Chapter Twenty
Yun
My body felt strange, like it didn’t belong to me at all. It was still overly sensitive, and whenever my clothing rubbed a place that the men had paid special attention to, it brought back that morning.
My cheeks burned as I remembered it, the way I had just given in.
No, it was worse than that. I’d participated, I’d gotten off on it all, I’d wanted it. I’d moved my hips over Kenyon, had started the whole thing myself.
According to Shear, I’d even spawned those dreams on my own. Thankfully, Shear had only shared the one.
He also hadn’t mentioned that the person who had fucked me in the bar was none other than Ingram, and that Shear had sat to my side, stroking his fingers through my hair in a way that was far too gentle and loving to be the real man.
No, that had just been my overly exhausted brain once it finally got some sleep, nothing more.
I yawned, covering it with my hand.
“Tired?” Mercy walked up, looking as perfect as ever.
I bet she never struggled with sleep. In fact, looking at her, I doubted she struggled with anything.
“A little,” I answered. I’d gotten a good night’s sleep for the first time in weeks, and the headache had subsided, but the morning had worn me out again. It seemed that was life with Reject Squad—they’d fix a problem then create a whole new one.
Mercy reached out, a cup in her hand. “I saw you yawning earlier, so I grabbed you a latte, too.”
I didn’t even have the time to think about refusing, to find myself annoyed by her being perfect and giving and amazing yet again. The scent of the coffee was far too good, so I just took the cup. “Thanks.” The first sip said, yeah, it was perfect.
“How’s training been going?”
I shrugged, wrapping my hands on either side of the disposable cup so the warmth would soak into my palms. “It’s not much different from anywhere else.”
“Really? I’ve heard your name mentioned a lot lately.” She kept her gaze averted, the perfect mixture of sweet but confident. I didn’t even like her, but I wanted to tell her the truth.
Was that what real guide training did? I’d gotten a piss-poor version due to my hang-ups and panic attacks, but if I hadn’t been that way, would I have ended up this flawless?
I thought about Kaidan, about how he’d had that same ability. Sure, he didn’t turn it on as often as Mercy, but they both had this vibe that could just draw in even the most difficult person.
As nice as it seemed, I just couldn’t picture myself like that, couldn’t see how I would ever manage such ease around others. Maybe for some people, no amount of training could ever overcome their natural personalities.
“I was just worried about you,” she said softly. “I don’t mean to pry.”
I forced myself to smile. “You’re not prying. I’m just not really sure what to say. There was an incident, and what I did was blown out of proportion.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t think so.
I’ve been around those in charge for a long time, and I know the difference between rumors and a miracle.
What you did has most of the Guild in a flutter.
” She paused, then spoke again, voice lower.
“In fact, they asked me to get closer to you and gather some information.”
I took a step backward as though Mercy had suddenly turned from sweet to sinister.
Her smiled dimmed but didn’t fall away. “I guess I deserve that, perhaps. I wouldn’t do that, not to another guide. I know people look at me and think I’m nothing but the Guild’s trophy, but I’m more than that. I make my own decisions.”
Even as she spoke, I struggled to believe it. She was just too perfect, too connected to the Guild. I couldn’t bring myself to think that she would choose some sense of guide loyalty over her position, over what they would likely give her if she got close to me.
Still, the hurt on her face had me softening. I didn’t know if I believed her, but I didn’t much like causing her pain, either.
“It’s fine,” I said, false cheer in my voice. “Honestly, there isn’t much to tell. They think I have some special skill, and they want me to leave my squad so they can look into it.”
“I thought you didn’t care for Reject Squad. I mean, if you have the chance to join a different one, it might be worth it.”
The first time she’d insulted them, it hadn’t bothered me much. I’d known what I was joining back then, knew their reputation—at least that it wasn’t good—so even if it had irked me, it hadn’t truly mattered.
Now, however?
Her saying something like that sparked my temper. “You don’t even know them.”
“I know them better than you think.”
“You guided Carter.”
“I guided them all. It was after a dungeon, when they’d gotten caught without backup. It had taken far more out of them they’d expected, and they didn’t have a guide at the time. I was sent to help.”
“I know about that,” I bit out, hating that I didn’t. I’d known a little, but the details? Nothing. I didn’t care for hearing about them from someone else, especially Little Miss Perfect.
She kept speaking as though I hadn’t interrupted. She looked off toward the horizon as she went on. “You’ve guided them. I know you don’t like doing it, but from what I’ve heard, you’ve fully guided them. You should know what I mean when I say they aren’t right.”
“I have no idea what you mean.”
But…I did. I knew exactly what she meant. Each of the men was broken in their own ways, in places I’d glimpsed but never seen the depth or width of. I had a feeling they hid it from me, maybe more than they did anyone else.
“Kenyon is the easiest. He’s sweet enough, but he feels like there is always this wall around him, like he never lets his guard down.
Shear has powers that no one should have.
It’s like he crawls into your skull the moment you lock eyes with him.
Worse, even when guiding him, it was like he didn’t have a single emotion, nothing, just a flat exterior.
Then there’s Ingram, and the moment I started to guide him, it felt like a black hole, like there was nothing inside of him.
I swear, it felt like I would get sucked into that abyss.
” She shuddered, wrapping the arm not holding her coffee around herself like a hug.
“And then there’s Carter. He’s the worst, but I didn’t realize it.
I thought that he seemed nice enough. Maybe a coward, sure, maybe he didn’t work that hard, but he was friendly and polite.
The thing is, you can’t hide that much, not when you’re being guided, and that mask of his slipped.
It was just for a second, but I saw what he hides, what he doesn’t let anyone see.
I’ve never seen an esper that close to corruption.
I didn’t even guide him fully before I fled, sure that he’d rampage in the next few minutes.
Then that turned to hours, to days, to weeks.
Every day I thought I’d hear news that he’d turned, but it never happened. ”
“Maybe you misread him?”
She shook her head. “No. Even now, if I get close to him, I can still feel that. He lives his life on that edge, so close to disaster that I can’t believe he hasn’t fallen off.
I can only assume he’s broken, some sort of monster.
That’s why I was terrified for you when I heard you were assigned there, because I didn’t want to see you hurt.
A full-fledged S-Rank guide couldn’t do anything for that squad, so what did they think you were going to do? ”
Her words chafed, even if I knew I was defective.
She must have realized what her statement implied, because she quickly added on, “I don’t mean that against you. I just mean that with your restrictions, I don’t know how they thought you were a good fit.”
“They didn’t.”
“What?”
I smiled, even if I didn’t feel all that amused by the situation.
“They didn’t think we were a good fit. I think they used it as a punishment to us both, just misfits who couldn’t do our jobs right.
They figured we might as well spend our time punishing each other instead of bothering real espers or guides.
” I hated the words, even more because they felt true.
It wasn’t just a last chance, it was a purposeful action because they viewed us all as worthless.
Which made it all the funnier that they were sniffing around me now, trying to win me over.
“Thanks for your worry,” I said. “But you don’t need to bother. For better or worse, I think we fit together in a weird way. I’m not planning on leaving them.”
“But the Guild will offer—”
“The Guild offered Obsidian—that’s it. They want to study me, not assign me to a new squad. They want me to be a lab rat.”
“Obsidian?” Mercy swallowed hard. “You saw Mr. Yorn?”
I nodded, recalled the man who I’d hated immediately.
Mercy grabbed my hand, my latte spilling from the rough movement.
Thankfully, it had cooled enough that it didn’t hurt much, but the action was so unexpected from Mercy that even if it had been boiling, I doubted I would have noticed.
Her nails bit into my forearm, so tight that they would leave marks.
I lifted my gaze to hers, ready to ask her what the hell she was doing, when her wide eyes stopped me.
“Stay with Reject Squad.”
“What? You were just saying—”
“I know what I said, but forget it. Do not let them send you to Obsidian. Staying with your squad is better—anything is better than that place.”
I didn’t get the chance to answer before she took off, her gait awkward and rough, nothing like the usually smooth way she normally glided around.
I looked down at my arm, droplets of blood leaking from the crescent-shaped wounds she’d left behind.
Well, that was unnerving…