Chapter 17 Dinner @ Benny’s. #3
“Look, I get what you mean. You’re not wrong.” I pick at the straw wrapper, eyes fixed on the table still. “The guys I get with… they’re nobodies. Some are successful, sure. But never more successful than me.”
He tilts his head. “So why entertain them?”
Because it’s easier to be adored than known.
I don’t say that part.
“Because their affection is cheap,” I say instead. “And easy. I don’t have to think about the future. Or expectations. I take what I need and move on.”
The words sound colder out loud.
“Is that what you’re gonna do to me?”
“Jabari—”
“Because you don’t need to do that,” he says, softer now.
I freeze. “It’s gonna have to end eventually, Jabari.”
“Does it?” He sits up. “You think you got it all figured out but you don’t know shit about relationships. Or how complex emotions are. You think what we’re doing is some simple thing that we can just stop one day but that’s the furthest thing from the truth, Jelly.”
“You don’t know how I handle relationships or my emotions Jabari, so please save the holier than thou speeches. For all you know, us ending it could tear me up inside.”
“Will it?”
I look him in the eyes. “Why would I tell you?”
We hold each other’s gaze, waiting to see who would break first and put their real feelings on the table.
“I like you, Francine.” He broke through my defenses with that one line.
“I like you a lot. I like you so much I tell my teammates about you. I look forward to seeing you. Or talking to you. Even if it’s just for an hour a day.
I respect your opinions. I respect your mindset.
Everything about you makes me get fired up.
I like that I don’t have to be extra or show off with you.
You get it. You get me. We get each other.
We see each other. No one else can possibly have the same connection we have because no one can understand us the way we understand ourselves and each other.
So just end it with this guy, stop wasting our time and clear your head for someone who can show you real affection. ”
Wow.
My stomach has dropped past my arse right now. I need a second to collect my thoughts and he gives it to me by not rushing in to comfort me. He just lets the confession lay there on the table.
My throat swells. I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know what to do.
A smooth exit from this situation may no longer be an option now that I know how he feels. Usually when it get to that point, I leave. But that will be difficult now, considering he’s always around since he’s Zaza’s brother.
Zaza.
How could I not consider Zaza?
How could he not consider her?
Does he really expect me to throw away my friendship for this… I don’t know what this is. And neither does he. He must be joking, so I’ll reply as such.
“You want me all to yourself, huh?” My mouth quirks. “Of course. Why was I stupid enough to think Jabari McKingsley would give advice without it benefitting him?”
“My benefit is your benefit,” he says, leaning closer. “I swear, Francine. You letting me in… letting me do this the right way—”
Before he can finish, Za comes back, drinks in hand.
She sets them down a little harder than necessary.
“That line at the bar took forever! What are we talking about?”
“The conversation is over.” I say with finality. “Right, Jabari?”
He looks at me for a long time before downing his drink Za brought and getting up.
“Toilet.”
“What’s that about?” Za slips into his vacant seat.
I shrug. “I don’t know, you dipped out right when it was getting good.”
She sighed at my mocking tone.
“Why didn’t you say something when Jabari was saying all that stuff to me?” I press.
She blinks like the answer is obvious. “When have you ever needed me to defend you against Jabari?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “You know what I mean.”
“I wasn’t trying to gang up on you,” she says, looking directly at me now. “But… I think I agree with Jabari.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I hate watching you settle for people who don’t even see you.”
“So, why didn’t you say anything before?!”
She shrinks at my voice, “Because I didn’t want you to yell at me like you’re yelling now!”
Something in my chest tightens.
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look. I know you Frankie. You can be a bit defensive about being criticized. I just didn’t want to upset you with my opinions. Besides, it's your life.”
I reach out and squeeze her hand.
“Zee,” I say quietly. “I much rather you tell me what you think than Jabari of all people. And you’re my friend. You shouldn’t hide what you feel just because I’m a little sensitive at times.”
She searches my face, like she doesn’t quite believe me.
“I just don’t want you hurting yourself,” she says.
“I know. I won’t,” I say, meaning it.
My mind does this thing where it likes to play out all my past mistakes whenever I have to face them.
Just so I can be forced to swallow it. Like now, it’s replaying Jabari’s confession alongside Za’s.
One begging me to give them a chance while the other wants me to protect myself. And I can’t do both.
I can’t in good faith hold on to the promise that Jabari will be worth the risk. He’s okay I guess but this is Chinaza we’re talking about.
My best friend.
Would she even forgive me if I told?
Would she trust me?
To be fair, I’ve seen her be forgiving and trusting for less. But I never wanted to take advantage of that. Her world is hard enough without me adding to the bullshit she’s expected to swallow.
I sit in the booth by myself for what feels like hours as I struggle with what I’m supposed to do, nursing a rum and Coke that’s more ice than drink now.
The pub’s warm, low light presses against my temples, and every time the door opens, a gust of cold air snakes across my ankles. Life’s moving around me while mine feels like it’s holding its breath waiting for me to man up and pick a direction.
And I still can’t.
Jabari and Za are off God knows where, probably having the time of their lives dancing on a table or bullying a DJ while I’m here trying to come up with what I’m supposed to be doing.
Benny.
God.
His name alone makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
I completely forgot why we were even here.
Slowly, I swirl my drink, watch the amber liquid catch the light and its condensation sticks to my fingertips.
Benny isn’t terrible.
He’s… fine.
Nice in that mild, beige sort of way. A way safer option than Jabari. And he’s predictable. Easy validation with barely any emotional effort required on my part.
And maybe that’s exactly why I went for him. Because I didn’t have to think or risk anything. But then there’s Jabari.
Loud, irritating, smug-as-hell Jabari who somehow sees through me like I’m made of glass. Jabari who wants me to end things with safety to take a dance with danger.
Fuck I’m tired of having to choose! I want it all!
I take another sip, the rum burning a little on the way down, and let myself admit that maybe it’s time I stop settling for men who barely impress me.
Maybe I will stop thinking about men entirely.
Let myself be celibate and join a ministry.
“The answer isn’t in the bottom of that glass, you know.”
I glance up. Za slides into the booth across from me, her expression soft but knowing.
“I know,” I say, pressing my thumb into the condensation ring on the table. “I’m just trying to think. But it’s so loud in here.”
“You wanna go?” She leans in, voice lower than the music thudding through the pub. “We can go if you want. Try again another day.”
“Yeah, I’m not in the mood for this.” I rub a hand over my face. “Where is your brother anyway?”
“He’s at the bar getting a—God have mercy.”
My stomach dips. “What?”
“Benny’s walking over here.”
My eyes widen. “Like now now?”
“Now!” She says through gritted teeth, eyes loading in in the approaching body behind me.
I sit up as Benny reaches the table with his mouth pressed into a thin line.
“Hi,” I say carefully.
“Hi?” Benny repeats, voice pitched with disbelief. “Almost a month since I’ve seen you and all I get is ‘hi’?”
Za pushes herself out of the booth immediately. “I’ll let you talk.”
“No,” I say quickly, reaching out. “Stay. Please. This won’t be long.”
Just her presence in this moment made me feel safer. Za hesitates but reclaims her seat, back straight, ready to intervene if necessary.
Benny glances between us, confused, hurt, and annoyed.
“Benny,” I began. “You know I care about you and you know I think you’re great.”
If Jabari heard me he’d gag.
“Francine. What’s going on?” Benny cuts to it.
Fine. Like ripping a bandage.
“I don’t want to see you anymore. Not in that way at least.”
The quiet felt like spiritual pressure.
“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
I nod.
“Let me guess,” he continues. “You found someone else to latch onto?”
“Benny,” I say slowly, “I’m not ending it because of anyone else. I'm ending it because I didn’t want to keep seeing you.”
“So it’s me,” he says, like he’s relieved to have something to be angry at. “It’s my fault.”
“I’m not blaming you,” I say. “I’m ending something that doesn’t work.”
“That didn’t work for who?” he demands. “Because it worked fine for me.”
Za cuts in dryly, “Clearly.”
He shoots her a look. “I’m talking to her.”
“Then lower your tone,” Za says, unblinking.
He turns back to me. “What changed, Frankie? You got bored? You found someone else innit? More money? My time and energy ain’t enough for you anymore?”
I blink once. “You’re projecting your insecurities onto me.”
“And you’re fucking disrespectful,” he fires back. “At least be honest. Be a fucking grown woman and say how you feel. Say what changed.”
Oh!
Oh I was not expecting this outburst at all. Benny is usually the calm one. The level headed one. So to see him cussing and yelling out me had my jaw tightening.