Chapter 7 The Stranger
Chapter Seven
The Stranger
NORA
The hospital staff observed me overnight to rule out a concussion, and although I truly believe there’s something wrong in my brain, I’m happy to be going home.
The terror from the night before hasn’t worn off yet, the feeling of suddenly being hundreds of feet in the air soaring to sure and permanent death still scares the shit out of me.
What terrifies me most is not remembering how I ended up falling to begin with.
Did I jump? Did I fall? And why the hell can’t I remember?
There’s definitely something wrong with my brain. It’s broken.
I’m broken.
Olivia and I sit side by side on the ferry as we make our way back to Mackinac Island, and I can’t pull my eyes away from the blue waves of Lake Michigan—the ripple and rise of them before they crash back to the surface.
The waves have a way of hypnotizing me, but today they hypnotize me in a new way as flashbacks from the night before replay in my mind.
I almost died. I should have died. Shutting my eyes tightly, I breathe in the fresh, soothing lake air.
It brings a sense of peace straight to my soul.
I enjoy living in such a small town, this tiny island surrounded by water and lush trees.
I’ll never leave. My parents always said the same.
Olivia would much rather live in a big city, but she chose to stay here to be close to me.
She doesn’t trust me to be alone, and honestly, I don’t blame her.
I have a way of spiraling into dark places that lurk in the corners of my mind and struggling to find my way back.
She has saved me from myself countless times while Ere has been there to numb the pain.
Without either of them I’m not sure I’d still be here today.
“You okay, sis?” Olivia asks, looking me up and down and giving me a small smile when my eyes lock with hers.
I smile back as her dark hair whips around us in the breeze, taking in the scent of her citrus shampoo. She’s so happy and carefree. Even after our parents’ sudden deaths she found a way to smile through the pain and grieve quietly.
There was nothing quiet about my grieving.
The many suicide attempts and random men I hooked up with to try to mask the pain before meeting Ere are living proof. I never knew true darkness until I lost my parents. I’ve only been pretending to feel better.. After last night, I think it’s safe to say pretending isn’t working.
“I’m okay. I’ll be okay, I mean,” I tell her, grabbing my red locks in my hand and securing them in a ponytail with the scrunchy I pull from my wrist. “My head is just killing me and… " I swallow thickly, closing my eyes and trying to find the right words. “I miss Mom and Dad so much, Liv. Every single day. I’m starting to wonder if it’ll ever get easier.” Warmth slides down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe it away.
Olivia’s bright blue eyes shine with a layer of tears just waiting to fall.
“I know, Nor. I miss them, too. I don’t know if it’ll ever get easier, but all we can do is try to be okay.
” She wraps her arm around me and lays her head on my shoulder.
“Do you want to go see them today?” Peering up at me, she sniffles.
“Yes. Can we, please? Maybe that’s exactly what I need.” I lean my head on hers, sliding my arms around her and squeezing tightly. “I love you, sis,” I whisper as the ferry slows and the horn blares to announce our arrival to the docks.
“Love you too.” She lifts her head up, wipes away her tears, then flashes me a bright wide smile.
That’s how she grieves. She feels the pain in small bursts and then it passes, much like most do, and then she’s right back to her happy, carefree self.
I will never grieve or feel pain that way.
My pain festers and wraps around my heart and soul until nothing but darkness remains.
Then, once the soul crushing darkness creeps in, my emotions and thoughts drown in endless, tormenting agony.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
As the ferry reaches the dock and people line up and swiftly exit, a wave of dizziness hits me. I clench my teeth and smile as Katie glances my way, hoping it isn’t obvious that I’m teetering because she’ll force me to go home. She doesn’t notice, thankfully.
Walking down the brick road that leads to St. Anns Cemetery, Olivia and I loop our arms together and I remind myself to breathe.
The sun sets behind the trees and shadows dance across the graves, and a part of me fears the ghostly mother who haunts this place might appear.
People often come here for fun, then leave sharing stories of spotting her weeping above her child’s grave before screeching and vanishing into thin air.
I understand the pain of losing someone who holds every piece of your heart.
That kind of pain never heals, and more often than not, I’d like to scream, too.
Olivia releases my arm and takes a seat near my parents’ headstone.
I kick off my flip flops and lay down on my back, staring up at the sky the way my mom and I did when I was little.
Twirling pieces of grass between my fingers at the spot they were laid to rest makes me feel more connected to them, to the reality that they’re gone.
I try to make myself forget until memories of them come flooding back and I let them drown me.
“What are you thinking about?” Olivia lays down next to me and interlocks our fingers.
“How hard life is without them.” I close my eyes, trying to remember their faces and smiles and how they lit up any room they walked into.
Most of the time when I picture their faces all I see are black smears and claw marks, and I get so goddamn mad about remembering them that way. I take a deep breath, forcing the images away.
“We really had the best parents anyone could ever ask for, didn’t we?” Her words are a soft whisper, but I can still make out the quivering of her voice.
I nod in response, but her gaze is focused on the sky, her thoughts far away. “We were so lucky to have them. I would give anything to have them back.” I open my eyes, noting how the rays of sunlight have vanished, letting the stars now twinkle brightly above us.
The air is frigid against my skin, and the shadows are gone now that darkness has taken over.
The darkness in my mind took over long ago.
I wish I could fight it. I’d love nothing more than to suffocate it, to chain it up in the back of my mind so I never feel it or think of it again.
I’m not strong enough. Fighting feels hopeless.
“Mom and Dad would want you to be happy. They would want you to move on, Nor, to live your life fully. They wouldn’t want you to stay frozen in time the way you have been.” She leans up on her elbow, staring down at me.
The wind tousles her hair, and it brushes against my cheek as she watches me, her eyes clear and full of wisdom.
I’m only two years younger than her but she seems much older.
She’s definitely much smarter. I’m a college dropout.
I left Florida State University’s psychology program to come home for the funeral and never went back.
Maybe one day I will. Olivia’s degree in early childhood education, and her joy of helping those around her serve her well at the elementary school she works at.
Kids love her, their parents love her, and a lot of it has to do with how much she takes after our parents.
Their joy and love for life, their way of staying positive in any situation, and the way they never gave up hope that better days were on the horizon.
I don’t know where all my negativity comes from, but it isn’t from them. I guess I’m a different breed.
I sigh, sitting up and crossing my legs in front of me, facing the forest that lines the cemetery on all sides.
“I know, Liv. I know they’d want me to be happy.
I’m trying,” I tell her. “It might not look like it some days, but I try so hard every day to be better. To do better.” I glance at her, shooting her a half-ass smile before turning back toward the trees.
She knows I try. She also knows I fail spectacularly when I do. Even before our parents’ deaths I struggled to find happiness. It’s like it has always been just out of reach, and no matter how hard I try to grip onto it and claim it as mine, it eludes me and always will.
Darkness always wins in the end.
“I know you try. Someday you’ll have everything you could ever wish for; I just know it.
” She stands and brushes dirt off the front of her jeans before throwing me a mischievous smile.
“I’m going grave hunting. I guess there’s one here that dates back to the early eighteen hundreds.
I want to find it. Apparently, it’s cursed.
” She raises her eyebrows up and down as she extends her hand to help me stand.