That terrible, beautiful feeling #3
Looking at her is the proof Colt is gone. That the people I love get hurt. Proof that maybe I should’ve left Maplewood the second I arrived.
The thought lands hard enough that the words escape before I can stop them.
“I shouldn’t have gone after her.”
Remi's head lifts. “What?”
“That night.” The shame tastes bitter. “If I'd not gone to find Stacey—”
“Penny.”
I shake my head and force myself to keep going. “If I hadn't been at the tower—”
“Don’t.”
My voice trembles. “You lost your husband.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“I’m so sorry, Rem—”
“I lost my husband.” The words come out rougher as she repeats them, and her gaze drops briefly to the table. “And I’d give anything to have him back.”
The grief in her voice is so raw it makes my chest ache, then she looks at me again.
“But stop doing this.”
I stare at her. “Doing what?”
“Making yourself responsible for everything. You’re not some evil villain.”
“Someone has to be.”
Her head shakes, and a dark shadow crosses it. “It's not you.”
My mouth opens to reply, but Remi sighs. “He was a firefighter, Penny.”
“He died because—”
“He died saving people.”
“But if I—”
“No.” For the first time, there's something fierce in her voice and my eyes meet hers. “You don't get to carry this, okay?”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I swipe it away immediately, ashamed that I’m sitting in front of a widow who’s keeping it together better than I am.
“You should hate me.”
Remi just stares at me, tired and heartbroken. “Why?”
“Because look what happened.” A wet, shaky laugh bubbles up, and I look down. “I’m the thing that caused this.”
For a long moment she doesn't speak, and then she reaches across the table and takes my hand. Her grip feels warmer than before.
“Penny.”
My eyes lift.
“You weren't just some thing that happened to Colt.” The tears well up faster this time as she nods sadly, her eyes locked on mine. “You were one of the best things.”
God.
I press my lips together and try to tug my hand away, but she keeps holding on.
“He loved you.”
A sob catches painfully in my throat.
“Because of the way you love his best friend. Because of how much he knew Evan loves you, too.” Her voice wavers. “And because of how much you love Elle.”
I squeeze my eyes shut.
“He was so happy you were here.”
The kitchen blurs. Everything blurs.
And I want to believe her. I want to believe her so badly. But even breathing hurts, and I don’t want to be the person that Remi has to comfort while she’s grieving the loss of her husband.
So I stand up. “I should go.”
Remi rises too, and follows me slowly. I make it all the way to the front door before her voice stops me.
“Penny.”
I turn, and my eyes meet hers. God, she looks exhausted. Devastated. As though grief is holding her together with fraying string.
“I lost my husband,” she says again, and my chest tightens at her words. “Don't let me lose you, too.”
For a moment I’m locked in place, staring at her as the tears build hot behind my eyes.
“Remi…”
She shakes her head. “I mean it.”
I swallow the burn down my throat. “I don't know what to say.”
For the first time since I arrived, something cracks across her face. She steps forward and holds me by the shoulders.
“Neither do I… But I’m still here.” Her voice wavers as she looks me in the eye. “And so are you.”
I think about stepping forward and letting her pull me into a hug, but instead I briefly kiss her cheek, then turn. Because if I stay another minute, I'm going to fall apart.
My hand tightens around the door handle as I turn back to look at her.
“I love you.”
The words come out cracked, and Remi’s mouth trembles as she closes her eyes briefly.
“Yeah.” She swallows. “Love you, too.”
Love.
It somehow feels worse than being hated, and the word follows me all the way back to the car.
I sit back behind the wheel for a long time before I start the engine. And when I do, more of Remi’s words follow me all the way down the street as I drive away from her house.
Don’t let me lose you, too.
I’m still here. And so are you.
I think about Evan asleep in bed with one arm stretched across to my side of the mattress. About the way he reaches for me even when he's unconscious. About Elle arguing with her shoes this morning, and the way she slips her hand into mine without thinking.
About all the people in this town who keep choosing me. Keep loving me.
Before I can overthink it, I pull out my phone at a stop light and start typing.
Me: Needed some time away. I’m okay.
My thumb hovers over the screen, trying to sum up all my feelings for this life we’ve built. But how do I sum up the joy of penguin pancakes and bedtime stories? Or Evan pulling me into his arms in the kitchen before he's even properly awake?
I swallow, then type out another text.
Me: I love you.
The words blur slightly on the screen as they stare back at me, and I hesitate. Not because they aren't true—because they are. I know it, he knows it. I’ve just never said them.
Saying them out loud makes all of this real, and makes this something I could lose. That terrible, beautiful feeling.
I stare at the message for another second.
You’re brave too, Penny.
Then I hit send.