Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
I find my friends wandering the market, helping Miko get some basic gear.
It’s a little difficult to choose the right items because no one is exactly sure how switching deities works.
Does she stay the same class, or will Dionysus choose another for her?
The temple here is closed for market day, so she likely won’t know anything for a while.
When I find them, Miko is trying on cloaks. This is probably the smartest use of funds because just as I arrive, tiny snowflakes descend lazily from the clouds above.
“Winter is coming,” I greet my companions, using my best Eddard Stark imitation.
“Yeah, no kidding,” Cait says as she catches a few in her hand.
Tara tilts her chin up and sticks her tongue out. It’s so childlike, so opposite of the shrewd rogue I know.
“Cheeses of Nazareth,” Cait says with a sigh. “Don’t eat the snow! That’s so gross!”
I laugh. “Did you just say, ‘Cheeses of Nazareth?’”
Cait crosses her arms and glares at me. “Yes, there are some ways to express surprise or frustration without using curse words.”
She’s so fucking cute right now. I wonder if she’s just as adorable when she’s having an—
A scream so shrill and distraught that it immediately wrenches my heart from my chest echoes around the market.
“Here we go,” Guy mutters. “God, I hate this quest.”
King Dardanus, the Greek mythological king whom this city is named after, marches into the middle of the market, dragging his daughter by her golden curls.
He flings her forward, and she slides across the cobbled city square until she collides with a very surprised shopper.
Dardanus has a thin clump of her hair in his grip.
There’s a small bloody mass at one end. I wince. Poor Princess Idaea.
“You’re a stain on my honor, a blight in my lineage!” he yells at his daughter.
“I-I didn’t lie!” she cries out, sobbing and holding the back of her head. “They really did—”
“You dare slander them again? After what you did to them?”
King Dardanus isn’t having any of that. His face is the shadow that looms over you in your nightmares. I can only imagine how terrified Idaea is. How the hell are we supposed to save this woman?
“What did you do when you had this quest?” I ask Guy in a whisper.
“I offered the king a boon from Dionysus to make his vineyards the best in all of Peripeteia,” Guy answers. “The land is really garbage here. He needed fertile ground more than revenge on his daughter.”
“That’s not really something I can do,” I say with a sigh, then turn to the others. “What did you all do?”
“We pretty much all offered boons from our gods,” Sylvia says. “You can only save her by convincing him not to do it, and he only listens to power, so…”
Well, fuck. What kind of boon can I offer from Aphrodite that a king would want? This guy can have any woman he wants simply because he’s rich and rules this kingdom.
Dardanus walks over to a nearby stall that sells weapons.
He grabs what looks like a sledgehammer that’s displayed on the ground beside the merchant’s booth, probably because it’s too heavy to be on a table.
It’s about as tall as our tiny Tara, but somehow the king can swing it forward in an arc, causing the crowd to scream and back away.
“Bear witness to this,” he says with a booming, commanding voice. “I will not suffer traitors, liars, and villains, even if they are my own blood.”
There’s no time to deliberate how best to bargain with Dardanus. I’ll have to wing it.
I dash in front of Princess Idaea and hold up my arms in a pleading gesture. “King Dardanus, in Aphrodite’s name, stop!”
The King’s eyes widen with rage, but he lowers his sledgehammer. “How dare you contest me? I am your king!”
He’s not really my king, but I don’t press the subject. Semantics aren’t helpful in this situation.
“And I am a goddess’s emissary,” I respond. “Do you want to hear what Aphrodite has to say, or do you want to piss off a goddess?”
As a silent moment passes, Dardanus’s wrathful expression shifts in a stony, logical direction. “What does the Goddess of Love want with me?”
“She wants Princess Idaea to find peace in a land far away from your kingdom,” I say, hoping that’s enough to save the damsel in distress.
Dardanus shakes his head. “I am a king first and a man second. I will not neglect my duty to uphold the law and justice. Without that, my kingdom would fall apart, and my citizens would suffer.”
“What if Aphrodite offers you a boon?” I ask.
This catches his attention, and he tilts his head. The strategy my companions all used works well so far, but I still haven’t figured out exactly what my goddess can offer this man.
“What kind of boon?” he asks.
“Um…a boon of love, obviously,” I respond.
Dardanus laughs. It isn’t bitter or derisive. He roars so loud that I feel it vibrate through me. The man is absolutely delighted, entirely amused by my proposal.
“What need have I of love?” he says. “I’ve had more wives than I have money, and each of them has borne me many children. I can’t even afford the love that already waits for my embrace each evening.”
Yeah, this was the reaction I was expecting. But this is the only offering I can make him, as far as I know. So I decide to sell it. One of my skills is Negotiation. Time to use it.
“Yes, but have you ever had love like Aphrodite’s?” I ask.
Now, I mean to say that I can help him feel true love or whatever. Like maybe make his bond with his wives stronger or whatever. By the way Dardanus is smirking at me, though, I feel like he’s interpreted my words quite differently.
“I must admit, I’m tempted by a connection with the goddess,” he says. “I hear a night with her can invigorate a man for the rest of his life.”
Oh, fuck.
“Um, I’m afraid Aphrodite can’t—”
“Dance for me,” the king says, interrupting me.
I stare at him, totally stunned.
“Dance!” he commands.
You know how at homecoming events there were always the people who danced and the people who leaned against the wall wishing they could go home already?
Guess which one I was. But that doesn’t matter right now.
When a man who’s willing to bash his daughter’s head in with a sledgehammer tells you to dance, you fucking dance.
I sway my hips in what I hope is a seductive motion. Dardanus strokes his beard as he studies me. He doesn’t look all that impressed, so I twirl and leap about. My movements are clumsy, and twice I come close to twisting my ankle. The king looks bored now.
My thoughts race through every dance move I’ve ever seen on a TikTok video until I realize what actually might work, and I absolutely hate that this is probably the best choice.
It’s the one dance move I’m good at, and I’ve only ever done it privately because I’m not the kinda girl to do it publicly.
Turning my back to Dardanus, I bend so that my butt is clearly on display, and then I twerk.
I mean, I twerk. I put every bit of effort I have into it, and I can feel my cheeks clapping perfectly.
The benefit of not being a skinny chick is that my ass can do this.
I try not to think about how my friends might react to this.
If I gotta work it to save a princess, I’ll do it.
“Stop!” Dardanus shouts.
I gulp and turn around to face him. This is it. I failed. He’s going to tell me my dance was—
“That was the most alluring dance I’ve ever seen,” he says.
Wow, he really is as perverted as I hoped he was.
“I will let you connect me to Aphrodite,” he says. “Go to my servants. They’ll bathe you and perfume you with my most expensive oils. I expect you naked and in my bedroom by sunset.”
My stomach plummets like an anchor, and I break into a sweat. What the actual fuck? Did I just whore myself out?
“I-I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I say.
“Are you not a Virgin of Aphrodite?” he asks.
“A what?” I look at my title in my menu. Sure enough, it’s changed from Cleric of Aphrodite to Virgin of Aphrodite. Also, my quest log has updated to “Seduce King Dardanus.”
“I’m honored that the Goddess of Love would send one of her virgins to perform a connection rite,” he says. “I will deflower you most tenderly.”
Deflower? I really want to puke. This man, this monster who kills his children, wants to spread my legs open and take my nonexistent virginity. I’m both seething with rage and quaking with fear.
Suddenly, Cait growls and then screams as she charges at Dardanus. “You disgusting old rapist!” she shouts.
King Dardanus growls, causing the shoppers and merchants to scream and run for their lives, clearing the market of everyone except Dardanus, Princess Idaea, and us.
Brandishing her great axe over her head, Cait leaps upward, ready to cleave the top of the king’s skull.
Dardanus dodges out of the way just in time, but that puts him right in the way of an icicle blasting from Guy’s hand.
It slices the king’s cheek. Dardanus winces and presses his finger to the cut, but it hasn’t stopped him.
He glares at Guy and lifts his sledgehammer.
Before he can swing it, however, Sylvia shoots a fire arrow, which pierces the king in the throat.
Dardanus grabs the projectile in his throat, but it’s useless. Not only is he gurgling from the blood gushing out of his mouth and neck, he’s also on fire. He stares at Sylvia as he buckles over and falls to his side. He’s already dead by the time the fire reaches his royal garments.
We have no time to celebrate because his guards, who had been standing sentry at his palace gate, have finally arrived. They’re brandishing spears while getting into formation. There are easily a dozen of them. We’re well and truly fucked.
This doesn’t seem to bother Joshua, who shouts with delight, “Finally! A battle!” Immediately, he gets his fiddle playing what I’m pretty sure is “Kiss with a Fist” by Florence + The Machine.
“Ares, bless my axe!” Cait shouts and fire leaps from its edge. The flame’s light casts a devilish illusion on her face.