Chapter 21
Twenty One
Taylor
Holy fucking shit. Who didn’t close the fucking blinds? There’s a thundering in my temples, and as I reach up to rub them, I realize that I’m curled around a person. Someone comfy who nestles further into me.
Frank?
No, there’s no way.
I was in—I am in Toronto.
Oh. Shit.
Again?
I wince as I open an eye and my breath stops. I’m face to face with Eloise, her breath soft against my skin. And I close my eyes. Maybe it’s all a dream and my heart isn’t in my throat.
Well, something’s in my throat.
I blink open again and, fuck. This is real life.
After what feels like the longest travel day of my life, where I was hungover and trying not to panic every time I looked at Eloise, I’m sipping tonic water at the bar when I see Winnie walk in.
My hands aren’t shaking wrapped around the glass, a breath trapped in my ribs, leaking out of me instead of being steady.
Her hair is still an obnoxious pink, which makes it hard for me to not stare at her.
Me and every other person in the bar, it seems. She’s always so magnetic, so delightful and fun and charming.
She leans into it, and flirts with anything and everything.
Her being so free leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.
With her little upturned nose and broad smile for strangers, she catches my eye before fighting through the crowd to sit beside me.
She pulls me in for a tight, awkward one-armed hug and orders a ginger beer.
She eyes me up with one blue eye and a raised eyebrow that’s got a notch in it.
When did she do that?
“What’s wrong?”
“Eloise.”
She groans, “When are you going to let her go, for St. Glizzy’s sake? You gotta get over her. You know what could happen—”
“No, I mean, there were some things that happened in Toronto, and now I can’t—”
“Things?” She cuts me off, eyes wide and a grin curling her lips. She looks like the Joker when she stares at me like this.
My cheeks are hotter than flames. I shouldn’t have called. I need to go. My eyes dart towards the door and, like she’s between the pipes guarding the net, she plants a hand on my shoulders. “No. You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s got you so squirrelly.”
I shake my head. “There’s nothing. I was wrong. I should go…“
“Stay seated, or I call Mom.”
I scowl. “Brynn hates it when you call her that.”
Winnie grins. “Sucks that she’s not here to hear it then. Tell me what’s got your knockers in a twist.”
“I think the phrase is knickers.”
She makes a dismissive noise. “Oh, those too.” The bartender snorts as they walk past, and I wonder if people around think we’re insane.
Sometimes I feel like it. I look at the people around us, and with a thundering heart and an intense urge to puke despite getting rid of my hangover on the flight, I rip off the band-aid.
“Eloise and I slept together,” I say quickly, not looking at her.
Her sputtering makes me look at her face and then panic because she’s growing red and I think she’s choking. “You slept together?” she asks weakly.
I nod. “There was only one bed, and we couldn’t get an extra room, so we were stuck together, but then we said that there’d be a pillow wall, but I woke up cuddling her. Both nights.”
“But you’re a big cuddler, aren’t you?”
“No,” I hiss, “I never cuddled with Frank. I’m realizing that everything I did with him was like, weird and icky and sometimes performative. Like I had to date him so my parents would be happy.“
“Oh,” she whispers, “That’s rough, dude.”
“I know. But we cuddled, and then she looked really pretty when we went out for drinks with Harrington.”
“She took you out with Harrington? Jeez, are you sure you aren’t fucked up right now? Harrington’s a beast to party with.”
I nod. “I got over my hangover before we flew out today,” she winces, “But that’s not all, because I remember she looked so pretty and we were talking in the elevator, and I think… I think I kissed her. But we also danced, and it was really fun.”
“Hold on. You kissed her?”
I nod. “Well yeah, but on the cheek. I would never kiss her on the lips. I’m straight.”
Winnie’s eyebrows seem to disappear behind her fringe. “Taylor Megan Matthews, you kissed her on the cheek?”
I shrug. “Just to thank her.” My voice is an octave higher. Clearing my throat, I continue. “It was just nice to have her around. I know I was a bitch before and I was really insecure, and now—I like having her with me.”
“With you?”
“Yeah, like, I enjoy her company.”
Winnie’s jaw drops. “So, are you telling me this to kill me, or is there a larger point to this conversation?”
My hands are suddenly more invested in clenching around the glass of tonic water. Every sip I take is fuzzy and resets my thoughts with how crisp it is. “How did you know you weren’t straight?”
She lets out a breathless “oh” as I tap on the glass. I don’t know if I can look at her without bursting into tears. It doesn’t feel real. Maybe I am still dreaming.
Soft hands startle me as they wrap around my wrist, gripping my hand. Hot tears burn in their tracks as they fall down my face, and I violently wipe them off. With a tight throat and a sniffle, I look at Winnie, who’s got a small smile. Her eyes are warm as she scans my face.
“It was scary,” she says quietly. I can barely hear her above the noise in the bar, but the background noise starts to drown out. “I was starting to look at my teammates and female classmates the same.” She makes a weird face, remembering what she’s said in the past.
“But did you—?”
“I didn’t think a girl was breathtaking until I was in college.” She lets out a deep breath. “Maggie. She was—well, breathtaking. And she paid attention to me, and it was like I had gained the attention of the sun; I was basking in her.”
“Poetic,” I mutter. She lightly slaps my hand before her smile returns. “But did you…?“
“It was long, sneaky glances and agreeing when there was a beautiful woman in the room and then, well, it was porn.” Her cheeks are bright red at the admission.
“I started focusing on women with men, and then women by themselves and then women with other women, and I don’t know, it felt right when I saw the pleasure and wondered what it would be like to get a woman off. ”
“So, you—”
“I didn’t start seeing women until college, but I was definitely exploring my sexuality before then.” Her bright blue eyes are staring holes through me. “What else do you want to know?”
I take a shuddering breath, trying to stabilize my ability to talk before continuing. “And it didn’t feel performative? Dating a man or a woman?”
She snorts, “No. But if you were so far in the closet that you didn’t know you were queer, if could’ve felt like that. I know some others who struggled with being comphet their entire lives.”
Comphet.
“What’s that?”
“It’s when you think that being heterosexual is the only thing you can be, that it’s the only valid sexuality,” she shakes her head, “There’s a whole bunch of research that’s been done on it, but that’s what it boils down to.”
“But what about the guilt?”
“The guilt?”
I nod. “Don’t you feel like you’re letting your parents down by not settling down with a man?”
She shrugs. “They don’t care. They would rather have fluffy grandchildren than hairless ones. As long as I’m happy, they said, which is really irritating as a teen trying to rebel against her parents,” her smile grows.
“Oh.” It’s soft as it escapes my mouth. I didn’t mean to say it, but hearing it feels like a gut punch.
“Do your parents want grandkids?”
“Yeah, I think,” I say. “I just… Frank was the best choice. I knew him; he knew them. It was mutually beneficial. I got them off my back, and he got,” I wrack my brain, “I’m not sure what he got, but he got something for sure.”
She rolls her eyes. “Frank’s an idiot.”
I snort, and it’s significantly wetter than I thought. I wipe away the tears that are welling up in my eyes. “Yeah, well. We all know that now.” She pats my hand. “Do you think I may have been comphet?”
She shrugs. “Did you like kissing and sleeping with Eloise?”
I nod. “It was refreshing.”
“Did you want to do more?”
My cheeks burn, and when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window, they’re scarlet. “Maybe.”
She smiles. “You could talk to Eloise...”
I shake my head as quickly as she suggests it. “Absolutely not. I just… We just became friends. I can’t say that I want to experiment with her to see if I’m not straight.”
Winnie’s lip quirks. “Honey, I don’t want to be insensitive, but I think you’re a little more not straight than you are straight. I’ve seen those lingering glances.”
“Fuck, I’m leaving,” I say, getting up. She laughs, pulling at my arm.
“I’m kidding, but you know, maybe try testing the waters with something light. Get some porn in there, imagine what it would be like to go a bit further. See if that’s something you want. There’s no harm in thinking.”
“But what if…?”
Winnie sighs. “Okay, I lied. There is harm in thinking and it’s called overthinking.” I shoot her a droll look that has her smothering a smile. “But seriously. I can send you some of my favourite beginner porn if you want.”
“Winnie, I love you, but I don’t think our friendship would survive you knowing what kind of porn I watch or vice versa.”
She shrugs. “That’s just you. I personally think it would flourish.” She places a hand on her forehead, throwing her head back dramatically before crying out, “Our friendship could wither if we don’t feed it.”
“As long as I defend the net, you’ll be my friend,” I say.
She opens a blue eye and stares at me for a beat. “Yeah, you’re right. But do you wanna get out of here? I’m sure you’re exhausted. You got back today, right?”
“Yeah, I can’t wait to pass out.”
Winnie has a twinkle in her eye that stops me from getting up, but she’s already pulling me towards the door. “An orgasm could help with that; otherwise, you’ll be tossing and turning.”
I let out a breath tinged with disbelief. “I would never.”
I haven’t been able to fall asleep in the hour that I’ve been trying. Nothing is comfortable. I miss having someone in my bed, which is insane because it was only two days that I was with Eloise in Toronto.
I wonder if she’s struggling to sleep as well.
Looking at my phone screen, I scowl, the stupid clock mocking me, blinking some time after midnight back at me. I text Winnie that she cursed me, but she doesn’t respond. Understandable considering we have practice tomorrow.
My heart flutters at the thought of seeing Eloise again. I think we’re going to do really well on the ice tomorrow. I’m sure of it.
But the restless energy that’s floating under my skin makes me want to crawl out of it. I kick off the sheets, but then I get too cold and when I crawl back under them, I’m too hot.
My back, my side, my stomach, the other side, curled up, mountain climber, nothing is working. I’m so uncomfortable, and I hate it. I sit up, punching the pillow before curling up again.
I take a spare pillow and throw it between my legs to see if that helps.
It doesn’t.
I reach for my phone again, fingers trembling as I pull up the first porn site I could possibly find.
I close it at the sight of tits and a cock. My stomach shifts. Am I breathing? Shit.
Am I doing this?
I should have accepted the recommendations from Winnie.
No, I should be going to bed. This isn’t the time.
Is there ever a good time?
I open my phone back up and click the first video on the landing page.
It jumps immediately to a man pounding into a woman who is squealing loudly. My phone volume is higher than I thought, making me jump as I try to turn it down as fast as possible.
My breath is the loudest thing in the room. If Brynn heard that... I’d never live this down.
I look at the ceiling for a moment, steeling my nerves to watch the video. It’s an attractive couple on screen. He’s fit and has a long cock. His moaning is a little over the top, and his pounding seems excessive.
My throat is tight as I turn my attention to her. She’s...
Fuck.
My eyes burn as I watch her hands trail from her breasts down her stomach to between her thighs.
Her fingers are playing with herself as he continues to pound into her.
Her breasts jiggle with every thrust, and she moans loudly, a high-pitched whine that sends shivers down my spine and has a heady feeling settle between my legs.
I bite my lip as my own hand trails down my body and underneath my sleep shorts.
My clit is throbbing as she moans again, and with the brush of my fingertips, it feels electric.
I moan softly as she continues, every sound she makes triggering my own. My fingertips move of their own will, playing with my clit with a renewed fervour. Each circle is a jolt of sheer pleasure as my pleasure begins to mirror hers.
It’s not very long before, with a final push over the cliff, a wave of an orgasm rushes through my body, electrifying my synapses as I go boneless.
My brain takes a few minutes to get back online as I regain my breath to go clean up quickly. When reaching for the phone, I see her satisfied smile on her lips, and something clicks into place.