27. Chapter 27 #2
“What?” I gasped again. “Is Peiro okay?” I looked around frantically, suddenly aware he wasn’t in the tent, and worked to swing my legs over the edge of the bed to find him. “Where is he?”
Ora quickly pushed me back onto the bed with soft force. “He’ll be fine. I’m worried about you right now.”
“I’m fine,” I clipped.
“You’re not fine, Phe. You know you can tell me what you’re going through, right? I’m here for you.”
She won’t truly understand you. How could she? She’s been revered since the day she was born. The shining star of your line. What does she know about the darkness and shadows?
“Where is he?” I clipped again.
“He needs space,” Ora said sternly, not backing down. “We need to make sure you—”
“Why does he need space?”
Ora took another steadying breath. “Because you commanded him to kill them. And he tried.”
“What? I never commanded him to do anything…” I fought through the haze and remembered seeing Fernwick devastated and overrun by our enemy, and the whirlwind of emotions that coursed through me upon seeing the poison of Dokvalon.
But I struggled to remember anything after seeing so much destruction.
“You sent him to kill the Raiders, but…that wasn’t all. If Sury hadn’t been there to witness it and come get me, I wouldn’t have been able to stop you in time.”
“No.” Confusion laced my voice. “I would never ask anyone to attack innocent people.”
“Luckily,” Ora continued, “no one died before we got to Heal them.”
“No,” I said again, more so to convince myself that none of this was real.
Accept who you are, girl. They only want to shame you because they fear you. You have a power they cannot control, so they want to control you instead.
Like a levee breaking, more memories flooded my mind.
The wicked smile on my face burned in my memories as I enjoyed taking the lifesources that glowed around me.
Fed into me. Fueled me. Powered me. Silver eyes stared deeply into mine, but they were cold and harsh and calculating.
My lips moved as a voice commanded Peiro’s body to take the lives of those around us.
I hadn’t realized tears were falling from my eyes until Ora dabbed them away with a cloth.
My fingers looked foreign the deeper I stared at them.
How could I do something so reckless? How could I do this to him?
How did I do it—control the Ancient One?
Wave after wave of guilt crashed into me, threatening to pull me under.
I couldn’t breathe as unseen hands threatened to grip my throat.
“Hey…breathe,” Ora whispered beside me, like she was coaxing an animal from its hiding spot.
Was my notion to help misguided? Why would I pull from the illicitus knowing the harm it could bring? Was I losing more control?
I needed to make it stop before I hurt anyone…or hurt Peiro, again.
“Where is he?” I gasped through short breaths. Ora jumped from her seat and sprinted out of the tent.
Why did she leave? Does she hate me? Fear clutched me with its icy fingers, pulling me under to its frozen depths.
Because she knows you can be great and should be feared. You are the power that threatens hers, because she could never achieve it.
But I never meant to hurt anyone! I cried back to the voice.
My thoughts swirled as shame crept higher within my chest and squeezed my heart so tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I cried over and over, my body rocking back and forth. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered as tears cascaded down my face like an untamed river.
My chest was hollow. How could I even have a heart with what I had done? And to the people?
How could I hurt him? The one who saw me for who I was, despite the power? Who saw the woman I truly was and loved her? Would he hate me?
Do you even love him, since you did something you claim is reckless?
So callous. You unleashed the very thing you swore you wouldn’t use unless you had no other choice.
There were other choices, girl, yet you used him like a puppet—just like everyone else.
Are you any different from them? He despises that kingdom, so it’s only fair he would despise you.
The thought of losing him brought a fresh wave of tears. Thoughts of losing his touch, his words, his love made me spiral out of control. Grief was waiting to catch me and never let go. Black spots clouded my vision the harder I fought to breathe.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was hoarse in the air. My throat tightened to the point I could no longer breathe. I heard a faint shuffle before something encased my whole body. The wall was warm and grounding, but the tightness threatened to swallow me whole the less the air flowed.
“Ophelia,” the rough voice whispered next to my ear, “I need you to breathe. We can’t fight this together if you’re not with me, and I promise you I will fight Thuvina herself for taking you from me too early.”
I tried and failed, my chest clenching tighter.
“Look at me,” the man whispered. My gaze instantly found deep gray eyes. “That’s my girl. Now tell me what you see.”
I thought it was an odd request; couldn’t he see that I was suffocating in my guilt? My grief? My shame? But I obeyed as I scanned my surroundings. “Tent,” I said through a labored breath.
“Good. That’s good. Now what do you feel?”
My fingers gripped the blanket tightly with white knuckles. “Wool.”
“You’re doing good. Tell me what you hear.” Instinct told me to lean forward until the side of my head met his chest. It was so easy to find the faint lum-thump of his heart. The sound calmed me as I drew in a ragged breath. “Good. That’s it.” Deft fingers stroked my hair to bring me calm.
We sat like this for a pause, letting my breathing follow Peiro’s. The tears on my cheeks had dried and left salt in their wake. I didn’t have the bravery to pull back to face him. Not after all that I’d done.
“Do you hate me?” I didn’t know where I found the courage to ask, but knew it was better to rip off the bandage than to let the unknown fester.
“How could I?” Peiro whispered as he stroked my hair.
“How could I?” I repeated and pulled back to give him an incredulous look.
His hair was wildly untamed, with heavy strands in his face.
Splatters of mud and blood, and what I hoped to the giants weren’t entrails, covered his clothing.
His face appeared hastily wiped with remnants of ash and blood still on his features.
“After all I’ve done? Look at you. I’m no different than—”
His finger pushed against my lips to silence me.
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” he growled.
The dull gray of his eyes pierced my very soul the deeper they looked.
One of his large hands found mine and gripped tightly as the other wrapped around the back of my neck to pull me in close.
Our foreheads touched as he said, “You are nothing like them.”
“How could you be so sure? How am I any different from the pain I’ve caused…?”
Peiro inhaled deeply before he spoke. “Because your heart is different. The very soul within you is the purest thing I’ve had the honor of witnessing in all the years I’ve roamed these lands.”
“But—”
“My moon, answer me this. Did you intend to wield me in such a way?”
“No,” I said without hesitation as I shook my head. “We’ve been practicing to prepare us—with your consent…but I never in a million years would make you hurt those who didn’t deserve it. To hurt innocents… I don’t even know how I did—”
“There is your answer, Naa’n le’ya. That is how you are different. My heart is in your hands, and you keep that in your thoughts. That’s how I know you would not truly intend to use this curse to harm me or others who are blameless.”
Through tearstained eyes, I made the decision. “I don’t want to use the Ancient One. We’ll find another way to overcome Dokvalon, but I can’t risk hurting you or losing your soul because of my actions.”
Peiro shifted back just enough to place a tender kiss on my temple.
I leaned into the comfort of his grace. “If there’s another way, we’ll take it.
But until then, we keep to our plan. You’ll figure this out because you have all of us to draw on for strength.
” His patience warmed my heart, thawing the icy clutches of guilt.
“If Ora hadn’t gotten there when she did…”
“It’s time you told her that your control is slipping. If this power is consuming you, she and the others have every right to know, so everyone can be prepared in all things.”
I nodded in agreement. It was the truth.
But how could I tell her? I had always been the one to provide her guidance and support.
How could I admit that this was another thing that I was failing?
Even with all of this power in my hands, I still felt like the little girl who had been told she would amount to nothing.
How could I climb through this pit of despair?
“I’m afraid she’ll be scared of me if I tell her the truth.”
“Why would she?”
I couldn’t answer, because no matter how many times I asked myself this question, I didn’t know the answer, but I felt it.
I leaned into Peiro’s chest and let his scent of bergamot and mahogany soothe me until exhaustion took its hold once again. “Soon. I’ll figure out how to tell her soon.”