Chapter 41
Vann’s breathing steadied in sleep, and I sat there against the wall, in a room that had long been my sanctuary, holding him against my chest, making sure he was warm and comfortable and safe, for entirely too long.
I talked too much.
He’s going to think I’m pathetic.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
He didn’t need to know any of that.
I didn’t want him to see me that way.
I should have just shut up.
Why was it so hard to stop talking when it was him?
I couldn’t explain why I’d brought him here in the first place. I could have taken him back to Astaroth. We could have hid out in the dorm or the storage bunker, or I could have de-escalated the altercation and handled the situation like a professional soldier should.
I could have done so many things that weren’t this. It was stupid and reckless and immature and entirely too personal.
But then, while I didn’t deserve his trust, maybe he deserved mine. Or maybe I just wanted to give it to him.
I rubbed his shoulder, so small and narrow.
No matter how much he trained, he was still so slight.
After three months of consistent, constant lifting with our curated nutrition plan and accelerated muscle recovery, most of the men I’d known over the years were starting to look like soldiers, but Vann never did.
If anything, he just kept getting smaller and more compact.
Though you would never know it when he got in a Shinka. That was the beauty of our machines. Even the most powerless among us could become something indomitable with a weapon like that. And he was truly something special behind the controls of our monsters.
I glanced at my CHRONO just to check the time. It was only 17:30. Two days on Saturn were counted as one just to better mirror the Earth clock, which meant I still had half of a light cycle and a full darkness cycle left to rest before I would need to get us back.
A text appeared on my CHRONO before I looked away.
Breaker: Lost ‘em. Eight of them, actually. It was cute how they tried so hard. You two make it back okay?
I typed a quick reply.
Me: Damn, I was hoping they’d catch you.
Breaker: Sadly, I’m still untouchable. If you want to be the decoy next time, we can add in a prison break for next week’s team building exercise.
His amusement was always loud and clear, because he was always amused by something. I’d never met anyone more easy going in stressful situations than he was
Me: If you think I’m afraid to make life-destroying decisions, you’re talking to the wrong man.
Breaker: I never once thought that, I promise.
I appreciated that about Breaker. He was the right mix of laid back and questionable. Vann was a bit more like Seba in being the lawful good one amidst two men who leaned much more closely toward chaotic evil. But Vann seemed quite a bit more corruptible than Seba.
Me: Besides, Vann’s small enough to fit in some tight places, and we should use this to our advantage.
Breaker: Vann, not Mishka, huh.
I stared at that text for a few seconds longer than I would have liked, and for better or for worse, I could imagine the exact way he’d said it in my head without needing any clarification. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
He added another text before I could say anything.
Breaker: I’m always game for some mayhem though. I won’t tell Seba until we’re in deep enough that he’ll go down with us if he doesn’t commit. For science.
I would much rather respond to that.
Me: I’m pretty sure Seba will be the one arresting us before it ever gets that far.
Breaker: It’d be three on one, and now we have a secret weapon. Or at least we will if you can return him in one piece for once.
Mildly annoyed, I hit send on my next message without thinking.
Me: He’s safe with me.
Breaker: Of course he is. You are so fucking cute when you’re crushing, Firefly.
My brow twitched, not wanting to read into his usual off-handed nonsense any deeper. I certainly wasn’t going to dignify that with a response.
Me: Shut up and go to sleep, Breaker.
Breaker: I love you, too.
His text was covered in an obnoxious number of very sarcastic hearts, and I promptly retracted the hologram, having had enough of his taunting for the day. The projection disappeared, revealing the tattoos on the back of my hand again. Breaker was safe and sound, and everything was fine.
What a weird fucking day.
It was fun though.
I’d actually been having a lot of fun lately.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in Vann’s hair. He used the same soap as everyone else, but the mixture of his natural scent with the eucalyptus based shampoo was unique and pleasant in a way that I didn’t mind breathing in for a minute.
I hadn’t expected him to feel safe enough to fall asleep on me. Safety hadn’t existed in my life at any point, but maybe the real reason I wanted power was so I could have and provide that simple concept.
Idly, I traced lines up and down his back, and nuzzled just a little deeper into him.
Safe.
I wished I could sleep as peacefully as he could. I was so fucking tired, and the way our body heat amplified between us was soothing and comfortable. Maybe, tonight, the nightmares wouldn’t wake him.
Slow, quiet, perfect darkness crept into my mind…
My whole body jolted, violently keeping me awake, just as it always did around others. Rest was still the wish too far for someone like me.
Of course it was. No matter how much fun I had messing with Vann, in these quiet places, behind closed doors, I was still running from the monster I’d always be.
I blinked a few times to bring the room back into focus. The first bite of a headache had started to surface, while my throat was painfully dry and under-hydrated.
The moonshine was a mistake.
Vann was still snoring against me, but at some point in the last half a second, he’d dropped from laying against my chest to my lap. My hand rested on his back, and he was drooling on my inner thigh.
Not sure how that happened.
My neck was the only thing in more pain than my head, as I sighed and attempted to squirm out from under him.
I slipped my hand beneath his cheek, and I supported his head as non-disruptively as possible as I swapped my leg for a pillow.
It was fortunate for me that the alcohol was enough to make him sleep like the dead, so I could get up to go for a walk and kill time before the morning.
I stepped out of my old room, past the prototype Shinka, and I used the restroom before heading toward Lochlan’s kitchen for some water and something to eat.
Only, to my surprise, the light was already on, and the smell of freshly brewed coffee was wafting through the long, metal hallways, more aromatic than even the shop’s oil and grease.
Fuck, I hadn’t had coffee since I signed up at Astaroth. That would get me through the next 21 hours of long nights and sleep deprived training.
I stepped into the small space, where there was little more than a heating sphere and a sink for the kind of easy cooking Lochlan usually did, right next to a small table, where the man himself was sitting down and enjoying a cup of steaming liquid.
I didn’t ask before I opted to treat myself.
I filled my own cup, then tapped the panel on the floor with the toe of my boot to activate a guest stool at his table.
I sat across from him on the small hovering platform that rose from the floor panel, and I reveled in that first sip.
Maybe Breaker had a point with how snobby he was over food, because I would fight a whole army to have some of this every day.
“It’s been a while, Elio. You don’t check in often enough these days. I hope it’s been going well for you over there,” Lochlan said, breeching the conversation first.
“Well enough.” I shrugged. “They made me a squad leader for forty-five men, and even the chief mechanic admitted Lamassu’s build is second to none.”
“I’ve got some parts you can take to try out on your Lamassu before you go.
” He took a long sip, and his whole demeanor relaxed on every ounce of caffeine that entered his bloodstream.
Relatable. “It’s a back thruster upgrade that will both increase the power of your deflector shield and give you an extra forty clicks an hour without expending additional energy.
I’ve got a few of them I’ve been developing if you want to be my test dummy again. ”
“Always.” I took another long, drawn out sip. Seriously just inject this brilliant elixir into my veins.
“So does this ‘Vann’ attend Astaroth? Or is this a romantic thing?”
I choked on scalding hot liquid, until coffee dribbled out my fucking nose and burned every delicate branch of my sinuses in the process.
“Romantic?” I repeated at a higher pitch than I knew my voice to be capable of.
“I told you he’s a pilot. He just made rank, and we were out celebrating.
He’s just a recruit who I train with. I’m not…
” I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.
Saying I wasn’t into men wasn’t entirely true, but saying I was “into” anyone was even less true.
Gender never really factored in to the people I liked or disliked, romantically or otherwise.
Simply being a person in general was usually enough of a turn off without having to whittle down specific traits.
Not to mention that the number of times I’d had sex by choice was barely more than zero.
“I’m not sleeping with him,” was the easiest answer I could come up with on short notice.
Lochlan eyed me with a curious cock to his head. “You’ve never brought anyone here before, so I was just asking.” He took another calm sip of his brew. “You can take some parts back for Vann’s future Shinka, too, if you’d like.”
“Thanks, I’ll grab an extra set,” I managed. Though the suggestion that I might see Vann romantically was still wrapped fully around my brain and not letting go. My headache seemed inconsequential by comparison.