Chapter 59
CHAPTER 59
‘ I ’m never going to fit into my dress if I keep eating this,’ I said to Mum, devouring yet more chocolate cake at her kitchen bench.
‘Are you really fine about your Dad and me marrying?’
Nodding, I said, ‘I think so. I’ve learnt some things about myself recently.’
‘Sweetheart,’ Mum started.
‘Is that why you’re giving Dad another chance? Why you’re forgiving him after all these years? Is it because he made a similar’ – I searched for the right word – ‘slip up?’
‘Sometimes things just happen,’ Mum said quietly. ‘I can’t remember how it even started. Your dad was so busy at work. He never had time for me, for the two of us. At least that’s the way I saw it. He lost interest in me. And what with you and Robyn being social butterflies, spending weekends with your friends… I was lonely.’
‘Not when we were planning our holiday?’
‘By then it was too late. It had already started.’
‘Dad’s affair?’
‘Kate, Dad didn’t have an affair. He thought we were living a perfectly comfortable life. I was the one who was lonely when he went to work every day. I made his salami and pickle sandwiches and kissed him goodbye at the front door, but I wasn’t happy. I was depressed and isolated. It was so easy to…’
‘To what, Mum?’
‘To crave something more… something exciting.’
‘And?’
‘I was the one who found someone else. I was the one who had the affair. It started before that summer.’
‘That’s not true! It was Dad! He was with another woman . You were distraught, heartbroken, a complete wreck. You worshipped Dad. You’re not remembering correctly.’
‘I am.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’re covering for him. You’d never do that. Never have?—’
Mum put her hand under my chin and lifted my head. ‘What, Katie? An affair?’
I nodded.
‘Yes, I could, darling. And I did. It wasn’t your father who strayed. It was me.’
‘Oh my God! Who with?’
‘A friend. It doesn’t matter. It was over within months. He was married too. I guess we were both bored. I had no idea it would turn out the way it did. It wasn’t until after that I realised how much I’d hurt your father and how much I’d hurt myself and you girls in the process.’
‘But why?’
‘Why do any of us do the things we do? For excitement… because we’re bored… but sooner or later, we have to take responsibility for our actions. I’m not proud of what I did.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I tried, but honestly, I was a coward. It was easier for me to let you believe that your dad strayed. Life moved on. You married Matthew. Lexi was born. We got on with our lives.’
‘Yes, but without Dad.’
‘I tried to reconcile with him, to apologise. When I flew to Melbourne and found him in bed with that woman, I was shattered.’
‘But you were still married.’
‘Legally married, but memories play tricks, Katie. I’ve been trying to tell you. Dad left three months prior. It was easier to say Bob was working away from home – which he was – in Melbourne. But soon after, I realised I missed him, that I’d made a huge mistake. When I found him at the Windsor, I was heartbroken. Until then, I’d expected we could put the affair behind us. But when I saw him with her, part of me died.’
Mum took a moment. ‘They got married as soon as our divorce came through. Bob’s the kind of man… well, he didn’t want to live alone, and I guess he made his decision not to.’
‘I can’t believe you’re only telling me this now. It’s been twenty-five years.’
‘I never stopped loving your father. But the occasional bunch of roses and a night on the town would’ve made me happier. I didn’t want to take another lover or divorce him. I wanted your father to notice me, to shake things up.’
‘You certainly did. What happened with the other man?’
‘Oh, I’d ended it with him before I went down to Melbourne. His wife was none the wiser. I was the one who ended up losing. After a couple of years of feeling sorry for myself, I got on with it. I had to. Bob had a new life, with a new wife. You and Robyn had your lives. I was thirty-six. I had to sort myself out or wither and die.’
‘All this time I thought you were the victim.’
‘Katie, I was never the victim. Well, I was a victim of my own stupidity. ’
‘But our family?’
‘I was wrong, very wrong. I never stopped loving Bob or feeling responsible for what happened. But your dad and I have talked about it all. The past is the past. There’s nothing we can do to change it. The present and the future, that’s what’s important now. Bob and I are together again and will be for another twenty or thirty years. I know it doesn’t compensate for what happened all those years ago, but it’s a start.’
‘I don’t believe you. You can’t be serious. That’s almost twenty-five years of my life you’re talking about! All that time, I’ve hated Dad, twenty-five years he’s missed out on being a father and a grandfather.’
‘I’m so sorry, Katie.’
‘Sorry’s not good enough. Dad’s the reason I keep expecting Matthew will one day leave me for another woman – because my father did.’
‘But your father didn’t.’
‘I know that now, but all this time I’ve thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought Dad left the family because of something I did… because I wasn’t enough… and somehow, I was to blame.’
‘Why would you think that? You were a teenager.’
‘Why wouldn’t I? I was a teenager. We were planning a holiday… my mid-term report arrived. You and Dad asked me why I’d done so badly at maths, and I told you I didn’t need it… I was going to be a photographer. Soon after, Dad left. We didn’t go on the holiday and Dad never came back to live with us – but it was you all along. You’re the one who destroyed our family.’
Dad cleared his throat. ‘Kate, I need to say something.’
Mum quickly reached out to him. ‘How much have you heard?’
‘Enough.’ He kissed her and then walked up beside me.
‘Is it true?’ My voice wobbled. ‘Is Mum covering for you or is she telling the truth? ’
He grasped my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Katie, Mum’s telling the truth.’
Mum burst into tears, and I quickly followed. ‘But why? Why did you let us believe—’ I couldn’t finish my sentence.
Dad took a breath. ‘Pip and I met when we were young. Very young. Fourteen. We married at eighteen and we were parents at twenty. Twenty, Kate. Can you imagine?’
I shook my head.
‘We were in love. Of course we were, but that responsibility at such a young age. Robbie coming along two years later. We lost track of ourselves.’
‘Because we were on a treadmill,’ Mum chimed in.
‘I was consumed with providing for our growing family,’ Dad explained.
Mum crumpled in his arms. ‘I’m so sorry, Bob.’
‘Hey,’ he said, wiping her tears. ‘We’re okay, love. Nothing to be sorry for. We both made mistakes, and hey, look at us, we’ve made our way back to each other.’
‘Dad,’ I said, cutting in. ‘Do you love Mum, in a death till we part way.’
Tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘I do.’
‘And, Mum, do you love Dad and promise never to lie to your daughters again?’
‘Yes,’ she replied shakily.
‘Okay! Good. I love you both. Let’s do this.’
Mum made me another cup of tea – my fourth, I think – and I sat at the kitchen bench in a Lipton-induced daze and cried with Mum and Dad. Thinking about the lost years, the years I spent blaming Dad and hating him for a family break-up that wasn’t his fault. Okay, he had something to do with it – he’d neglected Mum – but he didn’t deserve all the vitriol I’d hurled at him over the years.