’t feel good?” He sounds hesitant.