Chapter Twenty-Nine - Rachel
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Rachel
“Lyla! It’s time for a bath!” I call, turning the water off now that it fills half the tub.
I wait for her response and call out again when it doesn’t come. When there’s still no answer, my heart drops as I race to her room.
She’s probably hurt or worse.
No, no, no. I shove these thoughts away and nearly collapse with relief when I see her curled on the floor of her room.
That is, until I notice the tears streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?” I ask, lowering myself to the floor and pulling her into my arms.
She buries her face in my shirt, pointing at the floor, where I find a framed picture of Ryder holding her as an infant. For a second, the lump in my throat is so thick I can’t say a word.
“You miss Daddy?” I ask, but the words are strangled.
She nods.
I shake my head, but it does nothing to ease the fury burning me from the inside out.
What kind of father would go an entire week without talking to his daughter?
Being mad at me is one thing, but taking it out on Lyla by neglecting their daily calls is a level of low that I never thought Ryder would stoop to.
On the rare occasion Ryder misses a call, he always makes it up to her in one way or another—often with extra-long calls or deliveries of flowers or stuffed animals—but he hasn’t bothered reaching out since he left seven days ago.
Maybe this is what I needed.
The fact that Ryder is an amazing dad makes it so much harder to hate him.
This week, it’s been easy.
And right now, holding our daughter, who’s crying because she misses him so bad, hating him is a breeze.
Not only has Ryder’s neglect made Lyla more emotional, but she’s had major regressions since he went to Los Angeles. She’s refused to go to her martial arts classes (no matter how much Mr. Torres and Dominic tried to coax her), she’s barely talking, and she’s wet the bed twice.
I called Dr. Danver, who said the lack of stability Lyla is experiencing from Ryder leaving will take time to ease. I need to give Lyla all the support that I can so she doesn’t feel like she’s been abandoned.
I don’t care how hurt Ryder’s fragile ego is. There is absolutely no excuse for this.
And though the impact it’s had on Lyla is my greatest grievance, I can hardly ignore how this has affected my job.
Since Meredith was already in San Francisco when Ryder left, I was forced to miss the work retreat, and the promotion was given to another candidate.
Then, with Lyla’s regression, I’d had to take another full week of—unpaid—leave.
Mrs. Caster is so furious that not even David’s words on my behalf have helped.
She’ll be interviewing candidates for my position by mid-week if I’m not back.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I really thought Ryder would do the right thing.
I waited for him—rather pathetically—to come back inside that night and tell me that he was choosing me, but he never did.
I watched from my bedroom window as he pulled his car around to the pool house, loaded his stuff, and drove away.
You weren’t worth it to him. You never will be. That hiss repeats the words it’s chanted since Ryder left, and it’s getting more and more difficult to push them away.
Once Lyla is bathed and dressed, I settle her on the couch with a princess movie and head to the kitchen. I’m far enough away that Lyla shouldn’t overhear anything, but I still have her in my line of sight.
I stare at the black screen of my phone, thinking through the dozens of things I want to say to Ryder, all while fiddling with the heart-shaped charm around my neck.
The morning after Ryder left, I’d been bleary-eyed and so anxious my knuckles ached. I didn’t think twice before taking the drive from the safe and looking through it the same way I used to, then securing it around my neck.
My phone chimes with an incoming call, and I actually wonder if it’s Ryder for a moment. It isn’t, of course. Elli’s name lights up the screen, and the relief accompanying that realization tells me I need a few more minutes before I call Ryder to chew him out.
“Hey, Elli,” I answer in a voice far lighter than I feel.
“I swear I’m being choked by all the testosterone in this base.”
“That bad?” I ask, fighting the urge to ask about Ryder.
“Bad isn’t the word I’d use. I mean, considering that I’m the country’s first female capo, I was well respected.
But wow, these capos are such… men. I mean, everything is a competition, which I don’t get since we’re all the same family.
They might as well have just pulled down their pants to measure their—” A grumpy mumbling interrupts her.
“Oh, relax, it’s an expression,” she replies, and I assume the voice was Moreno’s. “Anyway,” she says to me, “how are things there?”
“All right,” I tell her, omitting the part about how I haven’t slept, have barely eaten, and held my sobbing daughter because she misses her father so much.
“I’m planning a trip to come visit soon. I’ve never been to Sacramento, and I need some girl time. These calls can only help for so long before I’m afraid I’ll start to go crazy.”
“Feel free to visit anytime,” I tell her, and I wonder if she can hear how hollow the words sound.
“Good! It’ll be strictly for fun, too. Gosh, I cannot work with Briggs for another moment. Every conversation with him feels like talking to a brick wall. I thought Joshua and Ryder were hard-headed, but he’s like an actual statue.”
That makes me laugh, and for the first time in a week, I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated to death by my pathetic heartbreak.
“Yeah, he’s intimidating,” I agree, then process the implications of her statement. “Wait, why was he even there? I thought only one capo from each base came.”
“Yeah, it was Briggs.”
My mind and heart don’t seem to process this information the same way. My brain is full of questions, like why two Sacramento capos went if only one was needed or why Elli hasn’t mentioned anything about seeing Ryder even though she’s been missing him for weeks.
On the other hand, my heart has sunken to the pit of my stomach in a mix of terror and dread because somehow—somehow—it knows that something is very wrong.
“What do you mean?” I ask in a tight whisper. “Ryder left last week.”
My brain slowly begins to process what my heart already knows.
“Rachel,” Elli says my name slowly, or maybe she doesn’t, and it only sounds that way because I’m on the verge of passing out. “Ryder never came to the capo conference.”
If he never went to the conference…
I hear Moreno’s voice in the background, asking questions that I can’t make out.
“What’s going on? Where’s Ryder?” Elli asks, but I can barely breathe.
“He left a week ago,” I choke out. “I-I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If he didn’t go to LA—”
Moreno’s voice is now coming through the phone, urgent and authoritative. “Rachel, stay where you are. We’re on our way.”
I barely hear him. I sink to the floor as the realization hits me with the full force of its horror.
Ryder is missing, and wherever he is, he’s in trouble.