Chapter 32 Josh
JOSH
“Fuck!” I curse as I slam my car door closed.
I shouldn’t have walked out on Melanie, I know that, but I can’t wrap my brain around everything I’m feeling.
I haven’t felt pain like this in a very long time.
I haven’t let myself. I let Melanie in, knowing this relationship had the ability to break me but not fearing it actually would.
Everything fell neatly into place as it did all those years ago.
I should have kept my guard up, not let her in so easily.
Now I don’t know what to think. Or what to do.
I need some space. Time to clear my head.
I slam my fist into my steering wheel, sounding a loud honk.
“Damnit,” I mutter.
I pick up my phone, prepared to look for a hotel room. It would be costly at this time of the summer, right before Labor Day Weekend.
My phone buzzes in my hand before I can even open the search engine. Liam.
I suck in a breath, worrying he already knows about the fallout with Mel.
I tap the screen. “Hey, buddy.”
“Josh, what’s up man? I am calling to see if you want to come hang out with me and the guys over at my place?” Liam sounds jovial, which assures me that he doesn’t know anything. “If Melanie will let you out, of course.” He laughs at his own joke.
He definitely doesn’t know. I force a laugh of my own. “Actually, you called at a good time.”
“Yeah?”
“Mel and I are…taking a little bit of space,” I say it cautiously. I would never want Liam to feel as if he had to take sides and even if he did, he’d choose Melanie in a heartbeat.
“Oh, man. I’m sorry to hear that.” And he does sound genuinely sorry.
“Thanks.” I sigh and wait for him to continue.
“Well, where are you staying?” Liam asks.
“That I haven’t figured out yet. It just happened.” I rake my hand down my face, glancing at myself in the rearview mirror. I look like shit.
“Shit.” Liam sounds remorseful. “Well listen, I didn’t call anyone else yet. Just come over and have a beer with me. Whatever you need.”
“I don’t know,” I say, unsure if I want to disclose all my shortcomings to Liam.
“Come on, we go way back, man,” Liam urges. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I don’t argue. Partly because I don’t have the fortitude to argue with Liam and partly because a beer sounds really fucking good right now.
* * *
I pull up to Liam’s house a few minutes later and kill the engine. He’s already waiting for me on the porch, a beer in each hand. He stands when he sees me, then jogs down the steps, handing me a cold Corona.
“Yo.”
“Hey.” I take the beer, but I don’t take a sip. I let myself remember the cool feeling of the bubbles dancing on my tongue, a hint of sour and lime filling my mouth. Instead, I just hold it, running my fingers over the label, wet with condensation.
“Let’s head out back,” Liam says, already walking toward the side of the house.
“Where are Sophie and the girls?” I ask. “I’m going to block her from pulling in.”
“She took the girls to her dads for the weekend, and I have a side project to work on tomorrow, so I stayed behind.” Liam jogs up the steps of the deck and drops into an Adirondack chair. His dog, a golden retriever named Maggie, immediately trots up bringing him her beat-up tennis ball.
Liam takes it and launches it across the yard, reminding me that he used to be a pretty serious ball player. “Get it,” he says.
I sit down on the other chair. For a moment, both of us watch the dog go for the neon green ball.
“You good?” he finally asks, glancing sideways.
I shrug. “Not really.”
“Have a drink, it’ll take the edge off.” Liam takes a long pull from his own beer.
I shake my head. “Haven’t had one in a year.”
He turns, eyebrows up. “Shit. Sorry, man—I didn’t know.” He reaches over and gently takes the beer out of my hand. “Do you mind if I have one?”
“It’s fine. Honestly, just holding it was good for me. Like a little reminder.”
“Sounds like torture.”
I laugh once, short. “Sometimes you need a test of the wills, ya know?”
He huffs a quiet breath. “Yeah… I used to think that too. Then I realized willpower isn’t the enemy—silence is.” He takes another sip before adding, almost to himself, “I’ve had my own battle with the bottle. I used to think being numb was better than hurting.”
Maggie comes jaunting up the steps and puts her ball in my hand this time. I toss it half as far as Liam. She bolts anyway, tail wagging.
“You wanna talk about it? Or I can throw the game on, and we can pretend it’s just another night.”
I exhale. “Which part?”
Liam tips his head toward me, lips pulling to one side. “Whatever one’s stuck in your chest.”
“I guess I’ll start by explaining why I quit drinking. Two years ago, I got a DUI. Swerved to avoid hitting a kid on a bike and wrapped my car around a tree.”
Liam’s quiet, letting it settle. “Shit. But you were okay? The kid?”
I tilt my head back and forth, mulling over his question.
“Physically, yes, but I’ve struggled mentally ever since.
The kid was fine.” I rake my hands through my hair before resting my elbows on my knees.
“I became the same type of asshole that killed Cara. I was so wrapped up in my career and the music industry. I lost sight of what mattered.”
Liam’s jaw works and he nods. “Booze can make monsters out of decent men if we don’t watch it.
I drank myself stupid nearly every night after I lost Cara.
Thought if I stopped feeling, I’d stop missing her.
Stop feeling like it was my fault.” His voice goes gruff.
“Then I lost Leah too. It was a different pain, but there was still that same instinct to disappear into a bottle.”
He looks at me. “Grief’s a hell of a drinking buddy. But Josh, you’re not that guy. You can’t punish yourself forever.”
“I know. I’ve done the work. Therapy. Meetings. All of it.” I lean forward, elbows on my knees. “Tonight, I poured a glass of Jack and just stared it down until Melanie got home.”
Maggie brings her ball back to me, full of drool. I take it and toss it again. She watches it but then lays down at my feet instead. We laugh and I nudge her with my flip-flop.
“Ahh,” Liam says. “So, it’s not about the booze.” He drains the rest of his beer.
“Nope.”
Liam waits, doesn’t push. He just looks at me, his gaze steady.
“Can I tell you something and have it stay here?”
“Course.”
I scratch my jaw, standing, then pacing a little. “Did you know that Melanie was pregnant? Back then.”
Liam frowns, clearly confused. “No. Wait…what?”
I push my lips together into a tight line and nod.
Liam’s jaw falls slack then. “Y-yours?”
“Yeah.” I shake my head, still in disbelief.
“Fuck,” Liam mutters.
“She lost the baby in the accident. I just found out. I found a letter she never gave me in a drawer. It crushed me.”
“You talk to her about it?”
“Kind of. I flipped out. I didn’t have it in me to stay calm.” I move to the steps now and sit, rubbing my eyes.
Liam takes a sip of the beer he intended for me, hanging on my every word.
Then I tell him everything. How I wrestled with what to say to her but when she came in, I lost my cool and couldn’t talk about it rationally.
I tell him how I had been planning a life with her, she was it for me, and now I don’t know what to think.
Liam listens intently the whole time, and I’m brought back to the days we spent together that summer.
The girls would wander away on the beach or leave us alone to go to the bathroom together.
Liam and I were buds. Not best friends, but we had things to talk about.
He listens to me now like a brother would and I’m grateful.
When I finish, I glance at him. “Tell me what to do, man. You’re married. You know this shit. What do I do?”
Liam shakes his head. “I wish I could. But this one’s for you to figure out.”
“You got nothing?” I look at him, confused.
“Nope.” Liam sighs. “I’ll tell you this, though. After you moved, Melanie and I got close. For many years. She never once mentioned a pregnancy or miscarriage to me. God. She was hurting, and she still showed up for me when I was at my worst.”
His words stop me cold and my head jerks up before I can school my reaction.
Then I look away, fixing my gaze on the deck.
Close? For many years? Jesus. I didn’t know.
She never told me that either. That hits me harder than anything.
“She took care of everyone but herself,” I finally manage, my voice rough.
“Yeah,” he says softly.
I rub the back of my neck, trying to push down the knot in my chest. It shouldn’t matter who she was with back then, not after everything we’ve shared now, but it stings all the same. Another secret. Another reminder of how much time we lost. I’m starting to feel like I don’t know her at all.
“You know, I’m not mad at seventeen-year-old Melanie. She lost me, Cara, and our baby all at once. That’s hell.” I clear my throat, trying to keep it together. “But why wouldn’t she tell me now?”
Liam shakes his head. “I can’t answer that for her,” he says slowly. “But for what it’s worth, I have never seen Melanie so happy. Ever.”
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek. “I just need some time to think.”
Liam nods. He moves to sit next to me on the step and claps me on the back. “Then take it. But don’t wait too long.”
I let out a chuckle, eyes still on the yard. “What have you had years of therapy or something?”
Liam takes a sip of his drink with a smirk. “You could say that. Come on, let’s find you a bed.”