Chapter 9 Seeing the Light #2
Ere lives and works an hour away in St. Ignace, but he used to come here often to party with his contractor work friends.
It’s how we met. How he ended up at the same psychiatric hospital as me.
Too many late-night bingers for him and a downward spiral into drugs which led to his mental collapse.
He checked himself into the hospital. He knew he needed to get better.
Hooking up with him was meant to be a one-time thing, but after that first night together I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
I pushed him away at first, but he was persistent and sweet and ultimately, I couldn’t resist him.
Now his island visits are just for me.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he stares into my eyes and breathes in deep. “Let’s see,” he says, and my breath catches in my throat as swirls of gold hypnotize me. “You want me to make pancakes again. Really?” He laughs softly.
That sound is something I’ll never get tired of hearing. The muscles in his arms flex as he places his hands on my shoulders and pulls me in for a quick kiss, before turning and heading to the kitchen. I do want pancakes, but I always do when he’s here. No one makes them better than Ere.
He rummages through my cabinets while I set the table and then lean my elbows on the island and admire him as he whips up the most delicious pancakes in the world.
As he sets our plates down, I choose my seat and then he slides into the one in front of me, the chair now looking minuscule compared to his large frame.
“You have no idea how beautiful you truly are, do you?” Reaching across the table, he intertwines our fingers and looks at me as if he’s seeing me for the first time.
This is why I care about him as much as I do. It doesn’t matter what darkness lingers in the back of my mind, with him it’s hard to feel it there. All I think about or feel is him. Nothing else exists.
“Thanks, Ere. You have no idea how sweet you are, do you?” I smile, biting my lip and enjoying the thrill of seeing his eyes drift down to my mouth as he watches me.
“How’ve you been, my love?” His eyebrows scrunch up in that way they do when he knows something is wrong but also knows I’m trying to hide it.
His shaggy black locks flow like a curtain over his eyes and he brushes it back away from his face.
The way his eyes melt into pools of liquid gold as he watches me makes it hard to look away.
I can never escape the trance he seems to put me in.
“I’m okay, Ere. I’ve been better, but I’m happy you’re here to distract me. How have you been?” I swallow thickly, hoping he’ll let it go and not expect more than I’m willing to tell him.
How can I tell him I believe something or someone has been fucking with my mind and wanting me to off myself? I can’t. He’ll panic and worry that I’ve snapped again and that I’ll end up back in the psych ward any day now. There’s no point in dragging anyone else into this. I’ll figure it out.
Freeing my hands, he relaxes into his chair, throwing one arm over the back.
“I wish you trusted me more, Nora. I’ve known you long enough to sense when something is wrong.
Why don’t you just tell me what it is?” He shakes his head, glancing up at the ceiling.
“We can’t make this work if there are secrets.
..” The muscles in his face twitch as he forces his mouth to stop moving.
I’m sure he has much more he’d like to say, but he tends to keep things inside to spare my feelings.
To not make me feel bad even when I should.
He’s not wrong, though. Secrets and lies wrap around a relationship and slowly squeeze the life out of it until there’s nothing left.
Still… there are things I can’t tell him yet, mostly because I don’t understand them myself.
I sigh, crossing one leg over the other and sitting up straighter.
“I’m… I still struggle some days, Ere. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too much for you.
If you might be better off without me in your life.
I don’t know how you deal with me.” My eyes burn and my throat is too dry, and suddenly I feel like I’m drowning all over again.
Ere is perfect and I’m anything but. I tried hard to push him away in the beginning for that reason.
I was scared I’d drag him down into my darkness alongside me.
He helps me accept all the broken, messed up parts of myself, but at times it’s hard for me to appreciate all the beauty and kindness he has within him, because I’m so messed up.
Most of the time I truly believe he deserves better.
“No,” he growls, leaning closer and placing his elbows on the table.
“I’m a better man because of you, Nora. I love you.
I know you refuse to say it because you’re scared, but I know you love me, too.
All I want is for you to accept every damaged, dark piece of yourself for what they are, and to feel your feelings for me fully, but you refuse.
I deal with you, my love, because I can’t live without you.
I won’t do it.” He brushes his hair out of his face with one hand, and I watch as it falls back down, framing his perfect jaw line.
I shake my head at his words. They’re not true.
There’s so much wrong with me. Too many things to name.
Every time he tells me he loves me it breaks my heart, because although I know how I feel about him, my mind is chaotic and unstable, and I need to heal before I fully let him in.
I need to know how I feel with a sane mind and a heart that’s not locked up for fear of losing someone again.
I can’t lose him too.
“I’m not trying to pretend my feelings don’t exist, Ere.
What I can say for sure is you make my pain fade away and I don’t feel scared or alone with you.
You make me feel less… damaged, and I’m thankful you accept me just the way I am.
It’s not fair to drag you into my self-pitying bullshit, and I’m sorry.
” I gaze down at my hands to avoid meeting his eyes.
He reaches across the table, pulling my chin up with his fingers and forcing me to look at him. The warmth and comfort of his touch spreads through me, slowly calming my mind.
Everything goes quiet when he’s near and especially when he touches me. A sort of comforting numbness takes over to replace the constant pain.
“You never drag me down, Nora. Your love lifts me up. It gives me hope,” he whispers, caressing my cheek with his thumb.
“No matter what you go through, I want to be there however you need me to be. I want you to use me. To abuse me however you please. All I want is you.” His jaw clenches and my heart races as his eyes drift from mine and linger on my lips.
I can’t breathe. If I breathe now, the tension between us might shatter and force him to stop touching me. I don’t want him to stop. What I want is for him to pull me closer, to feel his breath on my lips and taste the honesty of his words on my tongue.
“Ere…” I whisper, not knowing what to say or how to feel with him so close. With him watching me as if he’d kill or be killed just to have me in his arms, or to kiss me just once.
He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and then rests his arms on the table between us. My face feels cold without his touch. My soul feels empty without him near. My heart thuds loudly wanting to jump out of my chest to follow after his. I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anything before.
“You know I can read you like a book, right?” He flashes that crooked smile I’ve always adored. It renders me incapable of coherent thoughts or speech. He shakes his head in amusement as my silence lingers on.
I clear my throat and focus on steadying my voice before speaking. “Yea. You always have a way of knowing my thoughts and emotions before I even have time to voice them. How?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers. “When you look at me, your eyes reveal everything. They always have and always will.”
“Well, I’ll have you know, sir, that your eyes reveal more than you think. I can read your thoughts,” I lean in closer, my voice barely a whisper, “right at this very moment,” a flirty smile takes over my lips
I know what will happen, and though he made us this delicious meal that neither of us have touched, all I can think about is how badly I want him. There’s plenty of time for pancakes later. My need for him in this moment can’t wait.
“What am I thinking, Nor?” His eyes burn into mine. “Tell me.”
“You’re thinking that I look sexy in this little red dress, and that you’d love to bend me over this table and have your way with me… right… now.” I lick my lips, savoring the moment his eyes follow the motion of my tongue.
He swallows, a nervous smile tugging at his lips.
“No, actually. I wasn’t thinking that at all.
” His smile vanishes and his pupils dilate, lending an air of darkness to his eyes.
“I was thinking,” he says, his voice dripping with desire.
“How tempting it is to carry you over my shoulder to the bedroom and use my teeth to tease and undress you while I take pleasure in hearing you beg and scream my name.” The way he licks his lips triggers an immediate, intoxicating sense of arousal.
“But you were shockingly close. I’ll give you that.
” He winks at me and my cheeks flush, the burn causing me to shift uncomfortably in my seat.
Fuck my damaged heart and broken mind. Fuck my head for screaming at my heart that I’m not good enough for the irresistible temptation that dangles within reach. I need him.
The shock on my face is met with laughter from him, and electricity dances along my spine at the sound of it.
My body is weak and my head spins and now I doubt my ability to hold myself up in this chair.
The words he spoke and the way he looks at me ignites a rush of arousal that has me clenching my thighs.
He knows me too well. Slowly, his eyes rake down my body, settling on my exposed thighs, his expression turning predatory.
My body pulsates with an intense need that only he can satisfy.
I force a smile, my voice turning low and sultry. “I don’t scream men’s names, Ere. I make men scream my name.” I return his wink, and a thrill runs through me as I watch his mouth pop open.
With a feral glint in his eyes, he brushes his fingertips across my flushed cheek, before quickly standing and throwing me over his shoulder, with me giggling the whole way to the bedroom.
Suddenly it feels like the dark clouds have parted just a little, swallowing us both up and allowing us to get lost in them together.
Darkness always returns, but Ere is there each time to welcome it with me. With him, I will never have to suffer alone.