IVY
I n my entire life, the only time I felt truly in control of myself was when I was locked away in my bedroom suite. I’d imagine various scenarios with my imaginary friends. We went on fun trips and saw the world.
In my head, I was the life of the party and said many wild things. Yet, once a real, live human being entered my space, I shut down the best parts of myself and waited to be bossed around.
With Clint, I couldn’t hide. He’d rather I say something wrong than say nothing at all. For us to get to know each other, I’d need to show him the real me. As we stood in the kitchen, I started feeling more casual with him.
Once Elle arrived, I felt powerless again. She was the kind of woman I wasn’t—tall, strong, and confident in her skin. I didn’t blame her for not liking me.
Still in the kitchen, I listened to Clint and Elle speak near the windows. I didn’t hear every word, but enough to know she thought I was bad news and Clint wasn’t sending me away.
Nearby, a little dog shuffled around in a small black carrier. I wanted so badly to get closer and see it.
When I was little, my mom had a friend who came to stay with us. The woman owned a Pomeranian named Star. I absolutely loved the little dog!
I would take her for walks around the estate and have her play in my room. When Geraldine and the woman had a falling out, I was crushed over losing my new furry friend. I cried every day for weeks, praying my mom would feel enough pity to get me a pet of my own.
“They’re filthy and will give you diseases,” Geraldine insisted when I begged for a dog or cat. “You’re too sick for a pet.”
After Geraldine died, I nearly talked my uncles into letting me get a pet, but they always found a reason why we had to wait. Looking back, I didn’t know why I hadn’t adopted a pet online, had it delivered, and hidden it. My uncles ignored me a lot after I was an adult. I could have done many things if I’d been braver.
A powerful man like Clint ought to have a big dog. The animal enclosure in front of the windows was sized for a larger animal.
But Hanzee was a little fluffy Chihuahua. I dropped to the ground as soon as he left the carrier. To my delight, the dog circled the area before hurrying back to me. Soon, he crawled into my lap.
I glanced up at Clint and found him amused by my excitement. “Hanzee likes to bark,” Clint said while I stroked the dog’s back. “I used to live in a little house near a school. Each afternoon, he would sit on the stoop at the front windows with his pal, Boa. They’d bark at all the kids every day without fail. On the weekends and holidays, they’d pout when no one walked by the house. Occasionally, a neighbor would mow their lawn and give the dogs a new target.”
“Does he bark in the condo?” I asked while Elle studied me.
“He likes to watch people walking around down on the street, but he’s gotten mellow in adulthood.”
Smiling at Hanzee, I rubbed under his chin and tried not to worry about Elle’s judgment.
“Clint claimed you have zero belongings,” she said, refusing to allow me to hide from her. When I lifted my gaze to meet hers, I found Elle’s expression relaxed. “We need to make a list. Figure out what you need. I don’t think most of my clothes in the condo will fit you.”
Clint smiled at me and suggested I go with Elle to the bedroom. Though wary about following her, I couldn’t deny Clint’s charms.
Elle walked into the bedroom and opened the closet. She looked me over and then started rifling through the clothes.
“When’s your period starting?” she asked while removing various shirts and pants. “I didn’t leave menstrual supplies here, so you’ll need them.”
“I’m a week away.”
Elle removed clothes belonging to her son. “I’ll make room for your new stuff, but I still want a few things here, okay?”
“Of course.”
Hearing something in my voice, Elle rested her hands on my shoulders and smiled. “You’ve lucked out with Clint. He’s a great man. I’m biased, for sure, but you can see his qualities, can’t you?”
“He saved me.”
“And he’s good-looking, right?”
As my cheeks went hot, I immediately remembered my body pressed against Clint’s when we were riding.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Elle said after seeing something on my face. “Though my brother probably wants me to take off, I plan to stick around and make sure you get settled. You know, chick power stuff, so you feel comfortable here.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.”
“How many boyfriends have you had?”
“None.”
“Me either.”
“Really?” I asked, thinking she was messing with me.
“Why, really?”
I was certain her question was a trick, so I didn’t answer.
Elle smirked. “The only guys I like are friends, not fuck-toys. What’s your excuse?”
“I rarely left our house.”
“By choice?”
“No. My mom was overprotective.”
I considered sharing my health issues with Elle. Except I currently felt attractive despite wearing oversized clothes. If I talked about my scars and past illnesses, my confidence would be gone.
Elle walked to the bed and folded the clothes she had taken out. “Clint has little experience in the girlfriend department. He’s certainly never let any woman stay over at his place before. This is new for everyone.”
“What do I do next, then?” I asked since my earlier plans got derailed when Elle arrived.
Elle handed me a pair of boy jeans and gestured for me to fold them. I imitated her next to the bed by the window.
“We need to get you set up with the basics, so you’re not wearing my ill-fitting clothes. Normally, Clint prefers to shop online, but certain things will need to be picked up by people working for us.”
“I don’t have any money. My uncle has our last working credit card. I don’t even have enough to pay for a soda.”
“Clint can pay for whatever you need. If you want a job or something, we can worry about that later. Just settle down and focus on him. That way, you’ll know if what he feels is the same thing you do.”
I stopped folding and considered how much my life had changed over the last few hours.
“I was always on my own. I didn’t get to be around people,” I said, feeling lost again. “I’m afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Clint is so handsome and confident, while I’m barely holding on. Why would he keep me around?”
Elle stopped folding and leaned her hip against the mattress. Her gray eyes studied me.
“When you were trapped at your house all that time, didn’t you imagine what freedom would feel like?”
“Of course.”
“Well, I’d suggest you worry less about pleasing Clint and focus more on figuring out what you want. This is your chance to try different things and understand yourself better. Don’t pretend to like what Clint likes. Just be yourself. If that isn’t enough for Clint, so be it.”
Much like her brother, Elle’s presence calmed me. Maybe that was why I stopped editing myself and asked about my biggest fear.
“Your advice sounds emotionally healthy, but I want Clint to like me. Not just because he saved me. I also really like him, but I’m afraid I’m too boring or weird to keep his interest.”
“You can’t force these things. Some people are like magnets, attracted to each other even if there’s no sense behind it,” Elle said and then shrugged. “But I don’t know about the romantic shit. However, I noticed Clint didn’t tell me about your great qualities because he doesn’t know them. He’s working on a more primal wavelength. That part of him wants you. Does that part of you want him?”
I imagined Clint in the next room. He was too handsome to be real. I ought to feel flustered by such beauty in a man, but his presence made me hopeful instead.
“Clint feels special.”
“Well, he is. Even without all the romantic shit, my brother is a great man. If he wasn’t, half our club would drop him tomorrow. He keeps wild people in check without being an asshole about it.”
I struggled with the idea of Clint as both the sweet guy who saved me and the dangerous man he kept hidden. His home was warm and inviting. His sister slept over at his place with her son. Clint owned a little dog. He didn’t seem dangerous. Yet, when he moved at the gas station, my instincts warned that I had agreed to ride with someone willing to spill blood.
“I have a favor to ask,” Elle said and patted the bed by the window where the clothes were folded. “My son doesn’t want girl cooties on his bed. As long as you’re sleeping in here, stick to my bed, okay?”
“Of course.”
“I like how agreeable you are,” Elle said and smiled widely. “I have so many aggressive people in my life. It’s nice to have a pushover. At least, for now. Who knows what kind of demonic force you might become once you get your bearings in Little Memphis?”
“Wait,” I whispered and reached for her when she went for the door, “I’m afraid about what happens when you leave.”
“Clint isn’t going to fuck you tonight, Ivy,” Elle replied, looking irritated. “He wants to get to know you. So, unless you’re afraid of talking about yourself, then you have nothing to fear.”
“But I am afraid to talk about myself. I’ve never done anything. I don’t have any friends or funny stories. Clint has a life full of people.”
“Then ask him questions and let him talk. He knows you’re coming from a train wreck past. He’s more interested in your future anyway.”
Why wasn’t I reassured by Elle’s words? The answer was obvious. This was my big shot after years of hoping. But it had all happened so quickly. This morning, I thought I’d be dead soon. Now, I stood in a gorgeous man’s condo. I wasn’t prepared for this moment.
“Crap,” Elle said, walking to me. “I made you cry.”
“No, not you,” I whimpered. “I feel safe here, so everything that happened over the last week is now hitting me. Like, I miss my old room. It sounds so awful to care about belongings. But my room was my only real safe space. My belongings were all I had, and they’re gone forever.”
“What did you leave behind?” she asked and had me sit next to her on her bed.
As tears burned my eyes and slid down my cheeks, I mumbled, “When my mom would go through trends, she would buy me clothes to fit the style. They were like snapshots of our time together. There was also the painting she made for me when she was into art. And my grandma left me all her snow globes and thimbles from when she traveled as a young woman. Everything left behind might just be objects, but they also symbolized the best pieces of my family. And I’ll never see them again.”
Covering my face, I cried over how far away my home felt. I worried about Uncle Dwight, imagining him alone and confused. My life had been lonely, but it felt safe. Then, Uncle Linus stole everything from me.
I couldn’t start over when I hadn’t even acknowledged what I lost. However, ignoring the obvious was what my family tended to do.
When Grandmother Abigail died, my mom and uncles closed off her wing of the mansion and then turned to their vices for solace. They didn’t mourn her openly, and I was expected to grieve alone.
When Geraldine died in our backyard pool, Dwight went on a bender while Linus was gone for days at the casinos. My uncles locked up my mom’s bedroom and emptied the pool. Then, we stopped talking about my mom.
I had a short bout of wildness after Geraldine’s death. A girl I met online invited me to party with her. Without my mom’s controlling nature around to stop me, I sneaked off the property. I couldn’t hold my booze and ended up with a tattoo. My attempt at a wild life ended quickly when the girl decided I was lame and ghosted me.
Now, I worried I’d end up blowing my chance with Clint.
Patiently waiting for me to calm down, Elle said, “I’m sorry you went through that experience. I admit I don’t understand the life you led. But we just met, and you have time to help me picture your old life.”
I looked into Elle’s stormy gray eyes. “I don’t want to be like my family. I want to learn how the world works. I want to accomplish stuff. I just don’t know where to start.”
“We’re going to keep things simple tonight. Order a meal and do online shopping. Clint mentioned you need a new phone. That can all happen with you doing nothing more than sharing your opinions about things.”
“What if I pick the wrong stuff? I usually only wear clothes my mom chose for me.”
“If you pick an ugly shirt, you can just get another shirt later. No big deal.”
“What about tomorrow?”
Elle cocked an eyebrow and asked, “You’re a worrywart, aren’t you?”
“I’m out of my comfort zone. I can’t express to you how little I understand about the world outside of my TV and books.”
“Okay, well, tomorrow, Clint wants to bring you to my parents’ house for dinner. You’ll meet my son and the rest of our family. Our uncle and aunt live next door. Their adult kids will show up. It’ll be a little overwhelming, but you should simply smile and nod a lot.”
Elle’s words instantly calmed me. I wanted details about the future. Back at the mansion, I woke up knowing what my day would involve. I needed that predictability now to keep from crying and hiding.
The new Ivy couldn’t avoid the world anymore. I had a chance to date a man like Clint and call a woman like Elle my friend. But only if I changed twenty-three years of programming in a single day.