Landon
DAD PACES AT THE end of my bed, his mouth set into a firm line as he rubs his temples.
“And you didn’t get a look at their faces? The guys who grabbed you?” Mom asks again, staring at me wide-eyed where she sits at my desk.
I groan, flopping back onto the bed like a child, despite my protesting shoulder where my arm is wrapped in its sling. “I already said no. I didn’t see the ones who grabbed me, and the other people—the ones in suits—are all dead.”
“So a mysterious man showed up and killed them all,” Dad mumbles to himself. “Nathaniel was working for them, but then let some man kill them? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe he had a change of heart?” Mom offers gently.
I scoff. “Yeah, sure. Or maybe the sex was just that good.”
“Landon!” Dad shouts, sending me a withering glare. Mom fans her face.
“I’m just saying! I don’t really see a guy like Nathaniel having a change of heart.” And I don’t want to imagine it either.
It… it makes my heart hurt.
And no, I don’t feel bad that I pinned all those deaths on that short man who showed up toward the end. Not that I’m protecting Nate or anything. I just… I didn’t want them to know.
“Should we hunt this Nathaniel guy down?” Scarlet asks, leaning against the threshold of my bedroom door as she inspects her long nails.
“Yes,” Dad answers quickly. “We’ll hunt him down then—”
“No,” I interrupt. “No hunting him down. Let’s just… let’s forget about it.”
“Forget about it?” Dad questions, his expression full of shock. “I will not forget about the people who kidnapped and tortured my son! Who took his God-given gift!”
“To be fair, he didn’t kidnap or torture me,” I mumble.
Well, unless you count sexually. Then, the motherfucker definitely did. But I refuse to talk about the loss of my power. I can’t acknowledge it, can’t make it any more real than the hollow feeling inside my chest already does.
“He aided! And for that, I will destroy him,” Dad declares.
“Honey,” Mom interjects gently. “We should think of a more legal solution.”
“Or no solution,” I offer. “I mean, to be honest, guys, I kind of want to forget about all of this. I’m serious. I’ve been assured that I’m safe now, so there’s no reason for panic.”
“And you trust his word?” Dad presses, standing at the end of the bed again as he stares at me. “You trust what this man says, even after he spent months lying to you?”
I attempt a painful shrug. About this particular thing, my safety, I do. I saw his face when Joseph held the knife to my throat—he was petrified.
“And you were lying to us,” Dad adds. “You said you were going to see Julian, not some thirty-year-old psycho!”
He has a point. Not only is Nate twelve years older than me, if I remember correctly, but he’s also kind of crazy.
I mean, who locks up someone’s cock? We don’t have to talk about how much I liked it.
“I know,” I say with a sigh. “And I’m sorry that I did. I just… it felt good being with him. I wasn’t so sad when he was around.”
It hurts to admit out loud. It makes me violent with betrayal to know that I will never receive that peace again—that he knew what his presence meant to me in the end and traded it away anyway.
I kind of wish Nate were here now, if only so that I could punch him. But it’s been a few days since I left his hotel room, and I’m sure he’s back in Oregon now.
“I’m sure being with him felt great, honey,” Mom croons, coming to sit on the bed next to where I’m lying. “But he’s clearly not a very good man. You understand that, right?”
“Yeah, Mom,” I mutter in defeat. “I definitely understand that now.”
“This is what I warned you about!” Dad continues to rant. “I told you the vultures would circle! Didn’t Uncle Benji also—”
“Uncle Benji!” I shoot up straight, panic coursing through me. “They were asking me about him! Apparently, they can’t find him, and if someone in that organization is still kicking it and wanting him, we need—”
“I’ve already called him,” Dad reassures me.
“It’s alright now, sweetheart.” Mom pats my cheek, smiling brightly.
We were never a touchy family or a super interactive one, if I’m honest, but it’s nice to have them now. It’s nice to see they know how to show affection, even if they hardly ever bother to.
“Well, this is getting boring. I’m off. Glad you’re safe, Lan.” And with that, Scarlet disappears.
Dad sighs. “Just stay in Cali, would you? We can push your start date at Ocean View back a bit, but I don’t want you getting snatched up again.”
I don’t mention that it was in California where I was snatched up, and instead take the silent win of pushing off the corporate life.
“Alright. Thanks, Dad.”
He gives me a strained smile before following my sister, leaving Mom and me alone.
“How are you really?” she asks, her voice quiet and gentle.
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“Lan, you fell in love with the enemy. You’re not—”
“Fell in love?” I nearly screech. “I did not fall in love! I just liked him. I liked how he made me feel.”
Mom gives me a look, one that says I’m delusional. “I know love when I see it, and you’re clearly struggling. You’re probably suffocating under how heavy this betrayal is.”
“Why do I feel like this isn’t a stay-away-from-him talk?” I tease, giving her a fake glare.
She laughs, petting my cheek once more. “This is most definitely a stay-away-from-him talk, honey. I just… It’s okay; you know that, right? To love him even if he hurt you? To love in general, even if you’re… different?”
She means my depression. She’s talking about how there is no cure other than mind-numbing medicine or death.
“Yeah,” I mumble, looking away from her and out my bedroom window. “Sure it is.”
But it really isn’t. What I learned through my time with Nate is that no matter how genuine a man feels, there is always a secret hidden. There is always something they crave more than you: power, justice, freedom.
And what I’ve learned from the sorrow that is drowning me now is that relying on someone else to save you is the worst form of self-harm a person can inflict.
“I love you, Lan. And I’m sorry we didn’t protect you. I’m sorry you had to endure this,” Mom says quietly.
“You didn’t know what was happening,” I assure her. “I was lying, and you guys were in the dark.”
She says nothing further, only giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, a soft smile, and then following after the rest of my family.
Which leaves me alone: to my thoughts, my feelings, and all the memories I have of being with Nate and feeling free. Feeling powerful.
And now being completely and utterly empty.
Susie wasn’t happy when I told her I’d be staying at my parents’ for a while. She insisted that I tell her what happened, why I’ve disappeared again, but I can’t. I can’t admit to being fooled that way. To having a gift and then having it ripped away.
But the one thing she did say that I agree with is that I should call Julian. He’s worried about me, as he always is, and even though he’s betrayed me, Nate was right.
I need to make amends—even if there was never a fight to fall out of.
I lay in bed, watching the stars light up the night sky through my window as I bring the ringing phone to my ear. It’s now or never, I suppose.
And if I can’t have love—if I’m destined to always be on the outside looking in—then I might as well have Julian back in my life as I observe.
In the absence of the light Nate brought me, I can at least have company.
“Lan?” Julian sounds surprised, anxious even as he answers my call.
“Hey,” I murmur. “Uh, is this a bad time?”
I can hear shuffling on the other end, as if he’s sitting up in bed and giving me his full attention.
“Not at all! I just wasn’t… I mean, I haven’t heard from you. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I assure him. “I guess I wanted to, I don’t know, hear your voice?”
It’s silent for a moment—a very long, anxiety-filled moment as I listen to the sound of his breathing.
But then he sighs, and it’s a mixture of relief and sorrow. “I’ve missed you, too, buddy.”
Something inside of me breaks like a dam crumbling, and it takes everything I have not to cry. We may have been best friends for years, but ninety percent of what Julian has seen from me is lustful violence and desperate love. Not this. Not misery.
“H-how have you been?” I question, and just from that alone, I think he can hear it in my voice. That I’m not okay.
“Good. I’ve been really good. How are you? I heard you’ve been, uh, spending time with Barfred? The cook here at Chastain?”
I tense where I’m lying, my grip tightening on my phone, and turn my gaze from the stars. I can’t handle their glow right now.
“I am. I mean, I was. Uh, I did.” The words leave me in a broken hurry, as if I’m admitting a great crime and a horrible travesty at the same time.
“What happened?” he asks.
At the very same time, I attempt to change the topic as I say, “How’s Atlas?”
There is another moment of silence. We listen to each other breathe, to the silent buzz of our cellphones, and I suddenly feel a bit less hollow.
“Always cutting me off, aren’t you?” Julian jokes.
“Can’t help it, you know that,” I shoot back.
He chuckles softly. “Atlas is good. He’s sleeping right now; he had a long day trying out new workout routines with Cameron.”
“Cameron?” I repeat. “I didn’t know he was friends with Atlas. Isn’t Atlas like, super reserved? Just like his brother?”
I can still picture him on the cliffside, hesitant and skittish. I never would have imagined him hanging out with someone else so freely.
Memories of Cameron at Chastain during Atlas’s party suddenly resurface, but I can’t very well focus on them because they remind me of Nate. Of being pressed to that shed and—
“Yeah, well, Atticus and Cameron are dating, and he was coming over every day for a while, but now he lives with us. Atlas and Cam have gotten along pretty well,” Julian explains.
Atticus?! The eldest Chastain son? I’m… I guess I’m not that shocked. It appears everyone is getting their happy ending… everyone but me.
“That’s good,” I murmur.
“Landon,” Julian suddenly says, his voice serious in a way I hardly ever hear it. “What’s going on with you? What’s going on with Barfred? He’s been acting… angry.”
I could combust with how much information is stuffed inside of me, with how much I’m keeping from him. I don’t know where to start, where to begin while repairing this bridge, when so many lies are scattered everywhere.
I guess it’s easiest to start from the beginning.
“Julie, I… I’m depressed.” The word leaves me as a whisper, a petrified admittance.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Julian offers easily. “Are you taking medicine? Did something happen that I don’t know about?”
And that’s the hard part, isn’t it? Explaining that nothing made me this way, I’m just—what is it that Nate said? Playing life on hard mode?
There is every possibility Julian rolls his eyes or brushes me off after I explain it, but I don’t see another choice.
“No, uh, nothing happened. I was born like this.” I take an uneven breath. “I don’t like the medicine, so I just… deal with it.”
“There are other ways to cope,” he tells me, not missing a beat. “Have you tried a naturopath? Has anything at all made you feel better?”
“Yeah,” I find myself admitting, “something did. But it’s over now, and I’m back to… well, struggling.”
Now Julian does pause, his breath coming out a bit unsteady.
Then, he asks, “Are you talking about Barfred? Was he… did he make you feel better?”
Emotion wells up inside of me: heartbreak, anger, longing, and agony. My body feels flooded with it, heavy and far away as my throat closes and my skin prickles with goosebumps.
I don’t want to answer this question. I refuse to acknowledge it right now.
“How’s working in the castle? Still enjoying it?” I refrain from asking personal questions about his relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily be bothered by its existence in general, but I don’t want to hear about how sickly in love he is while I’m struggling.
Julian sighs again, and this time it’s a disappointed one. “Yeah, I love it here. The other day—”
Shuffling on the other end of the line interrupts his sentence, and before long, I hear a sweet, soft voice call out.
“Julie? Why aren’t you holding me?” The sound of Atlas’s gentle, sleepy voice stirs a violent jealousy inside of me.
I remember being where he is, rolling over to search for Nate when I’d wake up in the middle of the night without his arms around me.
“Sorry, little bunny. I’m on the phone with Landon. Just go back to sleep; I’ll come hold you soon,” Julian placates. I can tell that he’s covering the receiver, aiming for privacy, but I can hear it all anyway.
“M’kay,” Atlas says dreamily, and a moment later, the shuffling stops.
“Sorry,” Julian offers, and there’s humor in his voice. “I woke up Atlas.”
“I’ll let you get back to bed.” I feel torn up inside now, remembering everything that I’ve lost.
“You sure?” Julian asks.
“Yeah. I’ll… I’ll call you again sometime.”
He takes a deep, steadying breath, then says, “Alright. And Lan, I know it’s not my place to say, but whatever happened between you and Barfed? It can be fixed. He’s clearly just as torn up as you are, and I—”
“Thanks, Jules,” I interrupt. “Good night.”
“Ah, okay. Good night.”
I hang up the phone, tossing it onto the bed next to me.
Spending even a single moment thinking of Nate is a bad idea. There is no way to forgive something so terrible, and I don’t think he’s that stressed out. I mean, I didn’t block him—he just hasn’t called.
If he cared enough, he would call, right?
But on the bright side of this terrible night, I talked to Julian. There was no sappy apology or heartfelt conversation, but there wasn’t a need for one.
Everything that had needed to be said was already shared in the foyer of Chastain Castle, only so long ago; we just needed to get over this hump. And hopefully, we have.
Now, if only I could get over this specific hump: the one that starts with Nate and ends with heartbreak.