Cocky

Chapter 14

fourteen

keep it strong.

Frankie.

The moment Jabari’s footsteps fade down the hallway and the lock clicks, I sag against the door like it’s holding me up.

Jesus Christ.

I push off it slowly and wander back into bed, suddenly aware of how empty the space feels without him in it. This was supposed to be a harmless ting.

Lure him in with the promise of sex.

Make him feel stupid.

Then kick his ass out.

It’s petty. But it was harmless.

Jabari McKingsley deserves to get knocked down a peg or two. Annoyingly though, he saw right through that set up. So much so he could read my emotions out loud and lay them in front of me with enough time to spare to have me beneath him yet again.

Now the only one looking stupid is me.

The size of him catches up to me all over again.

A sharp, low ache pulses through my lower body, and I wince.

“Fucking hell,” I mutter then kind of fold sideways until I’m flat on my back, one leg dangling off my pillow, staring at the ceiling for answers.

Because I am stupid. And this is stupid.

This is so stupid.

My stomach flips. My knees actually go weak.

I hate him.

“I like you, Frankie.”

I don’t.

I do.

My body throbs again, and I let out the world’s most exhausted groan.I reach for my pillow and shove it between my legs.

A wave of discomfort hits as I think of every decision that led me to this point.

I was stupid for thinking him coming over wouldn’t lead to more.

I thought I could get through it without him sneaking his way back into my panties.

I don’t know what it is about him that makes the little girl, who thought the sun and moon orbits Planet Jabari, come out from the secondary school broom closet I had her tucked away in.

That part of me is dead.

Murdered even. And by my own hands.

Yet still, all he has to do is kiss me and I’m back to thinking stupid thoughts.

I’m just gonna have to tell Za. She’ll be mad at me but I can’t live with this hanging over my head. It’s so clear I only keep doing this as self sabotage but I can’t allow that man to have a hold on me.

I need him out of my life. I need his sperm out of my body.

And I need… Oh my days.

I smell like him. And whatever he’s using to wash with doesn’t match my pH because my skin feels off.

I waddle to the bathroom, irritation prickling across my thighs.

“It’s always something,” I rant to myself, turning on the shower.

My phone buzzes with a new message:

Jankro Jabari : u ok right?

Steam fills the room, but the ache inside me doesn’t fade. I grip the edge of the sink and catch my reflection.

My face is flushed, lips swollen, hair a mess.

“I need to get a grip,” I tell the mirror me. “Seriously. A grip.”

Except the moment I close my eyes, flashes from earlier strikes.

His mouth on my neck, his hands holding my hips in place, the way he whispered my name while I unraveled under him. As messy as it is.

I like it.

Even though I was sure I would be cremated if Za found out.

I want him.

But only for the bedroom, and only when it doesn’t ruin my life. I need to get this shit under control before it controls me.

Still buzzing with anxiety, I step into the shower and let the water hit my skin, trying to wash away the soreness, the scent of him and the memory.

But it doesn’t leave.

It clings to me.

Because now that I know what he feels like, what he really feels like, I can’t unknow it. Now that I can’t hide behind the excuse of being high out of my mind and the lie of I wasn’t thinking straight, I had to face it.

I am… so tremendously… unbelievably… fucked.

When the pain finally settles into something tolerable, I drag myself out of the shower, change into the loosest, softest clothes I own, and head straight to my mother’s flat.

Because if anyone can fix this? It’s Mummy.

“Mummyyy!” I call, voice breaking as I enter her flat.

Silence.

“Mum, where are you?”

“I in de den!” she shouts back. “Wa happen?”

I stumble down the hallway, holding one hand to the small of my back. Relief washes over me at the sight of her, wrapped in her floral house dress, legs curled under her, shelling peas while watching Days of Our Lives.

I collapse beside her on the couch, forehead dropping straight into her lap.

“Mummy,” I mumble into the fabric, “I mess up. I mess up real bad.”

“Is wa yuh talking, Francine?”

I lift my head half an inch. “I did something wrong. And now I’m in pain.”

“Eh?” She squints down at me. “Pain from what? Ya job? Ya stomach?” She leans in, sniffing me. “Or is man?”

I deflate and drop my face back into her lap.

“Mummy… I slept with Jabari,” I admit. So much for keeping that to myself.

“I cyaan hear yuh,” she says flatly.

“Me and Jabari had sex.”

“Ayy—look here, my girl. It’s either yuh lift ya head and tell me, or yuh could keep it to yaself!”

I shoot up properly this time, meeting her wide-eyed stare.

“Jabari and me are sleeping together.”

She blinks. “You and ya friend brudda a bun?”

I groan into my palms. “Yes.”

Mummy throws her head back dramatically, hand to forehead like a theater actress performing on stage with Za.

“Ha hi!” she exclaims. “Francine, what kinda mix-up yuh put yaself in now?”

“I didn’t mean to!” I cry.

“Yuh neva mean fi do nuttin,” she mutters, shifting her peas aside so she can focus fully on my disaster.

“I’m serious!” I say. “It just… happened…”

“Hm,” Mummy narrows her eyes. “Is mussie just now happen too, yuh walking like a fowl.”

“Mummy, please,” I bury my face in a pillow to hide the pain. “I’m in pain.”

“And the pain? Where?” she demands.

“Everywhere,” I whine.

“Yuh using protection?”

“Yes,” I lie because I don’t want to hear her speech.

She shoos me. “Move this thing from ya face. Let me see you.”

I drop the cushion. She cups my chin, turning my face side to side like she’s inspecting livestock.

“Chinaza know?” she asks.

My throat locks. “No.”

“Oh Jesus,” she says, looking up at the ceiling. “Dat girl gon murder you.”

“I know!”

“Frankie,” she sighs, settling back into her seat and shaking her head slowly, “yuh must stop taking man like dog, especially when the man connected to ya friend family.”

“Tuh, you make me sound like a jezebel,” I murmur. “And besides, it’s not like that.”

“So how it be?”

“…casual.”

Mummy stares.

“Casual,” she repeats. “Mi daughter. Mi flesh. Mi blood. Yuh sound like a real jack ass.”

I bury my face again. “Mummy, please. Just…help me.”

She pats my back once. “I making tea.”

Oh my DAYS.

“Yuh need to flush out dat man energy,” she instructs sternly, walking toward the kitchen. “Before him seed take root inna your womb.”

“MUMMY.”

She waves me off. “Hush. And when you done, you goin’ bathe in some herbs, light a candle, and pray fa sense.”

I sink deeper into the couch because she’s right.

I really do need sense.

And maybe a chiropractor.

By the time Mummy clangs around her kitchen, I’ve sunk so far into her couch I might merge with it. Another message:

Jankro Jabari : can u talk to me pls? I just wanna make sure u r ok.

My fingers hover over the reply button. I should be mature about it and let him know I'm fine but am in no mood to talk right now. Instead, I lock my phone.

Finally, she returns with two steaming mugs, pouring from one to the next to cool it. She hands it to me without ceremony.

“Drink.”

I peer into it suspiciously. “What’s in this?”

“Don’t ask mi nuttin. Just sip slow.”

I take a tentative sip and immediately choke.

This tastes like punishment and a part of me thinks she did it on purpose.

“So what yuh and di boy gon do now? Is only a matter of time for Za find out. Though I cyan understand why she don’t realize uno a bun.”

I stare at her. “You not even surprised I slept with him?”

She gives me a look. “Surprised? Francine… please. I know yuh like Jabari from grade school. All when yuh was twelve, I see yuh watching him when him come over with Za mother. Eyes big and grinning like eediat. And when yuh was fourteen? Fifteen? Anytime that boy step inna di yaad, yuh act like somebody fry ya brain.”

I cover my face with both hands. “I was a child.”

“Yes. But yuh was a child that couldn’t keep ya eyes to yaself. Now yous big woman who cyan keep her fronts to herself.”

“Okay, now I’m starting to get offended. And the big part was unnecessary.”

She lifts the tea to my lips so I could drink it. “Relax. So yuh and him take the long route to reach where ya been heading since primary school. Not surprising nun at all.”

I drop my hands. “So… you’re not disappointed?”

“Francine, liking him from school days is one thing.” She leans forward, lowering her voice. “But sleeping with him now? In secret? Behind Za back?” She shakes her head slowly.

“I know…” I whisper.

“So yuh must be careful.”

I try to protest, but she silences me with a finger.

“Don’t lie to me. I know when yuh spirit tie up. I can see it on yuh.”

I swallow.

She continues, firmer now. “If you going continue whatever this is—” she circles her hand in the air “—yuh better guard yaself. Because that a storm waiting to happen.”

I stare into my tea like it has an answer for me.

I know this.

I know Jabari is a bad idea.

I know being involved with him is trouble.

“Mummy…” I sigh. “I didn’t plan any of this.”

“It’s time yuh do some growing my child. Yuh cyan just go thru life stumbling. It’s like everyday is some new fool you got going on. And last I check yuh was seeing Benjamin. Yuh done wit him?”

“Yeah… I think.”

“You think?”

I cringe and sip my tea.

“And so question. What yuh ago do when him and Za find out?”

“They're not gonna find out!”

She cocks an eyebrow, partly because I’m loud but mostly because she wants me to explain. So I do.

“Look. I know I messed up with Jabari. I get that. But it’s over now. So why would tell Za something that’s just gonna hurt her?”

Look. I know that sounds bad but it’s my only option at this point. I mean… you heard Jabari right? I was a full participant in both situations. As much as I want to defend and deny my actions or blame them on him being him and me falling for it, I slept with him.

And there is no excusing that.

I betrayed my friends' trust and it was ripping my insides apart worse than any dick. I stare at my lukewarm tea again. Za cannot know. No one can know. Some secrets you take to the altar. Some secrets you take to the grave.

And this is one of those secrets.

Mum taps my knee. “Be careful, Francine.”

“I know.”

Mummy gives a slow nod. “Good.”

I lean my head onto her shoulder. She finally lets me rest there. After a moment, she says, softer than before:

“You love him?”

My breath stutters. “No! No, Mummy. It’s not like that.”

“Mhm.” She pats my thigh. “Finish the tea. Yuh need it.”

I groan into the mug. “Mummy, this is torture.”

“Good. Maybe then you’ll stop practice fool. Next time, chew some seamoss before hand. That should help.”

I cringe. “Uckkk. I hate the texture of that.”

“Well, go dry for all I care. Start a fire.”

I slump further. “This is the worst day of my life.”

She snorts. “And trust me, it won’t be the last.”

The buzzing of my phone is what wakes me. I fall asleep next to Mum on her couch as she lectures me about safe sex and how my body is a temple.

In an effort to not wake me up, she herself fell asleep. The flat is dark except for the soft glow from the kitchen light and my phone screen ringing out.

When the ringing stops, I stare at the message:

Jankro Jabari : if ur gonna ignore my messages at least turn the read receipts off.

Instead of responding, I get up from the couch slowly, walk to the hallway and return the call. He answers in the first ring.

Jabari: Jelly?

Frankie: What do you want Jabari?

Jabari: Nothing, I just—

I wanted to make sure you’re okay.

Frankie: I’m fine. I’m at mi mummy place.

Jabari: Oh. Okay. You feeling better?

Frankie: … yeah.

Jabari: Good. I really didn’t mean

to hurt you Francine.

Frankie: I know that.

Jabari: Next time I’ll be more mindful.

Frankie: There is no next time Jabari.

Jabari: …okay.

Frankie: That’s all you have to say?

Jabari: I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Jelly.

Whatever you want to do is fine with me.

Frankie: Well. I want to stop.

And… I want it to stay between us.

Jabari: Okay.

Frankie: Yeah. I gotta go. Goodbye.

Jabari: Night Jelly.

It was good seeing you today.

After hanging up, I stare at the phone.

The last time I ended things with Jabari, I got an earful about how highly sought after he was and how lucky I should feel to even be breathing the same air as him. But now he sounds satisfied with my decision. I don’t get this man at all and all my head a hurt trying to process any of it.

Well, at least my stomach stop hurting.

My phone dings again:

Za : hey, wya?

It doesn’t matter anymore what Jabari wants anyways. It’s behind us now. And my friend comes first.

Me: Mums coming home now.

Za : sorrel lollies?

I roll my eyes.

Me: i gon see.

I tiptoe over to my mums fridge to grab the last of her lollies.

“The seamoss in di fridge!” she calls from the living room.

“Mummy! I don’t need it!”

She doesn’t answer.

Still, I grab it.