Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
One thing I appreciate about living in a town like Forrest Falls is that you never have to worry about parking. There’s no need to show up early anywhere to find a place to park, because if there isn’t a spot right out front, you may only have to walk a block or two at most.
Life is different in a big city.
The first time I came to Nashville to visit Harlow, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that her condo included two parking spots per unit. They also offered guest parking in the underground lot, but I’m not a guest here.
It feels like kismet that Harlow was able to once again easily make room for me in her life. The extra parking space isn’t really extra anymore—it’s mine.
Just like Harlow.
In the off chance her testimony this week goes longer than she expects, she may be stuck in Philadelphia longer than a single day, which means we may not get to see each other on Valentine’s Day.
So, I was more than happy to duck out of work early and spend the evening with her at her place tonight.
I prefer having her at my house whenever possible because she makes it feel even more like home, but it was foolish to make her drive all that way with her early morning flight.
I use the key fob she gave me to park and get into her condo.
I’m arranging the take-out from Spoon and Smash when I hear her come through the front door.
“Oh, honey, I’m home,” she calls in a sing-song voice from the entryway.
I turn the corner from the kitchen, and she knocks the breath right out of me.
Harlow is beautiful, and I am flabbergasted at how unaware of that fact she is. She grew up with a mother that continuously pointed out where she lacked in terms of beauty and grace, but that’s all I see when I look at her.
She may still not believe me, but she will one day. I’m making it my personal mission for her to believe in her own magic.
Because Harlow is fucking magic.
“Welcome home, Lo. How was your day?” I walk over and take her handbag then help her out of her coat before pulling her into my arms.
I inhale deeply, and my nervous system settles at the warmth that spreads throughout my entire being when she’s in my arms.
Where she belongs.
“It was good, a lot of prep and notes review for tomorrow’s testimony, but not anything unexpected, which makes for a good day in my book.
” She leans up on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek as I run my hand along her jaw and angle her just right to welcome my girl home properly.
An unexpected day in my work means reports not running correctly or numbers reporting outside of budgeted expectations, but in Harlow’s world, an unexpected day can mean anything from a break in an ongoing case to a new serial killer popping up on the team’s radar.
Instinctually, I pull her a little tighter, and as though she can read my thoughts, she hums contentedly in my arms.
“But now that I’m with you, it’s a very good day.”
I smile unabashedly at that. “I love that, baby. Come on, I brought dinner. Let’s eat.”
After dinner, we cuddle on the couch with the fireplace being the only light in her living room.
While we were eating, she asked me questions about what Mama was like, and ultimately, that led our conversation to what it was like when she passed.
I hate talking about that chapter, but I don’t want to keep anything from Harlow; from the good to the bad, I want to share everything with her.
Harlow is snuggled under my arm and tracing random patterns on my chest while I lazily run my fingers through her hair. “Obviously, I have a different relationship with my own mother, but I can’t imagine that pain. I’m so sorry I don’t get to meet her, Ryan.”
“Oh, she would have loved you, no doubt. Your baking skills alone would have put you directly in her good graces.”
“So, she just wanted a modern-day Becky Home-Ecky for you?”
“No, she thought baking was an art form—something you do with heart and feeling. She would have said something like you must have a good heart to be that good of a baker.”
Harlow tilts her head up at me with a grin. “I love that outlook.” Her smile falls as she stares into the fire. “You’re so lucky to have had such a loving mother.”
“Do you think … have you ever imagined that the relationship with your own mother could change? And if it could, what would you want that to look like?”
She shrugs slightly and goes back to drawing patterns on my chest with her fingers.
“There have been a few times where I thought it was possible. One time, during my fellowship at MGH in Boston, there was a fluke timing of events where three of my colleagues lost their mother within a four-day period.”
I look down at her but don’t interrupt as she is still staring into the flames. “One was a car accident, one was an accidental death, and one was a heart attack, I believe.”
I know the realities of Harlow’s job and career mean she faces death regularly, but it has to be different when there is a personal connection to it versus a patient that they don’t know out of the doctor-patient relationship.
“When the police came to notify one of them, I was actually in the lounge with him and a few other colleagues. One minute, we were all eating our lunches and lost in our patient notes, then I looked up and saw the police officers and it … it was so sad.” She shakes her head, exhaling deeply.
“That’s a lot of loss in a short period of time, especially all mothers. Did you talk to your own mother about it?”
Harlow shrugs again, and her face falls a little more. “I tried. I told her what I would like our relationship to look like and how we could take steps to better understand one another.”
“Was she open to those suggestions?”
“No. I believe she said something along the lines that I was too old to be acting like a child and really should learn to grow up.”
“Wait a minute. You were talking to her about colleagues losing their mothers and how you wanted to be closer … and her response was for you to grow up?”
“Wild, right?” She huffs out a breath. “I try to imagine someone like Vivian or Savannah responding that way to their child asking to have a better relationship with them, and I just … I can’t fathom it, Ryan.”
“My sisters—and my own mother—would never respond that way. And I have to be honest, Lo, it breaks my heart a little that your mother responded like that to you. You deserve better than that, honey.”
“Maybe, or maybe she’s not capable of giving more than what she already does.”
“Do you really believe that?”
“No, I think that she gives me exactly the amount she is willing, able, and interested in giving to our relationship. It’s not essential other than appearances.”
“Did she want to have children? Sorry if that’s rude, but she doesn’t seem like any mother I’ve ever met, and I’m trying to understand the woman.”
“Probably not, but I think it was an area of her life where she felt like she didn’t have a choice.
In a certain level of society, your wealth is dependent on your bloodline, and it’s your obligation, for a lack of a better word, to continue it.
I’ve even heard of some trusts where having a child or children is a requirement to have access to one’s trust fund. ”
“Shut up.”
Harlow barks out a laugh at that. “No, I’m serious. People are weird when it comes to money, but when you grow up in a culture and environment where these things are typical and common, it’s not weird. It’s not unheard of for people to marry for mergers of companies, or for other benefits.”
“Like arranged marriages?”
“Exactly. If my parents thought I would agree, I’m sure I would be married off already.”
“You aren’t interested in marriage?”
“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m interested in marrying someone for love and the right reasons. I’m interested in marrying someone that takes my breath away, adds incredible value to my life, and who I love with everything that I am.”
I pull her closer to me and wrap my other arm around her. “I’m very interested in all of that, Lo. So long as it’s with you.”
She nuzzles into my chest, and I wish I could take away the sting of her mother’s words and choices, but I can’t heal that wound. What I can do is love this woman and hope that my love is enough to overshadow that pain.
She hums. “I agree, in fact, I think that is a brilliant idea.”