11. June
June
I’m not sure what’s worse—knowing that something has the potential to be great or realizing it’s never going to happen.
That’s my life. A balancing act of always coming close but never being close enough.
In life. In death. In love.
And aren't they one and the same, really? Love is life, but ultimately ends just like death.
All of the words have been spoken. The feelings have been felt. Nothing is new and fresh, and every bit of it eventually fades into the abyss. Only for the cycle to repeat again and again, claiming anyone who dares gamble the greatest wager of all—their heart.
Bloodied, beaten, shattered—no matter what you do to avoid it from latching hold of you and sinking its vicious claws into your chest and ripping the thing out. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll make it out of it alive, but sometimes, if you do, you’ll have wanted to die anyway.
“June,” Gwyneth says from across the table. “You’ve barely touched your ceviche.”
“Sorry,” I tell her and shovel a bite into my mouth, chewing it with a forced smile on my face. “It’s delicious,” I murmur once I’ve swallowed and patted at my lips like a proper, polite lady.
“As I was saying, I do think you’d adore Italy. The northern coastline is truly magical with its lakes and vineyards. And Treviso is just stunning. Has this old charm to it with the cobbled lanes and canals. Enough about me, though, what have you been up to since we last got together?”
My gaze flits to the man standing post at the far corner of this empty room. Simon’s stare catches mine and he glances away.
“Other than being under constant surveillance?” I nod to the beautiful bodyguard. “I don’t do much with everyone treating me like a child who can’t be left alone.”
Gwyneth tilts her head to the side. “And if you had your freedom, what would you do with it?”
I exhale and ponder her question. “I don’t know. Maybe walk into town on my own. Eat a meal by myself. Go out dancing with my best friend without feeling like I’m the freak who has eyes on her at all times.”
"But that's the life you chose, June. For as long as you live, there will never not be someone looking in your direction. Whether they are friend or foe depends on the day."
I sip my water and focus on the droplets that roll down the side of the glass. “I’m being selfish, I understand.”
Gwyneth shakes her head and holds out her hand. “No, you have every right to be. But things are different now, and I’m not entirely sure if you were aware of those stakes when you sealed your fate.”
“I…” I push around the seafood with my fork. “I think I could deal with that, really, but…”
“Listen,” she continues where I left off.
“I’m going to be honest with you, June. I didn’t think you had it in you.
I had my doubts about what you were capable of.
But seeing you take initiative and attempt to settle the score on your own accord…
I didn’t know whether you were plain foolish or brilliant.
Those men lost their minds, all four of them.
And I’ve never witnessed them care about anyone other than themselves or what kind of advantage they could get.
They would have willingly given up everything they had to see you have one more day. ”
Here I was, risking my life for them to have everything, when they would have given it all up for me.
“Can I tell you a little secret?” Gwyneth leans into the table and lowers her voice. “Just between us girls.”
I nod. “Of course.”
“Up until that very moment, when Simon conceded, he had a strong chance of winning.”
My heart pounds in my chest. “What?”
She smirks and grabs her wine glass. “I didn’t figure you knew.”
“I was told otherwise.”
“I don’t know what the outcome of that day would have been had you not intervened, but I do know this for sure—you’re the one who solidified Dominic’s win.”
I helped him win his fucking war and he repays me by shutting me out?
How is that fair?
“The…what shall I call them? Adjustments. The adjustments that they’re experiencing right now are only the beginning of a much bigger storm that is coming.
Times are changing and pressure is approaching from each direction.
It’s part of the reason I made the decision to leave when I did.
I’m getting too old to handle such situations, and after losing Franklin, it made me realize how much of my life it had consumed.
He wasn’t always a ruthless man, my Franklin, but his ambition and greed got the best of him and turned him into the monster he was when he died.
Dominic didn’t just take over the entire enterprise, he inherited all of its enemies and liabilities, all of its demons, too.
There is no escaping for him. Dark days are looming ahead. ”
She says it all with conviction, like there is no avoiding this predestined outcome. That Dominic no longer has a say in the matter except to accept that he will succumb to the darkness that is waiting for him.
How can I sit back and let that happen?
But how can I do anything when he refuses to let me in?
I guess I’ll find out tomorrow during our one-on-one time. I will make him talk to me even if it means sacrificing a time that was meant to be romantic, to bring us closer when we’ve never felt further apart.
“I believe in him,” I tell her.
She nods. “I know you do, and maybe that will be his saving grace.”
A waiter comes out to take our plates and make room for our next course.
“Thank you,” I say while he avoids making direct eye contact.
Does he know who she is? Does he know who the man standing near the door is? Does he know who I am—and the men I surround myself with? Is this what it means to be with them? A threat by association?
“Your studies have concluded?” Gwyneth asks me.
“Yes, a while back, actually.”
“I see. And what do you intend on doing now that you’ve finished?” She takes another drink of her wine—so ladylike and pretentious.
Just drink the fucking wine already.
Another waiter brings our dishes but as he walks away, I catch his forearm. “Can I get a bourbon, neat, whatever you have back there?”
“That sounds delightful, I’ll have the same,” she chimes in.
A whistle sounds from across the way. Simon waves the waiter over to him. They exchange a few words that I can’t quite make out.
“I’m sure he’s just insisting he get you the best or he’ll end his life.” Gwyneth winks at me. “That one…he’s always been a wild card, but with you, he’s different.”
“How so?” I ask her even though I know I shouldn’t. I should let it go and avert the conversation back to her trip to Ireland or Finland or wherever the fuck she went.
Italy. That’s right, it was Italy. Silly me.
"Well, for starters, he quite literally gave up his ambitions for you to become a glorified babysitter."
I chuckle. “That’s exactly what I said.”
She smiles, too. “Although, I don’t think he quite minds.”
"He claims he doesn't." I steal a glance at him and sure enough, he's staring directly at me. I shift my gaze behind me just to confirm there isn't something else he's looking at. There isn't.
She keeps her voice lower than it was before. “Simon was born into this life. It’s all he’s known. But after what happened with his sister, nothing was ever really the same.”
“His sister?”
“Tragic accident. They were at the lake, the two of them. She fell in, hit her head under the dock, drowned. Simon went in after her, almost drowned, too. A fisherman pulled him out of the water.”
My heart breaks at remembering him tell me he was afraid of water, that he couldn’t swim. It’s no wonder he has reoccurring nightmares of drowning.
"Anyway, he went from being a loving and sweet child to this closed-off boy I no longer recognized.
He was consumed by his dreams of taking over the company.
Rose through the ranks quicker than most. But Dom always stood in the way.
He had more years, more experience. Dom was always going to be next in line—that's what Franklin had put in place.
Didn't trust Simon's new-age antics. Thought he'd never cut it.
But when Frank died, it opened up that opportunity for Simon to prove to the council that he had what it took.
And I'll be damned, the kid nearly pulled it off.
If it weren't for you, he very well could have. "
In helping Dominic win, I caused Simon to lose.
Both men were deserving, but one of them already had my heart.
Had I not interfered, maybe it would be Simon in Dom's place, but then what would have become of Dom, and what would have happened with me? Would Simon have let the guys walk away? And what would he have done with me? It’s clear he’s obsessed, but where would that line have been drawn if he was the one in control?
I guess we’ll never find out because I did step in and threaten Simon’s life with that blade from Gwyneth’s office. Only, isn’t that what she wanted me to do all along?
In the various instances where she and I have gotten together for these occasional chats, I’ve never asked her about that day. But the more I learn about these men and the layers of this world I uncover, revealing the truth has never been more appealing.
“Was it a test?” I ask her.
“What do you think?” She doesn’t bother pretending like she doesn’t know what I’m referring to.
“I think…” I fiddle with one of the many spoons in my place setting.
Whoever thought someone needed this many utensils clearly never did the dishes a day in their life.
“It was,” I continue. “I think you wanted to see what I’d be willing to do for them, and if I had what it took to take risks, to put myself on the line, and how far I’d take it.
You brought me into that room for a reason and dangled that dagger right in my line of sight.
And I think you wanted to see how they would react to me taking that risk.
You weren’t just testing me, you were testing them, too. ”
"Sounds like you're pretty confident in your reasoning." Gwyneth picks up the glass the waiter sets down in front of her, and she holds it out toward me. "To taking risks."
I raise mine in the air. “And to them paying off.”
But did they, really? Maybe for Dominic, but it’s obvious Magnus is caught in the middle of this back and forth, and poor Simon had his life completely ripped to shreds when I poised that dagger to his chest. Even Coen is more flustered than usual.
And here I am, wondering where things went wrong and why none of my men want to tell me the truth about a Goddamn thing.
I sip the amber liquid and savor the expensive taste. “Was I right?” I ask her.
“Well, you sure weren’t wrong.”
Her strangely deceptive answer causes my head to spin at the other possibilities I may have left out. What other reason would she have had for leading me to that weapon? Unless…
Unless she wanted to eliminate me.
That house had rules, and it was a violence-free zone.
The use of such weapons was prohibited. Maybe in bringing me in there, she wanted to see how stupid I really was.
To see if I was capable of following orders and doing what was expected of me.
And if I didn't, she was within her right to have me killed.
To make sure that the guys weren't distracted by some random female.
I had already caused them to have a few mishaps, and with me in the picture, their work wouldn't be their constant priority.
But maybe Simon really was the wildcard, and his actions were the only thing that stopped her from following through with her diabolical plan.
But, like anything else in my life, I’ll never know the truth—her lips are just as sealed as Dominic’s are.
“Do you have what it takes, June?”
“Excuse me?”
“To make this work.” Her menacing stare goes right through me.
Do I? I thought I did, but with all of the secrets, I’m not so sure.
I can’t force them to be honest with me, and the more they push me away the harder it makes things.
I can’t build a bridge with only half of the supplies.
And until they decide to bring me into the fold, my doubts will only continue to fester.
“Do you?” I ask her.
“I guess we’ll find out.”