Chapter Fifteen
By the time Willow finally convinced Lily that her new bedroom would still be there in the morning, it was well past her normal bedtime.
Apparently, giving a two-year-old a room filled with new toys, books, stuffed animals, and a bed covered in her favorite colors right before expecting her to sleep had not been the smartest idea anyone had ever come up with.
“Lily, sweetheart, lie down.”
“My books.”
“The books will be here tomorrow.”
Lily pointed toward the little table in the corner. “Color?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Dolphin?”
Willow looked at the stuffed dolphin currently wedged beneath one of Lily’s arms while Ellie, her beloved elephant, occupied the other.
“You already have the dolphin.”
Lily looked down as though this was brand-new information.
Willow pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.
It had been an exhausting day. After spending the morning shopping with Riley, she had come home to find Jay Bird back from training a day early, discovered that the team had helped Jay Bird transform the spare bedroom into Lily’s dream room, and then spent the afternoon planting enough flowers to make Jay Bird accuse her of single-handedly trying to lower the average masculinity level of his property.
Lily was filthy by the time they finished, and Jay Bird was just as dirty.
Willow had managed to escape with considerably less dirt, mostly because she had supervised.
Jay Bird called it cheating, but Willow called it management.
Now the house was quiet, Lily was clean, and Willow sat on the edge of her daughter’s new bed, running her fingers through her soft brown hair.
“Momma?”
“Hmm?”
“Jay home.”
Willow smiled. “Yes. Jay’s home.”
“No go?”
The question squeezed something inside her chest. “He has to go to work sometimes, baby.”
Lily frowned as though she found employment highly inconvenient.
“But he comes home.”
“Jay home,” Lily repeated sleepily.
“Yes.”
Willow leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“Momma’s going to be right across the house with Jay tonight, okay?”
That earned her another sleepy blink.
“If you need me, you call for me. I’ll hear you.”
Willow picked up the monitor from the nightstand and showed it to her.
“See? Mommy can hear everything.”
Lily stared at the monitor, then looked back at Willow.
“Night, Momma.”
Willow almost laughed. Apparently, she was the only one concerned about this major change in their sleeping arrangements.
“Good night, baby.”
“Ellie.”
“Yes. Good night, Ellie too.”
Willow stood and started toward the door.
“Momma?”
She immediately turned.
Lily’s eyes were already closing. “Wuv you.”
Willow’s heart melted. “I love you too.”
She left the door partially open and stood in the hallway for a few seconds, listening for any sign that Lily was awake. But the house remained quiet.
Lily was fine, but Willow was beginning to question whether she could say the same about herself. She knew exactly where she was supposed to go now.
“Okay,” she whispered. “It’s just sleeping.”
Which sounded completely ridiculous when she said it aloud, especially since she had already kissed the man, sat on his lap, and fallen asleep against him on the couch more than once.
They had even had a few kisses over the past month that had gone well beyond innocent. Nothing she couldn’t handle, and nothing Jay Bird hadn’t immediately slowed down the second he sensed her becoming overwhelmed.
She trusted him. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that a bed felt different, and being in a bedroom with him carried a weight she wasn’t sure she was ready to handle.
And as Willow stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, memories she didn’t want began scratching at the edges of her mind.
She showered, deliberately taking her time. She washed dirt from beneath her fingernails and scrubbed the remnants of the day’s work from her skin before standing beneath the warm spray longer than necessary. Eventually, she forced herself to turn off the water.
After drying off, she pulled on her pajamas, brushed her teeth, then stood in front of the mirror.
Her reflection stared back.
“You said yes because you wanted to,” she whispered.
And she did, and that mattered.
Still, when Willow stepped into the hallway, her feet carried her several steps toward Jay Bird’s office before she stopped.
The bed was in there, and she could sleep there tonight if she wanted. Jay Bird wouldn’t be upset or question her, and he certainly wouldn’t make her feel guilty. In fact, she suspected he would wish her good night and make sure she had everything she needed.
Willow looked toward his bedroom. She wanted to sleep beside him, and that was what frustrated her most. Her mind knew exactly what it wanted, but some part of her was still stuck three years in the past, reacting as though she were still trapped there.
She closed her eyes, reminding herself that this wasn’t Chen’s house and she wasn’t trapped. Nobody was going to walk through a door and demand something from her.
This was Jay Bird, and tonight was her choice.
Willow turned away from the office. She walked to Jay Bird’s room, where the door stood open, just as she knew it would. She paused in the doorway, suddenly unsure whether she was ready to take the next step.
Jay Bird sat against the headboard in a gray T-shirt and black sleep pants, one leg stretched out as he looked at something on his phone.
He glanced up, and his expression softened immediately.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
His gaze moved over her face, and Willow knew instantly that he had picked up on her nervousness.
The man was annoyingly observant.
He set his phone on the nightstand. “The office is still yours if you want it.”
Willow leaned against the doorframe. “Are you trying to get rid of me already?”
His mouth twitched. “Hell no. I’m just making sure you know you have choices.”
The smile faded from Willow’s face. Choices. Such a simple word, at least for most people.
She walked farther into the room. “I want to be here.”
“Okay.”
“My head knows that.” Willow rubbed her palms against her pants. “I think the rest of me is just trying to catch up.”
Understanding passed through his eyes, and he didn’t make her explain.
“Then we give it time to catch up.”
It was that simple. There was no disappointment, no wounded ego, and no questioning whether she trusted him. He just gave her time.
Willow glanced at the bed, and suddenly it looked enormous.
“Which side is yours?”
“The right.”
“Why?”
Jay Bird looked confused. “Why what?”
“Why is that your side?”
“I don’t know. I’ve slept on this side for years.”
“Okay.”
“You want it?”
“No.”
“I don’t mind switching.”
“Jay.”
“What?”
She laughed. “I don't want your side.”
“Good. We just negotiated our first major cohabitation crisis.”
That helped more than she could have said. God, did it help.
Willow walked around to the opposite side of the bed and set the monitor on the nightstand.
She checked the screen and saw Lily sprawled sideways across her new bed, with Ellie partially covering her face.
Willow smiled, then climbed beneath the covers.
Jay Bird stayed exactly where he was, giving Willow all the space she needed. He didn’t reach for her or move any closer, and he left the lamp on until she was completely settled. Even then, Willow positioned herself as far away from him as the king-size bed allowed.
Jay Bird looked over.
She looked back.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Jay.”
“It’s a king-size bed, Willow, not the continental United States.”
She glanced at the enormous stretch of mattress separating them.
“I like personal space.”
“Apparently.”
“You said I could choose.”
“I did.”
“I choose Montana.”
He laughed. “Montana it is.”
Willow smiled and rolled onto her back.
Jay Bird shut off the light, and darkness settled around them.
For a while, neither spoke.
Willow listened to the ceiling fan turning lazily overhead, the soft hum of the air conditioner blending with the steady sound of Jay Bird breathing beside her. She checked the monitor to make sure Lily was still asleep, then checked it again a few moments later.
On the third check, Jay Bird spoke. “She’s still there.”
“I know.”
Another minute passed and Willow checked it again.
“Still there,” he murmured.
She turned her head. “Are you counting?”
“Nope.”
“You are.”
“SEALs are observant.”
“SEALs are annoying.”
“Also true.”
Willow smiled into the darkness. Then the humor faded.
“Jay?”
“Hmmm?”
“What if I wake up and panic?”
There was no hesitation. “Then you wake me up.”
“What if I freak out?”
“Then you freak out.”
“Jay—”
“Willow.” His voice was quiet. “There’s nothing you can do tonight that’s going to make me angry with you.”
Her throat tightened as she stared into the darkness, knowing he couldn’t possibly understand what those words meant to her.
She had spent years monitoring everything she did. Every expression, every word, every movement, trying not to anger Chen, trying not to give him a reason, and trying to anticipate which version of him she was going to get.
“I might shove you out of bed.”
“Good luck.”
A laugh slipped out through the emotion tightening her chest.
“I could.”
“You’re what? A hundred and twenty pounds?”
“That’s rude.”
“I’m just saying physics isn’t on your side.”
She laughed again, and when silence returned, it felt different this time. Willow stared at the ceiling for a moment before turning toward him.
“Jay?”
“Still here.”
“Would you hold me?”
He didn’t answer with words. Instead, he lifted his arm and waited.
Willow swallowed, then crossed the space between them on her own.
The moment her head settled against his chest, his arm came gently around her. Not tightly. Not trapping her. It was just there.
Willow rested one hand against his shirt, feeling his slow, steady heartbeat beneath her palm. Something about it was comforting, something that made her feel safe.
Jay Bird’s fingers moved lightly through her hair, offering quiet comfort without needing to say anything more.