42. Theo
Theo
“Well,” Liv said, clutching her coat around herself as we stood on the sidewalk outside One Lexington, “that was awkward.”
Understatement of the century. “You think?”
She sighed. “What are we going to do now?”
We, she’d said. Like the two of us were a unit, a team.
I’d never been a we before. It scared the shit out of me.
This was why I didn’t do relationships. I didn’t want to be the person anyone depended on. I had enough problems of my own.
Krista was right. I was exactly the kind of guy who would have revenge sex on a stranger’s rug, knowing good and well said stranger had a kid who could come home at any moment.
I was the furthest thing from a responsible dad-type anyone could imagine.
Last night proved it. Sure, Liv had gone along with the program, but it was all my idea.
“I’m sorry, Liv,” I said, folding my arms across my chest to keep from reaching for her. “We had an agreement to keep this platonic and I ruined everything.”
Her eyes widened. “You didn’t do it by yourself.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t text me so we’d end up screwing on your cousin’s rug. You texted me because of your dream.” The painful, twisting feeling in my chest was back. I’d hoped having sex with her would make it go away, but if anything, it was worse.
I had to make it leave.
“Sure,” she said, looking bewildered, “but you don’t owe me any apologies. I had a great time last night. In fact”—her cheeks flushed—“I was hoping for an encore.”
The way she looked at me from under her eyelashes, the husky tone of her voice…
it made me want the same thing, and badly.
But we couldn’t. She wasn’t some one-night stand or fling.
She was Liv. I couldn’t treat her the way I’d treated all those other women and I didn’t want to.
Which meant I had to stop this, before it went any further.
The hell with what Will had said yesterday in the park. This was for the best.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, forcing the words out around the lump that had somehow sprung up in my throat. “I can’t do this.”
She flinched, as if I’d struck her. “Is this because of what Krista said? Because I don’t care about any of that, Theo. You know I’m committed to finding out what really happened to the girls. And I’m willing to believe the Carters might’ve been wrong about everything.”
At any other point in time, I might’ve cheerfully killed to hear a Carter say those words. But this time, it made no difference. “I told you before, Liv. I don’t date. It’s not my thing, and for good reason. Look what just happened with Claire.”
“You’re just scared.” She reached out, as if to touch me. But when I stepped back, out of reach, she let her hand fall.
“I’m not! I’m trying to do the right thing by you and your daughter, goddamn it. Why can’t you see that?”
“Oh, so you think you know what’s right for us, better than I do? Are you calling me a shitty mother now, Theo?”
“Of course not!” My voice was rising, drawing the attention of passersby.
With an effort, I brought it back under control.
“You wanted me to be honest, Liv? To trust you with the truth? Well, this is it. You’re a brilliant woman and great mom who’s got her act together.
And I’m a train wreck who doesn’t need to take anyone else along for the ride.
You said you want a partner? Well, that’s not me.
I’m good for a one-night stand or two. Not the long haul. ”
“So that’s it.” She glared at me. “No discussion, no interest in my opinion. It’s your way or no way at all.”
Damn it. “I never meant to mislead you! I thought we were on the same page.”
She shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat, maybe to keep from punching me. “So this has nothing to do with what we talked about last night—how you don’t want me to think you’re broken? How you think your depression makes you damaged goods?”
That one hit too close to home, and before I could think better of it, I lashed out. “I’m not a fixer-upper, Liv. There’s no need for you to project-manage my emotional shit, like you do with your parents and your ex.”
Her eyes narrowed, like she was looking right through me. “Everything that just spilled out of your mouth sounds like one excuse after another. You’re frightened of what this thing between us could become, if we let it. And you’re running away.”
Now I wanted to punch something myself. Like the limestone facade of her building.
What was it about this woman that unraveled every inch of my control?
“It doesn’t have anything to do with that.
This is about…look, it’s my fault. I feel like I led you on.
Last night got a little crazy, what with the dreams and that whole weirdness with the piano.
It was an adrenaline rush, and I think we both got carried away. ”
“So you felt nothing. Is that what you’re telling me?” Her voice was granite.
No matter what I did, she wouldn’t quit believing in me—in us. Desperate, I said the worst thing I could think of. “It’s best if we just think of it as fucking.” The words tasted like ashes in my mouth. “Really great fucking, but that’s it. Anything more is a lousy idea.”
“I see.” She eyed me as if I were one evolutionary step above a cockroach. Anxiety reared its ugly head inside me, and I struggled to tamp it down. Didn’t she get that I was trying to save us both from making a horrible mistake?
“But you said we were friends,” I pressed on. “I don’t want to lose that. Plus, we still need to see Diane later, right? I’m not giving up on our search.”
“Sure you’re not.” Her cheeks heated with the flush they always held when she got pissed off. “Because that’s what’s really mattered all along. I’m just a side dish.”
I didn’t understand why she was so angry. We’d both agreed a relationship was off the table. So we’d screwed. So what? Was she expecting a marriage proposal? Her expectations were unreasonable. What did she want from me?
The longer we stood there, the more uncomfortable I got. But I couldn’t just walk away. We were tangled up in the same mess. I needed her, and I hated it.
“You’re mad,” I said finally, stating the obvious.
She looked away from me, across the street to the park, her eyes lingering on the place where Ella had disappeared.
“I should’ve known better than to do what we did last night.
And not because you took advantage of me,” she said, raising a hand to quiet me.
“I wanted it as much as you did. But last night meant something to me. More than ‘just fucking.’” She parroted my words back to me, making me wince.
“It’s not what you want. You’ve made that very clear.
And maybe when I’ve come to my senses, I won’t want that either. But right now, I’m mortified.”
The sick, twisting feeling had spread to my stomach. “Jesus, Liv. I’m sorry.” Again.
She shook her head, still not looking at me. “Don’t apologize. Like I said, you made it clear you weren’t looking for a relationship. And when we met, I wasn’t, either. I thought Gray might’ve put me off dating for life. You were the last thing I expected.”
Were those tears in her eyes? God, they were. And this time, it was my fault.
I wanted to hold her, to wipe her tears away. I wanted to tell her I wished I could be the guy she wanted. But that guy didn’t exist.
She deserved better than me. She deserved everything.
“I didn’t expect you, either,” I said, my voice rough. “Maybe if I was a different person—or if things were different—”
“Don’t.” She raised her head, setting her jaw. “There’s no point dwelling on this. It’ll make things worse for us both. Let’s focus on why we came to New York. I’m going to go grab some breakfast. I’ll see you at three, to meet Diane.”
All the warmth had bled out of her tone, leaving it empty and cold.
I told myself this was what I deserved. That wanting her to say my name the way she had last night, like I was her personal hero, was selfish, macho bullshit.
If I couldn’t give her what she wanted from me, the least I could do was respect her wishes.
I wouldn’t tell her how sorry I was to have made her miserable, how being inside her was like a goddamn religious experience.
How when I was with her, I felt like the best version of myself. That would not make things better.
“Sounds like a plan,” I said instead, rocking back on my heels.
And when she turned to go, I let her walk away.