30. Sarah
The moment at Michael’s house where I blurted out the truth was intense enough that I had to leave, but this moment I stood in right now magnified that anxiety by ten thousand. He sat on our sofa gazing up at me with dried tears on his face and his hands kneaded together in worry. I didn’t even shut the door. My hand still lingered on the knob as if I had a choice to run out or stay, but there was no choice. I had to face this.
“What are you doing here?” I was breathless, caught in a web of secrets and lies with the predator hovering over me ready to strike. What should have been a calm conversation months ago, something that would’ve been tense but navigable, had turned into an entire event. My heart was definitely going to explode unless I sat down and took a few breaths, but my feet were frozen in place, even as Dad stood and walked over to me.
I heard the giggle of my little girl wafting down the stairs and wondered if Michael had seen her, or if he heard her now too. Dad touched me lightly on the elbows and leaned in and kissed my cheek. Then he whispered, “You need to talk to him, baby. I’ll be here if you need me. I’m just going to wait in the kitchen.” But as he walked away, I whimpered. I felt tears burning in my eyes again and reached for him to stay, but he moved too quickly.
I expected Michael to be angry or enraged. I’d seen his temper flare at times, though he never got violent at work. I wasn’t sure how he was reacting internally, but his expression was calm and placid other than evidence that he’d rubbed his eyes quite a bit and had been crying at some point.
“Sarah…” He shifted on the couch, angling to face me, and every cell in my body sank to the floor, puddling around my feet in shame and horror. Embarrassment tinged my cheeks. My palms were drenched, and I felt a bit light-headed.
Leaving the door standing open, I moved toward the couch. He didn’t seem angry. He wasn’t using an angry tone or glaring at me. Though his jaw was taut and his shoulders looked tense, he reached for my hand, which I didn’t extend toward him. My heart was a mess of emotions. I loved him, but I could never be with him now. I couldn’t survive a long-distance relationship—wouldn’t even attempt it. Emily and I deserved a man with roots and one who wanted to be in our lives daily. Not someone who wanted to jet around the world and never spend time with us.
I sank onto the couch in silence, still unable to read the atmosphere. To me, it was all fear and pain. I imagined him breaking into shouts and telling me off for keeping the secret. I imagined how he’d rush out and get a lawyer and try to steal her away from me. He had the money to do it. And worst of all, I imagined my heart shattering to a million pieces when he told me he was taking the job and moving away.
Except, when he spoke, he said things I never imagined he’d say in a million years. He was supposed to be angry. Not sad.
“I’m hurt…” His voice was so small, timid. Not at all like him. That was okay because I knew my father was probably eavesdropping. “Please, tell me about her.”
I couldn’t look him in the eye, not even when he took my hand. It was too painful for me. I had hurt him deeply, and now I had to face those consequences.
“She’s perfect, Michael. Funny and smart, and such a great smile. She has your smile…” I tried to weasel my hand away from him, but he gripped it tightly.
“Why, though…?” I heard how his heart was broken. It seeped out through the tone in his voice.
“I was protecting you. You had these great plans for your life, and a baby would have meant changing everything. You didn’t deserve that. Neither did I, but I was willing to carry it all if it meant you would succeed.” I picked at a stray thread on my pants with my free hand and felt him bring my hand to his lips and kiss it.
“You did that for me?” he asked, and finally, I looked at him. Tears brimmed in his eyes. I didn’t see even a hint of anger. Where was the anger? Why wasn’t he shouting? “Can I meet her?” He blinked, and tears sluiced down his cheeks.
“Why aren’t you angry with me? Why aren’t you shouting?” I didn’t understand. His strange reaction was worse than the one I expected. I didn’t know how to handle this Michael. Angry, grumpy Michael would have been easier to assuage. I didn’t know what to even say to this version of him.
“Your dad told me everything, baby.” His chest heaved and he sighed. “I can’t believe you’d do that for me. I gave it all away thinking I was going to hear from you… Well, not entirely, but?—”
“I know,” I blurted out, interrupting him. He stopped with his mouth still open as I continued. “Your mom told me about it. She also told me about London, and I can’t be with you if you’re going to move halfway around the world. Savannah is my home, and Emily?—”
“Shh,” he said, pressing a finger to my lips. I cringed at his touch, though I shouldn’t have. Because what he said next made my heart melt. “I haven’t decided about that job, and right now, it’s the least of my concerns.”
That was mildly comforting, that he hadn’t already signed a contract with the intent to move, but it was still concerning. If he even thought about leaving Savannah, it would mean the end of anything we might ever have. After this, though, I wasn’t holding my breath that we had anything. I’d given up trying to predict what he might do next. I just wanted to get this over with and curl up in bed and sleep off the emotion.
“It’s just that if you take a job somewhere else, we won’t make it. I’m not cut out for long-distance, and Emily needs a dad who is present. I don’t want to have to ship her away on a plane for visits and?—”
Michael pulled me closer to him and brushed his lips over mine, then pulled away and whispered, “We will work everything out. When I said I loved you, I meant it.” I felt the couch shift as he scooted closer to me and held me to his side. The tension in my body didn’t leave, mostly because the tension in his voice was very evident. It was a lot for anyone to process, especially two people who were making a go at a relationship.
“So, what are you going to do about the job in London?” I tried to relax, but I just couldn’t. I was still waiting for him to blow up and go off on me. I’d been waiting for it for months, maybe for years.
“I have a lot to think about, that’s for sure, but I don’t want you to worry about that right now. We’ve just had a huge shock to our systems, and I think we just need to let the emotions subside for a while before we make any decisions.” He kissed the top of my head, and I couldn’t believe how calm he was being. “When can I meet her?” he asked again, and the heaviness seemed to increase in my body.
Emily wasn’t ready for any of this. I hadn’t told her a thing about him or even prepared her for what it meant to have a father. She had very little experience with other kids or how they interacted with their fathers, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to tell a four-year-old about her dad.
“Not tonight. I just haven’t even talked to her about it. I’m not quite ready, and I’m really sorry if that upsets you, but I need some time. Maybe tomorrow or later this weekend?” I looked up at him and pulled away, and he frowned, but he nodded.
“I’ll move at your pace. Nothing is more important to me than our little girl and how she processes all of this. She’s so young. We have to handle it right so she adjusts well. It’s a big deal.” His thumb smoothed over the back of my hand, and I finally relaxed a little. I knew Michael would make an excellent father from the very instant I met him, and he was only proving that more and more now.
He stood, and I joined him, walking him to the door. “I’m sorry I kept this all from you. I thought I was doing the right thing and I was wrong. And I’m really glad you’re here to be a part of her life, even if it’s only a short time until you move away.”
I let my head droop, but he put a finger under my chin and lifted it so I was forced to look into his eyes. “I will always be a part of her life, Sarah. You never have to worry about that. And I understand taking time to do this the right way. I’ve waited almost five years. I can wait a few more days.”
He was being so amazing, it didn’t make sense, but my anxieties were still looming. What good was any of this if he still intended to move away? How could he be a father to a little girl from halfway around the world? And what about me? How could I live the rest of my life having to share Emily with him if I was still in love with him and he moved on? My heart would be victimized every single time we interacted.
“Michael, I’m worried about London.” My hands shook as he took them and kissed each of them one more time.
“Like I said, it’s a lot to think about.” He breathed in deeply and patted my hand, then turned and walked out the door without saying goodbye or that he loved me.
I watched him climb into his car and drive away and felt worse now than I had before. Now, he knew the secret. Now, he knew how my heart was on the line. He had my heart in the palm of his hand and the ability to crush it at will, and there was nothing I could do about it. Not a single thing.