Chapter Thirty-Four
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Henri
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“THIS REMINDS ME OF OUR walks on the island,” Ily murmured.
I glanced at her beside me. Bundled up in a thick black jacket that dropped to her calves, a pom-pom hat and homemade red scarf that my brother’s elderly cook, Mrs Sucre, had knitted, I tripped as a punch of undiluted happiness stole my air.
Fuck.
If I didn’t have the ache in my thigh from being shot, the tightness in my back from being whipped, and the scabs from a dog attack on my arm, I might believe I’d died after all.
For the first week after I’d woken, I struggled to sleep thanks to the fear that I’d been sent to some sort of teasing purgatory. A place that delivered all your heart’s desires only to rip them away because you weren’t worthy of them.
Those fears had faded the stronger I’d become. My bitten arm grew itchy as it healed, my other arm slowly stopped aching, and my leg no longer buckled when I’d slipped from the blankets and joined Ily on the chairs by the window.
We’d barricaded ourselves inside that room. We were selfish in our need for privacy. We spent our time reading, eating, or playing cards, both of us pausing every now and again to just stare at each other.
Stare and smile and shake our heads in disbelief that this was real.
We were truly here.
Together.
We had no pain to endure. No games to play. No threats to survive.
It’d taken a long time for us not to jump when the door opened.
We went from tolerating my brother’s company to actually enjoying the dinners when we joined them as a family. The first night I’d been cleared by the doctors and given a walking stick to get around, the dinner had been stilted and awkward. Just the four of us: his wife and my twin flame.
The dynamics took a while to smooth out, especially after a lifetime of having no one. I’d gone from being alone to having a woman who loved me (somehow) and a brother who actually cared.
The only thing that would’ve made those dinners any better would’ve been Peter.
He’d been the first friend I’d ever had, despite our rocky beginning.
He’d taught me how to accept a bond from another man after only having my father’s hate as an example.
Slowly, the dinners turned into all-evening affairs. While Tess and Ily grew to know one another, Q took me to the library to learn how to be siblings.
Turned out, I would’ve definitely died in that villa in Tuscany if he hadn’t gotten there first.
Fifteen men had been waiting for me.
All armed and ready.
Q and his mercenaries had taken them by surprise, mowing them down without blinking. I still didn’t know what he’d done with the bodies, but...I didn’t care.
At least they couldn’t harm anyone else.
And...I’d somehow survived.
Q had cleaned up after me. No one had named me to local police.
I’d gotten away with mass murder and carried those stolen lives with pride.
Ily studied me standing frozen like an idiotic snowman.
Q’s estate slept under a dusting of white.
He’d looked at us as if we were mad when we said we were going for a midnight stroll.
He didn’t understand that walking in the dark had been our one reprieve in that nightmarish place.
A few stolen moments beneath the stars where we could breathe, love, and gather enough strength to survive another day.
“Are you okay?” she whispered, stepping into my arms and looping hers around my waist. Dropping my walking stick, I gathered her close and rested my chin on her fluffy hat. “I’m just...still processing.”
She hugged me tight, snuggling as close as she could. My matching black jacket and jeans—all purchased with my brother’s funds—whispered against her.
“I know what you mean,” she whispered. “I keep pinching myself.”
I laughed under my breath.
The sound made me pause.
A month had passed since I’d gone on a slaughtering spree. Four weeks of living a normal life together, and I still hadn’t gotten used to the joy that now braided with the blackness inside me.
I’d never been so happy.
I still didn’t fully know how to trust it or how to sink into the soft, wonderful feeling, but every day, love warmed me from the inside out. It patched up my holes. It healed the frightened kid I used to be and allowed me to relax for the first time in my life.
The monster within me was sated...for now. My killing binge of traffickers ensured I’d fed the beast enough to be human. I hoped it would always remain sated, but...if one day the desire for bloodshed returned, I still had Q’s list. Still had a few names that could satisfy my creature’s darkness.
Ily pulled away and cupped my cheek with her gloved fingers. Her brilliant eyes glowed just as snowflakes spiralled from the sky. Fractals of white hid the world, placing us in our own snowy paradise.
I couldn’t handle the depth of fucking gratitude.
A month we’d slept side by side and healed.
A month of getting to know my brother, his son, and my sister-in-law.
A month of watching Ily on the phone with her parents.
Her brother’s pictures of his rabbit. The messages from Rachel as she grew so close to her due date.
Even Ben and Stewart stayed in touch, hinting that they wanted to chat about a business opportunity when we were ready to step back into society.
And not once had I tried to seduce her.
To be honest, I was afraid.
Afraid that I’d want to hurt her. That I’d need her tears or her fear.
I’d made a vow to never lay another finger on her. I intended to keep it.
Pressing her lips together, Ily canted her head and smiled. I want you too.
A soft chuckle fell from me. “What gave it away? The fact that I’m hard even with you dressed up like a marshmallow or that I’m finally strong enough not to limp like an old man.”
She glanced at the cane I’d thrown to the ground.
I didn’t really need it anymore.
I’d only used it because Q’s doctors were quite scary in their care, and they insisted I have some support while the torn muscle in my leg repaired.
“I feel it in the way you look at me,” she whispered. “I feel the answering tug in my belly. It’s been so long...too long. Let’s go back inside and—”
“What? Right now?” I sucked in a breath.
Once again, sheer love threatened to crack my ribs apart.
We had nowhere to be, no rules to follow, no Masters to please.
Just us.
The novelty of endless days and nights just the two of us made my heart skip a million beats. “I want you, Ily. So fucking much. It’s just...”
“You’re afraid you’ll hurt me?”
I winced. “I’m afraid I’ll want to hurt you.”
She held my stare, so much stronger than me. “Don’t you remember how I react to you when you do? I told you, I’m not someone who likes pain, but with you...” She blushed. “You give me pleasure I’ve never known.”
I looked away, my mind crowding with whipping her in Sapphire Scars and the way she dripped with pleasure.
It wasn’t a lie that she’d enjoyed it, just...
I didn’t know if I could do that again. I didn’t have the right.
I’d never had the right to mark her, torment her.
Hanging my head, I whispered, “I’ve already hurt you far too much. ”
“Don’t you think that’s up to me to decide?”
I scowled. “I love you, little nightmare. I fucking adore you, and I won’t—”
“Why do you call me that?” she interrupted. “Little nightmare? I’ve always wondered.”
I blinked at the subject change. Shrugging, I said, “Because from the very first moment we met, you terrified me more than anything.”
She stilled. “You were afraid of me?”
“Of course, I was.” I rubbed my cold nose to hers. “You are and always will be the only one who has the power to make me break. You’ve broken me a thousand times, yet somehow you’ve put me back together again in ways I wouldn’t have been able to without you.”
Her eyes filled with sparkling tears.
The creature inside me salivated to taste them.
Pushing her away, I bent and grabbed my cane and walked across the lawn.
She followed me, laughing softly under her breath. “One of these days, you have got to stop making me fall in love with you.”
I slammed to a halt.
Our eyes met.
I fell.
I tumbled heart first into a snowdrift of effervescent happiness.
She wanted me? Well, she had me. Forever.
I’d find a way to make her come as hard as she had back at Joyero with worship instead of wounds. And then I’d put a ring on her finger, just like I’d promised when we first met.
“Come with me.” Grabbing her glove-puffy hand, I tugged her toward the chateau.
I had no idea where we would end up in another few weeks when we left France. We couldn’t stay here, and Ily said her place was with me now, not back in England with her parents.
I’d tried to give Q his money back, but he’d refused.
I couldn’t keep it, so...I’d already begun tracking down all the jewels who’d survived with us.
I owed a million euro debt to the guards who’d taken our side.
Q assured me he hadn’t killed those who’d fought for us, and I had every intention of finding each one to say thank you.
Once I’d tracked down the jewels, I planned on sharing my ill-gotten wealth with them. Q said he’d already paid them a small sum to help them get back on their feet, but what I wanted to give them was worth so much more than money. To me at least.
I needed to give them something I’d never had when I was younger.
After trauma like what we’d all endured, sometimes the mask we put on for other people became permanently fused with our souls. It hid everything we hadn’t dealt with. It allowed us not to scare our loved ones from the truth of just how fucked up we’d become.
I’d had no one to help me through what my father made me do.
I’d fused that mask right onto my very bones, and my mind had systemically deleted every memory that didn’t conform with the story of ‘I’m fine.’
I didn’t want that to happen to Corinne and Caishen, Citra, and all the others.
Even if they didn’t want it now, I needed them to know that someone would always be there to listen. Someone who had firsthand knowledge of their pain.
A community.
A fucked-up family.
A friend.