46. Liv
Liv
The whole way back to Wilmington, I fumed.
I was hurt, sure. But more than that, I was angry…
at myself, at him, at the world. Fuck Theo, I decided, tossing back my second glass of white wine and indulging in what my mother would call ‘foul language unbefitting a lady.’ In fact, fuck men in general.
Men sucked. All men. Hot piano-playing men, stupid cheating men, men I had not yet had the misfortune to meet.
I would be married to my work, the way nuns were married to Christ. I’d take a vow of chastity. And I’d solve this freaking mystery.
Buoyed by my newfound conviction and a third glass of Chardonnay, I took a cab straight from the airport to my parents’ house. I used my key, flung open the door, and stomped inside, fueled by righteous indignation.
My mission carried me into the sitting room, where my mother was curled up with a cup of tea and an Elin Hilderbrand novel. As I swept through the doorway, she put down the tea, dropped the novel on the floor, and let out an undignified squeak.
“Olivia! You startled me!”
“Good,” I announced. “We can all use a little shaking up. Which is why I’m going to tell you what I was doing in New York this weekend.
That’s where I was, on my date.” My brow furrowed as I considered this.
“Or, maybe it wasn’t a date. It wasn’t supposed to be one, but then it kind of turned out that way, accidentally. So you see, I wasn’t really lying.”
Her eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about? Are you drunk? Also, where’s your daughter?”
“Chloe,” I said, sweeping out a hand, “is with her father, who will be taking her to school tomorrow. As such, I felt free to partake in some refreshing beverages on my flight home.”
She got to her feet and headed for the doorway that led to the kitchen. “You,” she said, her expression flickering between incredulity and disgust, “need some black coffee.”
“I don’t need coffee. What I need is honesty. If I can’t get it, I’m damn sure going to give it. And I would appreciate it if you’d do me the courtesy of listening to what I have to say.”
My tirade brought my father thundering down the hall from his study, cigar in hand. “What the hell is going on here?” he snapped at me.
“Oh, good. You’re here too.” I gave him a bland smile. “I’d rather just say this once.” Drawing a deep breath, I laid out the whole story, minus the defiling of Krista’s rug.
When I finished, my parents stared at me, jaws agape, like well-bred guppies. It would’ve been funny if not for the dangerous storm brewing in my father’s eyes.
“I get that you’re mad,” I said, looking from him to my mom. “I should’ve told you the truth. But that’s the thing. The truth is what’s really important, no matter the cost. Which is why I’m going to look for that journal and talk to Grandma Ella about getting the test again.”
My father brandished his cigar. “You’ll do no such thing,” he boomed, with the incontrovertible authority of the CEO of Carter Industries.
The wine had made me braver—or dumber—than usual, because I didn’t back down, the way I’d done my entire life.
“I will too,” I told him, which unfortunately came out sounding more toddler-with-a-tantrum rather than I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.
I lifted my chin and tried again. “You said it wasn’t important to dig into this any further, but what you meant was we won, and if we open it up again, you might not come out on the side of the angels.
You don’t care about the truth, you care about appearances.
But this all happened before you were born.
No matter what, it wasn’t your sin or your vindication. ”
“Our sin?” My father’s eyebrows rose so high, they almost disappeared beneath his hair.
“This isn’t a matter of religion, Olivia.
It’s a matter of logic and practicality.
Something that you”—his nostrils flared, as if inhaling the offensive scent of irrationality—“seem to have abandoned completely.”
“Oh, I’m practical all right,” I told him, seething. “I know what it’s like not to know where you’ve come from. What it’s like to have that chance taken from you. And I won’t do that to Grandma Ella.”
“Is this about your birth parents?” My mother sighed, exasperated.
“Honestly, Olivia, I thought we worked through all this years ago. And what were you doing in New York with that man? Please don’t tell me you’re having some kind of fling with him, of all people.
Surely not even—” She caught herself before she could finish, her lips pursing in distaste, but I could hear the rest of it, as clearly as if she’d spoken aloud: Surely not even you could stoop so low.
Would she never stop punishing me for my marriage to Gray?
Or was this about something else entirely?
I remembered my dad saying blood will out, and rage shot through me, penetrating the wine-induced haze.
“What I’m doing or not doing with Theo is none of your business.
And no, Mom, we didn’t work through anything with my bio parents.
You wanted me to drop it, so I did. But that didn’t mean I forgot.
And I refuse to do to Grandma Ella what was done to me. ”
My father slammed his hand down on the marquetry-paneled side table, toppling a lamp, and my mother gave a yelp of distress. “The last time we spoke about this, we emphasized what a scandal this would create. What it could do to our family’s business and reputation.”
“That’s all you care about, isn’t it?” I was so angry, my voice squeaked.
“And Grandma knows it, too. When I talked to her the first time, she said she’d be willing to take a DNA test if it wasn’t for how you and Uncle Jamison would react.
And that was before we had all these questions about what really happened, based on what Theo and I’ve learned.
” It hurt to say his name, but I managed it.
“Are you so afraid of what we’ll discover that you’re willing to hide behind these flimsy excuses?
Or are you so invested in preserving your identity and your ‘reputation’ that you’re willing to shove all of this under the rug? ”
His face reddened, and his voice rose. “You think that’s what this is all about?
Step into the real world, Olivia. Do you know what arrived on our doorstep today, while you were busy gallivanting around New York City?
Papers, that’s what. The mother of that man you’ve been doing God-knows-what with is suing us for emotional damages and demanding my mother take a DNA test. Are you happy now? ”
My mouth fell open. Theo’s mother had been upset, but I had no idea she’d do something like this.
And he certainly hadn’t mentioned it. Had he known, the whole time we were in New York, and never said a word?
Had he let me believe we were in this together, that we were partners, but the entire time, he’d been keeping this secret from me?
“I’m sure it will be thrown out in court,” my father went on, his tone clipped. “Our attorney will take care of things, make sure it stays out of the media. But you can imagine my dismay, after your mother and I explicitly told you to let it go.”
“I had no idea,” I began, but he didn’t let me finish.
“This is a pointless discussion.” My father righted the lamp.
“I refuse to waste any more time going around in circles on an issue that’s moot.
You’ll do what you’re told, Olivia, and quit these histrionics.
You won’t say a word about the lawsuit to your grandmother, and you’ll stop poking around in places you don’t belong.
Or you can kiss your inheritance goodbye. ”
I stumbled back, as horrified as if he’d hit me. It was my worst fear: that one day, my parents would make good on their insinuations that at the core, I wasn’t one of them. Something I would say or do would prove it, and they’d erase me from the family for good.
In their eyes, I wasn’t a Carter, not when it counted. I was expendable.
Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.
“Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” I sniffed hard, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
The heck with decorum. “I have a degree, a good job, and a savings account for Chloe’s college.
If you choose to disinherit me, that’s your decision.
But I have to do what I think is right.”
Grabbing my purse, I walked out the door, then waited for the Uber around the corner so neither of them would have the satisfaction of seeing me sob.
My vision was still blurry with tears as I paced my living room, waiting for Theo to answer the phone.
It had taken everything in me not to call him from the Uber on my way home, but the last thing I wanted was to broadcast my private business to the driver.
Wilmington was small enough that I just might see her again.
“Liv?” he said when he finally picked up. At the sound of his voice, I realized I missed him. Somehow, that made me even angrier.
“Liv?” he said again. “I’m glad you called. I found out something important. And also, I—”
“Stop talking.” The words emerged from between clenched teeth, and I unlocked my jaw, so I could finish.
Just get it over with, I told myself. Get it over with, and you never have to speak to him again.
You can crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, and sob some more to your heart’s content.
“I just came from my parents’ house. I stomped in there and told them off.
And guess what they had to say?” I gulped hard, hoping he couldn’t tell I was crying.
“Your mother is suing my family, Theo. She’s suing them and trying to get a court order for my grandmother to take the DNA test.”
I waited for an exclamation on his end, or an argument. Something, anything to indicate that this came as a surprise. But he was silent, confirming my suspicions.
“You knew, didn’t you?” My voice cracked, despite my efforts to keep it level, and a full-on sob broke through. “You knew she was going to do this all along, and you didn’t say a word.”
“I tried to stop her.” He sounded miserable. “You have to believe me, Liv. I did everything I could.”
A bitter laugh escaped my lips. “You’ve got to be kidding.
” My voice was high-pitched, unmoored. I was listening to myself lose control, like it was happening to someone else: a stranger, her arms wrapped around her body, trying to hold the shattered pieces of herself together.
It was mortifying to fall apart this way, especially in front of the man who’d done some of the shattering, but I didn’t know how to make it stop.
“After everything, I thought at least we were being honest with each other,” I told Theo sadly. “But no. Your mom was right. You wouldn’t know honesty if it bit you in the rear end. And I can’t believe I fell for you.”
He made a rough, pained sound. “Don’t say that, Liv. Please. Let me explain. You’ll understand, I swear. I’ll do anything—”
“You’ve already done quite enough.” There, that sounded like a woman who had her act together.
Who cared if ‘already’ came out sounding watery, and I only got out half of ‘enough’ before I hiccupped and choked?
Maybe he’d think I had the flu. “I’ll look for the journal, like I planned.
I’ll talk to my grandmother about the test. But not because of your mother’s ridiculous threats, Theo. Because it’s the right thing to do.”
I swallowed hard, summoning the strength for what I needed to say next.
I pictured the way the music coursed through him when he played the piano, the way his eyes fixed on mine when we were talking, as if no one else existed in the world.
I remembered the intimacy of him moving inside me that last time, as if the barriers between us had fallen away and we were making love rather than having sex.
And then I fell apart for the second time that afternoon.
Tears poured down my face, dripping onto my shirt and clogging my nose, but I managed to get the words out nonetheless.
“You and me? We’re done. I’ll email you what I find out, and I’d appreciate it if you do the same. But other than that? I never want to speak to you again.”