Chapter 5
Lex
“I do,” I admit with an urgency that doesn’t fit the moment, but I don’t want Eli to doubt . . . that. Not ever again. “I do,” I repeat and squeeze his hand harder, begging him to let me keep it at that.
Telling someone, anyone, even Eli, about my . . . situation . . . has me rattled, and loosened my tongue more than I’m comfortable with.
“Me too,” he whispers, calming at least part of my anxieties. Though his earnest look and the downturned angle of his brows tells me he understands, just like I do, that nothing is as simple as mutual affection.
“The only thing that’s keeping me together these days is the few texts I let myself send you and the fact that the fans still like me.” There I go, saying too much again.
“You could text more,” he says, and that’s a perfectly aimed arrow to my fucking heart.
“Eli. I wish it was that simple.”
“It could be,” he grumbles, once more hiding his face, looking down at his lap. But at least he doesn’t let go of my hand.
“The only reason I have a job is because of those fans, angel. If anyone finds out about how much I—” Yeah, I should keep that quiet at least. “About us, then I’d lose that too, and I’d never play again.”
“We’re not fucking brothers,” he spits out.
“I know that,” I hurry to agree, and sit up, twisting around so we’re face-to-face, so he can see how much I mean every word. “Vinny knows that, and I think our parents know that, especially Dad.” I can’t bite back the annoyance at the thought of Dad. He’s far too perceptive.
Eli’s soft snort means I finally earn that addictive wash of calm I get whenever he looks at me.
And we stay like that, smiling tentatively, as much as it’s possible in a moment like this, and that’s when I realize.
This is the moment.
The type of moment Dad talks about when he goes too hard on the vodka and starts reminiscing about the good ol’ days.
Of course for me, the moment has absolutely nothing to do with hockey, because I’ve never been one to do things the easy way.
But this is the moment when I have to step up, when I have to take a leap, when I have to decide what’s worth risking and what isn’t.
It’s an easy choice—in theory.
But theories are all we’re living in now.
“I don’t think I can stay away anymore, Eli. Not when we’re finally at a point where it feels like we’re the same. Not when all I want is to kiss you for hours. Not now that I see the evidence of how much I’ve hurt you.”
Eli damn near unhinges his jaw, and stays frozen for long enough that I understand that I’m going to have to keep going. It’s my turn to be brave, fuck it all.
Maybe my words won’t make any sense, maybe I’m going to have to repeat half of it for it to make any sense at all, but I know that if I don’t do this now, I’m going to regret it forever.
“You were already the most important person in my life when I was sixteen, but then I learned what it’s like to live without you.
I learned how much it hurts to hurt you, how hard it’s been to stay away, to keep my distance.
Every time I get to be near you I remember what it felt like, and the pain of walking away has only gotten harder to stomach each time. I’m sorry, Eli.”
I reach up to cup his cheek with my free hand because there’s no way I’m letting go of his hand now.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you when you told me. I . . . I can’t promise to regret it because I still think we needed time to grow up, but please believe me when I tell you it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
I trace the circle of his cheek with my thumb as my heart does its best to try to beat out of my chest.
His eyes move fast, like he’s cataloging a million details in less than a minute, and I can’t know for sure if he’s going to forgive me, if he’s going to give me a chance, but I also know that the only way to know for sure is to let him think it all through.
After an eternity, his eyes still on me, his mouth hardens into a determined line, and he gives a tiny nod that I doubt I’d have noticed if I wasn’t holding his face.
“Can you say it now?” he asks in a whisper. “In the present. Is it real in the present?” The heartbreaking hope I feel is reflected in his eyes. I can’t—won’t lie to him. Not anymore.
“I’m scared,” I confess, my voice just as fragile as his, and I inch a little bit closer to him. “I think it would break me if I get to have you then lose you, or if it comes to a point where I have to choose.”
“You should never have to choose, Lex.” The conviction in his voice is something he didn’t have back then. Hell, I think it’s something he didn’t even have two months ago, but how the hell would I know when exactly he learned his worth?
It all comes back to me being a shit friend.
“I don’t want to.” That’s as much as I can physically allow myself to tell him right now.
“Then don’t. We’ll figure something out.” There isn’t an ounce of na?ve hope in his words, it’s all confidence coupled with a sob before he’s jumping on me, wrapping his arms around my neck like a vise, and burying his face against my shoulder.
Having him in my arms is enough to have my heart slowing down, it’s enough to make me feel like I already won everything that’s worth it, but then he speaks.
“If you’re willing to try,” he whispers in my ear. “Then I’m going to make sure you never have to choose, and that you get everything you’ve ever wanted.”
Whatever words I can think of get stuck behind the rock in my throat. How is it possible for him to be this giving? For him to be willing to fight for me? For him to declare so boldly that he’ll make sure I get everything I want?
I know damn well I’ve never done anything great enough to deserve this, to deserve him.
I love him, that’s just obvious and something I wish I could tell him. But despite this being a moment, I know it’s not the moment for that.
I don’t want to tell him when we’re full of fear and uncertainty—yeah, I am more than him, but there’s still so much up in the air, it feels fragile.
We live on opposite sides of the damn continent, and the whole country thinks of us as brothers. I can’t afford a scandal, I’m living on borrowed time as it is.
“Eli.” I finally find my voice, but then he silences me again, pulling his face away from my neck. I can tell he’s thinking about it, going for it, and once more I have to break our hearts. “No, Eli. Please don’t.” I choke out the words, my eyes watering already from having to say it.
“Why?” he whispers desperately, fisting my shirt on my shoulders and shaking me as much as he can. “Why won’t you let us have this?”
“Because it would be a lie!” I snap. “Because we’d have to hide and lie to people. We’d have to pretend, and I don’t want that for you, for me, for us.” Suddenly I need air, I need space, I need—
As gently as I can, I pick him up by the waist and put him back down on the couch next to me, then stand and pace to the window and back. The loss of contact hits me immediately, it’s a type of grief that never gets easier.
His eyes are no longer full of tears, no, they’re running down his cheeks as he looks up at me with confusion and pure pain.
I hate this, I hate this so fucking much, but it’s just one of the reasons why I put distance between us in the first place.
“The last thing I want is to have to lie about another thing. I promise I’m not going to lie to you, I promise I’ll text more, we’ll do video calls, I’ll send you tickets to every game I have on the East Coast if you want,” I beg.
“The way things are now, Eli, they would crucify us if people found out we’re together.
They’d make a show of it and call us deviants or worse.
You are so good and you don’t fucking deserve that.
So no,” I conclude finally, stopping right in front of him.
“I won’t let our first kiss happen when I’m not allowed to keep kissing you for as long as I want. ”
The tears have stopped, thank all the gods, but he’s still looking up at me like I killed his puppy, and I’m weak.
I just did the hardest thing I’ve ever done since I swallowed back an “I love you” after telling him I was moving all those years ago, and now I have no strength left.
I fear for what we’ll become if he tries to convince me.
Just one word out of him would—
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I ask, maybe a bit too loudly, but I’m fucking surprised, relieved, and disappointed all at the same time.
“I know you, Lex,” he says simply and shrugs. “I know you’re telling me the truth now, not like last time. I even kind of like the fact that you’re so against us hiding, but I’m also scared.”
Hearing that takes all the fight out of me.
I stay right where I’m standing even though my knees want to give out.
“What are you scared of?” I ask quietly, trying to move this conversation along.
“I’m scared that it’ll never happen. I’m scared that you’ll find someone who you can actually be with. I’m scared that you’re going to stay on this fucking team forever and—”
“Hey, hey, no.”
My knees finally give out, but at least it’s on the spot so I’m still not right on him.
“Angel, I’ve never wanted to be with someone the way I want to be with you.
I’ve kissed other guys, but it was always just blegh, and I’m pretty sure I’m demi anyway, because the one time I had sex with someone, all I could think about was you.
” I clamp my mouth shut before I confess that I had to think about him in order to get hard. That would be too much I think.
He wrings his hands, twisting his fingers in odd angles the way he always does when he feels he needs to control himself. I want to take his hands more than I want my next breath, but everything I said is still true.
“I can waive my no-trade clause,” I blurt out after a second.
“I can make sure that I’ll only waive it if they trade me to a team on the East Coast.” I have to wince at an intrusive thought.
“Okay, some teams on the East Coast. There are one or two that I’d have an even worse time at considering the slurs they always throw at me whenever we play them. ”
“Yeah, no!” he shouts, like he’s coming back to life, and straightens in his seat. His wide eyes keep me captive. “We can work on . . . on changing how they see us. Your fans, our family. I can be more active on social media, make sure I never say you’re my brother, or anything like that.”
“Do you really think that could work?” Skepticism and hope don’t mix well normally, but right now those are all I have.
“We can try.” He shrugs adorably, and that’s all I need.
“We should try.” I nod quickly. “We have to try, angel.”
During the game, my hope wins out.
There’s something about knowing Eli’s watching that always makes me play better. I know it’s not his actual presence but more the way I feel about his presence, and it’s pretty obvious.
I played well against New York when he was there on Monday, and today I played just as well. Even got another hat trick added to my record.
But the fact is, Buffalo is a way worse team than the Demons. Neither of them are exactly elite, but we’re more evenly matched with the Demons, so we get the win.
After the interviews, after the fastest shower known to man, I find Eli waiting for me in the very small visiting-team family room.
I rush to him, determined to spend every second of the few minutes I have before I need to walk out to the bus hugging, but Eli clearly has other plans. He pulls back, pushes gently on my chest and stares determinedly up at me.
“I’m going to call the pilot so we can fly home tonight,” he says.
My heart breaks, yet a-fucking-gain. “But you should use the suite so you don’t have to room with any of them.
And any time you ever want a room to yourself, you get it, okay?
I know they’re assholes, but they’re paying you incredibly well, and you have that Nike money now, so you get yourself whatever you need when you’re on the road.
I’ll find out if you don’t because you’re going to be texting me constantly from now on, right?
And if you do want to talk about . . . everything with Tucker then I’ll send you his contact info, okay? ”
“Okay, okay,” I whisper and comb down his hair, trying to get him to stop worrying about me, even though I know I have a very slim chance of achieving that.
He pulls me back to him, with more strength than I thought he had, and squeezes my shoulders like he’s as scared of letting go as I am.
But then . . . our minutes are up.
“They’re heading over.” Austin’s voice sounds suddenly from behind Eli, and I hadn’t even realized he was in the room.
I let myself have it for five more seconds.
One step back, one long glance to memorize a face that I already know better than my own, one smile, and then I’m gone.
As always, no one speaks to me on the drive to the hotel, no one asks me where I was all day, why I didn’t join them on their hunt for a good open restaurant, no one asks me who I’m talking to on the elevator ride up, or why I don’t get off on the team’s floor.
I pretend it doesn’t matter when I get Eli’s text that he and Austin are back in the city. I pretend it’s all fine when I force myself to sleep.
More than fifteen hours later, I’m still pretending.
Lex:
Just got home.
Eli:
Did you have a good flight?
Lex:
Sure. Nothing exciting, so that’s perfect for me. I’m going to go see Dad.
Eli:
Tell him hi from me, and I hope you get to rest. No practice tomorrow, right?
God, it does things to me when he says shit like that, when I’m faced with irrefutable evidence of how much he cares about me.
And now I’m going to have to survive every day like this, since I made him a promise, and I’m not about to break it.
Lex:
No, I have all day to myself.
We sign off on a promise to catch up later tonight, since he has to go to the office, and I . . . can’t stand it anymore.
Yeah, I’m not going to have to see any of those assholes today or tomorrow, but what about after?
Am I really going to just keep taking it on the chin?
No.
I’m not.
With that in mind, I call Patrick, my agent, and get to work on that plan to get me the fuck away from the LA Empire.
Maybe I won’t go visit Dad today after all, because the last thing I need is to break yet another person’s heart.