35. Theo
Theo
Two hours later, I sat in a Riverdale park with Will before dinner, watching Caiden go down the slide as I came clean about the whole mess. I thought I’d summed it up with a minimum of drama, but Will still looked like he was going to pass out.
“Dude.” I jabbed him in the ribs. “Say something.”
Will’s hair, like mine, had a bad habit of falling into his eyes. He shoved it back, revealing a shocked expression. “Holy shit.”
“You said a bad word, Daddy.” Caiden paused at the bottom of the slide. “’At’s a bad, bad word. You gotta put a quarter in the jar.”
“You have a swear jar, Will? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” When we were growing up, he’d been the Michelangelo of cursing, honing it to a fine art.
“Pot. Kettle,” my brother retorted.
“Is that all you’ve got to say?”
Will shook his head, still looking stunned. “Normally I’d give you crap about sleeping with a woman without getting her last name, but that’s the least of your problems. Honestly, I—”
His train of thought was derailed by his offspring, who waved a puffy-jacketed arm to get our attention. “Look, Uncle Theo! I’m driving!” Caiden yanked the wheel to the right with so much enthusiasm, it was a wonder it didn’t come loose and roll away.
“He drives like you do.” Will’s lips curved upward. “Looks like you, too.”
Caiden had my dark hair and hazel eyes, even the stubborn set of my chin.
My nephew was as close to a son as I’d probably ever have, and I spoiled him rotten.
I’d picked up a remote-controlled dinosaur for him before I left Wilmington as an early Hanukkah gift, and couldn’t wait to see the kid chasing it all over Will’s apartment.
More than anything, I wanted to be able to give Caiden a future free from the ghosts of our past. What if I couldn’t?
“Seriously, Will, what if we’re wrong about this?
” I said, watching Caiden do his best impression of an Indy 500 driver.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you before. I thought I could fix things, make them easier on you.
But now, Mom’s gonna blab to everyone about meeting Liv, or go off and do something nuts. I didn’t want to lie to you.”
“I appreciate that.” My brother’s voice was dry.
“Are you mad at me?” The moment the words left my mouth, I felt like I was five again.
Will ruffled my hair. “Not mad. Surprised. A little overwhelmed. I understand why you didn’t say anything, Theo. You were trying to protect me, like you always do.”
I heaved a deep breath, relieved. “Except it didn’t work.”
“Hey.” Will laid his hand on my back, his touch warm and sure.
“It’ll be okay. Maybe you’ll learn something important tomorrow from that woman, Diane.
And I’ll help you find out the date that Lily disappeared.
We’ve gotta have a record of it somewhere.
But damn.” He gave a long, low whistle. “You think this could change things? Make it so Grandma Susi and Mom can actually have a decent conversation?”
“You’re such a sentimental shit,” I said, but the truth was, I’d been hoping the same thing. That if we got to the bottom of this, it wouldn’t just right a ninety-year-old wrong. It would heal the rift in our family.
At the core, I was as much of a sentimental bastard as my brother.
“This woman, Liv,” Will said, sounding more like his normal self. “Mom’s crap aside, you like her, don’t you?”
Oh, fuck. Not him, too. I opened my mouth to deliver a flip answer, but Will fixed me with a glare.
“Don’t you dare say something lewd.” He cocked his head toward Caiden—who, I had learned from experience, was always listening.
I shut my mouth with a snap.
“Seriously, Theo.” Will gave my shoulder a shake. “Do you like her?”
“More than I should. She’s brilliant and gorgeous and kind and, also…
” I sank my head into my hands. “I thought all I wanted from her was a good time. But now it’s all gone to hell, and there’s just something about her…
I should probably walk away before I fuck this up even more, but I can’t. Any way you look at it, I’m screwed.”
Will’s hand tightened on my shoulder, the way it had when we’d worried about how we were going to pay the light bill, or have enough money for food, or come up with the bucks for me to take the SAT. “Don’t run from how you feel,” he said, his voice soft. “Not this time.”
I jerked upright, glaring. “I don’t run.”
“Sure you don’t.” He looked me in the eye. “You didn’t abandon your love of the piano to make as much money as you possibly could. You don’t avoid Mom by spending half your time in North Carolina. And you haven’t hid from relationships by sleeping with anyone that breathes, either.”
“The money I’ve made takes care of Grandma Susi and Mom.
And you goddamn know what happens when I spend my winters in a place like this.
” I waved a hand at the frigid park and bare trees.
“What kind of husband could I possibly be, Will? What kind of father?” The idea of screwing a kid up like our parents had done to us filled me with dread.
“One that does his best. That’s all any of us can do.”
“What if my best sucks? I don’t know how you came out of our house as the world’s top husband and greatest dad, but that’s not me, okay? Beyond what I can offer Liv in the sack, I’m not worth her while. I’m not you.”
Will’s hard expression cracked. “You’re right,” he said. “You’re not me. And I wouldn’t want you to be. Under that tough shell of yours, you’ve got a helluva heart, and one day, you’ll have the cojones to let someone see it. Until then, you’re stuck with me as your hype man.”
I hung my head, ashamed. I’d always thought Will saw me through rose-colored glasses; here was the proof.
“Bud,” Will said, his voice gentle, “you wanna know how I do it? I look ahead, not behind. What will you do if that other woman turns out to have been Ella all along? So much of our family history’s built on us being the wronged party, but…
you start thinking you’re the victim all the time and it gets in your head, you know?
” He leaned forward, trying to get a good look at my face.
“What are you gonna do if this was all a misunderstanding?”
“If you’ve got a fucking point, Will, make it.”
“I just want you to have confidence in who you are, right now. Screw the past. I mean, yeah, we should find out the truth if we can. But don’t let that get in the way of being happy with this woman, if you’re really into her.”
He shook my knee. “You pride yourself on not being like Mom. And mostly, you’re not, okay?
You’re not,” he emphasized when I jerked my head up and glared at him.
“But in this case, you’ve gotta see the similarities.
Neither one of you can let this go. It’s got you both by the throat.
And I just…” There was a loaded pause, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded thicker than usual.
“I just don’t want to see it choke you. That’s all. ”
Thirty minutes later, we arrived at Will’s apartment with Japanese food and walked into the Cold War.
Grandma Susi held court in the armchair, our mom sat, stiff-backed, on the edge of the couch, and Abby was trapped in the loveseat between them.
The usual cycle went like this: Mom tried desperately to gain Grandma Susi’s approval; Grandma made a cutting reply; Mom raided the liquor cabinet. And on it went.
As soon as we came through the door, though, Grandma’s dark eyes crinkled with pleasure. “Ach, Theodore. Come here and give your grandmother a hug.”
Ignoring my mother’s sidelong glances at the cupboard where Will kept the whiskey, I bent to hug Grandma Susi, who smelled like she always did: talc and Jean Nate.
Caiden barreled between us, stripping off his jacket and abandoning it on the floor. “Great-Grandma Susi!” he said, trying to clamber into her lap.
I scooped him up before he could do any damage, holding him upside down. The kid had two speeds: a thousand miles an hour and asleep. “Careful with Grandma Susi.”
She smiled at Caiden, her eyes softening the way they only did for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. If she’d been able to look at my mom that way, maybe everything would have been different. “Hello, bubbeleh.”
I carried Caiden, still upside down, over to Abby. “Hey,” I told her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She looked radiant, her pale skin rosy and her shoulder-length dark hair shiny. “Big congrats. You look great, by the way.”
“Thanks,” she said, grimacing. “I’m starving. Please tell me one of those bags Will’s unloading has kamo udon in it, or I won’t be responsible for my actions. This little one’s craving it like crazy.”
“I wouldn’t dream of getting between a pregnant woman and her food. It’s in there.” I set Caiden on the floor, and he dashed into the kitchen after Abby, who’d gone to help Will unpack.
A smile lit Will’s face when she stepped into the room. Somehow, my brother had managed to spin gold out of the shitstorm of our upbringing. He was a fucking alchemist. But no matter what he said, that didn’t mean I could do it, too.
Mom had brought back my jacket, which she thrust in my direction without a word.
I watched her like a proverbial hawk during dinner, but although she didn’t speak to me, she didn’t smash a glass against the wall and launch into a diatribe either.
The longer she went without exploding, the more concerned I became.
There was no way I was going to get out of this so easily.
Afterward, I gave Caiden his present, not bothering to wait for Hanukkah. His joyous shriek—“Daddy, look! A velo-ci-waptor! It’s alive!”—was all the reward I needed.
I took the packaging into the kitchen, where Will was doing the dishes. He turned to me, grinning. “Couldn’t resist, huh? Our downstairs neighbors are gonna love us.”