Chapter Forty-Two #2
“You turned your back on me,” I shot back, unable to hide the sharpness in my retort. “What the fuck did you expect me to do?”
He clenched his jaw, silent for a moment. His hold on my neck shifted, thumb stroking gently along my throat, a gesture equal parts possessive and tender. “I expected you to trust me,” he finally said.
I laughed, the sound bitter and broken, tasting of ash and regret. “Trust you? You broke me, Nano. You fucking destroyed me in that basement, and then you walked away like I was nothing.”
“You were never nothing,” he said, his voice rough, raw with emotion.
“Then why didn’t you turn around?” I demanded, my voice cracking under the weight of the memories. “Why didn’t you look at me?”
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead gently against mine. “Because if I had, I wouldn’t have been able to let you go.”
His words hit me like a punch to the gut, stealing the air from my lungs.
No. Don’t do this. Don’t make me feel this.
I wanted to shove him away, to scream and rage, but my body refused to move. The ache in my chest threatened to swallow me whole, and I hated myself for how desperately I yearned for his touch, even now.
Nano’s breath was warm against my skin, and for a moment, the world narrowed to the space between us. Everything else, the basement, the pain, the shattered trust, seemed to dissolve into silence. Only his presence remained, heavy and impossible to ignore.
“I love you.”
The words came out broken, barely a whisper against my temple, but they hit me like a freight train. My entire body went rigid, shock and disbelief warring with something dangerous, something that felt too much like hope.
No. No, he doesn’t get to say that. Not after everything.
“Don’t,” I choked out, my hands coming up to shove against his chest. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
“I love you,” he repeated, louder this time, his voice cracking with desperation.
His hands tightened on my hips, holding me in place even as I tried to push him away.
“I’ve loved you since the moment you slapped me in the clubhouse.
Since you looked at me like I was a monster and still got wet for me, anyway. ”
“Stop.”
“I love you,” he said again, and this time his voice broke completely. “And I’m so fucking sorry, Alex. I’m sorry I turned my back on you. I’m sorry I made you think you were nothing. I’m sorry I became exactly what you were afraid of.”
Tears streamed down my face, hot and furious, and I couldn’t stop them. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to show up here after two months and tell me you love me like that makes everything okay.”
“It doesn’t make it okay,” he interrupted, his forehead still pressed against mine, his breath ragged. “Nothing makes it okay. But it’s the truth. I love you, and I’ve been dying without you. Every fucking day since you left, I’ve been dying.”
Liar. He’s lying. He has to be lying.
But the look in his eyes, God, the look in his eyes was destroying me. Raw and vulnerable and so fucking desperate it made my chest cave in.
“I don’t want to be the monster anymore,” he whispered, his voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to break you.
I just want—” He stopped, his jaw clenching as he struggled to get the words out.
“I just want to be enough for you. To be the man you deserve instead of the sadistic fuck who gets off on your pain.”
“Nano.”
“I know I don’t deserve you,” he continued, his hands sliding up to cup my face, his thumbs brushing away my tears.
“I know I fucked up. I know I destroyed everything we had. But I’m here, Alex.
I’m here, and I’m begging you to give me another chance.
To let me prove I can be different. That I can be better. ”
My breath hitched, my entire body trembling as I stared up at him. Every instinct I had was screaming at me to run, to protect myself, to refuse him before he could hurt me again.
But beneath the fear, beneath the anger and the betrayal, there was something else.
Love.
I still loved him. Despite everything he had done, despite the way he shattered me in that basement, I still fucking loved him, and that terrified me more than anything. “I don’t know if I can trust you,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I don’t know if I can survive you breaking me again.”
“Then don’t trust me,” he said, his voice fierce. “Don’t trust me, but let me earn it back. Let me show you I’m not the same man who walked away from you. Let me prove I can be what you need.”
“And what if you can’t?” I demanded, my hands fisting in his shirt. “What if you hurt me again? What if this is just another game, another way to break me down until there’s nothing left?”
“Then you leave,” he said simply. “You walk away, and I let you go. No hunting. No dragging you back. No forcing you to stay. You get to choose, Alex. You’ve always gotten to choose.”
Liar.
But even as the thought crossed my mind, I knew it wasn’t entirely true. He had given me choices before, terrible, impossible choices, but choices, nonetheless. And in the basement, when Morpheus had forced my hand, Nano had been the one who’d suffered for it.
He took a knife to the leg for me.
He had broken free of his restraints and nearly killed Scythe for me.
He turned his back on me because looking at me would have destroyed him.
Fuck.
“I hate you,” I whispered, even as my hands slid up his chest to curl around the back of his neck. “I hate you so much.”
“I know,” he murmured, his lips brushing against my forehead. “I hate me too.”
And then his mouth was on mine, and I was lost.
His kiss was brutal and desperate, all teeth and tongue and raw, unfiltered need. He kissed me like he was drowning and I was air, like he had been starving for two months and I was the only thing that could sustain him. And God help me, I kissed him back just as hard.
My hands tangled in his hair, pulling him closer even as my mind screamed at me to stop, to push him away, to protect myself.
But my body didn’t care about protection.
My body only cared about the way his hands felt on my skin, the way his mouth moved against mine, the way his cock was already hard and pressing against my stomach.
This is a mistake. This is a terrible, horrible mistake.
But I didn’t stop.
Nano’s hands slid down to my thighs, lifting me effortlessly as he pressed me harder against the door.
I wrapped my legs around his waist instinctively, gasping as the movement ground his erection directly against my core.
“Fuck,” he groaned against my mouth, his hips rolling forward in a slow, deliberate grind that made my entire body light up. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this.”
“Shut up,” I panted, my nails digging into his shoulders. “Just shut up and fuck me.”
He pulled back just enough to look at me, his eyes dark and wild and filled with something that looked too much like love. “Alex—”
“I said shut up,” I snapped, grabbing his face and pulling him back into another bruising kiss. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. I just want you to fuck me until I can’t remember why I hate you.”
Something in his expression shifted. Something primal and possessive, and utterly devastating. “You want me to fuck you?” he growled, his voice dropping to that low, dangerous register that made my thighs clench. “You want me to remind you who you belong to?”
“I don’t belong to anyone,” I shot back, even as my body betrayed me by arching into his touch.
“Liar,” he murmured, his mouth moving to my neck, his teeth scraping against my pulse point. “You’ve always been mine, Alex. From the moment I saw you, you were mine.”
No. No, I’m not his. I’m not anyone’s.
But my body didn’t agree. My body was already trembling, already aching, already desperate for him to touch me the way only he could.
Nano’s hands moved to the waistband of my shorts, yanking them down with a roughness that should have scared me but only made me wetter.
He didn’t bother with finesse, didn’t bother with teasing.
He just shoved the fabric down my legs and let it fall to the floor, leaving me in nothing but my tank top and panties.
“These too,” he ordered, his fingers hooking into the sides of my underwear.
I should have told him no. Should have made him work for it. Should have done something to maintain some semblance of control.
But I didn’t.
I lifted my hips, letting him strip the last barrier between us, and the look on his face when he saw me. God, the look on his face nearly undid me.
“Fuck,” he breathed, his eyes locked on my exposed pussy. “You’re already wet.”
“Shut up,” I muttered, my cheeks burning with shame and arousal.
“No,” he said, his fingers sliding through my folds, gathering the evidence of my desire. “I’m not shutting up. I’m going to tell you exactly how fucking perfect you are. How much I’ve missed tasting you. How much I’ve missed making you come.”
His fingers found my clit, circling it with just enough pressure to make me gasp, and I hated how easily my body responded to him. Hated how quickly I was spiraling toward the edge.
“Nano.”
“Say it,” he demanded, his thumb pressing harder against my clit as two fingers slid inside me. “Say you’re mine.”
“Fuck you,” I panted, my hips rocking against his hand despite my defiance.
“Say it,” he repeated, his fingers curling inside me, hitting that spot that made my vision blur. “Say you’re mine, or I stop.”
No. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.
“I’m...” I choked on the words, my pride warring with my desperation. “I’m yours.”
“Louder.”
“I’m yours!” My words came out as a broken sob, and I hated myself for how easily I surrendered. “I’m yours, Nano. I’ve always been yours.”