Chapter 2
Chapter Two
Giving In To Darkness
NORA
Darkness has settled into the city by the time I reach the elevator shaft of the bridge.
With Olivia gone, it’s as if darkness has taken over in my mind again, as well.
My mouth is too dry and my breathing too fast as the elevator carries me higher and higher.
I thought this might be good for me, to come to the place where my parents died and face it head-on once and for all.
I fear I was wrong. Memories of black ooze, gaping wounds, and teeth marks push their way into my thoughts as soon as the elevator doors ding and close, nearly suffocating me in such a small space.
It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. God, I’ll never be able to convince myself of that or that the darkness I felt surrounding me that night wasn’t there. I felt it. It wanted me, too. It still does.
My hands shake and my stomach flip-flops as the elevator comes to a standstill and the doors slide open with a loud ding.
The sound makes me jump as it pulls me out of my haunting memories.
I feel it here, that darkness. I feel it everywhere.
It’s here on this bridge and in my mind, the sensation of being consumed and entangled with those shadows that lurked on the beach, relentless.
I thought I could escape it for a moment here, but I was wrong.
The darkness persists. I should go back.
I shouldn’t be here. I should know better by now than to trust my mind.
It’s not strong enough yet to be up here, in a place that makes it so easy to end the suffering once and for all.
Deep breath in… and out. I can do this. I’m okay.
I’m more than okay. I. Am. Healed. Stepping off the elevator and onto the bridge, I remind myself why I came up here to begin with.
The view. The peace. God, it’s beautiful.
The chill of the breeze cascades off the lake below, caressing my cheeks as I stand at the edge, gazing down at the picturesque scene laid out before me.
Lake Michigan and Lake Huron on either side, the waves rising and crashing against rocks along their borders.
The city lights shine brightly on the distant town, giving the false impression that we’re all safe no matter how dark it might get.
The full moon gleams overhead like a beacon above the city, whispering sweet promises of new beginnings and hope when daylight returns.
Right now though, I cannot feel that hope.
The black depths of the water call to me…
it calls to my soul. The deep, violent darkness within the lake can release me from the pain and torment at last. I can be free.
My hair whips around me, the red streaks lashing against my face and reminding me I’m still here.
That I’m real. I blink back tears as I gaze out at Mackinac Island, the city I grew up in.
The city my parents adored until the cruelty that is life got in the way.
Here on this bridge, life took everything from me.
Dr. Cooper reminds me often that there are stages of grief, and it changes from day to day.
All I know for sure is the pain from it is endless and all-consuming.
I’ve had to climb and claw and rip through thick, smothering clouds of darkness every day, and have rarely seen a tiny spark of light at the end of the tunnel.
Every day is a new battle, and the darkness always has new tricks up its sleeve to try to break me…
to end me for good. It takes so much and yet still wants more. I’ll never truly be okay.
Closing my eyes, I lean into the breeze as another cold gust of air rushes past me, a sort of numbness wrapping its arms around me and caressing my skin like an old, familiar friend.
The same numbness I felt on the beach that night.
The same numbness that craved my surrender, that urged me to let go, to let it in.
I don’t know what’s real anymore. The truth is, I’m no better than I was the day I voluntarily allowed myself to be put in the psych ward, no better than the day I hit rock bottom when my sister found me nearly dead.
I am still no better. But here on this ledge, I don’t feel so alone.
I feel seen and understood. It would be so easy to just let it all go, to free myself from the nightmare of continuing on.
I miss my parents. I need to see them again.
I need to feel their arms wrapped around me and the warmth and love they infused into my soul whenever they were around.
I can’t do life without them any longer.
I’ve tried to move on, and I know everyone keeps reminding me that better days will come, but will they really?
A year of misery has persisted, and it’s all passed in a blur.
I know I should fight these intrusive thoughts, if for nothing else, then for Olivia.
She deserves better. Being up here makes it too hard to keep fighting for her. I should go.
With a racing heart, I take a step back toward the elevator, and then another.
Icy, soothing numbness crashes into me again, the feel of it against my skin this time more commanding and forceful.
I close my eyes and breathe it in. It’s the scent of death and despair that has me freezing in place.
Goosebumps climb across my skin as tendrils of evil coil around my mind, body, and soul, the comfort it brought slowly turning to icy emptiness.
I open my eyes, gasping, wanting to remove the scent from the air and expel it from my lungs.
I can’t no matter how hard I try, the scent and feel of death pushes its way into me further, refusing to let me go.
I knew it would come for me. I knew it wasn’t over after all I’d seen that night on the beach.
How could it let me live when I knew the truth?
I fall to my knees, the hard metal sending shooting pains through my trembling legs.
I need air. I’m suffocating. I reach for my throat, hoping to somehow force oxygen into my body, wishing the pain of being infiltrated and tormented by this darkness would end, but it’s useless.
I close my eyes, preparing for death here and now.
But death doesn’t come. The pain ends and the air is no longer tinged with the scent of death and darkness. I feel nothing at all. My mind is numb. Opening my eyes, I rise from my knees and turn back toward the city lights and the temptation of the ledge.
I’ve always felt a fight within myself between the dark and the light.
It doesn’t feel like a fight any longer.
Not anymore. Now, as I take a step up to the ledge, glancing three hundred and fifty feet down to the surface of the lake, the sound of the crashing waves is calling me home.
Into the depths of nothingness. Into the unending darkness.
Into the comfort of the unknown. Here, the never-ending suffering and aching of loss torment me.
I don’t want it anymore. I can’t take it anymore.
I won’t. Taking a small step toward the ledge, I bite back tears that threaten to fall.
“I belong to darkness…” the whispered words forming and coming out of my mouth aren’t my own.
I’m not in control. Darkness has won. Another step closer to the ledge has my breath catching in my throat. I close my eyes, holding my arms out wide.
“I belong to darkness…” I lean into the breeze and let it carry me away…
Down. Down. Down.
The rush of wind against my entire body feels like freedom, and the icy numbness feels like home.
I feel nothing and yet I’m not afraid. The darkness whispers into my mind, promising me a life full of happiness and a love I never knew existed on the other side.
It promises me everything. Opening my eyes, I smile as I free-fall toward my inevitable ending, imagining my parents with open arms welcoming me into the afterlife.
This is how it has to be. There is no other option for me.
After all, I was born of darkness. In the end, into the darkness I shall return.