9. Theo
Theo
My oceanside deck was textbook Zen, complete with a spectacular late-October view, a salty sea breeze, and my jazz playlist, which hummed over the outdoor speakers.
But for the first time since I’d bought this house four years ago, I hadn’t been able to enjoy it.
The serene setting and the expensive whiskey I’d been downing for the past hour hadn’t made a dent in my craptastic mood.
I’d liked Liv, goddamn it. I still did. And now everything was fucked.
I picked up my cell. Put it down. Picked it up again.
I wouldn’t call her. It was stupid, pointless. The ball was in her court. Either she was willing to talk to her grandmother about the DNA test, or she wasn’t. And if she wasn’t, then she was as culpable as the rest of them.
Still, the need to see her again tugged at me like the tide. I was off-center, unbalanced. The whole scenario had me reeling.
I should apologize. It wasn’t Liv’s fault she wanted to protect her grandmother.
She was only a few years younger than my Grandma Susi, who’d be ninety-seven this August. Besides, it had been shitty of me to dump my sordid family story and take off without saying goodbye.
I’d barely given Liv a chance to react before I’d leveled her with an ultimatum.
It wasn’t like me. Dave Perez, the co-partner in my venture capital firm, often pondered whether ice water coursed through my veins instead of blood. And yet I’d thrown a tantrum like a three-year-old.
Picking up my phone again, I scrolled through my contacts until I got to Liv’s name. We’d exchanged numbers last night, but that had been before everything went to shit. Would she even take my call?
Aggravated, I set down my drink and glanced out toward the ocean, over which the moon shone, full and bright. And then I shot to my feet.
At the edge of the waves stood a little girl in a white dress, her blond curls gleaming in the moonlight. As I watched, she took one step into the water, then another.
Holy shit.
“Hey!” I yelled, charging toward the gate that led to the beach. “Stop!”
She didn’t. But she didn’t do anything else, either.
Because she was gone.
I rubbed my eyes, blinked, looked again. Nope. No little girl. Just me, shouting into the void and annoying the hell out of my neighbors.
An icy spike of fear twisted through me.
It wasn’t like she could’ve slipped under the waves. The water had only been up to her ankles. And I’d been looking at her the whole time. I’d never taken my eyes off her.
Jesus Christ. Now I was hallucinating, on top of everything else.
It was a trick of the moonlight, I admonished myself. Courtesy of Sir Jameson. You’ve got Lily’s disappearance on your mind, that’s all. Quit flipping out.
But that was easier said than done.
Rubbing my temples to dispel an impending headache, I stalked back onto the deck and sank down next to the fire pit. I was staring into the flames, trying to convince myself I wasn’t losing my mind, when Will’s name flashed across my phone’s screen.
On some level, I wasn’t surprised; my big brother had always had an uncanny way of knowing when something was bugging me, even from hundreds of miles away.
He’d raised me when our family had fallen apart, been there for me when no one else would or could.
I would owe him for the rest of my life for that.
I grabbed the phone and took the call.
“Hey, bro,” Will said cheerily. “What’s new in the realm of world domination?”
“Not much.” Trying to keep any hint of my state of mind from my voice, I tilted back my glass to take a sip. “What’s up with you? Anything new?” I white-knuckled the glass, then forced out the words. “Everything OK with Mom?”
In the moment before Will replied, I pictured The Worst. He was the older sibling, the first line of defense for Mom’s binges, rages, and breakdowns.
In return, I paid the rent on her Brooklyn apartment, since she hadn’t worked for as long as I could remember, and it would’ve been impossible for Will to afford on a high school teacher’s salary.
I’d gotten the better end of the deal by far, but Will handled the responsibility with grace, and never complained.
Still, I felt like shit for leaving him holding the bag.
“Mom’s fine. As fine as she gets, anyway. But I do have some news,” Will said, sounding happier than ever. “Abby’s pregnant again. Due in the spring.”
Will’s wife was perfect for him: kind, compassionate, and no-nonsense.
Their two-year-old kid, Caiden, was awesome, and Will, to no one’s surprise, was a fantastic dad.
Raising me, he’d gotten a lot of practice.
When our father had gone AWOL, leaving Mom broke and spiraling into drunken depression, Will could’ve turned his back on me.
But he hadn’t. He’d stepped up, in every sense of the word.
At least one of us had figured out how to build a healthy family. I’d settled for making enough money that I never needed to scrounge for change to buy a Big Mac again.
I took a swallow of whiskey, wincing as it burned my throat and settled, warm, in my stomach. “That’s great, man. Big congrats.”
“Yeah, you’ll be an uncle again. Keep you busy when you come back up north, since you’re in no hurry to have rugrats of your own.”
“I’d need a wife first,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Or at least someone auditioning for the position.”
Will gave a throaty chuckle. “You’d need to want to have a wife first, bro. I’ve seen the way women line up for you. Even Abby says you’re hot.”
“Seriously? Don’t the two of you have better things to talk about?”
I poured another tumbler of whiskey and knocked it back, ignoring the specter of our mother that loomed every time I drank to excess.
As a kid, I’d stand in the doorway of her darkened room, the cloying scent of wine wafting toward me and the maw of her depression sucking at me, inviting me to join her.
Sometimes the draw was almost too enticing to resist, but I’d think of Will.
How much he cared about me, how devastated he’d be if I gave in.
And so I always did my best, even when it meant plastering a game face on top of Munch’s primal scream.
I wasn’t like her. I wouldn’t be, goddammit. But I had no intention of inflicting myself on a romantic partner, long-term. Unlike Will, I was no one’s idea of a prize.
Will’s voice dropped, his teasing tone taking on a hint of tenderness. The voice of the big brother who’d always been able to see right through me. “Don’t worry, Theo. One day you’ll meet the right woman and it’ll all fall into place.”
“Thanks, but I doubt it.” I took another swallow, remembering Liv sliding naked out of bed this morning, looking down at me with eyes the hue of the water that lapped the shore.
Sitting at her kitchen table, clutching her coffee like a lifeline and staring at me, appalled. “Some things aren’t meant to be.”
The whiskey seared my veins, a small flame against the night, as I gazed out at the moonlight sparkling on the water.
Here I was, in one of the most gorgeous places I’d ever seen.
I’d achieved far beyond what I’d ever dreamed of—a huge beach house, job security, enough food in my refrigerator.
So why did I still feel so goddamn hollow?
“Hey.” The teasing tone was gone, replaced by Concerned Big Brother Will. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” I dumped another two fingers of whiskey into the tumbler.
“Uh-huh. Sure you are. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Theo. What’s wrong?” He sounded freaked, which made my stomach churn.
This was one of the reasons I’d chosen to spend half the year in North Carolina, splitting my time between working from the beach house and my office in the city. I’d hoped that getting out of New York for the dreary, cloudy winter would stave off my depression and ease Will’s mind. And my own.
Dealing with my anxiety was bad enough. My depression was worse.
Every time I fell down the rabbit hole of myself, I feared I’d never be able to climb out again.
Even the pills I swallowed each morning weren’t always enough to hold the darkness at bay, though I took them religiously.
I’d be damned if I’d end up like our mother; it would break Will’s heart.
He was the one who’d hauled me to a shrink in high school and stayed on me about taking my meds until I could function again.
Caiden’s voice rose in the background, pitched high with excitement: “Daddee Daddee Daddee look what I found!” Abby’s soothing tones followed, saying Daddy was on the phone with Uncle Theo, just give him a few minutes.
For once, their domesticity pierced me with a strange, unfamiliar longing, instead of filling me with claustrophobic dread.
I sipped more whiskey and leaned my head against the back of the chair. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Theo.” Will’s voice was urgent. “Are you okay? Do you need me to come down there?”
Sitting up straight, I pulled myself together. “I’m fine, Will. It’s been a long day and I’ve had a little too much to drink.”
“It’s not even nine o’clock. On a Sunday night. You’re sitting at home drinking by yourself? And you don’t think I should be concerned?”
Will knew me too well. Most Sunday evenings I’d be immersed in work until midnight, surfacing only to cram a half-assed excuse for dinner down my throat. Not sitting on the deck in the dark, half-smashed.
Well, that didn’t matter now. Will had given up enough for me.
Had put off going to college until I graduated from high school, had broken up with girls who didn’t appreciate a little brother who needed too much of his attention.
I’d be damned if he’d sacrifice anything else on my behalf, especially peace of mind.
I sure as shit wasn’t going to tell him about meeting Liv, not until I had anything concrete to report. Now it was my turn to take care of him.
“I’m out on the deck. By the fire pit. It’s like a damn vacation. And even I cut loose every now and then,” I said, affecting my best Playboy Mogul tone. “Shocking, but true. You know what they say about all work and no play.”
“They may say it, Theodore. You never have before. And if cutting loose is what you have in mind, why aren’t you down at that bar of yours, charming the ladies?”
“It’s my night off. And I’m on hiatus from lady-charming.” Given what had transpired with Liv, I was in the mood to take a semi-permanent vacation.
Will gave a skeptical snort. “Uh huh. Anyway, I’m glad you bought that bar. It’s good for you. Beats sitting home alone. Keep that in mind, will you?”
I’d bought Atomic because it had sounded like fun to own a piano bar, a place where I could perform from time to time.
Grandma Susi had taught me to play when I was little, on the old upright in her Brooklyn apartment.
Her lessons had launched me on the path that culminated in my acceptance to a performing arts high school in the city, then on to NYU on a full music scholarship.
Even though I’d gone to business school at Wharton after that, playing the piano had changed my life, and made my grandmother the happiest I’d ever seen her.
Grandma Susi had learned to play from her mother; May had loved music, until losing Lily had driven everything but obsession from her heart.
For God’s sake. Were there no roads that didn’t lead me back to Lily…and Liv?
Caiden howled, begging to talk to Uncle Theo with an urgency that made me grin, despite myself. “Don’t worry about me,” I told Will, forcing cheer into my voice. “Worry about your son. He sounds like he’s about to explode.”
“Caiden’s fine. You, on the other hand… Christ, I know how you are, Theo.
Wanting to deal with everything by yourself, never wanting to dump your problems on anyone else.
And I know why you’re that way.” He paused, the silence that fell between us heavy with our shared history.
“I won’t push you if you don’t want to talk.
But you know I’m here for you, right? It doesn’t matter what it is.
It doesn’t matter when you call. I’ll always come. ”
I gulped the contents of my glass, trying to get rid of the weight that had settled in my chest. My eyes burned.
Will would never understand how much it meant to me to have someone who was in my corner unconditionally. I didn’t need a father when I had him.
“Shit, of course I know that,” I said, voice rough. “I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried.”
“You got that right. Okay, enough of the heavy stuff. Caiden, let go of my arm. You’re going to rip my shirt, little man. Here’s Uncle Theo.”
I spent the next five minutes listening to Caiden tell me about dinosaurs and answering his multitude of questions: How many surfers had I seen at the beach today?
When was I coming home to visit? Would I bring him a present?
He talked up a storm and what I couldn’t understand, Will translated.
By the time we hung up, my mind had cleared.
My brother never bitched about it, but dealing with Mom had to take a toll on him. Then there was Grandma Susi. I paid for her posh assisted living, but if something went wrong, Will was the one they’d call. He had a career. A wife. A son. And now, a new baby on the way.
If I could get to the truth—if I could clear up what had happened all those years ago once and for all—would it fix any part of my family’s dysfunction: the cold war between Grandma Susi and my mom, my mother’s misdirected rage?
Would it take a load off Will’s shoulders?
Could I be the one to help him for once, rather than the other way around?
I’d been a dick, I knew that. Liv would be justified in ghosting me. But I owed it to my brother—to my grandmother—to try.
Besides, I could still taste her. Still feel her. Terrible idea or not, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to do it again.
Bracing myself, I picked up the phone and dialed.