CHAPTER 32 #2
Ellen climbed the stairs with a practised rhythm, trying to hold herself together. Her chest was tight, her skin too hot, and the brain in turmoil.
She closed the door and slumped against it before growling.
Why, Ellen? Why couldn't you help ruining the mood? Jessie deserves to be happy and to have a happy 30th birthday. She certainly doesn't deserve the mess that is your fucking life right now, she thought.
She'd been living that for years, and it was already too late: well done, wise girl.
Thinking back, she realized Roxanne had given her exactly what she'd asked for. So why was she so upset unless it was simply because she was disappointed that Roxanne hadn’t fought to be with Ellen?
Or maybe—just maybe—she was herself disappointed for not having tried her chances with her.
Anyway, it was too late now. She totally didn't trust Roxanne anymore, and that's all she needed to know.
She swore she wouldn't let herself be in that kind of spot ever again.
A breakdown like that wasn’t going to go unnoticed, and Ellen knew she wouldn’t be left alone for long.
Especially not in the Caldwell family. The rhythmic hitting at her door arrived only a few minutes later, but Ellen didn't have the heart to answer.
She knew exactly what would happen if she did and she wasn't ready (or maybe more like she didn't feel like it) to explain herself.
"Not now, please," Ellen said through the door.
"Toughen up. We are coming in," Taylor spoke carefully, not asking for permission, but rather informing her. Ellen resigned herself to open the door. She knew Taylor wouldn't let it go so easily with just her silence.
She opened the door just enough to see Jess standing behind Taylor. She stood with her arms crossed, yet her expression was gentle and focused.
"Please, I'm really sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have said that but right now, I just… I need some space."
Neither Jess nor Taylor batted an eyelid. "Not on our watch," Taylor said. "Jessie and I have been watching self-destruct for the last few weeks, and it's enough. We are worried about you."
"Tay—"
Jess shook her head. "Ellen Eve Caldwell, we're not leaving your room without an overdue discussion."
Great. The middle name now.
"I am so sorry, Jessie. I've messed up your birthday with my awful attitude," Ellen said, her voice choked up.
Jess reacted instantly. "What are you talking about? You didn't ruin anything."
"Stop it, I know what I did. No need to go easy on me. It's your thirtieth birthday. An important moment. And I couldn't hold it together—not even for one night. I am no better than her."
"Better than?" Taylor asked, fearing the direction her twin seemed to be heading in.
"You know who," replied Ellen dryly. "Caroline. With her toast."
“Give me a break, Twinie. Caroline did it to provoke us, whereas you did it to call for help. You've been holding it together for months. What’s on your mind at the moment?"
Ellen swallowed. "I should have seen her coming. It was just too good to be true. And messy. Too good and too messy."
Jess looked up. "You think? Listen, this isn't easy to say, but just try to be open-minded." Ellen nodded at Jess. "Are you sure she lied about what she felt for you? Yes, she lied about who she was and her initial motives—"
“Because of her, eh?”
“Let me finish,” Jess snapped at Ellen, who immediately put on a pitiful expression.
"But are you sure her feelings weren't true?" Ellen’s eyes were now filled with tears. "I’m not trying to shame you up, sis, but maybe her feelings were genuine after all. Didn’t you notice the way she was looking at you?”
"I agree," Taylor said.
"That's the very thing that's causing me so much pain," Ellen lamented.
Jess added, "And the way you looked back. Ellen, you were both in love with each other. I don't think we've seen you like this since..."
"Since Caroline," Ellen interjected.
"What? No, fuck that bitch," she replied immediately. "What I was about to say is that we haven't seen you like this since you broke up with Leah."
Ellen let out a broken laugh. "Well, what a mess I am. We broke up in 2017."
"Just remember this. So we are," Taylor said, brushing a bit of hair from Ellen's forehead.
Jess smirked. "Um… speak for yourself."
Taylor raised an eyebrow. "Oh, come on. Give me a break. You cried like a baby through 'The Second Burn' when you first heard the final version."
"First, that's because this song is a masterpiece by an amazing signer," Jess said, then turned back to Ellen.
Her voice softened. "And second, learn from my mistakes, El.
I nearly lost Blake because of that. I've been scared too, but today I’m the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. And I owe that to you. To both of you."
“What should I do? Just let her come back into my life like that and pretend nothing’s happened?”
“Oh, hell no,” Taylor was quick to say. "No, she needs to prove herself worthy of that spot. However, you owe it to yourself to at least try. She could've stayed quiet."
"In fact, Tay, you were right," Jess said. "I checked and she could go to jail for that. Bad curiosity."
Ellen swallowed hard. "And I still sent her away. What kind of person am I?"
"Come on, Twinie. Be easy on you," Taylor whispered.
Jess took Ellen's hand. "You're allowed to love someone who hurt you. Again, just take me and Blake as an example. I hurt her, and she still loves me today."
Ellen nodded slowly. "I miss her so much," she admitted. "But if I let myself feel that… I don't know what happens next."
"Honestly, it might not even matter. None of us can predict the future," Taylor began. "Simply be present with us now, and I assure you, Jessie and I will support you as you navigate what comes next."
She couldn't find the words, but her gaze said "thank you" from the very depths of her heart. They stayed like that, simply breathing. At some point, Jess shifted and reached up to brush a tear from Ellen’s cheek with the back of her hand.
Three sharp knocks could be heard through the door. The three sisters looked at one another, but they knew who it was and that there was no point in getting up. He was going to come in anyway. Their father. Robert Caldwell
The door opened, and his voice rang out. "This is it—the hiding spot of the most important women in my life. What's going on here?"
"Woman's problem, Daddy," Taylor said with a gentle smile.
"I see," said Robert as he joined them on the floor. “It’s at times like this that I wish your mother were here with us. I’ll do my best, okay?”
Ellen nodded.
“I’m so proud of the three of you. You gave me a fright last year, but clearly, you’ve come back even closer than before.”
“We just followed Mummy’s instructions," Jess said. "All three of us thought of her as we made our way back together.”
Robert smiled and looked tenderly at Ellen. "Ellen, I don’t know who this Roxy is. But I like the version of you when you’re close. Keep in mind what I’ve been telling you for years since you started preparing yourself to take the helm at AtMedias."
"Don't dismiss even the smallest possibility," Ellen whispered.
Robert smiled at her. "Don't dismiss even the smallest possibility."
He didn't wait for a response. Instead, he nodded once, stood, up and quietly closed the door behind him. They sat in the hush he left behind, still but not empty, held together.
Later, Jess and Taylor left her room to give Ellen some time to herself.
Ellen followed them about ten minutes later. When she arrived in the living room, several guests had already left. The lights were dimmed, and the French windows were ajar. A cool, calm breeze blew through the evening air.
Leah slipped up beside her and asked, "How are you, El?"
"I'm not doing amazing, but thanks for being there."
Leah looked at her with a small, forced smile. "I couldn't ask for anything better."
***
One year and a half earlier.
December 24, 2023
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
"Couldn't you really hold back for just one night?" Caroline fired back with the precision of a special forces sniper. "Can't you give up on your stupid idea of expanding into Australia?"
Guilt took hold of Ellen's body all at once, exactly the effect that had been sought.
"I don't understand what the problem is, my love.
Yes, okay, it's Christmas Eve, but it's rare that I get my father's undivided attention when we're at the office.
" Once again, Ellen apologized for something she didn't understand (and maybe there was nothing to understand).
It has become second nature to Ellen over the past five years.
"You make me so discouraged, Ellen." Caroline looked on with disdain. And Ellen? She saw it. She felt it. And she took it. "You're twenty-nine years old. Stop trying to impress your father. And even more so, your sisters. Try to impress me instead, for a change."
Ellen was about to respond that this comment was completely unfair and unnecessary. Everything she had done over the past five years, and especially in the last year, had been done to impress her. Especially since she knew full well that no one in her family seemed to like Caroline.
But she couldn't, because at that moment, her father spoke up.
"Excuse me," Robert said in his resonant voice.
"I know we all have busy lives that take us all over the place, but I'm glad we're all here tonight under the same roof.
And I'd like to raise a toast to three inspiring young women who are my greatest pride and joy. "
"Seriously, is he really putting Jessica on the same level as you?" whispered Caroline. Ellen became uncomfortable, making sure no one had heard.
Robert raised his glass.
"To my daughters," he said, voice thick. "To the family we chose. To everything we've survived—and everything still ahead. Your mother would be so proud of you."
The three sisters moved and raised their glasses proudly, while Caroline barely lifted hers.
And suddenly, "my turn now," Caroline said, "to Ellen, my wonderfully dedicated partner, who puts so much energy into being the perfect daughter and sister she sometimes forgets we're supposed to be building a life together. Cheers to another year of coming last on your priority list, darling."
Robert, Taylor, and Jess were furious. Ellen noticed that Jess was holding back so as not to explode and protect her sister. But Ellen remained cold. She didn't want to make the already tense situation between Caroline and her sisters worse. She put on her best smile.
Robert walked over to his father while Jess and Taylor headed for the kitchen. Ellen turned to Caroline. "What was that? That was mean."
"Oh, come on, Ellen. You can't take a joke. Sorry if you took it the wrong way." Caroline's phone rang and she looked at the screen. "Well, excuse me. I must take this," she said before heading to Robert's office.
Faced with all this, Ellen was sadly convinced that this kind of love was perhaps the only thing she deserved after all. Maybe she was just always too much or not enough. And she was the only one responsible for her unhappy fate.
A tear threatened to roll down her cheek, but Ellen quickly wiped it away. "Nope, it's Christmas, and I'm not gonna spoil the fun for everyone," she said to herself.