18. Madison
18
MADISON
Are you doing okay?
I see Zoe’s text as soon as I return from walking the dogs. My hands are a little stiff from the cold, and I don’t respond right away. I fill up the dogs’ water bowl and tuck my coat away in the front closet while I think about Zoe’s message.
Why is she asking me that right now? Did Aurora say something that prompted Zoe to be suspicious? Zoe has always been the most intuitive of all of us. Has she figured something out?
I haven’t seen her as much as I would like lately. Maybe that’s the only hint she needs to know something is up.
Doing great! I respond, not ready to open up to Zoe.
Sure about that?
I stare at Zoe’s answer. Somehow, she is reading my mind. It’s like she knows what I’m dealing with without me even having to say anything. I sigh.
I wouldn’t mind talking to Zoe. She’s the most understanding of everyone. Maybe I can explain the situation without mentioning any names. I don’t think she’s so intuitive that she would figure out I’m talking about Ethan…un less, of course, he shows up at my door while we’re talking.
I wouldn’t mind talking if you have the time, I finally tell Zoe.
I pull open my text chain with Ethan. Don’t come over right now.
What? You have some other guy you don’t want me to see?
I laugh at that idea. Just one of my friends. I don’t need her saying anything to Aurora.
I have an early shift at the hospital tomorrow. Don’t worry about me showing up for a booty call.
I smile at the text messages like an idiot. I can’t help it. I like talking to Ethan. He makes me laugh, but he also makes me feel special. I don’t understand it.
I’ll be over in fifteen to talk . Zoe responded two minutes ago.
I spend the next thirteen minutes making some tea I can drink to help unfreeze me from my walk outside at dusk. The dogs have settled down after their exercise, and it actually feels almost peaceful for a moment.
Of course, as soon as the dogs hear someone at the door, they leap up and start various pitches of barking.
I push aside the curtain and see Zoe standing there with wide eyes. I don’t know how she’ll feel about Bella and Bigfoot. And they sometimes jump. To avoid any trouble, I yank them toward their kennels and put them safely away. They still continue to bark, but at least they can’t make a break for it.
I finally open the door, and Samson sniffs at Zoe curiously. She puts a hand on his head as she steps inside. “For a second, I thought the dogs might have you tied up somewhere.”
I laugh. “No, they haven’t quite figured out how to do that. Besides, I’m the only one who can open the door. They wouldn't want to tie me up.”
Zoe studies the two huge dogs in their kennels. They are still barking, and it’s difficult to hear anything. “If you go over and pet them through the cage, they’ll calm down.”
Zoe follows my instructions, and pretty soon, everyone has settled down. Zoe and I sit on the end of each of my couches. I sip at my tea. “Would you like some?”
Zoe shakes her head. “No, I just ate dinner actually. I’m good. What’s up with you?”
I study my cup, running my thumb along the edge. “I don’t know actually. I mean…”
“Madison, you can tell me whatever is going on.”
I swallow and think for a moment. “You’re right. I know I can. I just… I’ve gotten involved with an older man.”
Zoe’s eyebrows rise slightly, but I don’t sense any judgment from her other than that. Samson noses at Zoe’s lap, and she absentmindedly pets him.
“How did it start?”
“It started because…” I can’t tell how the relationship really started, because then Zoe will figure out who it is. So, I just make something up instead. “We kind of ran into each other. And he liked Samson. We talked for a little bit, and something…clicked.”
“How much older are we talking?”
“Like twenty years.” I wince as I say it. The number sounds smaller when it’s just in my mind. Out loud, it sounds enormous.
“And does he know how old you are?”
“Yeah, it…kind of came up.”
“Okay, so you met this guy. What’s his name?”
“Um, I’d rather not say. I don’t know who you might know, and… ”
“It’s okay. I don’t need to know who he is. I get it. Okay, so you met this guy, whose name remains unsaid. And then…you talked to him. I mean, I have lots of conversations with guys who are my age or older or younger. That’s not something worth keeping a secret unless something else happened.”
I take a sip of my tea. How can I phrase this?
Zoe does the phrasing for me. “Did you…sleep with him?”
“Yes, kind of multiple times. And…” I can’t keep the silly grin off my face.
“It was good. Like he knows what he’s doing.”
Zoe chuckles a little. “Okay, so he’s good in bed. Is that why you’ve been absent from our meetings recently? You’ve been busy with him? Or has he tried to keep you from hanging out with us?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. I mean, part of it is these dogs. If they don’t get their exercise in the evening, I won’t sleep that night. They have too much energy and start scratching something. It’s… They’re a lot.”
Zoe glances at Bigfoot and Bella and nods. “I can see that. I don’t know how you even keep them straight. They look exactly the same.”
“Anyway, yeah, we’ve started kind of hanging out sometimes.”
“So, it’s more than just sleeping together?”
“Not… I don’t know. It’s okay…. How do I explain this? It’s like I feel like I actually have feelings for him, but I know that we can’t…er shouldn’t be together.”
“So then why don’t you break it off now before it’s even harder to do that?” Zoe studies my face and seems to understand a lot more. “I see. You’ve already gotten to the part where it’s hard to break things off. Look, Madison, I know you think you enjoy his company or like…the benefits of being with him. But older guys are trouble. I’m going to ask you the tough questions, yes?”
I nod. I can’t shy away from the truth with Zoe.
“Why is he a certain age and not in a steady relationship with someone his own age? What are the older, wiser women seeing and avoiding in him that you haven’t seen yet?”
Her words physically hurt me, because I don’t like thinking about it. Am I really missing something so obvious to everyone else?
Based on the fact that he thought I was a hired companion, it probably means he hasn’t been in a serious relationship for a long time. I could ask him about other relationships, but would he tell me the truth? Why am I questioning him so much?
“I’m so…happy right now. I’m really enjoying what we have. I don’t know that I want to break it off.”
“Did you call me for advice or just to talk about it?”
“Actually, you texted me.”
“Because I’m worried about you. You’re always there when we have meetings. And Aurora was upset when you didn’t show.”
I make a face. “Yeah, she came by and told me about it. Mia came too. It was like some sort of reckoning.”
“You know how she is.”
“Oh, I know Aurora. Too well, actually.”
We sit in silence for a moment. Samson has firmly settled against Zoe’s legs, and I feel like my dog has betrayed me as I take a long sip of tea.
“Look, Madison, I’m not going to tell you what to do. You know I never do that. I try not to be too bossy.”
“We have enough bossiness in our group. ”
Zoe smiles at my remark, but I can tell that she’s still worried about me. “Yes, we do. But my point is that I think you should break things off with this older man, whoever he is. I don’t want you to get into a situation where you feel like you can’t. But even if you choose not to, you should know that I’m here for you.”
Her words hit me hard, and I look away, annoyed that a couple of tears want to bubble up and run free. Where did those come from? I’m not a crier, but this is the most difficult situation I’ve ever been in.
I feel like I’m either lying to my friends or ignoring what I want. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
“Anyway, thanks for coming over, Zoe. You know that none of us would be the same people we are today if it weren’t for you.”
Zoe poses with her hand under her chin and smiles. “Well, thank you, darling.” She drops the silly pose. “You know that I care about you a lot. I want you to get your surf school and be able to get rid of crazy boarders like those two.” She motions in the direction of Bella and Bigfoot.
“I wish. But I just don’t know how possible that’s going to happen.” I think about Ethan. I bet if I asked him for a loan now, he might say yes. But there’s also the other possibility that he won’t and that asking him would ruin the fragile thing we’ve built.
And right now, that feels more important than my dream of a surf school. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up on it. I’m just choosing something else right now.