Chapter 11
Lex
My restraint has been strong for years—for a decade, for fuck’s sake—but it broke like a skinny twig at one soft smile of glossy lips from Eli.
The skirt also helped.
I’d like to think it was more the look of contentment on Eli’s face, followed by his simple delight at seeing me. It made me feel ten feet tall and two feet tall at the same time.
On the one hand, he loves me. He, for some unknown reason, has thought of me as deserving of his love and friendship from the moment we met.
Then there’s the reality that I’m a big enough piece of shit to have denied him, to have literally rejected him.
Looking back, I can see that although I thought myself so very mature, I was also just a kid back then.
I was scared, and I do think I had a reason to be scared, but those reasons have started to matter less and less.
And so I broke.
I don’t regret the kiss, or the chaos with Hawk after.
I can’t, because Eli looked so full of life and mischief when Mom gave him Hawk’s phone.
It was objectively hilarious, even if I don’t want to know why Derek in particular was so panicked—I know why, but I don’t want to, and by the reluctantly amused smirks on the rest of our family’s faces, I’m not alone there either.
Now, hours later, the lip gloss is gone.
It was partially gone after the best kiss of my life, but dinner and a couple of cups of eggnog made it disappear completely.
Eli’s beauty shines on, though.
His smile is a soft gift in the low light of the fireplace and the twinkling lights of the tree. He hugs Michael good night, then goes around the room one by one when it’s declared unanimously that it’s time for bed.
“We need to go to sleep so Santa can come!” No one groans or scoffs at Dad’s excited declaration.
Christmas has been a huge thing for him since he met Mom about a million years ago.
He made Christmas magic for us when we were kids, and was more heartbroken when we found out than we were, so we let him have his fun.
In the past couple of years, Ally has joined forces with him, and now they take their sneaking around to put presents under the tree very seriously.
She’s good for him, melts him in a way Mom never did. I can see that now, and it’s only made me more grateful for Michael and everything his love for Mom changed for us.
This melancholy feeling isn’t something I’m used to, but I suppose it makes sense, seeing everything that’s going on in my life right smack in the middle of the holiday season. It seems like a perfect storm, ripe ground for all types of feelings.
Whatever the reason, the veil is gone—the one I used to analyze Eli’s beauty in a detached way that helped me get through each day—and there’s no way I can ever be normal about him again.
Throughout dinner, then playing board games in the family room, I couldn’t take my eyes off him for more than a few seconds at a time. It’s no wonder I lost every single game, or that I can’t muster up any feelings for those losses—good or bad.
After my own round of hugs, I follow Eli to the stairs and see everyone else walk back to the elevator, so it’s just the two of us after a night surrounded by family.
Even with that first kiss behind us, it’s the moment Eli opens his bedroom door and looks back at me, as if waiting for me to protest, that I make my choice, and I know there’s no going back. It’s stupid to think I ever wanted to avoid this.
Wordlessly, I follow him to the bathroom, gently spin him by the counter, then grab the back of his thighs to lift him onto it.
“Oh,” he says softly, gripping my shoulders hard in surprise.
I look around and find the little stack of reusable cloth wipes next to the gentle scrub from Mom’s brand.
I use it too, because hockey player or not, you can’t grow up with a supermodel as a mom without learning how to take care of your skin.
I stay silent as I reach for everything and then take the now-damp cloth to gently clean Eli’s face. He closes his eyes without me having to ask, and it takes some time to get all the makeup off, but he lets me fumble a bit with this new step.
After having to use another wipe, I reach for the moisturizer.
Eli’s bright blue eyes pin me in place when I look back at him, and there’s so much love, so much hope in them, it flattens me.
“Let me,” he whispers.
A moment later he’s repeating all the steps on my face, and though it goes faster, it feels incredible, just having him touch my face, care for me.
Then I set up his toothbrush for him, and when we’re done, I have to swallow hard to keep the excitement out of my voice.
I never want him to feel pressured to do anything.
“Do you want to shower?”
“In the morning,” he says, his smile absent of nerves even when he reaches for his shirt and pulls it off effortlessly.
I use the fraction of a second where his face is hidden to suck in a fortifying breath, then reach for my shirt too.
He’s standing there in very short, black briefs before I can unbutton my jeans, and I freeze.
His shoulders and arms have always been visibly strong, but his legs, god those thick thighs make me think of only bad things.
“Okay then,” he says, a laugh stuck in his voice.
I jump a little in place, coming out of my trance suddenly when he reaches for the button of my jeans himself and then drops to his knees when he pulls them down.
His skirt is pooled on the floor behind him, I realize. I guess he took that off. Yeah, no duh, Alexei. I have to swallow hard again, because the picture he makes is probably the sexiest thing in existence, and I lift one foot, then the other.
He takes off my socks, which I find strangely very endearing, and then he’s pulling me out of the bathroom to the bed, pushing me gently to sit on the edge.
I have to speak up when he reaches for the elastic band of his briefs.
“Eli, we don’t—”
“I want to see you, Lex,” he interrupts, his eyes earnest and needy.
That’s it for me, folks.
“I want to touch you,” he continues. “Do you want to see me? Touch me?”
“Yes,” I answer, fast and without hesitation.
That soft, tender smile graces his lips again, and as he leans in, I tilt my head down. Being this tall means even sitting down I’m still looming over him.
The kiss is as soft as before, and feels like coming home in a way I can’t process right now, but Eli pulls back before I can deepen it this time, and takes one tiny step back then shoves down his briefs.
He’s already hard, something I was trying not to focus on too much, because I am too, but now I can only focus on that, on him.
Even when he comes closer, tugs on my own briefs, I can only go limp for him and stare.
Of course I want to touch, I always have, but I’ve never been able to—or let myself—just look at him.
“You really are an angel.”
Soft words are all I’m good for as he takes his time staring at me too.
I have nothing to be self-conscious about, rationally I know that, but this is still Eli, this is still the only person who’s ever made me feel like my blood’s on fire.
He is the only person I’ve ever wanted to look good for.
“You’re perfect,” I blurt out, knowing that just lying there staring up at him and saying sappy shit probably isn’t the best look for me, but it’s what I’ve got. I’ll flex my arms or abs for him later. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, Eli. Ever.”
“Lex,” he says, his voice half choked.
“Really, Eli. I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you, but we can go slow, right? I know everything about us has been slow, but if we have forever, then why would we need to rush?”
Lifting one leg then the other, he straddles my waist, and that first contact makes me feel like I put my hand in an electrical socket, but better.
It’s not expectation or nerves anymore, it’s anticipation.
“Can I kiss you again?” he asks softly, and brings his hand up to my cheek, cupping it gently.
“You can do whatever you want to me,” I confess, a bit pathetically, but I don’t mind being pathetic if I get a smile from him.
“The fact that I’ve never had sex with anyone doesn’t mean I’m innocent, you know?”
It takes me aback a bit that he didn’t go right for the kiss, but I can’t complain when I finally regain use of my body and lift my hands to his hips.
Then his words register and I finally stop looking at his body.
“You’re not?”
“I’m chronically online, Lex. And I’ve built a pretty nice collection of dildos over the years.”
I swallow hard.
“You have?”
A very small part of me wants to demand he show it to me right fucking now, but I dismiss that idea quickly.
“Mmhm,” he hums, then leans down to nudge my nose with his. “But I really loved hearing how we can go slow because we have forever.”
Right.
Slow.
“Whatever you want, Eli. I just want you to know that whatever you want, I’m okay with.”
Those seem to be the magical words.
When our lips finally connect, it’s not sweet or soft. No. He licks into my mouth right off the bat, and my eyes roll back with how decadent it feels to have him tracing my tongue, pushing insistently.
My fingers flex on the soft skin of his waist, and I thank all the gods that I at least keep control of my hands, since my mouth has gone slack. I just let him take, take, take, whatever he wants and needs until he sits up and nods at the headboard.
I sit up and hold him close before shuffling back, and I definitely get distracted by the pressure of his hard cock against my belly.
“Fuck, angel,” I groan helplessly.
I shove pillows away with my free hand, and when I’m finally leaning against the dark, padded headboard, Eli’s weight settles on my dick and another groan escapes me.
“Mmm, you feel so good, baby,” he croons, and I melt.
He holds my face still, his fingers gripping my jaw at the perfect angle for him to kiss every thought out of my mind again.
Dazed and needy, I follow his lips when he pulls back, but he just smiles at me and holds his hand palm up in front of my face.
“Spit here,” he instructs.
With a frown, I do as he says, then can’t quite silence the whine when he leans even further back.
But then he’s gripping my dick, tilting his hips so his cock lines up perfectly, spreading my spit over both of us and stroking way too gently for how hard we both are.
“Put your hand right here,” he says almost like he’s cajoling me, but I don’t need convincing. I do as he says and I’m proud of the fact that I always will. “That’s good. Firm, a bit harder. Just like that. Good boy.”
I didn’t expect the full-body shudder from those two words, but I can’t question it while I shiver, I just keep doing what he says. Even when he takes his hand away.
“Keep going, and let’s see if you like this, okay?”
He puts both palms on the headboard on either side of my face and sits up slightly, and then he—
“Holy fuck, angel,” I moan.
He’s thrusting into the circle of my hand, against my cock, creating the most perfect friction ever.
“Now move your hand, Lex. That’s right, up and down. So good. Is it good for you too?”
I can’t answer.
I can only move my hand and stare at the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen, his long cock sliding in and out of the tunnel of my fist, the perfect friction against my dick, his perfect heat, and then his mouth is right there, driving me even more insane.
“You’re so big, baby,” he croons. “I always knew you would be.”
Holy fuck, where is this coming from? How can he be so . . . so fucking confident?
“Soon I’m going to ride you, Lex. I can’t wait to have you buried deep inside me, fucking me hard.”
I toss my head from side to side, needing more but already overstimulated. How did he know it would be like this between us?
“I’m gonna—” I cut myself off with a helpless whine. “Eli, I need—”
“What do you need, baby?” He kisses my cheek sweetly. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”
It’s heady, hearing him say it, mostly because it feels like he means it. It feels like he feels how I feel, and could there ever be anything better?
I can’t tell him what I need, because I don’t know. I can’t picture anything but what we’re doing.
“Come for me, Lex. Use your hand to get yourself off just how you like, while I get off on you.”
“Yes, yes, yes,” I chant.
I stroke us faster, and move my free hand to grab one ass cheek as hard as I can. I need to hold on, I need to give him—
The orgasm barrels through me like a freight train.
My back arches, and even as I forget to think about tightening my grip for Eli, I feel him thrust one, two, three times against me, and then he spills over me too.