Chapter 26A
ELLEN
One hour earlier.
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Ellen saw the door shut and couldn't do anything. Her entire body was paralyzed. She was aware of every sensation that passed through her. And she could feel it rising slowly like a volcano, and it wouldn't be pretty when it all erupted.
Her breathing ragged, and her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. And the tears began, and they weren't ready to stop. Roxy had just abandoned her, just as Leah and Caroline had done before her.
Before she could process it, Ellen's phone dialled Taylor. It was 4:45 a.m. in Los Angeles, and even then, Taylor answered after only two rings.
"Ellen?" Taylor's voice sounded sleepy, but the tone was serious. She could tell Taylor knew something wasn't right, and her saying Ellen was proof of it. "Everything okay? I was just thinking about you. "
She opened her mouth to respond, but everything was stuck in her throat. She managed to utter a gut-wrenching sound, "Taylor..." And she sank into sobs.
"Calm down and breathe. I'm here, okay? I'm right here and not going anywhere. Do you want to tell me what is happening?"
She wanted to, but she couldn't get the words out. Ellen, who'd been pacing back and forth, collapsed to the floor, loudly enough for Taylor to hear on the other end of the line. One hand clenched in her stomach, while the other still held the phone pressed to her cheek.
Taylor remained silent on the other end of the line, but Ellen did not feel abandoned; words were not necessary between them. Gently, she said, "Okay, that's all right. Let's try to breathe with me, okay? The same way as usual. Just one breath. That's all. In. And out."
Ellen tried to breathe in as Taylor had told her to, but it was too late. Her sobs were loud, and her body trembled. She cried like she never had since Caroline left, or maybe even Leah.
Taylor stayed on the line, solid and steady. "You don't have to explain anything to me, but did she hurt you?" Ellen didn't even need to say anything to Taylor to understand what had just happened. Not the whole story, but enough to know what to do.
The silence persisted. Now, Ellen's entire body convulsed. Her face was wet, flushed, and soaked in everything she couldn't hold back. "Do you want Jessie and me to come?" Taylor asked softly. "We'll take the first flight available if you want us with you. I swear."
Ellen wanted to say yes, but she couldn't. Taylor tried again, gently insistent. "I don't need your answer, Twinie—we are on our way to you. You'll not be dealing with this alone."
Taylor paused, searching for something else before finding it. Her voice shifted again, becoming quieter and more rooted as she reached for some distractions. Distractions from her.
"Hey, I didn't tell you this. We got the charts today for Blake's album and they're incredible. It's fucking at the top of the Billboard 200. I'm fucking excited, Twinie."
Perhaps Ellen wasn't thinking clearly, but she understood exactly what Taylor was doing—deflecting attention to try and shift her focus and buy some time. It was as if Taylor wanted to delay the inevitable: the crash.
"Watch out, she's going to take the music world and make it hers."
Taylor kept this up for several minutes, and surprisingly, it seemed to work. Somewhat. She knew her sister so well that she knew exactly what to say to calm Ellen down a bit.
Ellen still wasn't speaking, but a sound escaped her, half gasp, half sigh. Taylor heard it.
"I'm proud of you, Twinie. Now take the time you need, and I'll stay on the line. When you're ready, just hang up. No need to talk," Taylor said in her reassuring voice.
"You've always been like that, Twinie," she continued.
"When you believe in something, you don't do it halfway.
You go all in. Even when the world falls away.
For better or for worse. Just remember Jessie's breakdown last year.
You were there for her. For me. And it made all the difference.
" She breathed out slowly, giving Ellen space to fully remember.
Ellen collapsed on her side, her face buried in the carpet, and sobbed silently in the darkness. The phone was still pressed to her ear, and Taylor didn't fill the silence. Instead, she breathed with her, waiting patiently.
She was broken, but she wasn't alone.