Chapter Sixteen
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Henri
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JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DID I JUST DO?
What the fuck did I do?
She stood there.
Wide-eyed, white-shocked, my cum oozing down her inner thigh.
She told me to stop.
Putain, how long had she been begging me to stop?
How had I not heard her?
How had I lost myself so completely?
I tripped back another step.
Echoes of my orgasm butchered me. Memories of her body fisting my cock mocked me.
I-I kissed her.
Fucking hell, why did I kiss her?
I’d ruined everything.
Every goddamn thing I’d turned my back on.
Every monstrous thing I’d become.
My past and present tangled and tore, leaving me in a wasteland of feelings and guilt.
Such motherfucking guilt.
My lips stung from her taste. My tongue burned from her blood.
The moment I’d taken her mouth, I’d broken.
I’d forgotten all her promises to hate me.
I’d shredded all the despair between us.
I’d seen a fresh start.
Hope.
Whatever intelligence inside me that spoke words and walked on two feet died beneath the prehistoric awakening where only two emotions existed.
Love and longing.
I’d fallen into the pit of both.
I’d shattered my legs on impact; cracked open my soul upon descent.
I’d felt more from a single kiss than I had in my entire godforsaken life, and instead of feeling the same tidal wave of connection, Ily looked at me as if I’d destroyed her.
Not her choice.
I forced her.
“Are you so corrupted by this place to believe I sleep with you by choice?” Her cutting question in the shower slapped me around the head. “I’m not your wife, Henri. I will never be any more than what you turned me into.”
I couldn’t breathe.
“The moment I saw you in Paris, I felt something. But then you gave me to Victor, and all those maybes died.”
I crippled beneath loss.
And fear.
Such motherfucking fear.
I wanted to turn back the clock and never steal her.
I wanted to wind it back until I was never born.
“You were born alone. You will die alone. And while you keep me against my will, you will stay alone.”
Fuck.
I bordered hyperventilation.
The fear became too much.
The fear of losing her to another. Of losing her to Victor and death and this place.
But really...I couldn’t lose something I’d never had.
I couldn’t miss something she’d never given me.
Couldn’t hoard something I’d never earned.
Sucking on air, I did my best to claw my pieces back into place.
I needed that darkness. Craved to return to that black abyss.
I couldn’t cope like this.
Feeling like this.
So what if I’d drowned in ravenous devotion while she’d begged me to stop?
So what if I didn’t stop?
So what if I used her?
I’d told her I would.
She was my slave.
She said it herself that was all she’d ever be.
I did nothing wrong!
So why did everything feel so fucked up?
That kiss.
That goddamn kiss ruined everything.
Ah, Christ...
Raking both hands through my hair, I choked with a gush of nausea.
Daxton almost raped her tonight.
He’d tried and failed.
But me?
I’d succeeded.
I didn’t stop.
I stumbled again, punched and kicked by the truth.
I didn’t stop.
I hadn’t stopped when I took her against her will in Victor’s dead zoo either.
This is what I am.
This is what I wanted.
So why did I choke on shame? Why did I break beneath grief and guilt and grotesque self-hatred?
Because of that motherfucking kiss!
The moment her tongue touched mine, I’d hoped.
The second she opened wide, I swore her heart reached out to mine. There’d been something. Something transcendental. Something ethereal and sacred and—
Christ, you’re a fool.
Completely screwed in the head.
She didn’t kiss me back.
She fought me off!
Look!
Look at what you did.
Look at what you’ve become.
Blood trickled beneath her collar.
Shadowy bruises marked her breasts.
Teeth marks punctured her throat.
She looked as if she’d been attacked.
Not by the man I’d killed to keep her safe but by a man who’d let evil turn him into something un-fucking-forgivable.
And instead of kneeling for her forgiveness. Instead of flaying myself alive for ever laying a finger on her...I felt pride for marking her as mine.
Balling a hand in my gut, I turned away from her.
This was by far the worst thing I’d ever done.
Not because I’d done exactly what I promised and treated her like my jewel but because...I’d thought she wanted it.
Damn, even the monsters inside this castle didn’t slip that far into insanity.
They knew their boundaries.
They accepted they would never have the love of a jewel and contented themselves with their pain instead.
But me?
Me?
Ha!
I’d deluded myself into thinking she could forgive me.
Believed in a fucking fairy-tale that she’d suddenly switch from hate to love and choose me.
Choose me?!
No one would ever choose me.
Because I didn’t deserve to be chosen.
Sighing heavily, I slowly turned back to face her.
Gritting my teeth against her tear-brimming eyes, I swallowed the razors in my throat. “Go to bed, little nightmare.”
And then I barged past her and imprisoned myself in the bathroom.
I needed bars.
And locks.
And chains.
I needed to get a fucking grip before I killed her, all because she’d just killed me.