30. CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 30
L exi stood looking out at the spectacular view from Matthew’s penthouse condo on the Delaware River. Early Christmas lights strung along buildings reflected off the water. As much as she loved the simplicity and peacefulness of the other world, she had to admit that her city all lit up at night, the historic buildings of Christ Church and Independence Hall set against the towering skyscrapers, was breathtaking in its own right.
“What do you want to watch tonight?” he asked. “Horror, comedy, or something with lots of bad guys and car crashes?”
“Oh, hell no. No bad guys and car crashes, thank you very much.”
“Oh. Yeah. Right. My bad. Let’s go for comedy. That’s kind of all I can take these days anyway.”
In the two months since Margot’s death and Lexi’s separation from Gideon, she and Matthew had pretty much become each other’s entire social life. It was strictly platonic, both of them still licking the wounds of their demolished love lives. But they were each other’s best confidantes—only confidantes, really. Only they could comprehend what had happened, what they were each truly feeling.
Matthew did his best to understand the complex feelings he’d been left with after Margot. Tried to figure what parts of their relationship had been real, what parts a fa?ade, and now accepted that he’d never really know. He blamed himself for not trusting his own suspicions and catching on to her deceit much sooner. And though he’d never stated it out loud, Lexi suspected he blamed his failure in that regard for all the deaths that occurred.
No longer the confidant man she’d met at the club that first Friday night, she caught how his hands often had a subtle tremor to them, and how he asked for her opinion on almost every decision he needed to make. His heart, and his ability to trust not only others, but himself as well, had been horribly damaged. Though she still suffered in her own right, she did her best to be a comfort and a friend to him. And of course, she needed him for nearly the identical reasons.
So, week in and week out, the two wounded warriors hung together, watched movies, sometimes talked about things, sometimes didn’t bother. They were thankful enough to at least have each other’s company, each other’s friendship.
“So, how’s work going?” he asked while joining her on the sofa with a huge bowl of popcorn in his hands, propping his feet on the coffee table. “You haven’t said much about it recently.” He picked up the remote and started clicking around for something to watch.
“What’s there to say about it? It’s work.” She had, in fact, landed a great new job as a paralegal for a firm specializing in civil rights, which was something she could feel good about. A couple months into the position and her career was already thriving. Her newfound confidence, sprinkled with a little help from her sight —which she only used in the assistance of those in need—were establishing her as a real asset to the firm. The attorneys she worked with were already encouraging her to think about law school, but the complex bureaucracy of the law didn’t quite appeal. It was too removed, too massive a system. She walked through her days with a solid footstep, but a restless heart.
“Sounds like you’re thrilled,” he said with a smirk. “If you’re not satisfied, why not do something else? ”
“I guess I haven’t figured out what that would be yet.” The truth was, no matter how successful she became in any field, she’d always have to hide her greatest asset. She could use it, but only in a secretive way, which bothered her after her experience in Gideon’s world. She’d never be able to fully acknowledge her true self.
Her mind flashed to conversations she’d had with Gideon and Alana. “You can be anything you want in our world now,” Gideon had told her. “You can contribute here in whatever way will give you pleasure and satisfaction.”
“If I were in the other universe, it would be different,” she said almost under her breath.
Having just shoved a huge handful of popcorn into his mouth, Matthew pulled his gaze away from the television and turned to her. He set the clicker down and finished chewing while studying her face. Just as she was becoming self-conscious under his scrutiny, he spoke. “You still thinking about that? About going there? You never got a vision, did you?”
She looked down at her hands. “No. I try constantly. But it’s the same blank every time.” She looked back up at him. “Anyway, as far as I know Gideon’s moved on. I mean, he said the most wonderful things about waiting for me, but let’s be real. The man has a couple centuries of life still ahead of him. I can’t expect that he’s sitting over there pining for me.”
Matthew studied her face again, eventually getting that twinkle in his eye she loved but hadn’t seen in so very long. He shoved another handful of popcorn in his mouth and mumbled around the food. “Hmmm.”
She slapped his arm. “What?”
Again, she had to wait for him to finish chewing, and in the meantime, she took the bowl out of his hands and placed it on the coffee table .
“I’m not so sure he’s even remotely moved on. And I’d be willing to bet something far more valuable than my proverbial pinky finger that he’s most definitely pining.” A giant grin spread across his face. “Of course, if you ever told him I said that, I’m pretty sure I’d be dead.”
A shot of adrenaline ripped through her veins. “Why? Why do you say that? I mean, the part about him pining, not the dead part. Cuz, yeah, you’d be dead.” She giggled at the idea of Gideon hearing that.
“I’m a guy. A dude knows when another dude is smitten with a chick.”
“Well how do you know I’m the chick?”
“Lexi, he asks about you every time he’s here. Gives me the goddamned third degree. Where are you working, what are you doing? Hell, he even asked about your parents and what you told them about the situation. He’s worried they might be pissed at him. Can you freaking believe that? I’m telling you, he’s pining. But his word is true. He wants you safe first and foremost. So, if you haven’t had a vision...” He shrugged.
She slunk back into the couch, her heart pounding so hard she put a hand to her chest. And a once familiar excitement flooded her limbs. Delicious little butterflies fluttered in her tummy. Not that anything really changed. The visions still kept their secrets, but just the confirmation that he thought about her as much as she did him changed the color of her world. “Wait, you said he’s been coming over here? Why? I figured with the portal closed he’d have no reason to be around much.”
“We’re still digging around the Prometheus Group, though nothing new has turned up, and like you, all the clairvoyants in his world are seeing nothing but peace and quiet for now. But he can’t let it rest, and I don’t blame him. Like Margot said, PG is big, they’re worldwide, and they’ll be back at some point.” At the mention of her name, his face fell and the twitch in his hand started up. He shoved it into his lap. “Anyway, I think he likes being in this world now and then, knowing you’re nearby.”
She leaned back against the plush suede sofa, turning her head to stare out the big windows at the glowing city below. It was a lovely sight, but what was the point of such beauty if she couldn’t share it with the man she loved? What if she went to law school, found the perfect career, had all the success she desired but couldn’t run home at the end of the day and share it with him? “What have you been telling him when he asks all those questions about me?”
“I’ve been telling him the only things I know… or… I thought I knew anyway,” he said. “I’ve been telling him you’re working, living your life and doing really well. Lex, what are you thinking? Do you want to go to him?”
Her eyes grew wet, and she didn’t care if Matthew was watching. “Yeah, I think maybe I do. I can’t be happy here anymore. I can succeed now, but that’s not the same thing, is it? I’m finding it harder and harder to make sense of this world, and I can’t be myself. I’m back to hiding who I am, and it hurts now more than ever. I can be who I’m meant to be over there. I have something to offer in that world. And…”
“And Gideon.”
“And Gideon. Mostly Gideon.”
“What about the transition process? You still don’t know what will happen. The risk is still there. You could die, Lex.”
“I know.” She pulled herself up to sit straight on the sofa, wiping her eyes. “I just… Everything is so damned lifeless and gray without him that—”
Then she recalled something, and the memory landed on her head like an Acme anvil dropped by Wile E. Coyote. She remembered Roberto, the day he came to her apartment to tell her about the transition process. He’d said, “To have love and walk away from it because of fear commits you to a darkness worse than death.” And Margot’s words in her last moments. “He’s your most important thing.”
She smiled, her heart having made the decision a split second before her mind. A calm swept through her. “Margot was right. It’s worth the risk.”
He laughed, his face light for the first time in weeks. “Margot made a shitload of bad decisions, but I do think she’s right about this one.”
“Do you think he’ll agree with me? Or will he demand I stay here?”
“I don’t even think you need to ask him, Lex,” he said, reaching for the popcorn bowl and the television remote once again. “Just go tell him you’re coming.”