Chapter 46
NOAH
We fuck several times before Red passed out, drooling on my chest. She’s wiped, and our legs are intertwined under my thick comforter. Sunlight has faded behind snow-capped mountains, and the only light by my bedside table illuminates the room in a soft glow.
Red snores softly, hair falling down her back while I stroke it, her warmth keeping the chill at bay. She’s small in my arms, and it goes against our rules…wait…we never established any, but I have zero intention of giving a shit. Not right now. Not when I need her comfort.
I selfishly want to enjoy this because I know it can never be…
She’ll never feel the same. And I will never let myself get to that point. But for now, her company is enough.
Cause once it’s all over, I’ll leave and never look back. Never look at her again. Never see those bright blue eyes stare directly into my fucking soul. Or her mouth when it wants to talk back or kiss me with as much urgency as I give in return.
No, I can’t let it consume me. I can’t let her fully in. Lying here is already a mistake, but it’s so easy to give in with her…for her.
So why can’t I move? Why can’t I remove myself from her limp, warm body, her soft legs, and light snores?
Why do I continue to mull over every detail of her features, from the way she walks to the way she talks? Her very essence takes over all my cognitive thinking; it’s maddening and intoxicating.
I don’t think I can leave.
My chest starts to hurt at the thought, and that scares the living shit out of me.
She’s insecure, and I knew instantly when she tried to hide parts of her body from me. She has no idea how goddamn beautiful she is. I want to sucker punch the fucker who ruined her self-esteem, who made her see any imperfections because there are none.
I kiss her forehead, staring down at her freckles that dot her nose like the constellations in the sky.
Red stirs in my arms and snuggles her face against my side, her fingers gently stroking my skin. She lifts her head slightly to peek up at me, her eyes squinting when she smiles, and it takes all of my power not to crumble, to give in and let her become…mine.
But she’s not mine. Can’t be…won’t be.
I’m a piece of shit who can’t get his act together, who’s known for having a new girl every hour. It’s a miracle she agreed, a miracle I don’t deserve.
Selfishly I stay, holding her because for once, my world becomes quieter when she’s in my arms.
A silence I’ve been searching for such a long time, and somehow its been here all along.