Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
HILARY
Ben finally texted her back. He agreed to meet at their favorite tapas restaurant for dinner, drinks, and talk. Hilary had wanted to have dinner at home, but maybe meeting on neutral territory was a good starting point.
She went home to shower and change before dinner.
It had been a long day of meetings and preparations for the Snowball Dance.
The press coverage for the Starlight Parade had been phenomenal.
Bigger media outlets from Portland sent reporters to cover the story.
She hoped garnering such great press and community goodwill would get her back in the mayor’s good graces.
Instead, he sent staff members to her offices for a full report on team updates for the hunt.
Hilary had no idea why he was obsessed with the idea that large-scale cheating was happening, but it was evident that he wouldn’t drop the issue.
Her only option was to continue to try and appease him.
She had tasked her staff with compiling twice-daily reports to share with the mayor.
It seemed like a waste of time and resources to her, but if that were what it would take to appease him, she would do it through the very last event—the Snowball Dance.
The dance was in two days, so as long as she could keep the mayor from convincing the other business members of the Chamber of Commerce to shut Passport to the Holidays down from now until then, she could close out the year on a good note and enjoy the rest of the holiday season with Ben and the twins.
That was if she and Ben could patch things up.
Hilary was fine faking it to preserve their family holiday traditions. However, she knew they were past the point of no return. Ben had called Bella. They couldn’t simply put on smiles and matching Christmas pajamas and pretend everything was great.
The thought made her cheeks flame again. Why? Why had he called Bella?
She tried to recenter herself as she towel-dried her hair and put on her favorite fleece ski dress. Why did she feel nervous? Like this was a date?
She studied her appearance after blow-drying her hair and using her flat iron to give it a soft curl. She didn’t feel her age. Looking in the mirror, she saw a bright face staring back at her. Sure, there were wrinkles on her forehead and around her eyes, but she didn’t look middle-aged, did she?
Time had moved so quickly. Why hadn’t she enjoyed it more?
She blinked back tears and grabbed a soft cashmere scarf and her car keys.
She didn’t want to be late. She had to show Ben that she was committed to fixing this.
Him walking out on her had shifted her paradigm.
The twins were gone. Her days of motherhood were over. She couldn’t lose Ben, too.
She arrived at the restaurant and paused at the front door, taking in the low amber light inside. Her fingers curled around the handle, but she couldn’t bring herself to open the door. Her pulse fluttered underneath her skin. She drew in a deep breath, trying to steady herself.
It’s just dinner.
A conversation.
A start.
Her stomach twisted with an anticipation she hadn’t felt in a long time as she finally pushed the door open.
He was already waiting for her at a table near the bar with one hand wrapped around a glass of water and the other drumming lightly on the table. She recognized the nervous habit.
Was it better or worse that he was on edge, too?
“Hey, Ben.” Hilary’s heart lurched when he stood up to greet her with a pained smile. “You look nice.”
“You too.” Ben held her gaze for a minute and then sat down.
He wore a pair of well-fitting jeans and an oatmeal crew-neck alpine sweater with patterned navy pine trees, skiers, and snowflakes that the twins had gotten him for Christmas years ago.
His eyes looked as worn as the ribbed cuffs on his sweater.
“I ordered you a glass of wine. I hope you don’t mind. ”
“No, that’s great.” This was like a first date. Hilary’s pulse thudded in her neck. She clenched her hands under the table. “How’s life in the hotel?”
“Fine.” Ben swirled his wine glass and looked at her like she was a stranger. “No, that’s not true. It sucks.”
Hilary sighed and took a drink, hoping the wine would help her relax. She shouldn’t feel nervous to talk to her husband of twenty years. This was ridiculous.
“So, you wanted to talk.” Ben leaned against his chair.
“Ben, come on. We have to talk.” Hilary placed her hand over her heart. “I know we have a lot of work to do on us.”
“Agreed, so talk.” He threw his hands out in front of him, offering her the floor.
“Why did you leave?” The words spilled out before she even had time to form a thought.
“Did you want me to stay?” He raised a single eyebrow, squinting at her. “I’m surprised you noticed I was gone. You haven’t seemed to care at all lately.”
“I know, and I apologize for that. I’ve been consumed with work. You know how important Passport to the Holidays is for me.”
“Hilary, come on, it’s more than that. If we’re going to talk, let’s really talk.”
She took another sip of wine. “It’s been hard, Ben. I miss them so much.” She broke down. Tears poured down her cheeks. She wiped her nose with her napkin.
“I miss them, too,” he said, so softly she wasn’t sure if she was making it up.
“Do you?” Her voice cracked. “You seem fine. You’re always so upbeat. You go to the gym. You have your clients. Meanwhile, I’m barely holding it together.”
“I’m not holding it together.” Ben shook his head and scoffed.
“It’s a huge change for me, too. The house is too quiet.
It’s weird. It’s lonely, but I thought we’d have each other to get through it together.
Instead, it’s like you’ve left me, too. I might have physically left, but you left me emotionally the day we dropped them off at college—probably even before that, if I think back. ”
His words stung, but he wasn’t wrong.
Hilary clasped her wine glass and tried to silence her tears.
They wouldn’t stop. They poured down her cheeks, like a leaky faucet she couldn’t shut off.
“I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.
” Her hands quivered, and her entire body felt like Jell-O.
She brushed hot, salty tears away with her fingers.
Ben handed her a napkin. “I didn’t either.”
“I’m sorry for pulling away. I really am.
I haven’t known what else to do. I guess seeing you be so fine has made me feel like a total failure.
I miss them so much, Ben. So much more than I ever thought was possible.
It’s like I’m walking around with my chest cut open, and part of my heart has fallen out.
I can’t seem to put myself back together.
” Hilary had reached the ugly-cry phase.
Her nose ran like a sieve; her shoulders quaked as she tried not to make a scene in the middle of the restaurant.
She dabbed her eyes with the corner of the napkin. “Why did you call Bella, though?”
Ben started to respond right as Hilary’s phone buzzed.
She dabbed her eyes with the already soggy napkin.
Shit—the mayor.
She looked from her phone to Ben.
“You should take it. You know you’re going to anyway.” Ben stood up, gently kissed the top of her head, and walked away.
Hilary breathed in through her nose so as not to sound like she’d been crying. “Hello?”
“You need to get down here right away. We have definitive proof that a team has been cheating and must be immediately disqualified from Passport to the Holidays.”