Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Taz
I was nervous as hell. I’d invited Quinn over under the guise of ordering her favorite food, sushi, and giving her a gift I bought for her while on tour.
But when she arrived, looking grumpy and sullen, I began to question my ability to reason with her.
“How was school today?” I asked, inviting her to sit at the dining table, where I’d laid out our feast.
“Ugh, I got sixty on an algebra test,” she said, sinking into the upholstered chair across from me. “Which seriously sucks, because I studied for like two weeks.”
I smiled, passing her a set of bamboo chopsticks. “At least you passed though, right?”
“I’m not going to get into Belmont with a shitty grade in math pulling my average down.”
“You want to go to Belmont? How did I not know that?”
She shrugged. “You never asked.”
Which made me feel like a crappy father, with a hell of a lot to learn. “Sorry, I should have asked. So, what are you hoping to study?” Another thing I should have known.
She avoided eye contact as she loaded her plate. “Music therapy.”
“You’re into music?” It seemed like a topic that should have come up in conversation, but hadn’t, making me feel even worse.
“Yeah, I’ve always loved music. Self-taught, ‘cause Mama couldn’t afford lessons, so I’m not even sure I’m any good. But I like it.”
“If you want lessons, I’d be happy to arrange it.” I added a few dragon and California rolls to my plate, even though I wasn’t hungry. When she didn’t respond to my offer, I asked, “Which instruments do you play?”
“Just the acoustic guitar. I’d like to learn to play the piano, but it’s not like we could ever afford one, so I wouldn’t be able to practice.”
I considered offering to buy her a piano, but knew I had to rein myself in or risk spoiling her. “I only play guitar, and it’s working out okay for me. But if you decide music is something you want to pursue as a career, I’m sure we could arrange piano lessons down the road.”
“The program covers a lot of different instruments,” she said, waving her chopsticks at me. “So, I’m sure I could experiment and figure out what I really like, but thanks for the offer.”
Aside from buying her a compact, economy car, it was the first time she’d thanked me for anything. I liked to think that was progress.
“My pleasure. So, why music therapy?” I considered telling her Grace was a therapist, who might be able to offer some insight, but I knew I would have to ease into that discussion.
“I think it would be cool to help people,” she said, reaching for her water. “And I like music. I’ve, um, done some volunteer work in nursing homes and hospitals and I’ve seen the difference music therapy made to those people.”
My jaw dropped, but I snapped it shut. “You volunteer?”
“It started because Mama had to work long hours as a nurse’s aide and I was too young to stay alone, so she’d bring me to work and they’d give me jobs to do, like talking to residents at the nursing home, when she worked there, or reading to the older patients in the hospital.
” She blushed, tucking a strand of long, stick-straight black hair behind her ear.
“It was kind of fun, I liked it. But I didn’t talk about it much, ‘cause my friends thought I was weird.”
My heart went out to her. I remembered being her age, and the crazy shit I’d done to fit in, which landed my sorry ass in prison for twelve years. I didn’t want my daughter to feel she ever had to be anyone other than herself.
“Who gives a shit what they think, Quinn. You just do you.”
Her smile was slight, as she nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I’ve started doing. I’m tired of trying to please people who are never gonna like me anyway.”
“Are you having trouble at school?” I knew teen girls could be even more vicious than boys, and it killed me to think of her being bullied.
“No, I’ve got my group of friends. They’re a little weird, like me. And we just stick together.”
“Weird is good,” I said, smirking. “Don’t ever try to conform.”
“How’d you get into so much trouble when you were my age? Mama said your parents kicked you out of the house.”
“I don’t blame them. If I were them, I would have kicked me out too.
” No way would I ever blame my parents for anything that happened to me.
I may have been young, but that was no excuse for being stupid and breaking the law.
“It started out with skipping school, then alcohol, petty theft, and escalated from there.” I wasn’t going to sugar-coat anything for her.
She deserved to know the truth: good, bad, and ugly.
“Did you ever finish high school?”
“When I was in prison. Got my G.E.D., and took some college courses.”
“That’s cool.” She popped a roll in her mouth and chewed before asking, “Did you ever love my mama?”
I reached for my water, trying to buy time before answering that loaded question. “Um, I think I was too young to know what love was back then, to be honest. I may have thought I did.”
“But that chick you were seeing, you loved her?”
I knew this was my moment. “First of all,” I said, giving her a pointed look. “Grace is a woman, not a chick. And yes, I’m in love with her. First time in my life I’ve ever really been in love.”
Her gaze shifted to her plate before she said, “So, you must hate me for forcing you to choose between us then, huh?”
“Quinn, look at me.” I waited until she did, before I said, “I could never hate you, sweetheart. I love you.”
She swallowed repeatedly before she said, “If I were you, I’d probably hate me.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I’ve been pushing you, trying to break you. Being a total bitch, so you’d snap, and tell me you didn’t want me in your life.”
I sank back in my chair. “Why?”
“Because I kind of hated you, or at least I wanted to.” She leaned back, crossing her arms. “If I liked you, and we started spending time together, I might… I don’t know, get too attached.
And Mama warned me not to get attached to you.
She said your star was rising and you wouldn’t want some bastard kid bringing you down. ”
I curled my hand into a fist on the table, trying to rein in my rage. “Your mother called you that?”
She shrugged. “She calls me that all the time. It’s not a big deal. It’s what I am.”
I rubbed my hands over my face, feeling the emotional exhaustion of the past twenty-four hours finally catching up with me. “Sweetheart, listen to me. Don’t ever believe shit like that, okay? I want you. I love you. And I’m not going anywhere. I promise you.”
The side-eye said it all. She wanted to believe me, but wasn’t sure she should.
“Talk is cheap, Quinn. You’re not going to believe anything I tell you today. It’s too soon. I have to earn your trust, and that may take years. And I’m okay with that.”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” she said, quietly. “Mama told me I shouldn’t thank you. That you still owed me a hell of a lot more, for all the years you were gone. But I know you didn’t have to step up when you got out of prison. You chose to.”
She was so mature for a sixteen-year-old. She’d been through too much, and that was partially my fault. “There was no choice. You were my daughter, I loved you, and I had to do right by you.”
“How could you have loved me? You didn’t even know me.”
“I didn’t have to know you.” I looked into her eyes. “I saw your picture and I loved you. I saw so much of myself in you.”
“Mama says I look just like you.”
“You do.” She had my hair and eye color and skin tone. My smile. Even some of my mannerisms. “And I look at you and see all the pain and confusion I felt at your age too. I don’t blame you for hating me, wanting to punish me—”
“I don’t.” She sighed. “I mean, I did, hate you and want to punish you, but I don’t anymore. You seem like a good guy, and I do want…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, I want to be your daughter.”
I closed my eyes, fighting back the rush of emotion those few simple words evoked. “I want that too. But that ultimatum you gave me, I can’t live with that. I tried. I ended things with Grace, but I’m going to be honest with you. I can’t live without her… or you. So, please don’t make me choose.”
Her eyes drifted to her plate and she said, “That was kind of Mama’s idea. She was the one who showed me the picture of you and your girlfriend online. She said she looked like a stuck-up bitch who would make my life miserable, so I should demand you cut her loose, if you wanted me in your life.”
“Son of a…” I pinched my lips together, reminding myself we were talking about her mama, and I had to take the high road.
“I think she was just jealous because your girlfriend is so beautiful. And she’s pissed that you’re making all this money and getting famous now, while she’s still struggling.”
“I would have thought all that child support I’ve been sending would help.”
She rolled her eyes. “Mama has habits.”
“What kind of habits?” I hadn’t even laid eyes on my ex since the last time she visited me in jail, to tell me she was pregnant.
“Smoking, drinking, shopping, gambling.”
I clenched my teeth, wishing I could have done more to provide a stable life for Quinn. She didn’t deserve to grow up with a mama who made her habits and men more of a priority than her daughter.
“I’m really sorry to hear that. So, that money I’ve been sending hasn’t been making it’s way to you, huh?”
“It’s no big deal,” she said. “It’s helped keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge, which we didn’t always have before.”
“You were, uh, homeless?” God, this just kept getting worse.
“Not homeless, really. We’d usually land on one of mama’s friends couches for a while until we could scrape together enough money for another apartment. I’d get a paper route or lie about my age so I could get a job at a fast-food restaurant and help pay for food.”
I curled my hand around my forehead, knowing I would need years of therapy to deal with my guilt. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, hon. That really sucks.”
“Yeah, it does. But things are better now, thanks to you.”
We shared a sad smile before I said, “I hate that I was in prison when I found out your mama was pregnant with you. I hate that there was nothing I could do to make your life better.”
She nodded. “I know. You did what you could, when you got out.”
I didn’t want Quinn to forgive me. I couldn’t even forgive myself.
“I don’t want you to have to worry anymore.
” I raised a hand. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to spoil you, and give you every damn thing you ask for, but I am going to make sure you’re taken care of.
That you have the benefit of a good education, and an opportunity to do whatever you want in life. ”
“Thanks,” she whispered, fighting back tears.
“And I’d like you to meet Grace. It doesn’t have to be right away, if you’re not ready. But she is an important part of my life and I think you’ll like her.”
She drew a deep breath, her eyes meeting mine. “For you, I’ll do it.”