Chapter 20 #2
‘Um… but you can be flexible, and we could agree at least a couple of days a week where you could look after the children so I could work, or just have a break,’ Heather said. ‘And how many children do you think we’re going to have? One might be fine. Two at the most.’
‘I thought you wanted a big family. You come from a big family. I mean, you’re a twin, to begin with.’
‘Yes, I am a twin. Twins are possible, but if we had twins, we probably wouldn’t want many more children.’
‘We might.’
‘Yes… I suppose we’re both going into this a little blind, because neither of us has had children,’ Heather said, discomfited by the fact they were having this conversation – that Matty didn’t share her vision for the future in the same way – but relieved that they were, at least, talking about it.
‘But I do want to continue working, Matty. I might have to work part time for a while, but I want to have something for me outside of being a wife and mother.’
‘Being a wife and mother is still for you.’ Matty frowned. ‘You’re making it sound like it’s something you don’t even want.’
‘Of course I want it! I’ve wanted my own family since I was a teenager. Maybe before that. I’ve seen my own future, in visions and dreams. I know what it will look like. Raising a family on the island, close to my parents and my sisters, in a lovely big farmhouse, with dogs.’
‘I dunno… I feel like we always spoke about traditional values, families… I thought we agreed on that.’ Matty’s expression was confused.
‘We do agree,’ she argued. ‘But me keeping my job isn’t about traditional values.
Plenty of people fall on the more traditional side of seeing the world, and can still appreciate why it’s important for a woman to work.
I don’t think “traditional values” means “women should be barefoot and pregnant”.
To me it means that I value a close family, raising children with kindness and community and love, that I believe in supporting the people who need it, that we should both be focused on creating stability and a loving home for each other. How we achieve that is up to us.’
‘Okay. I agree with that, but I guess I’d just assumed you would stop working.’
‘I think maybe what you haven’t thought about is that I have to think about my independence, if the worst happens and we split up.
If I haven’t worked for years, how am I supposed to support myself and the children?
And, anyway, I love my job. I love the charity.
I don’t want to stop doing that,’ Heather added.
‘You’re thinking about how you’re going to support yourself and the children if we split up? We haven’t even got married yet!’ Matty shot her a quizzical look. ‘How can you say that?’
‘I can say that because around forty per cent of marriages end in divorce,’ Heather said, calmly.
‘Don’t raise your voice to me. It’s a fact.
I’m being sensible. I was just having a conversation the other day with Blossom all about the fact that Tom isn’t supporting her with the kids, and that she feels alone. I don’t want that to happen to me.’
‘How can you automatically assume that I wouldn’t support you? Of course, if something went wrong between us, you’d be looked after.’ Matty stood up and started pacing around the room. ‘I believe in us, Heather. We can weather any storm that life chooses to throw at us.’
‘I know. I think the world of you, darling. But Matty, neither of us know what’s going to happen in the future, and you might feel differently if we break up.
You might decide you’re not going to support me, or us, or you’re going to make it difficult.
I have to be at least a little prepared for that. ’
‘It’s very unromantic to be talking about this. I thought you were all about romance and flowers, true love and all that stuff.’ Matty chuckled, taking her hand.
‘I am. But I’m not stupid.’ Heather looked at their interlinked hands, wondering if he would ever understand.
Matty didn’t have to worry about his financial security.
He never would have to worry about it. But if at some point she became a single mother and she’d relied on him for everything before then, what would she have?
‘I know you’re not. I guess this is all just coming a bit out of the blue.’ Matty sighed and rubbed his eyes. ‘I’m really tired, honey. Maybe we should just pick this up another time when we aren’t exhausted.’
‘Okay… but we are getting married in four days. We don’t have the luxury of time.’ Heather kissed the back of his hand.
‘Yes, I know that. But I still want to marry you. The rest, we can sort out along the way. Can’t we?’ He gazed into her eyes. ‘I know that I love you, Heather. I know that you love me. Isn’t that all that really matters, at the end of the day?’
‘Yes. You know that I think that too.’ Heather sighed. ‘Why don’t we just elope? We could be handfasted, just the two of us. I’ve always thought it would be romantic. Somewhere like Duntulm Castle.’
‘What’s that?’
Heather thought about Dorothea making the Lover’s Leap and eloping with her true love, like the story. Now I know why people do that, she thought. Eloping would be a lot less hassle than the huge wedding that loomed ahead of her.
She’d dreamed of the perfect white wedding all of her life. Now that it was here, it was less perfect than she’d imagined.
‘It’s a ruined castle on the coast. It’s a sheer drop on one side, down to the sea, on top of a cliff. It’s really beautiful. Wild and quiet, with just the sound of the waves and the birds for company.’
‘Heather, I’m worried that the stress of the last week has affected you more than I realised.’ Matty gazed concernedly into her eyes. ‘We have a whole wedding planned, baby. In four days from now. Can we focus on the reality of that, please?’
‘The reality of the wedding is that it’s stressful as hell!
’ Heather said. ‘How can we get married when your mother seems to hate the idea? How are we going to have a family when we both have such different ideas about what that’s going to look like?
I don’t know, Matty. Everything seems to be falling to bits.
’ She’d been trying so hard to keep positive about everything, but Heather felt discouraged.
She pulled away from him, wrapping her arms around herself instead in a protective gesture.