Chapter 46 #2
The problem wasn’t even that she lied to me.
It wasn’t that she committed multiple felonies under Mictlan law.
It wasn’t even that everyone, myself included, fell for it.
None of that really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
If I’d been born a woman, I probably would have done the same if I had the opportunity.
However shocked I was, that wasn’t the issue that had me wanting to throw up just thinking about it.
The issue was me, and it had always been me, and I couldn’t divorce myself from the pathetic excuse for a man that I was.
Who would have thought I would end up just like my fucking father. That was a fun little surprise from the cruel, fucked up universe. The apple was sitting right at the foot of the tree, crying on the floor, bruised and bleeding, until it grew into the same monster that it came from.
Getting physical with someone like Breaker or Seba was a normal part of the day-to-day, between training and normal banter.
It was easier to communicate and understand someone when touching them, in my opinion.
Not to mention that half the time—okay more than half the time—we all deserved to get knocked in the mouth for the things we said, and that was fine.
I enjoyed the pain, and there was some unspoken bond we’d formed through going toe-to-toe so many times.
It was a way to prove we could count on each other and that we were all capable of having each other’s backs, on top of the rush of adrenaline and blowing off steam that we all needed around here.
I’d thought, as I manhandled Vann—Fianna, whatever—on the mat, we were building that same kind of rapport. I’d started the fight in frustration. I’d continued the fight because I saw something in her that went beyond the impact strength of her punch.
But she shouldn’t have been anywhere near that sparring mat. I just assumed she could take it like everyone else did, and that she would eventually give as good as she got, because I thought she was just one of the guys.
And I was so fucking wrong, and looking back, it was so damned obvious.
I shouldn’t have been roughing up a guy that much weaker than me to begin with, but a guy shouldn’t have been that much weaker than me with how hard “he” was always trying.
It’s not like Vann was slacking off. He was in the weight room as much as I was on his free days.
Three months of training and all of his strength was in his quads and glutes?
His bench press wasn’t even 70 percent of his body weight, while his body weight was already 100 pounds less than mine, despite gaining significant muscle since arriving?
He hated arm day and lived for leg day? It was staring me right in the goddamn face in a thousand ways that should have been easily recognizable to anyone who had been in a gym for more than ten fucking minutes.
He, she, Vann, Fianna—I couldn’t even keep it all straight in my head.
But the one thing I could keep straight, that was impossible to forget or ignore or accept was that, no matter how I explained away and justified my past actions, I laid my hand on a woman.
I hurt her so many fucking times in so many ways.
How could I call myself a fucking man, let alone a soldier, when I harmed someone I was supposed to protect? What was the point of being strong if I was going to use that strength to hurt the most vulnerable people among us?
When my own mother was beaten to death by my father right in front of me, and I was the only one who stood up for her, I never wanted to see another woman harmed at the hand of a man.
When I plunged a knife into my father’s back, knowing it would mean ending up at the mercy of the foster system, I never regretted a single thrust of that blade, no matter how many nights afterward ended with me on my back with a hand on my throat and my slave coils burning into my skin.
The only reason I had ever wanted power in the first place was so I’d be strong enough to push back against the evil that I’d faced, time and again, but instead, I was that evil to her.
The image of her recoiling from my touch as I tried to help her in Lochlan’s shop flashed through my mind next, pushing away any good memories I’d ever had, and I shoved a hand through my hair, moving sweaty, soaked strands out of my face with a rough tug.
That was the fear I deserved. Saying a few nice words, treating her better, opening up to her, and trying to form some bridge of respect and friendship was too little too late when I’d already traumatized her so severely.
She should be afraid of me, because I was the worst person she’d ever know.
I couldn’t make that up to her, and even if I could, I would never be able to make that up to myself.
What the fuck was I supposed to do going forward, now that I knew what I knew, and I couldn’t look at either of us the same way?
Just the thought of having to see her get on the mat during Basics and take a punch from some ignorant trainee made my blood boil, and I wasn’t certain I could even watch that without wanting to beat the shit out of whoever tried to lay a hand on her going forward.
If she didn’t already hate me for everything I’d done, she would definitely hate me if I tried to protect her while she was still fooling everyone, but I wasn’t confident I could rein that in.
“Do you need a hug?” Breaker asked as he sat beside me on the bench press.
“Shut the fuck up, Breaker.” I slumped forward, supporting my elbows on my knees and staring vaguely into my own eyes in the gym mirror.
“We just established you’ve known me for more than two whole years. Have you also ever known me to shut the fuck up when you’ve asked?” He said as he threw an arm around my shoulder. I didn’t bother to argue. Maybe I did need a hug. “Have you talked to Seba?”
I welcomed the subject change, and I did my best to stop thinking about her for all of four seconds to answer his question. “We just worked together for Basics.”
“But did you talk to him?” Breaker emphasized with an eye roll.
“I was at Basics, too, remember? I watched both of you say the bare minimum of words to get the job done, while staring off into the distance in between drills, and I didn’t see you talk to each other even once.
Both of you are a mess right now, and you both just throw yourself into mindless training when you’re upset, and it would almost be funny if it wasn’t completely useless as a coping mechanism.
Crazy how a single new recruit has had such a big impact on the two most untouchable soldiers I’ve ever met. Wanna tell me what actually happened?”
It was odd that Breaker hadn’t figured out Fianna’s secret long ago with how much he legitimately did notice about everyone and everything.
“You know how Seba is. He probably got chewed out by the General and is taking everything extra hard right now. He always takes a while to recoup when he’s reminded he’s just as imperfect as we are.
I know when he needs some space to sort himself out.
” I didn’t mention that he’d been ignoring my messages since the evaluation, and I wasn’t confident he wasn’t pissed at me for not taking the shot when I knew our side was about to lose.
He was normally my confidante, who I could talk to about anything I ever needed to talk about, but he was also so by the book in everything he did, there was no way I could share this little bit of information with him.
He would have “Vann” arrested before she got out of Orientation.
Strong as his moral compass was, he wouldn’t understand that just because her punishment for using an illegal A2 to avoid her obligations wouldn’t end in physical execution, that didn’t mean being forced onto the auction block was a harmless slap on the wrist.
His life’s pitfalls were different than mine, different than Breaker’s, and different than Fianna’s, but even if he did have the empathy to understand, he wasn’t a good liar, and he would never be able to carry that kind of treasonous secret with him.
What did it say about me that keeping her secret at the risk of my own neck was the only part of this that felt easy?
“I’m just a bit concerned, because he’s not talking to me either, and I’m his roommate.” Breaker shrugged. “Although I know why he’s being dodgy. You still haven’t told me what your issue is.”
“I don’t have an issue. You’re imagining things that aren’t there.” I lied so flatly, I knew it was completely unconvincing. “Nothing happened. I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately.”
“All right then, keep your secrets.” Breaker shook his head, but gave up on his inquiry. “I guess now that all four of us are going to be doing live Shinka drills together from here on out, something will have to give eventually.”
That statement hit me with a sudden realization.
Wait… Could Fianna pilot a real Shinka? Wasn’t syncing the biggest issue with having women in the military?
Fuck, I didn’t even think about it this morning, I was so overwhelmed. I just let her go to Orientation, completely forgetting that syncing in the real thing might kill her. It almost killed me my first time for the star’s sake.
I got up and started toward the dorm, a sense of panic washing over me. I activated my CHRONO, thankful I’d swapped contacts with her last night, and I started typing a message to ask if she was okay, only to stop myself in my tracks.
What was I going to say? I just asked her to keep her distance from me, and now I was going to send her a desperate, needy message?
I was being ridiculous. If she’d gotten in that Shinka and been killed by the syncing process, it would be all over the alerts and news.
Scandal like that wouldn’t go unnoticed.
Deep fucking breath.
It wasn’t like me to be this irrational.
“Oh, by the way, I’ve got some new parts to try out,” I said as I turned back to Breaker, dismissing the entire conversation. It was partially because I was over it, and mostly because I couldn’t follow anything for shit right now anyway. I’d had enough talk of feelings lately.
“Oh, you visited Lochlan?” Breaker paused. “You took Vann to visit Lochlan.”
“It was a good place to lay low.” I attempted to dismiss the heavy implication that I knew were in those words. The more he tried to piece things together, the more it felt like he saw more of the picture than I even did.
“Sure. A great place.” He stood from the bench and paced over to me.
He was so goddamn smug. I was starting to think telling people anything about myself at all was the greatest mistake I’d ever made in life.
I was so good at keeping people at arm’s length until I wasn’t.
“I’m sure it’s been a while since you last introduced one of your friends to Lochlan, so he must have been happy to see it.
You making friends, I mean.” He added just to drive in his not-at-all-subtle point.
My brow twitched, not the least of which because Lochlan thought the same thing. “Again: I didn’t fuck him.”
“No, you just took him home to daddy.” Breaker snorted.
“Jesus fuck, Breaker. He’s our teammate.
I don’t…” I once again didn’t know how to finish that sentence, which felt more complicated now than it did the first time I denied everything, so I just clenched my fist trying to sooth my frustration through the tension.
I wanted to punch him in his fucking face, but that would only prove his point, and I hated that I didn’t know how else to argue with that.
“I don’t.” I repeated in defeat with no further qualifiers.
“I took him there to evade the enforcers, we hung out for a few hours, then we came back and I went to Basics while he went to Orientation. It was a late night, and I’m tired, and it’s that simple. So drop it.”
“As simple as newly engineered Shinka parts—” He started, and I cut him off by putting him in a headlock, because he seriously needed to stop fucking talking.
It was damn near automatic that he locked his ankle with mine and shoved back in a fluid but powerful motion, forcing me down to the hard gym floor, and using me to cushion his own fall when I refused to let go.
I still didn’t let that fucker out of the headlock, no matter how hard the impact, but pairing that move with my still aching bar bell to the chest incident, it absolutely knocked the violent fucking wind out of me.
I squeezed in a blatant threat, and he tapped me on the forearm, choosing to reasonably disengage for once.
“I give, I give.” He was laughing despite it all. I released him, and we separated. “Well, let’s get to work on these upgrades. We’ve got our first live session with the new pilot tomorrow, and not a lot of time to do quality checks.”
“I’ll call Seba and see if we can coax him out of his cave.” I headed out of the gym, and Breaker followed.
Fianna should already have long finished her orientation, so I was sure we wouldn’t see her in the Shinka bay at this hour.
She was probably back and resting at the dorm by now, because she wasn’t going to be at the infirmary in critical condition from a bad reaction to syncing.
Because she was fine, and I didn’t care if she was anyway.
I glanced at my CHRONO, pretending to be checking the time, while I located the name Vann Callan, right below Seba, in my contacts. I accessed the file and corrected the name to Mishka. Even if I wouldn’t expose her, I wouldn’t be using her brother’s name for her ever again.