Chapter Fourteen
'Can I grab two coffees and a hot chocolate please?' A man asked before turning and smiling at his wife and daughter who were both sitting at a table colouring a paper lantern ready for the parade that evening.
'Yep. I'll bring it over.' Merri spoke before turning her back on him. She wasn’t sure how she'd got through the day, but this was booming too much right now.
Having to stand here and serve all these happy couples with their children as they all designed and coloured their paper lanterns before they headed to out for the lantern parade. Together. As a family.
Using the hem of her apron she dabbed at her eyes.
She hadn’t had a wink of sleep last night.
Instead, she'd been stuck in a cycle of reliving Felix's conversations with Janet and deleting his calls and texts.
He'd made his position crystal clear so why couldn’t he just leave her alone to lick her wounds?
Picking up a mug, she watched as it slipped from her fingers to the floor and shattered against the tiles. She couldn’t do anything right. She couldn’t keep a relationship and she couldn’t even make a coffee.
'Merri, love, come through to the kitchen for a moment please?'
Elsie's voice tore her from her thoughts and Merri turned to face her. 'I need to make coffee.'
'No, you need to come into the kitchen for a minute. Brooke will make the coffee.' Holding her hand out, Elsie waited until Merri had stood up again before guiding her gently into the kitchen. 'Sit down, love, and I'll get you a drink.'
Standing in the middle of the room, Merri looked at her feet. 'I’m sorry. I know I've been useless today, I just...'
'Come on, love. Sit down.' Wrapping her arm around her shoulders, Elsie led her to a stool and waited until she'd sat down before making a coffee. 'Here you go. get that down you.'
'Thanks.' Mumbling, Merri pulled the hot mug towards her and wrapped her hands around it, the skin warming quickly against the heat from the ceramic.
'Now, I know you told me earlier that you overheard Felix telling someone else that he was leaving his job at the farm and going home, but are you absolutely certain that's what you heard? Are you sure you've not got muddled up?'
'I heard him say it. he said he had nothing to stay here for.' She shrugged. She'd said all this. She'd spoken to Elsie, to Brooke, to Tilly. She’d told them all exactly what she'd heard.
'Umm, it's just, well, Felix has always seemed such a lovely lad, I don’t think he'd intentionally hurt you. there must be a reason. perhaps he was talking about something else?'
She shook her head. 'He wasn’t. He was referring to our relationship. Or what I thought had been a relationship.'
'Oh, love, if that's the case then I'm really sorry. I’m sorry you had to hear it that way.' Elsie placed her hand on her forearm.
Merri felt new tears sting the backs of her eyes.
This was supposed to eb a happy day. It was the day of the lantern parade.
The bakery had been having all day, full of people coming to decorate their upper lanterns and coming to see Santa too.
Ian had played the role perfectly and standing from her position behind the coffee and cake counter all she'd heard all day was shrieks of laughter and excited chatter from both parents and children.
Any other time she'd have loved this. She'd have loved seeing how happy Christmas made people. She'd have felt happy.
But Felix had gone and ruined it all. He'd dumped her in the most painful way and instead of realising she'd overheard. instead of listening when she'd told him last night that she'd overheard, he just kept ringing and messaging.
She just needed to be left alone to grieve the sudden end to one of the best relationships she'd ever had. no, the best relationship she'd ever had. or what she'd thought had been the best anyway.
'I don’t think I'm going to stay working at the farm.
I can't go back now, I know I can't face seeing him.
I just can't do it.' Merri took a yellow handkerchief Elsie held out towards her and wiped her cheeks.
She'd made her mind up, She felt awful for leaving Nick without a teacher and for letting the people who had booked on her sessions down, but what else could she do?
'You'll still take the job in the new year though, won't you, love?'
'I don’t think I can.' She shook her head. 'I can't let nick down and expect him to still take me on next year. I think I just need to walk away from it.'
'But you had plans to relocate here. you can't let go of your dreams.' Elsie spoke softly. 'Just think on it. Give it a few days before you make any decisions.'
Merri sighed. She wasn’t going to lie to Elsie. She couldn’t promise her something she knew she wouldn’t do. She’d made up her mind and she knew she wasn’t about to change it. She knew she couldn’t change it.
'Why don’t you go on upstairs and take a nap? I'll wake you before the lantern parade and you can decide if you want to come to that.'
'I don’t. I'm sorry, but I'll only spoil it for everyone. I think I just need to sleep.' Merri lifted her mug and took a large gulp of bitter coffee.
'Oh, love, you won't spoil it for anyone. We'd love to have you there.'
'No. thank you but I just can't face it.' Standing up, Merri sighed. 'I really am sorry about everything. About today and not doing much work, about being miserable.'
Elsie stood up too and walked across to Merri before enveloping her in a hug. 'You have nothing to apologise for, love. Go on up to bed and try to get some sleep.'
'Thanks.' Mumbling, Merri pulled her mobile from her pocket and placed it at the back of the work surface. She needed a break from avoiding the calls and messages. Despite everything she wasn’t ready to just block him, but she wasn’t ready to speak to him either.
OPENING HER EYES, MERRI sat up and stared into the darkness. The bakery was empty. everyone would surely be at the lantern parade by now so why had she woken so suddenly?
That's why. There was a tapping on the glass of her window. Again and again. She frowned. Was it hailing? She hoped not. hail would ruin all the paper lanterns people had made.
Throwing herself back down on the pillows, she closed her eyes again. her head felt muggy with sleep so maybe she was just imagining it?
Nope, there it was again. A light tapping. Something was definitely hitting the glass of her bedroom window. she rubbed her eyes and forced herself to get out of bed. She see what it was and then go back to sleep.
After crossing the room to the window, she drew back the curtains and blinked against the warm white lights of the Christmas lights from outside. As she stood there, she watched as a cluster of tiny stones hit the window, each one clattering against the glass. What on earth?
Pulling open the window, the noise from the lantern parade in full swing reached her, the tune from the brass band, the sound of hundreds of voices singing Away in a Manger at full volume.
She closed her eyes. She'd always loved that carol.
She'd sung it in her primary school choir and somehow it had always made her feel closer to her mum.
'Merri!'
Opening her eyes, she looked down and gasped. It was Felix. He was standing in the middle of the road, his hands cupping his mouth as he called her name. As a bundle of emotions - loss, sadness, anger - flooded through her, she went to close the window, pausing as he shouted up again.
'Please, Merri. just give me five minutes. Five minutes of your time. that's all.'
She narrowed her eyes into the dim street. She could make out his figure, but not the expression on his face. 'And you'll stop calling me? texting me?'
'Yes. I promise.'
'Fine. Go on, say what you need to.' She crossed her arms.
'Can't you let me in?' Felix shouted again.
'No. You can tell me what you what from there.' She couldn’t let him in. She just couldn’t.
'Okay. Look, Merri, I know what you heard. I know you overheard me telling Janet that I was leaving the farm. I know you overheard me telling her I didn’t have any reason to stay.' Felix paused. 'Can you hear me okay?'
'I can hear you.' She shouted back down to him before leaning against the windowsill. She didn’t want to hear those words again. She didn’t want to hear him saying he didn’t have a reason to stay. She'd already heard them.
'It was because...' his voice was drowned out as the brass band reached a crescendo.
'What?' She frowned. Did it matter anyway? Was there really anything he could tell her which would make up for what he'd said?
'It was because...' Once again, the brass band drowned out his voice.
She rolled her eyes. This was daft. She didn’t want to stand here int he cold breeze all night whilst he tried to shout above the noise outside.
She’d have to go down and let him tell her face to face.
At least then she could tell him to leave, and she could go back to hiding beneath the duvet cover.
Pushing herself away from the windowsill, she walked slowly downstairs and through the dark bakery to the front door. After pulling it open, she stood in the doorway watching him as he shouted up towards the window again. he hadn’t realised she'd moved.
'I said it was because I hadn’t heard your voicemail. I didn’t know Nick had given you job. I didn’t know you were staying.' Stepping back a little further, he craned his neck up again, searching the window above. 'Did you hear me that time?'
'I heard you.' As soon as she'd spoken, Felix turned his attention from the window to her and hurried forward, pausing a few steps away.
'I hadn’t heard your voicemail. Nick hadn’t mentioned he was offering you a job and I thought I might as well go home rather than staying on at the farm amongst all the things which now reminded me of you.
' He took a tentative step closer. 'I hadn’t mentioned my intentions to Nick when I was speaking to Janet.
If I had, I'm sure he would have told me about the job offer. '
'You hadn’t heard my voicemail.' She frowned. was he telling the truth? 'But you had your phone on you. You'd sent me a text message to cancel meeting up.'
'I know. I messed up, I missed it. I didn’t see your voicemail before I sent the message. I didn’t see your voicemail until you'd gone.' He ran his fingers through his hair.
'You really didn’t. You didn’t mean what you said about not having anything to stay for?' She swiped at the tears cascading down her cheeks.
'I didn’t know you were staying. I didn’t think they'd be any difference if I moved back home as I thought you were too.
In fact, we'd have been closer to each other.
I always wanted a relationship with you, Merri.
I'd assumed it would be long distance, to begin with anyway, but whatever happened I always wanted one with you.
I always want to be with you. I love you, Merri.
' His voice cracked as his ran his hand across his face.
'You do?' Had he really said that?
'I do. I really do. I love you and I want to spend every moment I can with you.' He took another step forward.
Leaving the relative warmth of the bakery, Merri ran barefoot across the cobbles and into his open arms. As she felt his arms envelope her, she looked up into his eyes. 'I love you too, Felix.'
'I'm so sorry I made you feel this way.' Tucking her hair behind her ears, he hooked his forefinger beneath her chin and tilted er face gently to him before lowering his lips to hers.
As they kissed, Merri felt the first flakes of snow drift down and land on her skin and with the brass band and the entire bay singing in the distance, she couldn’t think of a more perfect place to exchange their first 'I love yous'.