IVY
A s Elle’s sporty red SUV pulled out of the parking garage, she turned up a song on her playlist that I didn’t recognize. I imagined asking her questions about her life. But the voice in my head sounded tired, and I didn’t trust myself to say anything out loud.
When we passed through the front gates of her family’s community, Elle announced, “My brother wants to fuck you.”
“Oh,” was all I could think to mumble.
“Why do you sound grossed out?”
“I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“I should have mentioned it a few songs back, but I’m not sharp in the morning. Catch me in the afternoon if you ever need advice.”
“Um, so we’ll talk then?”
Elle flashed me a smile. “I was kidding. I might be dumb right now, but I’m smart enough. What kind of advice do you need?”
“I don’t know anything about sex.”
“Not even how the penis and the vagina work?”
“No, I guess I know that,” I mumbled and shrank down in the seat. “I’ve seen porn. I know how everything fits together.”
“Good, but if you need real advice about the actual fucking process, you need to ask someone besides me. I’ve never been conscious for sex before,” Elle said and then snorted. “I always say that like it’s a brag or something. Anyway, you should get advice from someone with more experience. Vanessa likes hooking up. But never ask her advice about relationship stuff. She has odd ideas.”
“Okay, but who would I ask for relationship advice? I only know your family so far. Oh, and I met Rock.”
“My mom turned a bad man good and kept him interested for three decades. I bet she’d know the answer to any relationship stuff,” Elle explained before pulling her SUV into the driveway of her parents’ house. Turning off the engine, she leaned against her door and studied me. “I assume you aren’t on birth control.”
Panic seized my chest, making me think of my faulty heart. “I might not be able to take birth control.”
“Why?”
“I had health issues when I was little,” I said while gripping the door handle as if I might need to run. “I don’t understand my health situation. No one explained anything. Then, my mom died, and I stopped seeing a doctor.”
Elle reached over and tugged my hands off the handle. “Let’s not pretend you could outrun me with your bite-sized legs, okay? Just settle down and use your words.”
“I’m afraid Clint will reject me if he knows I’m defective.”
Elle whispered, “Objects are defective, not people. I’m sorry your family didn’t teach you that.”
“You’re going to tell Clint,” I whimpered as hot tears pooled in my eyes, and my heart raced with panic. “He hasn’t even seen my good qualities yet. Now, he’ll know I can’t give him what he needs.”
Elle sighed deeply and left the SUV before walking around to my door and tugging me out. She wrapped her arm around me and walked us inside.
Entering the Reed family’s rustic lakeside home, I heard the familiar sound of Journey’s “Who’s Crying Now” playing from the kitchen.
“Mom!” Elle called out over the music. “I broke Ivy!”
Shay hurried out of the kitchen to find me teary-eyed again. Without hesitation, she wrapped me in a hug. While she babied me, Elle went back out to the SUV to get Hanzee’s carrier.
“What’s wrong?” Shay asked me after removing my jacket and sitting with me on the couch.
“I don’t know if I can give Clint what he needs,” I mumbled as I tried to calm down.
“Was he pushy today?”
“No, he’s always patient and sweet.”
Shay smiled at my words, momentarily distracted by her pride in her boy.
Setting Hanzee loose, Elle explained, “Ivy’s family kept her health history from her.”
I watched the dog run around in a circle before racing toward Hobbs. The dogs’ excited sniffing of each other’s butts calmed me down. I just loved their little faces so much.
But then, I remembered how life was complicated. Zeroing in on something distracting wouldn’t fix things. I had to face my problems now.
“What does that mean?” Shay asked Elle and then waited for details.
When I didn’t say anything, Elle sat on my other side and explained about the birth control topic.
“What health issue do you have?” Shay asked in a soft, mom-like voice that zapped my energy.
“I was born premature,” I answered as her gray eyes hypnotized me into spilling my guts. I sank into the warmth they offered and said, “I was in the hospital for a long time. I had a hole in my heart.”
My hands went to my chest, where the faded scar reminded me every day how I was born wrong.
“My mom said I couldn’t live like other people. That’s why she kept me home,” I mumbled and then shrugged. “But she might have been wrong or exaggerating.”
“Was she someone who would lie to keep you locked away?”
“Maybe not in the beginning. When I was little, I was smaller than other kids. I was always at the doctor's office. But she also didn’t want me to do things that seemed safe, like have friends or leave the house.”
“But you have the tattoo.”
“I got it after she died.”
Elle pulled out her phone and explained, “Ivy said she hasn’t seen a doctor since her mom died. That should be our first goal. We can’t find solutions without knowing what the problem is.”
Breathing too fast, I gripped the front of my shirt and felt like my defective heart would explode.
Shay wrapped me in her arms and rocked me like a baby. “You’re okay.”
“Clint deserves better,” I mumbled against her chest.
“He deserves what he wants, and my boy has chosen you. Don’t interfere with his plans. There’s no use fighting him. He’ll just manipulate you into doing what he wants eventually.”
As much as I enjoyed Shay’s arms around me and how Elle was taking charge, I also felt exposed and judged. Back in Reno, I was lonely. I imagined making friends and having a normal life. But the person in those dreams wasn’t really me. It was a better version of myself without my scars and fears.
As I sat with Shay and Elle on the couch of this beautiful house, I started to see myself a little more clearly. I never looked in the mirror when I was undressed. I hid my scars from myself. I pretended I was normal. I taught myself how to cook, fight, and think through watching TV. But was any of it real?
The only other person to try my cooking was Uncle Dwight, and he was too out of it to know if I was a bad cook.
I had never fought anyone to test my kickboxing. When those men attacked, I never thought to fight back.
So far, with real people in the real world, I was often overwhelmed and cried too much. That cool Ivy I saw in my head hadn’t shown up yet.
But she existed. Before I sank into self-loathing, I remembered my first morning with Clint. I demanded affection. I might have gone about it all wrong, but I asked for what I wanted.
A better Ivy was somewhere inside me. But I wasn’t sure I could give her what she wanted. I didn’t know how wild I could go without destroying myself.
I looked at Shay and Elle, both beautiful, strong women. They weren’t perfect, though. They had flaws. Elle seemed embarrassed by how Sutter was conceived. There was more to her than the cool woman on the surface.
People were complicated. I could choose to see that about myself, or I could hide in my head. The latter would feel so much better. I was safe in my imagination, where I always knew the right things to say and do. But I wouldn’t be able to keep Clint, or get to know Elle, or bond with Shay.
Steeling myself against the urge to hide in my head, I decided to yank off my blinders and face the real Ivy.