25
CLARITY
I think I've made a mistake. A terrible mistake.
I haven't seen or talked to Olias for a week. He stopped trying to contact me three days ago. My phone hasn't rung, and texts haven't come through.
I've messed up and don't think I can fix what I've broken.
Christmas is tomorrow, and I've never been in this much of a Grinch mood during the holidays. I guess I’m the grump now.
Staring at the front door of my old house, I pause. I don't even know why I'm here.
It's vacant, of course. I wonder if they cleaned anything in it. Yellow police tape blocks the front door, but I ignore it, using the spare key inside the broken wood on the porch to unlock it.
It's been so long since I've seen the inside—four months, I think, maybe more—and it looks just like it did when Mom kicked me out.
Trashed.
I switch on the light in the living room and scan the garbage everywhere, fighting the urge to clean it.
It reminds me of the first time I saw Olias room. It wasn't good, but I knew he needed help. And I was willing to give it to him. It was worth touching his moldy food on the bedside table after seeing the smile on his face when he walked in.
I make my way upstairs, stopping by the bathroom. I heard it was where they found my mom. I've always found her in the bathroom, sometimes as well—only, conscious, that is.
Swallowing, I lower my head and walk down the hall to my room, seeing the wooden Clarity sign I hung up when I was younger.
The door is already open, so I scan my old bedroom.
I miss it—having a space of my own.
Walking to my desk, I see my favorite books stacked in a small pile. Beside them is my journal, sitting in the last place I remember it being. I started writing journals when my dad left; it was a way of coping, I guess.
My phone dings, and I jump, just like every time my phone dings now. The possibility of it being Olias.
But it's just Natalie.
Nat : Where’d you go? I'm making dinner, you want a plate? The only correct answer is yes.
I tap my finger against the side of the phone before answering.
Me : I'll be back later, save me some?
She responds with a thumbs-up emoji, and I slip my phone back in my pants pocket. Picking up my journal and walking to my bed, I plop down. Nervousness travels down my spine for some reason. I haven't read these in so long.
A beaten-up bear sits beside me. One I've had for as long as I can remember. I take it, hugging it as I open my journal.
It seems to be one of my older ones. The year on the front page is 2014 . I was around twelve then.
Dear future husband—
I smile at the start of the letter. It was inspired by a song I was obsessed with for a few months then.
—I wonder, if I ever meet you, that you find this letter when we're happily in love with two kids. A boy and a girl. It completes the family. I hope you're just like the nice book boys I've read before. It's not much I ask for, besides our wedding to be in a cozy bookstore and to speak nice words to me. I've always heard from people that I am easy to make happy. When she was still herself, Mom had once told me that I'd know I had found my future husband when I couldn't imagine my life without them. It makes me wonder if Future Me is in love, and if she is, I am so happy for her for making my wish come true. Thank you, future husband, for making Big Clarity finally happy—
Blinking, tears release from my eye, dropping on the next word. I shut the book, unable to read further due to the swelling of my eyes and blurry vision. These are simple words from a child, yet they impact me harder than a rock can.
I was happy, Baby Clarity.
I was so happy with him—Olias Grey. He was— is the best person I've ever met. My favorite human.
I don't know what I was thinking, pushing him away from me after what happened on the phone. Olias wouldn't do that to me; at least, I hope he wouldn't. I thought he was lying about not kissing that woman, but nothing in my brain other than past experience supporting my doubt.
Yes, after three days of crying myself to sleep because of my haunting, self-diminishing thoughts, I finally got up to call Olias to tell him I was sorry. But he hadn't answered.
He hadn't answered, and he hadn't answered since.
Now holding my phone in my hand, my knees to my mouth along with my childhood bear, I hover my thumb over his changed contact name: Olias.
I tap it. My heartbeat races at the thought of hearing his soothing voice just once more.
But the beat nearly cuts completely when the voicemail picks up.
Dropping my phone on the bed, I tighten my arms around my knees.
Maybe he's sleeping? It is midnight after all... but then again, he's never slept at this time before with me.
He's given up on me already, hasn't he? And it's entirely my fault for giving up first.
Falling to my side, sobs leave my throat. My chest is shaking, burning from cries.
Maybe Natalie's right, maybe college is my last option.
There's nothing here for me, not even Olias anymore.
OLIAS
Three Days Earlier
I knock on the door.
Please be the right Goddamn apartment.
I've knocked on twenty-nine doors, received twenty-nine different looks, and replied with twenty-nine different sorrys.
It's nearly three in the morning, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to go find her. Three days without hearing from Clarity feels like fucking hell. I thought she would've come back, and I could explain, but she hadn't. One minute is all I ask for from her, to tell her what happened.
The door opens, and a long sigh of relief leaves me when I see Natalie open the door. I remembered Clarity saying where Natalie lived in one of her rants, but not the door number. This has to be where she is. With her best friend.
Her eyes widen and then squint. She was asleep. "Olias?"
"Is Clarity here?" I ask, fidgeting my hands awkwardly.
"Uhhh..." she twists her lips, looking behind her, not knowing what to say I assume. "No."
I lower my eyes. "Don't fucking lie to me. I know she's here; she has to be."
She groans. "Shh! Okay, fine. She's here, but she's asleep, and you can't see her."
She starts to close the door, but I jam my shoe in between it. "Natalie, you know damn well I didn't cheat on Clarity." The words leave through my teeth in a hiss.
Her curls lay across her shoulders. She brushes a few behind her ear. "I know you didn't. I haven't seen someone love another as you love her." Words hushed.
I pause. She believes me. "So let me in, let me explain. She has to understand what happened."
"She understands it, Olias. She knows."
I try to understand what she's saying, but I don't. I shake my head. "Then why is she not answering me then? I've called her every hour!"
She puts her finger up, hushing me. "Calm your tits, or I'll cut your foot off and shut the door." Opening the door wider, she steps out into the hallway with socks on her feet. "She got accepted into university."
The corner of my lip flinches. "That's great, but what does that have to do with her pushing me away?"
A worried look pulls Natalie's face down. " One college, Olias. She got into one. UCLA."
University of California, Los Angeles, is a 40-hour drive away and a six-hour plane ride away from here—from me.
I shake my head. "What about NYU? I thought she was going with you there?"
"They hadn't accepted her. Neither did Cornell, maybe because of the small gap she took after high school. I don't know their reasoning, but it happens. The best students can get declined. But UCLA took her."
"No, she can't go." The words felt wrong to say, leaving my lips.
"You can't do that, Olias," Natalie sighs, gripping my shoulder. "You can't tell her to stay. It's not fair. The moment she sees you, the moment you guys get back together, she'll completely scrap UCLA as a possibility."
"She can apply to a college around here—"
"And trash the college she'd get the best education from? She deserves this program, Olias, do you even hear yourself? UCLA will give her the dream she's had since forever. She talks about being a pediatrician more than a baby talks about candy. She wants this more than anything. But she loves you more than she loves herself . And for her, that tops everything. Even her career."
My eyes start to burn. Head swaying side to side. "I can't, Natalie. I can't let her leave me." My words crack as I drop my head, my face twisting with a sob. I don't think I've cried over someone as much as I cried over Clarity.
She awes softly, rubbing my shoulder. "It'll be okay, Chico . Don't cry. Clarity tears have surrounded me for days."
And for the first time, I find myself dropping my head into someone else besides Clarity. Hugging someone else besides Clarity. Crying on someone else besides Clarity.
Maybe it's because she's gay. I don't know, but right now she's my only friend.
"What do I do?" The words break up, barely leaving my throat.
She rubs my back awkwardly. "Stop trying to get in touch with her? If there's even a slither of hope you two can stay together, she's not going anywhere. She won't leave you, Olias. She's not strong enough for that. Do you understand?"
I lift my head, nodding.
She sighs. "She's gone from that ass-hat ex-boyfriend her entire life to you. She doesn't know how to be on her own. She doesn't know how to not have a guy at her side, good or bad."
She's right. No matter how much I want to disagree with her, I can't. I've had some college years of figuring myself out, been with girls, done many things, and made many of my own mistakes before meeting Clarity. Yet she's done little to nothing.
I've lived my life, and now it's time for her to live hers alone.
I can go with her to California, but I'd have to leave my business behind as well, and she wouldn't want me to do that. Neither should I want her to leave her education behind for me. I can't be selfish, not with her.
I pull away from Natalie’s shoulder, and she smiles sadly, her eyes swelling with tears. "On the bright side," she sniffles. "She'll come back to us in a few years."
Us. She's leaving Natalie too. Not only me.
"You think?" I huff. "That's a long fucking time. What if she finds new people?"
She shrugs, her eyes turning red, dropping her gaze to the floor. "And that's okay. She deserves more great friends than just me. But you ," she points to me, "she's never getting over you. I guarantee it."
"You don't know that. She's amazing, and college guys are horny fucks. I’d know."
She muffles her laugh with her hand. "Trust me, in four years, that girl will be back and looking for you ."
"And I'll be there waiting for her."
He pushes my shoulder playfully. "You better. Or you'll still be put on my hit list."
Surprisingly, a half-smile rises on my lips. Then, it drops as a question surfaces. “Can I see her?"
Natalie raises an eyebrow. "Olias, did we not just establish—"
"For a minute, before I go. I need to see my girl, just once."
She sighs, pushing her door open, "Okay, be quiet. She’s sleeping."
It's a good thing she sleeps like a hibernating bear.
Walking inside, Natalie guides me through the house, using her phone flashlight to illuminate the floor in front of us. She then stops at a door.
She turns to me, holding up a finger. " One minute."
I nod, and she opens the door. Walking into the room, a bed sits in the corner. I pause, seeing the curved lump of Clarity's body. My heart hurts just knowing I can't wake her up to hear her voice, to say sorry, to kiss her, or to get one of those hugs she loves giving me.
Taking a step forward and around the bed to see her face in the faint glow of the moon through the window, a wrinkle is carved into her forehead.
A frown on her sleeping face. Because of me.
Kneeling down on the floor, I slide my gaze across her face, taking her in for as long as I can. I trace the perfect curve of her chin, the two freckles on her nose, and the prominent jawline—even the pretty eyelashes on her lids. I wish I could see her brown eyes. Just once.
Raising my finger, I softly push a strand of hair from her face. Her nose wrinkles and I worry she might wake up, but her quiet snore proceeds.
"I love you," I whisper, tilting my head. "I love you enough to want this for you. Enough to let you go." I twist my nose with a sniffle. "I'll never be like him, I promise you, my sweet girl." Leaning over her, I place a soft kiss on the side of her head, so soft it barely connects with her skin.
A tear drops from my eye as I lean back, and I make it a task not to let out a cry. So, before I manage to fuck shit up for her, I decide to stand up, taking slow steps back towards the door. Natalie stands leaning against the wall as I silently shut the door.
She sticks her phone out at me. "My number. I'll update you on her whenever you want. For as long as she stays my friend, at least."
I take her phone, exchange numbers, and nod. I walk back to the door and exit the apartment. Natalie stops me, a smile on her face.
My brows meet. "What?"
She shakes her head. "I didn't think you had the guts to do that—to leave for her. I envy you guys love."
"Just shut up," I say, wiping my eyes clean.
She throws her head back and silently laughs. "You have to work on your people skills. If that was your way of saying, 'Stop it, Natalie, you'll find a girl to share love like ours with, ' thank you."
Yes, that's what I meant, I guess
Before I leave, I look down at my hand, brushing her words off.
I gaze at the red ring on my finger and pull it off, handing it to Natalie. "Can you give this to her for me?"