Chapter Forty-Five
Shear
This pressure inside my head made it difficult to think. Mr. Yorn’s voice, always the loudest to me, echoed off the insides of my skull, bouncing around and gaining volume and power each time.
I had never won against him—never.
In my entire life, no matter what I’d done, I’d never managed to get the upper hand with him. Even the times when I got what I wanted, when he seemed to give in, I knew that he’d actually been playing a longer game.
When he let me leave Obsidian, it had been because he’d finished with me there, because he’d wanted to be able to use me later, because he was proving to the Guild that Obsidian was worth financially supporting.
Which meant I had to make a choice now, too.
Did I stand up against him and make everyone lose?
A fear inside me wondered if my psyche would crack beneath the stress, the pressure he applied with the order.
If that happened, would there be anything of me left?
What horrors might I commit if I couldn’t control myself anymore?
My eyes burned, the intense feeling of isolation that I’d always lived with worsening. I’d never been with others, not truly, always on the outside forced to watch but not interact. Even as a child, I’d been so horribly different that I’d never had a place, even with my family.
“That’s why I took you in. I’m your family.” Mr. Yorn’s voice floated through my head, nearly as familiar as my own.
I hated it as much as I craved it, the only lifeline I’d had for so long.
“They’re my family, too,” I argued back. Aloud or in my head? I couldn’t tell.
“No, they’re just transient. They’re useful for now. You’re going through this pain right now because of them, because of her, when you don’t need to. Give in, like you know you will, like you always do.”
If I did, the pain would stop. The questions, the fears. All of it, right?
“Shear?” The soft, feminine voice reached past Mr. Yorn’s. It entered my mind, but not in the same way.
Mr. Yorn tore into my brain, stomping around, uncaring. Yun’s voice was gentle, welcomed, soothing.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered back to her. “I’m not strong enough.”
“It’s okay,” she answered, no anger, no censure. “It’s fine, okay? Just do what you need to and take care of them, huh?” I could feel the tears in her voice, the pain, but she didn’t put any of it on me. She didn’t blame me, didn’t curse me, didn’t demand anything.
That helped, like she gave me space, she trusted me.
Not trusted me to do things her way, not trusted me to make the choice she wanted, but accepted my own autonomy to do as I thought best.
It sent a ripple through my mind, one that shook me, that returned me to Obsidian and the horrors there.
I saw Mr. Yorn and those damned gloves, the blank expression, felt the chains dig into my wrists as he’d had me restrained. I heard his promises, his reassurances, but somehow they didn’t stick this time.
He isn’t my lifeline.
It was the first time I truly had dared to think that, to realize it. He was a noose, nothing more, a threat wrapped around my neck before he shoved me off a cliff, telling me he was all that kept me from falling.
And I was done with that.
I sliced the noose myself.
If I fell to my death, I fell, but I wouldn’t dangle anymore, wouldn’t let him control me.
My gaze found Yun, took strength from her. I had something more important, now, something worth the risk.
I shoved Mr. Yorn from my mind, and in doing so, a snap echoed in my head. It hurt, breaking some of that control, sending me into a mental freefall.
If I crashed and shattered—fine. I wasn’t about to hurt Yun, refused to cause any pain to the men who were more than family to me, the ones who had shared so much of my life. Whatever happened to me was fine. I accepted it.
Something warm slipped around me, and it took a moment to figure out what it was.
Yun’s guiding. It offered comfort, strength, something to hold tight to, to keep me together, to keep those splintering pieces of my psyche from exploding out. She held me together, gave me the chance to reform my mind, to prevent it from losing all cohesion.
So I took a deep breath, then whispered, “I’m free,” to Carter. “Finish this.”
He didn’t need any more direction, because a breath later, Carter had Mr. Yorn by the throat, pinned to the back wall. Ingram hadn’t remained still, either, easily taking down the esper who had held Yun.
“You can’t kill me,” Mr. Yorn forced out, his voice no longer full of the confidence I’d always heard from him. It might have been the first time he’d ever truly lost.
“Oh, I’m pretty damn sure I can,” Carter argued. “Snapping your neck wouldn’t take more than a twitch of my hand.”
“Shear might not be fully under my control, but you have no idea what my death might do to him. Besides, you all killing me would look pretty bad on you. If you get thrown into confinement, what would that mean for your precious guide?”
Carter didn’t snap his neck, which meant the esper was still considering it. “After all your bullshit, we can’t just let you go, either. You haven’t exactly proven yourself trustworthy.”
“I do all this for my work, for the betterment of humanity. I can hardly continue that if I’m dead. I admit you’ve won this, so perhaps we should retreat to our own corners.”
Carter loosened his grip, but even with my mind as frazzled as it felt, I knew the only right choice.
We had to do that. Mr. Yorn still held too much power, and his death would cause far more problems than it would solve.
Carter released him, and the sight of Mr. Yorn falling to his knees soothed so many wounds of mine. To see him not appear powerful, not the horror from my own nightmares, it helped to remind me he wasn’t as strong as he’d always pretended.
“Fine. We’ll call it a truce for now,” Carter said, his tone still uncaring and cheery. “If you try to get anywhere near any of us again, though…”
“Understood.” Mr. Yorn got up, using the wall for balance.
That didn’t feel like enough, though, so I forced myself to stare Mr. Yorn right in the eyes.
I wanted him to see how serious I was, to understand just how deeply I meant the next words I would say.
“If you ever threaten or risk any of my squad again, I will show you no mercy. I don’t care what it does to my psyche, I will dismantle every neuron in your head. ”
Mr. Yorn swallowed and nodded, unable to hide the fear that danced in his eyes. He might want to show a strong front, but I saw the cracks, now.
The esper that Ingram had knocked backward stumbled to his feet as well, appearing thrown by the exchange. Then again, if he were one of Mr. Yorn’s pets from Obsidian, he likely had little experience with the outside world.
Part of me pitied him, wishing I could undo his shackles as well. However, if I had learned anything today, it was that only the person themselves could break such ties. No one else could do it for them.
My gaze found Yun’s again.
Though I did have a bit of help.