13. Chapter 13
Chapter thirteen
Doing nothing for days was painful.
Or, well, it should have been painful. Every time in the past, when Kieron had been obliged to put aside his goals because of his body, he’d been filled with shame and anger.
Bodies weren’t supposed to give out when you needed them.
They were supposed to be strong, and if they failed, that meant you needed to focus more on your mental control so you could force them to do what they needed to do.
Kieron had learned from a very early age the necessity of being able to push himself to, and past, his self-imposed limits.
He’d also nearly died from doing that more than once, so when he realized that he wasn’t going to be able to do as much as read a book for the next few days, thanks to the blurriness of his new eyes as they adjusted, he was prepared to put up with it. Badly.
It was different this time around, though.
Kieron wasn’t alone or surrounded by people he loathed or, at the best, preferred to avoid.
This time it was just Elenus and Catalina, and as much as he’d disliked Elenus plenty when they first met, the man was …
growing on him. Partly because, now that he had what he’d come for, Elenus had relaxed enough to bring out the charm.
He was effortlessly cheerful, easily conversational, and slightly flirtatious.
If Kieron had met him like this first, he knew he would have hated the man. No one put that much effort into being perfect without having something to hide.
But the Elenus that Kieron had met first had been a complete asshole. A raging dictator, a threat-slinging jackoff, a force to be reckoned with. That was his real face—or at least, that plus the charm was his whole face. Kieron could trust that.
He could argue with it too. It was easy to get in the mood for a good fight after he found he still needed help to get up out of bed the next morning.
Help getting to and from the bathroom was one thing, but accepting help doing something as simple as getting dressed was …
hard. Especially when Elenus kept tsking about the state of his clothes. Jerk.
“It wouldn’t be too hard to go and get the Lizzie, I could—”
“Mmm, no.” Elenus angled the shirt so that Kieron could get his arm through the hole without straining himself. “Neither of us are in any shape for that, and I’m not about to send Catalina out by herself.” He straightened Kieron’s collar, then grabbed a pair of socks. “Let’s see your foot.”
Kieron complied with ill grace. “I really ought to be running more simulations to find—”
“Zakari’s ship, it’s being done, Catalina is backing up the station’s computers as we speak, and there are literally thousands of algorithms taking in new data to support that, so no.”
“I could at least make sure Moritz is—”
“No.” That was where Elenus’s new charm fell away.
His voice went cold, his warm eyes became harsh, his expression turned feral.
“No, that fucker stays down in the cold unit where I put him. No checking on him, no giving him attention, no attending to his needs. He’s got the basics for survival, and he can fucking deal, or I can jettison him out an airlock and call it an accident.
Which, I’ve got to say, would make me feel good. ”
He leaned a little closer. “He tried to ruin my company. He stole my child and tried to sell her into slavery. He nearly killed you. Deysan can go straight to the center of a black hole as far as I’m concerned.
I’m only keeping him alive right now because a trial will make it all the easier for me to seize his assets once he’s convicted. ”
Kieron didn’t shrink away. Backing up had been bred out of him. “Which you’re sure he will be.”
“Sure enough to bet the satisfaction of my heart on it, yes. As soon as the season here is over, a prison ship from Gania will arrive to take him home.”
Kieron raised an eyebrow. “You trust him to a prison ship?”
“I’m sure as fuck not going to let him fly around with Catalina and me.”
That begged the question of how Elenus was going to get both his ships back to Gania, but that was probably a matter best saved for another day. “So what do I do now?” Kieron finally asked.
Elenus shrugged. “Whatever you like to do with your free time. Find cute catterpet vids, watch porn, hang out with Catalina and me. Not all at the same time; she’s at that stage right now where she’s curious about everything, and I might be prepared to tell her how a ship is made, but I don’t think I can take a question about where babies come from. ”
Kieron sighed. “I usually read but looking at a screen for too long makes my head hurt.”
“That does suck. What kind of books do you like?”
“Anything adventurous.” Aaand cozy domestic comfort reads too, but Kieron wasn’t ready to reveal that illicit desire to Elenus’s too-keen eyes yet.
He still felt embarrassed about having such a strong reaction to books that were nothing but descriptions of people living calm, enjoyable lives with no drama, but it was so miraculous.
The only time he’d cried since Zak’s death had been when reading a description of an Old Earth woman in Japan making red bean cakes, of all things.
The memory of his miniature breakdown still threatened his cheeks with heat.
Elenus suddenly smiled. “How about a foray into amateur theater?”
“If you’re expecting me to act anything out, the answer is no.”
“No, no, not you acting something out. I’d like to get Catalina more exposure to literature and the arts and give her more practice expressing emotions through words and reading out loud to you could be just the thing for her.
Here.” He grabbed Kieron’s tab off his bedside table and handed it over to him.
“Pick one of the least violent books you like.”
“Any other parameters you want to throw my way?” Kieron asked, not as sourly as he would have liked.
He was already intrigued by the prospect of reading out loud to her.
He’d never been read to before—not fiction, not a story meant for pleasure instead of instruction.
Doing it for someone else felt oddly exiting.
“Hmm, nothing that involves kidnapping. Let’s not remind her of that if we can help it.”
“Do you really think it would bother her?”
Elenus sighed. “Look. I know you’re doing your best to think of her as an actual person, but I can tell that you haven’t quite managed it yet. When you’re with her, it’s plain, but when you can’t see her, it’s easy to think of Catalina as advanced machinery again.
“But I’m telling you, she’s a living being.
She has a biological cycle that includes desire for rest and play, a need for sustenance, and love for family.
She had a nightmare last night, Kieron.” He sounded pained.
“Have you ever had to wake a child up out of a nightmare? It’s a lot harder when your child is a ship.
I couldn’t hold her. I couldn’t cradle her in my arms and stroke her back and soothe her.
All I could do was talk her out of it. Eventually. ”
Kieron stared at Elenus for a moment, took in the dark circles under his eyes and the way his hands shook a little. He was still recovering from his own injuries, and he’d been keeping Kieron alive in the Regen tank for days, and his daughter still needed him desperately.
“I think I can find a book she’ll like,” Kieron said at last.
It was the least he could do.
***
It turned out that children everywhere, whether they were human or not, were fascinated by dinosaurs.
Kieron was sure even he would have been if he hadn’t first learned about them in his twenties.
Zakari’s kids had gone crazy for them—one of their favorite games had been to play “dinosaur pirate-ship captain,” which was pretty self-explanatory.
It had led Zak down the rabbit hole of finding books that featured dinosaurs who were also the captains of spaceships.
One of those dinosaurs was also a pirate, and that was the book Kieron read to Catalina.
She loved it. By the end of it, she was making “dinosaur” noises and pretending to be the ship that carried the dinosaur pirates across the galaxy.
It was stupidly cute, and Kieron got a surprise when Catalina suddenly made holograms of the dinosaur pictures from the book appear inside of her, moving around like they were live-action instead of stills.
“That’s incredible,” he said, impressed despite knowing just how impressive Catalina was already.
Elenus was smiling so hard that the designs in his beard were almost impossible to make out. “She’s never been this into a story before. I’ve read her plenty of books about ships and explorers and daring adventures, but I never once thought to add dinosaurs to the mix.”
“Zak always said you could never go wrong with them.” A little bit of Kieron’s good humor melted away as he realized just what he was doing here.
He was laughing, playing, having a lovely morning with two people he was growing closer to despite himself, and he was not thinking about his friend.
His best friend. The friend who was still floating out there in the black, waiting to be taken back to his family’s mausoleum so he could be remembered properly.
“What? What’s that face for? And don’t say ‘nothing,’” Elenus cautioned him. “Nothing would be bullshit; I know your looks by now. What’s wrong?”
Kieron sighed and stared at him. He actually did want to talk about it, was the thing, which was ridiculous.
He didn’t share things. He didn’t make himself vulnerable like that, didn’t reveal the soft parts of himself and make it easier for others to stab him there.
But … this was the guy who’d saved his life.
If he couldn’t open up with him, then he’d never be able to with anyone.
Despite his resolve, he still couldn’t do it directly. “Have you ever felt like you’re betraying someone simply for living your life?”
“No,” Elenus said promptly, and Kieron’s heart seemed to shrink a little.
“But I can see where you might get that feeling. I have probably never met anyone as determined to resist any and all comforts for himself as you, and I’ve known literal ascetics, people who make their livings through self-denial, so that’s saying something.
” He paused. “It’s the fun, isn’t it? You don’t feel like you deserve to have any. ”
Kieron nodded. The words he wanted to say were stuck in his throat, but Elenus didn’t seem to require them to understand him. It was an incredible relief.
“I don’t know much about your friend, but I know a bit about you now, and I don’t think you’d devote so much of yourself to someone who didn’t really deserve it.
Someone good in a way you don’t see yourself as able to be good.
Someone kind because you crave kindness even though you can’t ask for it.
Someone willing to reach out to you and bridge the distances that you don’t feel you can get over on your own.
” Elenus spoke softly, gently, and his dark-brown eyes were full of compassion.
It hurt to look at them. “Would a person like that begrudge you any sort of happiness you could scrape together? Would he?”
Kieron shook his head, still mute.
“Then let yourself have these moments. Times like this are what make all the pain and suffering that comes along with life worth enduring.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “You can let yourself have things. Big things, little things, things that make you happy.
“There’s an argument to be made that some people have too much, and believe me, I get that, but you’re not one of those people.
You hardly take anything for yourself, even time, even a chance to rest. Would it be so bad to just—just seize one of those things that you want?
Would it be so intolerable to let yourself enjoy something you crave? Honestly, I think that—”
Whatever else he was going to say was lost as Kieron abruptly grabbed the front of his shirt, hauled him in close to his chair, and pressed their mouths together.
It wasn’t much of a kiss—way too sudden, teeth clacking, and an exhale so loud it sounded almost like a honk coming out of Elenus’s nose.
Kieron’s heart beat too fast in his chest, something he ought to be able to control; where was his control?
He was too full of want now, too full of desires and maybes and “what-ifs.” He was also ready to let go at the first sign that he’d read things totally wrong.
Instead, he got Elenus grinning against his mouth as he slid his knees along the outer edges of Kieron’s thighs, slotting himself into place against him.
“Good thing you have a long torso,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around Kieron’s neck, anchoring himself on his lap. “This would be awkward otherwise.”
“It’s already plenty awkward,” Kieron replied. He knew his face was bright red, but he didn’t want to let go of Elenus. He flattened his hands on the other man’s back and stroked up his spine. “You’re too tall.”
“You’re just jealous. Come here.” He leaned in for another kiss, and this one wasn’t awkward.
This one was hot, flavored with mutual need and satisfaction and the latent heat of desire.
“Gods, I was starting to think you were a lost cause,” he muttered between kisses. “How many hints do you need, huh?”
“A lot,” Kieron confessed. “I’m not good at knowing when people are interested in me.”
“No?” Elenus pulled back for a second. “Have you … tell me you’ve …”
“I’ve had sex if that what you’re asking.” Fewer times than he could count on both hands, but Elenus didn’t need to know that.
“And did you … like it?”
“I liked it.”
Elenus huffed with a mixture of exasperation and reluctant charm. “C’mon, work with me here, Kieron. Tell me what you want right now. Kisses? Sitting together, holding hands? Another story? Fucking in your bed? I’m good with anything, but—”
“Fucking.” He cleared his throat. “That sounds good. Let’s do that if … you’re okay leaving Catalina right now?”
“Well, I’m not going to have sex in front of her,” Elenus deadpanned. “So yeah, I’m fine with it. She’ll be all right.” He glanced over his shoulder with a smile on his face. “Look, she’s making the T-Rexes shoot down the rival crew of plesiosaurs. So cute.”
Kieron grinned. It was cute. “Shall we?”
“Let’s.” Elenus stayed right where he was. “You can drive,” he purred. “I’ve got plans for my hands.” They slid down Kieron’s body until his right hand pressed against his groin, and—
Yeah, it was time to go.