30. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Juliet
I need someone to talk to.
With two cups of coffee in my hands, I make my way to the cafeteria in the hospital, nodding and smiling at old friends and people I used to work with.
When Frank inevitably passes, I know that I can get my job back here if I ask, but is that the right move for me? Should I go back to what I know or keep venturing down this new path?
I don’t trust my judgment for anything right now, though. That’s why I’m going to enlist the help of a friend.
I sit down at a two-seat table by a window, my foot tapping nervously and impatiently as I wait for Lily to show up. She should be getting on break any minute now .
I check my phone, my thumb automatically tapping on my text conversation with Leo. We haven’t talked since we said goodbye last night.
Well, since he said goodnight and ditched me.
“Thank goodness. I need this.”
I put my phone down as Lily crashes down in the seat across from me and takes a sip of the vanilla latte that I brought her.
“Saving lives?”
Lily shakes her head. “Quiet day so far. Just a broken hand and chest pain that turned out to be acid reflux.”
“Well, you can’t be a hero every day.”
Lily smirks. “What’s going on? Why the emergency coffee meeting?”
Where do I even start?
“I went on a date with Leo last night. Well, not really. But it felt like one,” I blurt out, nervous energy crawling under my skin. I can barely sit still.
This must be how Piper feels .
“Whoa, slow down,” Lily tells me. “Start from the beginning.”
I exhale long and slow, willing my heartbeat to taper down. “Leo and I went out to dinner last night. It was meant to be casual and everything, but it was at an old date spot of ours.”
Her eyebrows lift. “Did he choose that?”
I shake my head with a sheepish look. “I did. I guess I wanted to go down memory lane a little bit.”
Suspicion clouds her expression. “Keep going.”
“So, we go and have a great time,” I tell her. “It kind of feels like old times, but things are obviously very different. We’re not the same people and so much has changed since we dated.”
Lily nods, quietly sipping on her coffee.
Mine goes untouched.
“He takes me back to the house so that I can get my car and go home. We talk for a second outside of his car, and I wait for him to tell me goodnight. ”
“Tell you goodnight or kiss you goodnight?” Lily questions me.
My face warms up. “I don’t know. I was just standing there waiting for him to do something or say something. But all he did was tell me goodnight and walk away.”
Lily taps her fingers against the table as she thinks. “Well, it sounds like you wanted more than that. You sound disappointed.”
I lower my eyes. “I’ve been feeling…”
“Feeling what?”
“Old feelings. New feelings. It’s so confusing,” I sigh, burying my face in my hands.
Lily pries my hands away. “Explain.”
“I feel some of the things that I felt for him in the past. Like I miss him all the time when I’m not around him or I can’t stop myself from staring at him and admiring how handsome he looks,” I say, my cheeks burning hotter.
“And what are the new feelings? ”
“It’s this yearning that I can’t control. I want him,” I tell her, keeping my eyes down. “And I’ve already given in to those feelings.”
She sits up more. “You kissed him?”
I wince a little. “More than that.”
“ Juliet .”
“I know! I didn’t plan it. It just happened,” I defend myself. “I guess we’re still attracted to each other.”
Lily lets out a light laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure. It sounds like you guys have been getting reacquainted with each other.”
“It only happened a few times, and it wasn’t all full out sex,” I mutter, feeling as embarrassed as a teenager getting in trouble with their parents.
“You’re certainly showing restraint,” she teases me. “Let me guess…the sex is even better than it used to be.”
I purse my lips at her, but I can’t bring myself to lie and say no.
“I didn’t bring you here to talk about the details of my sex life,” I tell her pointedly .
We tell each other a lot , but we don’t go out of our way to scar each other.
“Oh, thank goodness.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I sigh, dragging my fingers through my hair. “I can’t think straight when I’m around him. I do stupid things that have consequences.”
Her face softens. “Maybe you should stop fighting how you feel.”
My eyes sharpen. “No, I need to fight how I feel. I want you to convince me to do that because I can’t trust myself.”
Lily leans forward more. “He makes you happy. Don’t you think you deserve to be happy? To let someone love you the way you deserve to be loved?”
“I can’t be with him,” I tell her, hot panic flushing through me.
“You can—”
“I can’t!” I say, my voice coming out sharp. I grimace in regret and shake my head. “I’m sorry. I just…can’t. He’s not staying here, Lily. He’s just going to leave again. ”
She frowns, sympathy pooling in her eyes. “Are you a hundred percent sure about that? What if there’s a chance that he stays?”
“He won’t. He has a whole life in New York City.
His billion dollar company is there, and I’m sure he has a bunch of friends missing him like crazy,” I tell her, my shoulders sagging.
“There’s no way he’d choose us over that.
He worked so hard for his life there. I refuse to ask him to give it up for me. ”
“You can’t be completely sure,” she assures me. “If he chose to stay, would you want to be with him again?”
My heart glows with an immediate answer, but I don’t voice it. I can’t listen to my heart in situations like these. I not only have to protect myself, but I also have to look out for my daughter too.
“It wouldn’t be a good idea,” I say. “I’d just worry about him changing his mind and leaving eventually.”
Lily gently sighs. “You could miss out on something really great if you don’t give him a chance.”
“I’m a mom, Lily,” I remind her. “I have to keep Piper in mind, and I don’t want her to get attached to someone who’s just going to abandon us again. ”
Lily tilts her head at me.
“Abandon me again,” I clarify.
“I know Piper’s dad left you too, but it sounds like Leo has changed,” she says. “Do you think he would be willing to be a dad to Piper?”
My stomach twists and turns as she drops that question on me. She has no idea how fast my heart is racing right now.
She’d probably try to admit me if she found out.
“I…I don’t know,” I tell her, my voice threatening to shake.
I’d love for him to be a dad to Piper, but I don’t know what’s more important to him anymore.
Family or business?
“You should talk to him, Juliet. That’s the only way you’re going to figure out if something real can come from this,” Lily urges me.
I look out of the window, staring at the rest of town without even really processing what my eyes are on. I just keep picturing the heartbreak that could come from me taking a chance like that .
“I’m too scared,” I admit. “When he left the first time…I didn’t know if I was ever going to recover. Maybe part of me still hasn’t.”
Lily reaches across the table and takes both of my hands. “Look at me.”
My eyes shift to hers, my throat growing tight as the fear refuses to leave.
“I know you’re scared. You’ve been heartbroken before. You’re a mom with a child to look out for. I get it,” she says. “But at least think about this for a little bit longer before deciding against it. Think of all the good that could possibly come with this if things did work out.”
I’ve thought of the best possible scenarios.
The ones where we’re a happy family. The ones where he stays in Evergreen Heights and builds a life here that he doesn’t feel like he has to ever run from.
I think about them all the time, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to come true. I used to be an optimist. Now, I have to be a realist.
“I’ll think about it, but I know what I’m probably going to choose. ”
Disappointment crosses her face, but she nods. She took a chance when she got with Jensen, and everything worked out great.
I just don’t think I’ll have the same luck.
Lily releases my hands when her pager goes off. She checks it and sighs. “New admission to the ER. I have to run.”
“Thanks for listening to me vent,” I tell her, giving her a grateful look.
Do I feel better? Not really, but at least I got almost everything off my chest. That’s better than bottling it all up.
“We’ll do it again soon,” she replies and hugs me before taking off.
I sit there and finish my coffee, my eyes skimming over the last messages between Leo and me. They’re just casual texts. Nothing that hints at there being anything more between us.
But I know what I felt last night.
I thought he felt the same way because we were having such a good time together, but I guess I was wrong. Why would he want to stay in his small hometown to get back together with his ex-girlfriend when he has a life of luxury waiting for him in the city?
I’m sure there are plenty of girls lining up to be his girlfriend too.
Not only am I going to lose Leo soon, but I’m also going to lose his dad eventually. And I like Frank now.
How many times am I going to be left behind until I can’t take it anymore?