Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
‘The first thing I want to say is that I love you, Heather. And I’m sorry that I went away and left you without much of an explanation.
I’m sorry I left you with my family. I know Mum can be difficult,’ Matty began, taking Heather’s hand.
‘But I wasn’t lying. I did get called away unexpectedly for work. ’
‘At the charity?’ Heather closed her eyes for a moment, letting the feeling of Matty’s skin on hers calm her.
She’d always been able to feel energy from other people, and see auras: part of why she loved Matty was his calming, grounded vibe.
His aura was usually green or blue. She’d thought that being with Matty would give her the same kind of secure love as she felt with her family, but, lately, it hadn’t.
‘No. This is the part I knew you wouldn’t like.
I help Dad out with some legal work sometimes, and he asked me to look at some aspects of the acquisition of the land for this golf course.
I know, I know.’ He held up his hands as if in self-defence.
‘I know that you disapprove of the golf course. I do too. But I can’t stop it happening.
I don’t have any say in Dad’s businesses.
All I can do is help him out legally so that he doesn’t get in hot water for some of this stuff.
Unfortunately, he and Mum have a history of consulting less-than-tip-top advisers for their affairs. ’
‘Oh.’ Heather waited for Matty to continue.
‘Yeah. But, quite honestly, I’m not a financial advisor, so there’s only a certain amount of help I can be with that.’ Matty frowned. ‘My brothers are supposed to look after the family finances, and I can’t say they’re doing a fantastic job.’
‘Maybe they’ve spent too much time skiing.’ Heather couldn’t resist a little joke at Gerald and Estella’s expense.
‘You laugh, but I think that’s exactly what happened.
We used to take care of everything in the family.
But I know that Gerald and Charles outsourced some of their financial management a while back.
’ Matty shrugged. ‘They got carried away with being celebrities. Being on the scene. Parties. Who knows who, blah blah blah.’ He stuck out his tongue.
‘You know I hate all that, right? I’ve never wanted to be involved in the Campbell family media bandwagon. ’
‘I know. And it helps to know that you were actually needed urgently for work; I was convinced it was just an excuse. But you could have communicated better. You were so distant,’ Heather said, as gently as she could.
‘I know. That’s what I’m ashamed of, baby.
’ Matty looked at his hands. ‘Yes, I had to work. And I was concerned about what you’d think about the golf course.
I know it’s an environmental nightmare. If I told you about that, I would have had to tell you about my family.
I know it’s stupid; you were going to find out, but…
I just couldn’t think how to tell you. I was so afraid that you’d hate me. ’
Heather was so relieved that they were finally having an honest conversation.
That was the behaviour of a secure love: being able to be honest and open with each other, without anyone flying off the handle.
People made mistakes. That was just human.
In a secure relationship, people discussed things, shared their feelings and reaffirmed their love.
‘I don’t hate you, darling. I love you,’ she said softly.
‘I know that you do. I… I sometimes don’t feel that I deserve it.
’ Matty shook his head. ‘You’re such a pure, loving soul, Heather.
I just… I felt terrible about having kept my family secret from you, and then I freaked out about marrying you.
I got nervous. I thought you didn’t want me any more.
I love you so damn much, I guess… I guess I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. ’
‘What in the world would make you think I wouldn’t want you?’ Heather cried out, half in exasperation and half in relief. She was so happy to hear Matty say that he loved her.
‘Because. Because I wasn’t truthful with you. Because I freaked out and ran away, into my shell. It doesn’t feel very grown-up.’ He sighed. ‘You’re so at one with your emotions. I am… less so.’ He gave her an awkward smile.
‘Why do you think that is?’ Heather asked, gently.
‘Are you therapizing me?’ He shot her a wry grin.
‘Ha. No, but I do think everyone should see a therapist, regardless of whether they think they need to. Mum’s started seeing one and it’s been amazing for her.
I was thinking of starting to see one, too.
Not because I have any major trauma, but I believe in healing.
I’ve done a lot of body-focused healing, but I haven’t tried a talking therapy. ’
‘That’s great that your mum’s feeling the benefits of it.
I…’ He sighed, and hung his head again. Heather thought the posture was reminiscent of shame, and her heart hurt at the thought that Matty would ever be ashamed of himself.
‘I’ve actually been seeing a therapist for about a year.
Again, I didn’t tell you. In case you thought I was… you know. Mad.’
‘Oh, sweetheart.’ Heather exhaled. ‘Listen. I’m delighted that you are seeing a therapist. But why didn’t you mention it? It’s not a bad thing. It’s a positive thing.’
‘Oh, god. I know. Now that we’re sitting here talking about it, of course you’re going to be great about it. But I just had this fear… I thought you’d run a mile if…’ He broke off.
‘If what?’
‘If you found out who I really am,’ Matty said, with some effort.
‘And who are you?’ Heather asked, holding his hand.
‘Are you someone so different from the person I met halfway up a mountain? Are you a different person from the man who talked to me so passionately about biodiversity and protecting the environment? Are you not the same man who, when he holds me, makes me feel protected and safe from all the terrible things in the world?’ She looked into his eyes, pouring all the love from her heart into his. ‘Are you that man?’
‘Yes,’ he breathed. ‘I am. But I’m also the man that’s scared stiff of losing you.
Because you’re such a free spirit, and I’m the lawyer son of a noble family whose morals are…
maybe not quite as wholesome as yours. And I’m the boy who went to boarding school and…
it was hard. I was separated from my parents too young.
I’m close to Mum now, but I’ve still been having to do a lot to work through all the resentment.
I missed her so much.’ He paused for a moment, gathering what he wanted to say. Heather waited patiently.
‘Your family seem so close. So loving. Everything you’ve told me about them and your childhood.
It’s just so… idyllic.’ He gazed at Heather lovingly.
‘We always had money. I never suffered in that way. I had anything I wanted, and more. But I’m not close with my brothers or my dad.
Annie’s great, but she’s always gone her own way, and now I hardly see her. ’
‘Matty, I do love you. I love you for a thousand reasons, not least the fact that you’re being brave enough to have this conversation with me at all,’ she replied.
‘Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. We need to have each other’s backs, all the time.
Otherwise, it doesn’t work. That’s one thing I learned from my mum and dad.
They have each other’s backs, always. That’s how I intend to be. ’
‘You’re lucky that you witnessed that. I didn’t.’ Matty was still holding her hand. She squeezed it.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
‘It’s not your fault. It’s not mine, either, I guess. But I’m nowhere near as good at relationship stuff as you,’ he said. ‘I’m trying. I am. But all of this has shown me that I’ve got a long way to go.’
‘You can learn,’ Heather said, kindly. She so wanted to make everything better for Matty; she wanted to heal his frightened heart. But she knew that she couldn’t do it for him. That was something he had to heal for himself.
‘What if I can’t?’ he asked.
‘You will, if you’re motivated to do it. But you know what? We have to be a team. I can’t be the one always leading and you following behind. I’m here to support you every single day for the rest of our lives, if that’s still what you want, but you have to do the same for me. Okay?’
‘There’s nothing I want more than that.’ He kissed the backs of her hands. ‘Can you forgive me? And have patience, sometimes, when I’m not as emotionally literate as you?’
‘Of course, sweetheart. But you have to talk to me if you feel insecure again. Deal?’
‘Deal.’ He gathered her in his arms and held her tight.
Heather considered showing Matty the mysterious letter she’d received; she considered telling him about the odd secret-seeming meeting she’d observed Elizabeth having.
But Annie had told her to ignore both things, and she and Matty had reached such a fragile accord that she didn’t want to spoil it. So, she stayed quiet.
‘Thank god. I thought I’d lost you, baby. If I did, it would be… I can’t even imagine it. It’s unthinkable.’
‘You didn’t lose me,’ she murmured, looking up into his eyes. ‘Don’t think it.’
‘I won’t,’ he murmured back, and kissed her.
Heather desperately wanted this to be the end of it – surely everything was going to be okay now he was back. They could work out a plan to get Elizabeth on side, together.
‘Was there something else you wanted to tell me, honey?’ she murmured, breaking away from the kiss. She could instinctively feel there was still something Matty wanted to say: something in his aura. But he shook his head.
‘Not for now,’ he murmured. ‘For now, I just want you.’